ARCHIVED NEWS - MARCH 2001

later

Sorry for a little while ago. I'm still upside-down, and this six hours after awakening, so you can imagine how I was this morning. No, actually I'm quite sure you can't; that feeling I had can't be described with words. It was so intense, yet peaceful. Something beyond understanding, for sure. I didn't have the time to write everything I wanted, and yet I arrived late at university. As soon as I woke up I directly went to my pc in order not to lose any detail. I only ate a bit just before leaving. Nevertheless, in two hours and a half I couldn't capture the essence of my dream. *shrugs* I do hope so much I'll see that girl again...

27/03/00

I feel very... upside-down this morning. I just woke up from a disturbing night, one of which you have thousands of questions roaming in your head after it ends.
I was in the high school classroom where I had most of my courses, and there seemed to be some kind of party, with my chemistry teacher at the front as animator or something. But don't imagine the grumpy weirdo in a white sash. This was Annie Grandmont, a young and lively teacher I had at high school. Very kind and smiling, she always was. So there I sat, at a desk in the back of the classroom, doing I don't know what, but definitely wondering what was happening. The whole class was in a mood to party, and it seemed like everyone was having fun. Nothing much disturbing here, up to now. Yet, I didn't know anyone in there, except maybe one person or two that also were sitting at the back of the class, not far from me, but whom I did't know in real life. Anyway. I think the whole class was actually a bit younger than me, maybe one or two years, but over here, one or two years makes the difference between Rage Against the Machines and Britney Spears, if you see what I mean. All were pretty cool and flashy, and, even worse, they all seemed to know each other. So, they were all, y'know, different from me, so cooler than me, y'know. People their age seem to want only to have fun, and behave accordingly. So, all in all, they were either ignoring me, or laughing at everything I made. And they were right about it! While I was trying to meld in them, to befriend them so that I also could have fun, I couldn't do anything right! I stumbled on everything, couldn't speak fluently, and stuff... It was so frustrating! But instead of getting angry and ripping everyone's entrails off their young, fresh bodies, I finally gave up. Later, I realized that's probably what I'd have done in real life too, actually. After a moment observing the class as a whole and looking at the ongoing frenzy, I stood up and headed to the trash can to throw something away. Then all gazed at me while continuing their business, looking at me as if I was a total outsider, and started laughing at me again with their small gangs. I mean not literally laugh, but rather whispering to each other stuff I knew wasn't compliments. I had enough. It's at that moment that, with a strong voice, gathered all the attention, even though I already had it all, but rather unofficially. Whatever. All were looking my way. The teacher also did, and she asked me what was wrong. I answered something like "I don't know, everything's wrong! (I can't reemeber the actual words, so you may come up with anything sounding like this) My life sucks, and I'm all fuckin' upside down for personal reasons. I see everyone here knows each other, I'm not one of you. But this is a party, and you're meant to have fun, so (trying to look friendly), if I make you laugh, then have a hell of fun laughing at me if that's what makes you happy!" So I stood there in the middle of the class, while all were silently looking at me. I was out of ideas, I really wanted to have fun too! But it seemed impossible, so I giggled (everyone does so in that kind of situations, don't they?) and did a little groovy move before shrugging with a light sigh and slowly walking back to my place, alone at the back of the class. Eventually, people got past my silly intervention and got back to partying. Then, people actually came to my desk, and began talking to me seriously and trying to become acquainted with me! As I was absolutely confused, I slowly realized some of them were hanging around near my spot, and they kinda spreaded more homogeneously in the class. Then they all behave in a more friendly way and I suddenly felt accepted, as if I had become one of them. They were very friendly, kind and totally likable... all in all, they were completely different than how I perceived them before my intervention! So, I melded with them and began having fun with them!

	ARCHIVED NEWS - MARCH 2001 later Sorry for a little while ago. I'm still upside-down, and this six hours after awakening, so you can imagine how I was this morning. No, actually I'm quite sure you can't; that feeling I had can't be described with words. It was so intense, yet peaceful. Something beyond understanding, for sure. I didn't have the time to write everything I wanted, and yet I arrived late at university. As soon as I woke up I directly went to my pc in order not to lose any detail. I only ate a bit just before leaving. Nevertheless, in two hours and a half I couldn't capture the essence of my dream. shrugs I do hope so much I'll see that girl again... 27/03/00 I feel very... upside-down this morning. I just woke up from a disturbing night, one of which you have thousands of questions roaming in your head after it ends. I was in the high school classroom where I had most of my courses, and there seemed to be some kind of party, with my chemistry teacher at the front as animator or something. But don't imagine the grumpy weirdo in a white sash. This was Annie Grandmont, a young and lively teacher I had at high school. Very kind and smiling, she always was. So there I sat, at a desk in the back of the classroom, doing I don't know what, but definitely wondering what was happening. The whole class was in a mood to party, and it seemed like everyone was having fun. Nothing much disturbing here, up to now. Yet, I didn't know anyone in there, except maybe one person or two that also were sitting at the back of the class, not far from me, but whom I did't know in real life. Anyway. I think the whole class was actually a bit younger than me, maybe one or two years, but over here, one or two years makes the difference between Rage Against the Machines and Britney Spears, if you see what I mean. All were pretty cool and flashy, and, even worse, they all seemed to know each other. So, they were all, y'know, different from me, so cooler than me, y'know. People their age seem to want only to have fun, and behave accordingly. So, all in all, they were either ignoring me, or laughing at everything I made. And they were right about it! While I was trying to meld in them, to befriend them so that I also could have fun, I couldn't do anything right! I stumbled on everything, couldn't speak fluently, and stuff... It was so frustrating! But instead of getting angry and ripping everyone's entrails off their young, fresh bodies, I finally gave up. Later, I realized that's probably what I'd have done in real life too, actually. After a moment observing the class as a whole and looking at the ongoing frenzy, I stood up and headed to the trash can to throw something away. Then all gazed at me while continuing their business, looking at me as if I was a total outsider, and started laughing at me again with their small gangs. I mean not literally laugh, but rather whispering to each other stuff I knew wasn't compliments. I had enough. It's at that moment that, with a strong voice, gathered all the attention, even though I already had it all, but rather unofficially. Whatever. All were looking my way. The teacher also did, and she asked me what was wrong. I answered something like "I don't know, everything's wrong! (I can't reemeber the actual words, so you may come up with anything sounding like this) My life sucks, and I'm all fuckin' upside down for personal reasons. I see everyone here knows each other, I'm not one of you. But this is a party, and you're meant to have fun, so (trying to look friendly), if I make you laugh, then have a hell of fun laughing at me if that's what makes you happy!" So I stood there in the middle of the class, while all were silently looking at me. I was out of ideas, I really wanted to have fun too! But it seemed impossible, so I giggled (everyone does so in that kind of situations, don't they?) and did a little groovy move before shrugging with a light sigh and slowly walking back to my place, alone at the back of the class. Eventually, people got past my silly intervention and got back to partying. Then, people actually came to my desk, and began talking to me seriously and trying to become acquainted with me! As I was absolutely confused, I slowly realized some of them were hanging around near my spot, and they kinda spreaded more homogeneously in the class. Then they all behave in a more friendly way and I suddenly felt accepted, as if I had become one of them. They were very friendly, kind and totally likable... all in all, they were completely different than how I perceived them before my intervention! So, I melded with them and began having fun with them!






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	The moral of my dream? You may come up with whatever conclusions you deem fit. There's only one thing that bugs me. At high school and before, I was very timid, and rather marginally loner. I did have friends, though, that's not the question, but I don't think my classmates were interested in becoming my friends. I know, this kinda sounds lame, but... it's the truth. Let me finish, dammit!! There. Actually, my self-confidence was at the limit of making me a no-friend lonely jerk. A loser, after all. Fortunately, I had some friends that eliminated this possibility. I don't say I was lucky to have friends, 'cause I've always been an unlucky person. Anyway. Allow me to continue. Then, at college, I gradually became more and more self-assured and socially-oriented. I became more interested in talking to unknown people and making new friends, though it didn't really work 'cause they still semmed to be uninterested in me. I don't have much charisma for those things, but I was making efforts, y'know! Even though people were still ignoring me, at least I wasn't ignoring them anymore. shrugs Is that better, you ask? I don't know. But that's what this dream made me ponder about. I had another dream that, I think, actually was the continuation of the last one. Wanna hear it? Well, if not, hit the "Back" button of your browser, click one of your bookmarks or whatever, but don't stay here 'cause I'm going to tell ya anyway. So here it goes. There was a party (yup, another party) somewhere. The place had the general strcture of one of my friends's place, Vincent's father's home, where we had several parties already. And freakin' good ones at that. Hehehee... The place was brighter however, and it was on a cloudy yet bright day, during daytime... Anyway, I still couldn't recognize most of the people that were there, but, once again, I knew some of them. Among them was a girl I don't see anymore. I met Rain (her actual name's Rani, but everyone called her Rain, or so she told me) in a first aid course, who attended it with her sister, Prabhavatie (sorry for the potential misspelling). There, I was utterly entranced by her (Rain's) irresistible smile. If I remember well, Rain had always lived in Quebec, but her mother was from India. Her exotic beauty was amazing. When I saw her first, I barely could look at her! I've never been able to tell her, because she was the kind of girl who had tons of friends, too many for my taste. Even one of my friends also had a crush on her, although he wouldn't (or couldn't) admit it. All in all, I didn't stand a chance. But one day, as Prabha had realized I was in love with Rain, she was told the big news. Rain called me and asked me "You're not in love with me, are you?" Ungh! Of course I wasn't expecting her to ask me this that day! And you should have heard the way she asked it... I felt as if she was actually laughing at me! I don't know if that's because she didn't know how to ask, but I was kinda insulted by her total lack of regard for my feelings! So, without thinking, I answered no, and since then we began to see each other less and less. Anyway. shakes head to get rid of old feelings that are trying to find their way back Those are old memories now. Back to the story! Oddly, I wasn't that impressed by Rain anymore, probably because of my real life experiences. Actually, I barely noticed her. There was another girl, small, plump and quite ugly, that was rather dumb and annoying as well. She seemed to have a crush on me. Weeee... But Rain had another sister, besides Prabha, who was a bit younger, maybe 14 or 15, maybe even younger, and, oddly, a bit asian-looking. She wasn't exceptionnally beautiful either without being utterly hideous, let's say cute... and she was rather... lonely. As everyone was partying and having fun around, she was lying on the sofa, in the living room. That girl, who, I admit, was rather young for me, still radiated some mysterious aura in her silence. That aura made her look so much older, wiser and more serious than her age would pretend! Sitting in the kitchen (which is practically the same room as the living room), wordless, I felt something special, a strange emotion that took over me. I just couldn't say a word, glancing briefly at the girl, who was perfectly concentrated on whatever she was doing. There was some kind of emotional bond, something stronger than everything I had ever felt before! Those feelings were too powerful to be natural, like an ultimate love, something very spiritual, not only a physical or sexual attraction. Y'know, a kindred spirit!... Somehow, I knew we loved each other, even though we had never met before. I don't remember what happened between, but I found myself in a room with her, both comfortably lying on a soft white leather covered single-person bed. Though we were probably naked (at least from the waist and up; I didn't look down... funny but true!), I had no sexual intentions. I was so calm at heart, as if I had finally found what I had missing since my birth. She was far from having a killer body, probably because it wasn't fully developped yet (remember, she was very young). We still hadn't exchanged a word, but we knew we loved each other as if we were one. I was floating on a cloud of happiness, utterly mesmerized by her mere presence by my side. Later, we were in my basement, in this very room from where I'm writing all this. slowly looks around, confused This time, we were casually clad. To my left, there's an old, brown hide-bed with a Scottish pattern. There she was sitting, holding an acoustic guitar, while I sat on an old chair covered in a torn burgundy plastic, holding another guitar (we have two in real life). She was amazing, playing a soothing classical guitar tune, and I was melting before her apparently unlimited talent! Her fingers were gracefully dancing on the strings at the speed of light, always pulling the exact notes that followed the flow of the music. She possessed such a natural skill, it only made me want to give up playing guitar! She amazed me beyond words, second after second. Everything she did just made closer to perfection. And I loved her beyond imagination. Beyond how much it is possible to love someone. Unfortunately, I eventually woke up. I wish I could've stayed in this world with her forever. Now I know I'll never see her again. Now look at me, I'm all shakin' and my eyes are all wet with tears. I feel ridiculous, yet I wonder what I'll do without her? When I think about it, I realize I'll never see her again! How can I expect to live after feeling such emotions that defy understanding? When I woke up this morning, I had lost all the little enthusiasm I had for living, because I'll prolly never see that girl again, and it makes me despair once again. 5 minutes later Did I tell ya my Linear algebra teacher's an utter complete jerk? Yea. The incarnation of Incomptence (note the captial "I"). The real motherfucker ya (shut up Fred!), the ultimate paroxysm of idiocy! 'nuff said. If I go on like this I'll take my sniper rifle and shoot all his family down. Or beat them down to death with a diarrhea infected squirrel. You don't want me to do this, do you? Well don't ask me for more, dammit! 21/03/01 grimaces Ungh... Almost... finished!... Just... one... more... Ack! puts another jelly bean in his aching mouth What's better that jelly beans to energize the long evenings spent studying with an overdose of sugar?... Well, that chemical stuff may be totally scrumptious, but my tongue's all ripe from all those acids and ingredients you're not even able to pronounce. Bah, it's better than coffee. At least my teeth don't yellow and I still can type with a relatively good accuracy. Why's that leg of mine continually kicking, you ask? Nothing to do with it. Must be because of tomorrow morning's exam I've been studying for. And I don't become dependent of jelly beans either. All this to conclude: kids, don't drink coffee to stay awake. Eat jelly beans! face twists in disgust as he chews on one of the remaining chemical blobs 19/03/01 Yo! I finished my "Structured programmation" exam in a hurry so that I could continue playing Vampire: The Masquerade... Did I forget to tell you that I finally spent the credit I got from BG II? (see the "Raging at a sucking game" saga, 08/01/01) Yup, well, that's it. I had heard and read about that game, and I thought it seemed pretty cool, so I bought it, and I still have 20 bucks to spend on something else. Good deal! And V:TM was well worth it, it's excellent. I thought it was more of an RPG, but I'm not too disappointed. It's very interesting and immersive nonetheless. I'd say it's a cross between Diablo, Nightmare Creatures (the first, I heard the second plain sucked) and Resident Evil. Throw an original story line in with some RPG and strategy elements, put it all in a baggie, shake it up and TOOP TOOP!, you've got Vampire: The Masquerade. The online experience's quite entertaining too. May you be a hardcore roleplayer or a powergamer, you'll find a game that suits you. Well, no offense but I've got other things to do. Gotta continue playing V:tM. 'nuff said, I'm outta here. Later! 17/03/01 Hmmm... Green jellybeans are good... munch munch Well, it's been some time. Hail all, and I beg you to pardon me for my unannounced absence and lack of updates. Actually I didn't go anywhere, I kinda lost the sense of it. Yup, still here, downstairs, right in front of "my" computer speaking to myself only to be read by a handful of fellow madmen supporting me in my attempt to openly share my life on tha Net. It's good to be back, folks! After a month and an amazing 3 votes, I thought it was time to recycle the poll! The votes were: one for "Leave 'em that way" (which currently is, by the way, at mid-back); one vote for rastas (heh, thanks for supporting me, ShAgOo!) and one last vote for "What's the difference?". Honestly, I don't know either. I actually hoped to get an answer with that poll. :) shrugs Heh! No time for news 'bout me, but I can only tell that some university courses absolutely suck. sighs Bah, I'd better think about something else. I've found a promising game made by a previously unheard group of developers, Glitchless, Dawn. It's a next generation MMORPG (which stands for massive multiplayer online role playing game... you prolly understand why we prefer to refer to MMORPGs) that, as explained Glitchless, promises, among others, full freedom, the laws actually being created by the players as they organize into communities. The only problem is, I doubt that all players will have the maturity of assuming the responsabilities that come with that kind of total freedom. When the question of competition is brought on the table, Glitchless answers that it will be good for their baby, stating that they hope it will cause only the most dedicated and mature roleplayers to choose Dawn. I sure hope they're right, as I already signed up as beta tester (it ain't too late: you also still can by visiting Glitchless' website: Makes you dream too? >:) catches up his breath Phew, enough talking for this afternoon! (Heh heh.. That doesn't mean you won't see me again t'night!) C ya later guys and gals!