Michael~

I'm sorry. I should've listened to you. I should've heeded every word of advice you ever gave me over the summer...every word, I should've absorbed into my skull. I didn't, and now you're gone...and now I think I'm losing it. I'm sorry...I'm so, so sorry. Everything I ever wanted to be, is everything I've ever grown to hate. I know you want me to be there for Joshua right now, but I can't even do that. It's all so distorted, and I can't seem to find the clarity. I think it's been this way since Dark Horizon...the night everything changed for us both.

We've paralleled a lot as of late. You found happiness in Claire, and I did in Helena. Then we spiraled down. What a pair we make, don't we? This is just so hard, making it through the days without you. Everything, everyone...they're all changing, and with them, so am I. I don't know if it's for the better though. Here I am, writing to a ghost of all people!

This is the stripped down, heart on his sleeve Jonathan Collins, magnified by ten, Michael. Are you still listening? Do you still care? I felt your spirit on my shoulder at Indecent Exposure...but have you forsaken me too, just like everyone else? Michael, I need you here...I need to know that you're still watching me. It's a security blanket, I s'pose. Life's getting rougher, and if I can't hold myself together, how can I hold the fort for the people around me, like Helena, Claire, and ou...I mean, your brother. Stupid me...I guess I just wasn't meant for this.

There's something pulling me to the last cigerette sitting here in the den. It's in a glass display. I once made a promise that once I smoked it, I'd quit, and I'd probably die shortly afterward. I guess it doesn't help that there's a Browning pistol sitting in the drawer next to me. What do you think, Michael? Is this a tell-tale sign of insanity? Have I finally lost it? Who pushed me over the edge? Chris? Rachel? Robbie? Or maybe it was Suzy ALLLLL the way back in May or June-ish...I forget. Do you know how we seperated? Did I ever tell you? She basically told me that the thrill was over. I knew I couldn't go back to Ashlee either.

I think I've always had these issues, Michael. I think I've known since before King of Violence.

Around that time, I started having vivid hallucinations. Kinda like an acid trip, minus the acid. I always saw distorted fragments of myself. I tried to purify my mind, heart, soul, and body, but all it did was allow me to grow darker...to grow twisted. When I got to Indecent Exposure, I was falling farther to the bottom, but she saved me. Helena became the angel, and she became my saviour. Not even that's working anymore. None of the same drugs, or the same old escapes work anymore, Michael. There's no future left for the last of the Lost Boys, Michael.

When you're in heaven...do you ever think of reuniting? Have you ever thought how much fun it would be to see each other again, giving another tournament another run? We could roast through, breaking all the rules. We could sit in my skybox, watching the Angels of the past play 9 innings...hell, if Darrin was there, we could all hop on a boat and go fishing, just like the past. Those were the days man...and maybe we could hit the open road on that bitchin' minivan I got you and Claire. We'd be the youth we always tried to be when we had the spare time. Do you ever think about that where you are? When I bring it up, people call it morbid...they think I'm fucked in the head.

I bet they're right.

Remember the night we hit the frat party at USC, and the MTT2 camera crew found us? We were so wasted when we cut that promo. Looking back, it was so bad, it was funny. I don't even know what we were thinking back then...but those were the days. I want them back. Not that I'm obsessing over them, but those were peaceful times. You were just Michael, I was just Jonathan, and we were just trying to keep on keeping on.

I hear the door. I'll finish this letter, I promise you. When it's done, I'll send it out into the Pacific, just like the dreams I've lost along the way.

Helena: Josh...I think something's seriously wrong with him.

Joshua Trey: Yeah, I noticed he was acting strange on Sunday. What's wrong?

Helena: He's been up in the den all afternoon typing a letter to someone. When I brought him some lunch, I could've swore it said "Michael".

Joshua: *sigh*

Helena: Do you think it has anything to do with Chris, Spike, and what happened Sunday night?

Joshua: Most likely, Helena. Jon seemed... well, he seemed troubled the whole show.

Helena: I'm almost afraid Jon's losing his sanity. He's been cooped up by himself since the end of the show. He actually walked back to the hotel, and left me in the arena...*begins to tear* what's wrong, Joshua?

Joshua: I.... I don't know. Should I talk to him?

Helena: Please. He's just upstairs. I'll make you two some coffee.

Jonathan Collins: Come in.

Joshua: ... hey Jon.

Jonathan: When did you get here?

Joshua: A few minutes ago. So...what are you working on?

Jonathan: I'm just...writing.

Joshua: Ah. Probably just trying to release some frustration after Sunday, right?

Jonathan: I'm writing a letter...to an old, old friend.

Joshua: ...ah, I see. Anyone I know?

Jonathan: Probably...am I losing it, Josh?

Joshua: Why would you think that?

Jonathan: I got plenty of reasons to...*he reaches up to the top of his desk to pull out the lone cigerette from the clear plastic display* I just started thinking about it more and more as of late.

Joshua: Jon, believe me, I've seen people "lose it". Maybe you are... but you don't have to.

Jonathan: I miss the days, Josh....I miss the simpler times we all had.

Joshua: I think we all do, Jon. That doesn't mean they're gone... things can go back.

Jonathan: I can't have it back, Josh. Michael is dead. Duane is dead. I'm the last man standing out of the three of us! And all I can do is just wish them back.

Joshua: They might be dead, but they aren't GONE.

Jonathan: Everything is dead. Everything I've ever known and loved is dead...save for Helena...and you.

Joshua: Everything dies eventually, Jon. It's inevitable, especially for people who are in a business like we are. Our lives are endangered every single week. What matters is whether we make an impact on people while we're around. You know... whether we stand for something, or stand for nothing.

Jonathan: I want to see them again, Josh...I want to start over again...and I want to be rid of this feeling taking over me.

Joshua: You're scaring me, Jon. That kind of thinking doesn't help anything.

Jonathan: I'm so sick of this...I'm so sick of being bitter.

Joshua: Why, Jon? What is making you so bitter?

Jonathan: This sport...the people around it...it's just no fun anymore. When the show's over, I take Helena, and we fly home. We used to all go out afterwards, your brother, Darrin, Gavin, and myself. Everyone's just out for themselves these days...and I hope it's different with us...I hope it's different.

Helena: Can I interest you two in coffee?

Jonathan: I'm fine...Joshua?

Joshua: No coffee... could I get some water though?

Helena: *smiling* Of course.

Jonathan: I'm glad that went well.

Joshua: ...you're glad WHAT went well?

Jonathan: The two of you...getting along. I mean...we're family and all...

Joshua: Wait...family? Jon, you're kind of confusing me here. The way you've been talking lately, it's almost like you think...*Joshua sighs and stops mid-sentence.*...what are you thinking, Jon?

Jonathan: Josh...I'm thinking that it's good to have you back. It's good to be back to normal. After all, family sticks together, right?

Joshua: Family? Jon, what are you talking about?

Jonathan: I...*frowning*...I don't know.