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Adhering to Murphy's philosophy is the only alternative left for me... besides suicide, that is. But, do not worry fellow readers, I shall not commit such a wicked act. If it was only of myself... hmmm... dunno. Yea, I've seriously thought about it though. I admit. It was some time ago, when I was still trying to find a cure to my condition. I was asking too many questions back then. Anyway. But the mere fact of thinking about the sadness my departure would cause in those rare persons who care for me brings tears in my eyes. Even though I can't seem to find my place and purpose in this world, I just can't consider hurting someone else's feelings. Well, actually that depends. I can be a real pain in the ass when I want to. Most of the time I just don't care, you see.
Those are the key words in defining my existence. Don't-care. I say the so-called meaning of living (or existing, for pessimists like myself) is just an illusion. Let's face it: we're only relatively evolved animals, chunks of flesh that move, reproduce and consume resources until our bodies fall apart and return to the earth to feed the plants. The end. No afterlife, nothing. It's all over then. However, most people just can't stand this reality, so they create crappy and stupid concepts and ideas such as souls, gods or, as forementioned, afterlife. C'mon, don't tell me you believe all this bullshit! When you die, your body sees all its biological functions stop and ceases working when it gets too old and broken. That's all! When you die, you're dead, dammit! Arh, anyway... That debate ain't on the verge of being concluded, but I still can't understand why humans, with their superior thinking (relatively to any other known life form, of course, though flawed and misadapted), are so naive and need all those pointless and ridiculous illusions to stay alive! All those billions of years of evolution to come to that? Oh, please, spare me of this nonsense!
I'm outta here, dammit!
*walks away, pissed off*
23/01/01
Surprise, it's me again(*sighs* ...shut up...). I've just added a brand new sexy guest book at the bottom of the page (06/05/01-edit: as you probably realized, it's now on the left side). You can go there to leave your mark in The Useless Tome of Despair. C ya later.
23/01/01
Whoa, I'm bored... - We need something to jam to! CRUNCH-CRUUUUNCH!
Yesterday I discovered the magic of WinAmp visualizers. First I messed around with the visualization studio or something like that. I created a pattern and played with it much the same way a dj plays with sound effects. 'was pretty cool. Then I thought about a "friend"'s company website, Wild Tangent. They do some pretty cool stuff (like visualizers and games). I downloaded and tried them all (the visualizers, I mean). Great. Just plain fascinating. Utterly hypnotic. I was mesmerized for more than an hour at the realism (not talking proportions here btw) of Santa's Helper, a "virtual dancer", as they call it... or her. I then tried another one, Dream, which is an array of rotating, color shifting, shape changing symbols and floating... well, things. I put Tetsuo's theme (see Akira, you lame woodmen), which is a disturbing but mind-blowing collection of voices, xylophones, drums and organs (the musical instrument, of course ;) Heheehheeeh). I swear, no drug could compete with the feeling this combination provides. I highly recommend you visit Wild Tangent's website, there's quite a lot of interesting stuff in there.
I now sit in my old, uncomfortable black fake-leather chair (which has my butt's outline well printed in its flat cushion), watching Dot-o-Rama full-screen visualize my WinAmp playlist songs, trying to follow Three Doors Down, RHCP, Korn, Radio Head, Lit, Papa Roach, Creed, STP, Limp Bizkit and Cake (with their wonderful remix of I will survive. That song got something special to me... dunno why) with my guitar. I'm so used to hearing the same old songs over and over that I'm almost getting not too bad (eh?). Well, actually I don't know, 'cause I have the headphones on 'cause everyone's asleep by this time, so I can't hear a single chord. *shrugs* But I imagine I have it right so that I don't enter a despairing state of utter suicidal (looks up in the dictionnary to make sure he doesn't look too dumb) catalepsy.
I wrote my first Ada95 program today. Used to calculate a rectangle's perimeter using user-defined inputs. Very tough (sarcasm). I was so discouraged in class. It seemed (and was) so simple, and they took SO much time to define and explain the problem. I was despairing. There's always an ingenious idiot to not understand the explanations or imagine problems where there are not. By the time we were supposed to be finished with devising a solution for the problem (stupid academic approach) - *grimaces* Woah, this mp3's screwed up! *deletes screwed up mp3* - I was astonished to learn that we then had to write the algorithm I had just finished. Ungh. *sighs* While they were at it, they could have chosen a real, tougher example that would've been more representative of a problem we would have to solve! This way we actually could have learned something, but no! They just HAD to waste more of my time (not that it's so important to me, but that's yet another evidence of this life's exasperating senselessness). Raaaaah... Then we go to the lab to actually write and compile our future Microshaft megahit. So, I sit at a comp and manage to find the program they told about in the courses. Then the supervisor (the teacher wasn't there 'cause this was a facultative class) tells me to close it, start a crapass Unix emulator and rewrite my program in a dumb, basic text editor. Ngrngyghish!... *grits teeth, grumbles* Alright, I do it as the perfect little student I am (wtf?). There. All I have left is to compile the damn stupid program by finding (the supervisor had mysteriously disappeared, probably abducted by a family wild milk cartons) and starting something called GRASP user interface (which is not the one we'll use in the rest of the course... Nngrglthnglythngl!...), only to realize after several minutes of vain, blood-pumping fictitious bug finding that the damn compiler wasn't installed on THE very pc I chose (actually it's the second I chose: the first one wasn't working at all), while everyone else had it. No, I did not get angry. I'm too used to that kind of situations. You know the saying, what can go wrong always does. If a choice can be done between many things, I always choose the worst one. And the like. Anyway. You'll ask me why the hell I went to the class if it was facultative. Well it's because I thought I could learn something more that would make my first-term University newbie studies a bit easier. *shrugs* How amusing.
...
Well... going back to brain-melting. Have fun.
21/01/01
I'm so tired. Tired such as in physically tired. Such as in I can't see what I'm writing unless I stick my face in the screen 'cause everything's so blurred and fuzzy. Also such as in I kept waking up for nothing in the middle of last night and that I officially woke up at 6 am to go to work at 7. Finally, tired such as in I'm back from an entertaining but disappointing evening with some friends. Anyway. Don't have much to say, so I guess I'd better head to my bed right now.
*stares at Nirvana Unpluggged in New York album and jiggles* I'm so tired, I can't seeeeeeeeeeeeeeee...
18/01/01
Phew... *shakes head* Those glue vapors are toxic, I tell ya. That job's wonderful. It's like a free collective buzz twice a week. Though, everyone over there has some kind of physical and/or psychological problem. Many have eyes that spread out and look very creepy (even for young guys). Others, those who've been working there for several years, all look at least twice as old as they really are, no kidding. There's one with sparse grey hair and huge, floppy eyelids. Even though he must be about 35, he looks as if he had at least 50 (yea, I know, that's not twice, so what?). The old ones are old, withered, filthy and utterly disturbing. Nah wait. That must be because they're factory workers. Errr... I hope I'll find something better one day, 'cause.. y'know... Don't wanna be rude, but...
Oh, but that's not all. Ever seen some tall, big, tough guy begin singing with a 4 year-old girlie voice? Or, let's say, someone that randomly imitates animal noises, particularly a wolf wailing or a bear roaring? And when I say randomly, that's because they really can't help it. Anyway. I guess it's normal. *shrugs*
So here I am once again, alone in the silent night. Bah, why would I need a presence anyway. I'm feeling good when no one's around. Can't say I'm happy, but I'm not unhappy. There's something Charlie Brown says in a small book all the family know by heart. Y'know, the kind of book that's just sitting there on the toilet, just in case our biological needs get too long or arduous or both. Anyway. Charlie Brown was asked if he wanted to be happy in his life. "Oh no, he simply answered. I only want not to be unhappy." Now THAT guy really got it. Guess what? Beside that book lies "Murphy's laws and other reasons why things go wrong", an excellent work about the truth, the meaning of life and the like. The more I feel nature's call, the more I read those books. The more I read those books, the more I adhere to what can be called the "loser" philosophy. Therefore, the more I feel nature's call, the more I become a loser. Conclusion: I have to find a way to get rid of my biological needs. I think I'll stop eating tomorrow and I'll be happier in the days to come.
Yea... I'll try to draw. I mean, I like to draw, but... It's so mentally demanding! ;) Seriously, in order to draw something good, I have to be able to concentrate very hard, and when there's even only a single thing tickling my mind, well I feel all strange (often without even knowing why), and I just can't come up with something that makes sense. I don't have the energy to call for such a mental feat, sorry. Actually, the only thing that's not too mentally demanding currently are pc games, and even then, some RTS's can be amazingly complex (like Homeworld Cataclysm, which is especially challenging). Whatever. I-WANT-MY-RASTAS!!!
15/01/01
I think we can all agree that those crappy updates are way too long and boring, so I'll try to make it quick. First I returned that crap-ass game and I now have a credit to spend on a/several game(s), so feel free to manipulate and trick me into buying the worst rip-off ever. Sorry, I still can't figure how to make a guestbook, so we'll stick with e-mail for now. Anyway, this method seems to be working perfectly since a have received a big zero messages since the grand opening of this absolute waste of time. Maybe the link ain't working? Just send me an e-mail if that's the case, I'll try to fix that. Moreover I feel privileged to have received a wonderful 75 hits within two months, all coming from two or three acquaintances I guess. I'm sure you can imagine how proud I feel about that great, successful achievement. I sincerly thank you for supporting my endless whining and senseless reflections. I am eternally grateful.
Besides, the Lair of Despair won't be hosting much more new drawings. I'm tired of drawing. I've received lots of great art stuff (thanks girls), but I just don't feel like using it right now. Maybe later, dunno.
Some important changes are going on in my life. I'll actually do someting with that hair of mine. It should be done soon, as soon as my friend's able to contact his rasta-making sister. Oops, I let it out. Maybe it sounds lame and stupid, but it's something considering I've had long, boring straight hair since the beginning of high school. I'll try to get a before/after thingy once the transformation is completed. Heh, should be funny. At last, I shall access my ultimate form and I shall be the strongest being in the Universe! Muwa-hahahahaaaa! (see any saga from Dragon Ball Z. They're all the same anyway)
08/01/01
The words of wisdom of the day: Forget about the last words of wisdom, the whole Baldur's Gate thing absolutely sucks, I tell ya.
Hey, no kidding, I pissed myself off to finish that stupid (not to say something more vulgar) game that's Baldur's Gate so that I could begin Baldur's Gate II (which I received at christmas... Even though I didn't really ask for anything, I unfortunately and unconsciously let my wonderful mommy know that I was interested in the collector's edition of Baldur's Gate II because I had just read some ad saying that the musical score was included on a bonus CD in mp3 format. I was drooling. So I received it on christmas even though I didn't want it. Anyway.) Well here I am, trying the game for the very first game. After being disgusted by the horrible graphics in the inventory screen and the odd color schemes of the characters, my whole kickass 7th-level party, which was composed of Dagor, my imported dwarf, Jaheira, Imoen and Minsc (whose voice make him sound like a retarded imbecile. Anyway, that's another story), all got screwed up by a bunch of puny goblins!!! WHERE THE FUCKING HELL IS THE AD&D RULE STATING THAT 20 XP-WORTH ANUS-LICKING GOBLINS COULD ALWAYS HIT AN AC OF 3 AND KILL A WHOLE 7TH-LEVEL PARTY WITH SHORT BOWS AND WOODEN STICKS?! DID I MISS SOMETHING SOMEWHERE OR WHAT???!! So, although totally pissed off by this unsuccessful attempt of escaping the first dungeon (remember, I've only been playing for about 5 minutes), I reload my quicksave which is a few steps away from where I get killed. Of course, this time I won't get ambushed by the dumbshit puke-inducing little rectum-heads, and therefore I defeat them single-handedly. Several seconds later, I enter a kind-of library. Tons of goblins are just waiting there, hanging in a library like every goblin does. Ha! But I won't get caught this time. I'll just entangle those punkasses to death while Imoen'll take care of those witless assface archers at the back. So, I begin casting the spell. CHRIST! My eternally moronic character got after those unclefucking turdwads, engaged into melee, of course got hit and lost his spell. So I make him back up, and after countless pause-unpause sessions that were used in a hopeless attempt to correct the crappy AI from getting the fucking dumbasses stuck in a pebble or something, I miraculously get Jaheira the druid cast one of her entangle spells. Of course, the pisshead characters of my heart had to get caught in the area of effect while keeping running like jerks after the goblins. "At least I still have Jaheira" was I naively thinking. Then an invisible imp leaps out of nowhere and attacks her, killing her in two strokes. Meanwhile the rest of the party gets shot down by the fart-sniffing barforific archers like lameasses. I've had enough. Ten minutes after installing it, I had Baldur's Gate II uninstalled, packed into its case and back into it's box once again. I threw it somewhere in my bottomless wardrobe, hidden under all kind of creepy things, never to be seen again. Now, in order to keep me from frenetically biting everything to rubble in a built-up outburst of animalistic fury, I put some great, relaxing Final Fantasy music. Aaaaaah... So, if anyone wants a free copy of BG II, just send me an e-mail with your address and stuff. Nah, I'm kidding. I'll probably give it, or at least long-term lend it, to a friend. Some may have had more luck with it, but I've been SOOOOO pissed off with the first one, I won't get through the second one alive for sure!! Well, to be true, my neighborhood won't, as I would be filled with a raging, berserker-like energy that would change me into a savage, wicked-fanged brocoli drooling with an uncontrollable need for insane, psychopatic destruction like the world has never known before. HEED MY WRATH, BIOWARE!!!!!!!!!
Oh, I think I forgot to mention that the last update was not suited for young children, thank you.
Almost forgot to tell ya that I had my first university courses today. I got totally lost because the classroom I was supposed to get my first course in was in repairs or something, and it took me three or four times passing in front of it while running like a jerk to realize there was a note saying that the course would be held in another room (which was specified on the note) for today. So, I hurry to the forementioned room and quickly get in, sitting at the back. Thn I realize it's full of people who are already listening to some teacher gesturing at the front. They seem quite familiar with the guy. And it looks like they've had a year worth of theory. Hmmm. I suddenly change into a drooling vegetable.
But, I stay there for a while, hoping no one would realize. What, I could not say then, because I was completely and utterly confused. Slowly, I was falling prey to panick. Five minutes later, the weirdo at the front announces that we'd have to work on the TP0 or something (the board was full of sketches and tables and the like) during the week and that we'd talk about it next week. Hmmm. Yea, right. O-kkkkk.... Mentally whistling like an idiot, I get up and leave as if everything was ok, kinda like "pffffrt, I'm fine, everythin's cool". Once outside, I hideously explode into ravaging tears. In my head, of course, 'cause I'm still struggling to keep that relax I-got-the-poOoOoOOowAAaa cool look. Pretending to visit the place, look for someone or something like that, I wander around for several minutes, only to find myself back in front of the damn classroom, which is still filled with damn students waiting to ask some damn questions to the damn teacher!!!! *forehead veins pumping, grits teeth, breathing heavily like a maniac* As I naturally am calm as a vegetable, I have no problem fighting the despairing frenzy that's trying to find its way to my subconscious. I patiently wait to ask a question, which, of course, was as related to the last course as an albino muskrat is related to Starfrit's latest magic potato peeler. Once everyone was finished looking at us, I finally was able to ask for directions. The teacher, who obviously knew of my disarray since he was facing me as I entered the room, then informs me that his course still was not finished. Big fat freakin' yellow question marks appear in my eyes. "Your course is at 15:30, right?" he continues. My heart stops. For a moment I lacked oxygen in my brain or something, as I saw all kind of disturbing things like fork-armed evil purple hamsters on wheels and refrigerators that hurled coconuts at a wrinkled, gooey old woman by slapping their door open and closed and open and closed and open and... You see my point. I just wanted to melt right away in a smelly bubbling pond of disgusting green ichor.
...
What? Stop looking at me that way, I know everyone felt that way at least once in their life. Oh well, I'm outta here. C ya.
04/01/01
The words of wisdom of the day: Sarevok's a sucker of the worst type.
If you're wondering how you'll spend this one more senseless day, I have a suggestion for a beginning: World Wide Web Fights' Grudge Matches. This website specializes in theoritical duels. It's a very serious and thorough analysis of the following question's possible result: who would win the fight between x and y? Well, perhaps it's not that serious, but hot argumentation sure is going on there. For example, the current match involves Rosie vs Roseanne, while another implied Lara Croft vs. Duke Nukem, and another one put the U.S.S. Enterprise vs. the Death Star. This little wonder has been working for a while it seems, and it even includes a search engine to find that precise fight of your dreams. 'nuff said, go have a look for yourself, you lazy dummies.
03/01/01
Whoa... I'm so excited... Didn't you notice anything new? Look carefully. Examine the last line for two seconds. That's it! There's a new number after the second slash! Weeee... It's so wonderful! It's so extraordinary it deserves a special holiday, the new year! Everyone's happy, families meet and get drunk. Such a great moment in everyone's life! Think about it. We'll see another number on our calendar for a whole year! Now that's special, don't ya think?
Now that my sarcasm crisis is over, I can talk about more serious matters. I hope you all had a nice time partying with your friends. For my part, my holidays were relax. Nothing new happened besides a party at a friend's place. I saw a bunch of people I hadn't seen for a while. 'had fun. Didn't drink as much as I would've liked to though. On the way I was thinking of getting drunk, well not enough to throw up, but enough to experience that odd feeling of community when everyone's got low enough that they all feel as one, when there are no limits anymore due to appearences and good sense. However, I lost it all once I got there. I drunk the scottish beer I received as a gift(thanks Oblivion, t'was pretty good. That's quite exceptional, considering that I usually don't like the taste of beer), but not a drop more. I just lost my drinking spirit, dunno why. Bah, who cares, that was just another hollow party, the kind of party where you realize you're still alone while everyone's around. Much later, as I was leaving, Hend'Stah told me to take care of myself. Nothing personal dude, I know you had good intentions, but empty words and prefab sentences such as those don't really affect me. Thanks anyway, I'll try to.
I think tomorrow I'll get back to work. I say "I think" 'cause I'll have to verify this, I'm not sure. It's either the 2nd or the eight, but I think I got mixed up between university and work dates. *shrugs* It sucks, I was just getting used to a lifestyle, and *POOF!* you're in vacation and have to start everything over again two weeks later. Grrrr.
Why am I writing all this anyway? I only came here to tell you that... Argh dammit, I forgot. Anyway. I hope you had fun laughing at me. See ya.
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