Guide to Being an Evil Henchman

Recently, the Society of Evil OverLords has noticed a regrettable decline in the availability and quality of fanatical henchmen, devoted worshipers, and loyal infantry.

Like it or not, Evil OverLords are often dependent upon their legions of troops as well as hand-picked Evil Henchmen. In an effort to correct the problem of the diminishing pool of Evil Henchmen, I thought some General Guidelines for Evil Henchmen might serve to encourage more young people to pursue this career.

Also, it was well for Evil OverLords to remember you can probably keep most of the Liberals and feminists off your back by hiring a token number of females as Evil Henchmen. Often these women are more cunning and vicious than the men. Resist calling them "Henchpersons" however; it makes ya sound too whimpy.

Now, without further ado, the guide:

1. If issued armor and/or uniforms which stand out easily in your normal surroundings, respectfully inquire about using camouflaged attire.
2. Get plenty of firearms practice.
3. Test your armor's ability to stop a minimum of one sword thrust or laser blast, and if it does not give at least this much protection, respectfully inquire about an improved version.
4. Make sure that your headgear allows a wide field of vision.
5. Never wear gender-inappropriate underwear if swords are commonplace. The Hero will slice your suspenders, causing your pants to fall and exposing you to ridicule.
6. Never allow yourself to be turned into a vicious, ravening beast to defeat the Hero. It never works, and your girlfriend will not understand. She will dump you for one of the Hero's do-gooder Sidekicks.
7. If the Hero you are sent after dresses entirely in black, he is even more dangerous than your Evil OverLord suspects; double all requisitions for men and firepower.
8. Practice your "accidental" sword/gun dropping technique. It may well be the only thing that saves your butt when the hero is winning.
9. Ransacking the Hero's hotel room or kidnapping his love interest and stuffing her in your car's trunk (even in broad daylight) is normally fairly safe.
10. All Heroes get roughed up at least once with each plot, so if this hasn't happened to the Hero yet, go for it ! Make sure there are at least 11 of ya though, as it is a well known fact most heroes can easily handle 7 armed men.
11. If you're alone, and the seemingly helpless person you have just cornered is confident and unafraid, despite being completely unarmed, you have encountered a Hero in disguise. Run while you still can.
12. Don't attack the Hero alone or in pairs. Your Evil Overlord hired thousands of y'all for a reason.
13. Never be the first one to charge the Hero.
14. Learn to distinguish Heroes from do-gooder Sidekicks. Heroes are usually taller, more somber, and better looking; while do-gooder Sidekicks dress with more flair and tell more jokes.
15. Never allow yourself to be provoked into doing anything stupid by insults or warnings of universal doom if you follow your Evil OverLord's plans from the Hero or his do-gooder Sidekicks.
16. When you have someone at gunpoint and that person says, "You haven't got the guts to kill me." prove him/her wrong.
17. When the Hero and/or his do-gooder sidekicks are at your mercy, don't stop to gloat.
18. If you can't resist gloating, don't boast about the reward you expect to receive from your Evil OverLord for bringing them in or killing them off.
19. If you gloat and boast, don't be surprised if a Hero's do-gooder Sidekick jumps you from behind while you're distracted with your boasting.
20. If you fail to complete your mission, skip town at once! Returning to your Evil OverLord to report your failure will usually get you killed.
21. Avoid killing people not actively involved in the plot; your Evil OverLord has enough enemies as it is -- especially don't kill relatives, significant others or best friends of the Hero. Normally after an Evil Overlord is overthrown, Henchmen can get off with just a little community service time, but if you kill off the Hero's loved ones, he'll make lasagna outta ya.
22. Unless the Evil Overlord pays extra for indiscriminate slaughter, avoid it. Why should you give your services away for free; besides you're wasting ammunition.
23. As tempting as it may be, never try to ravish your Evil OverLord's beautiful-but-wicked daughter. She can probably mop-up the floor with you. And worse, Daddy will not try to stop her. He may even be amused by the distraction.
24. Learn where the trap doors are in your Evil OverLord's chambers. Avoid standing there, especially when you must be the bearer of bad news to your Evil OverLord.
25. While your Evil OverLord is gloating over his anticipated success in the venture he is about to launch, it is considered impolite to ask "And if you fail?" You probably won't be flogged, maimed or killed for your temerity, but why risk it ?
26. As soon as your Evil OverLord has the Hero in his power, seek the nearest available escape route. All Hell is about to break loose in the next half-hour or so.
27. If the Hero is using you as a human shield and your Evil OverLord asks you if the Doomsday Weapon is prepared, say "No."
28. If your Evil OverLord orders you to kill some prisoners and then departs for business elsewhere, leave as quickly as possible; there is about to be a successful rescue attempt.
29. Never hold hostages at point blank range. They can punch you out faster than you can pull the trigger.
30. Exercise care in the abuse of oppressed peoples. Many farm implements make effective weapons in the hands of a skilled opponent. Some of those little old men can teach you a thing or two about hand-to-hand combat, too. And it would be just your luck for the villager you pick on to actually be the Hero masquerading as one of the villagers.
31. When disposing of bodies, do not dump them in neighboring lands presently outside of your Evil OverLord's control. It'll just piss the locals off more.
32. Before performing guard duty, familiarize yourself with the sound of a tossed pebble, and learn to avoid being distracted by it.
33. When performing guard duty, do not stare continually in one direction -- take a moment now and then to look around.
34. When you are fighting intruders, do not fight them quietly -- yell "INTRUDERS!" at the top of your lungs while you still have breath.
35. Remember that if the Hero and/or his do-gooder Sidekicks are being purposefully allowed to escape, there is no need for you to get hurt or killed in your phony effort to "prevent" the escape.
36. If a prisoner suddenly takes ill, notify the Evil OverLord and await his instructions. Do not go into the cell to examine him/her yourself.
37. No matter how attractive the captured Heroine is, how much cleavage she exposes or how seductively she bats her eyes, she really does not want to sleep with you. Don't unlock the cell door.
38. If you're on patrol and the rest of the squad mysteriously disappears, call for backup before you go look for them.
39. When all seems to be lost, if the Hero gives you a chance to surrender or flee, take it.
40. If you surrender to the Hero, don't try to stab him when his back is turned; one of the do-gooder Sidekicks will probably get ya first.