I stand at the edge of his grave, looking down at the solid oak casket that lay waiting to be lowered slowly into the ground. The dismal gray sky hides the sun, but it doesn’t rain as if it knows that I am sad but not crying. A gust of wind causes me to shudder, chilling me to the bone but no one offers warmth. I don’t mind that they don’t; I’m not even sure it’s possible to warm me now. I feel so drained standing here and yet so relieved. Antonio is gone; finally succumbing to the disease that had zapped him of a life for so long. I no longer have to pretend to be his wife and care for him the way I have for the last ten months. I will never have to sit beside him in the hospital, holding his hand as he lays in a coma, my daughter in my arms fast asleep. It is over: the struggle and the pain are finished.

Father Lonigan’s voice drifts in the gloomy October air, but I cannot seem to comprehend a single word he says. My mind is too numb to understand just what this means to my life. Beside me, little Tamera slumbers peacefully in her carriage, completely unaware that anything out of the ordinary is occurring. It’s best that way for my little angel. Now she will never have to be a part of her mother’s lie.

“Sheridan,” Ethan speaks softly into my right ear, his hand touching my arm. I look up at him and he motions towards the casket, which is being lowered into the cold, semi-damp ground. Father Lonigan has already asked me to step forward and prepare to throw a small handful of dirt into the grave, starting the burial process.

I step forward shakily, bending slightly to take some earth into my hand from the mound beside the open grave. Glancing at the headstone and then into the dark hole, I whisper, “Rest in peace, Antonio,” before dropping the soil slowly and turning away. Ethan puts his arms around me, leading me back to Tamera’s carriage. I feel as if I should be crying over the loss of my husband, but no one seems to expect tears and even I can’t bring myself to cry.

People begin to walk towards their cars, scattering across the cemetery. Pilar and Ethan ask if I would like some time alone, but I can’t bring myself to reply. They take my silence as a response and head for the car, leaving me standing there with my back to the headstone and the men burying Antonio.

I look around as the first tears start to fill my eyes and I realize I’m not crying for Antonio, but for myself. Wrapping my arms tightly around my middle, I become conscious of the fact that I am truly alone now. I have lost both brothers in my selfishness and I have nothing but my child. My heart is torn in two and I start to fall apart. My knees begin to buckle but before I hit the ground I find myself in a warm, strong grasp.

I look up and my eyes meet the tender brown eyes of Luis, his arms still holding me close to him. I can hardly believe that after nearly another year apart, Luis can still make my insides liquefy and my emotions run wild. Just looking at him chases away the chill inside my body and heats the blood in my veins. I love him; even now I love him as if we had never been apart.

“Are you all right?” he asks, cautiously releasing me as I once again balance on both feet. I can hear the sincere concern in his tone and close my eyes to savor this moment.

“Thanks to you,” I whisper, opening my eyes again. “I didn’t know you were here,” I tell him, looking around at the somewhat empty graveyard. The men are still filling Antonio’s final resting place and Tamera continues to sleep soundly.

“Mama called me last week to tell me Antonio was in the hospital. I’ve been here ever since,” he replies, turning away from me and looking at Antonio’s plot. “I stopped into the hospital a few times when I knew you weren’t there.”

I chew on my lower lip nervously, wounded by his avoiding me. I should have known that Luis would find a way to be here for Antonio’s funeral; after all, that would make him the oldest Lopez-Fitzgerald child and Pilar would need him. Luis would never force the responsibility onto Miguel, who was now the only boy living at home, or Paloma, who had returned for Antonio’s final days. Luis was always the honorable older brother and the responsible, compassionate son; that was part of the reason I fell in love with him. His care for his family promised that some day Luis would be a wonderful husband and father.

Tamera stirs, whimpering in her sleep. I look to my left and begin to move for the carriage, but Luis stops me. His hand is in the air as he crosses to Tam’s carriage and gently lifts her from it. She snuggles into the extra body heat that Luis provides and seems to calm for a minute. She’s so small compared to her father that she barely seems to cover his forearm and Luis just watches her sleep. Tam was blessed with the Lopez looks: rich chocolate colored hair and silky tan skin. Her dark black lashes rest against her chubby little cheeks and beneath lay her only connection to me: sparkling sapphire blue eyes. Pilar loved to watch her little granddaughter because she reminded her so much of Luis.

“She’s beautiful,” he looks at me and I want to tell him so badly but can’t find the words I need. “She looks exactly like Theresa did at this age.”

Watching Luis hold our daughter and rock her soothingly makes me feel as if I’m in another time and place. The last ten months seem like a fleeting memory as I study him, noting that he hasn’t changed at all. He is still the same handsome, gently man that he has always been. His eyes remained fixed on our tiny daughter and still I cannot find the words that I need to say to him. I’m entirely wrapped up in this scene and I cannot believe that my love for him is as consuming as it has always been.

I’m reminded of the only dream I’ve had since he left that wintry New Years day. It starts the same every time. I am sitting alone in the cottage after just telling Antonio the truth about Luis and me. He was angry when he left but I am relieved because the truth is out and I have stopped my wedding. But Luis has already left town and I cannot find him anywhere. So I just stay in my cottage waiting for him. Finally, he strides in as if he’s been there the entire time, this beautiful smile on his face and his features lit with joy. He walks to the couch, pulls me into his arms and kisses me, telling me he loves me and that he could never love anyone more.

But then I wake, finding myself alone praying for Luis to come back to me. I want him to love me like he did years ago when we first planned to be married. I miss the soul-searching kisses and the earth shattering lovemaking that we’ve shared in the past. I know that if I could only explain to him that Tamera is his daughter and that I have never stopped loving him that he will open himself back up and we both will find that the love is still there. That’s my only wish: to one day have Luis admit to me that he still loves me like he once did.

“Luis?” I near him, placing my hand against his bicep. He tenses slightly, but when our eyes meet I see nothing but the hollow brown eyes of a man in pain. Holding the child he believes is his niece seems too much for him and he slowly starts to hand her back to me.

I take Tam and kiss the top of her head. “We’ve all missed you very much, Luis. I only wish you had come home under other circumstances.”

“Me too,” he seems to enjoy watching me so we bother fall silent, just letting ourselves soak up this time alone. The weather, however, seems to have a different idea as the skies open up and rain begins to fall. It’s slow at first, but steady, the light drizzle almost like a mist over the world. Luis removes the umbrella from the bottom of the carriage and opens it, holding it over my head. “Can’t let you two get sick.”

“Thank you.”

He follows my every move with the umbrella as I return Tam to the carriage and tuck her in tightly. Luis and I walk along, the umbrella protecting us from the rain as we head for his car. I notice that Pilar and Ethan have left already and I have no other way to the Lopez-Fitzgerald home where Pilar is holding a small funeral reception for the family. Luis opens the passenger side door without a word and I look at him expectantly.

“Can’t make you walk,” he tells me, shrugging slightly. “I don’t have a car seat, but I’m sure there isn’t a cop in Harmony that will pull us over today.” I don’t explain about Tam’s carriage seat, I simply remove it and buckle it into the car. He passes Tamera over to me and then helps me into the car. Once we’re both safely inside he folds the carriage and climbs into the car beside me. It feels so right to be this way, almost as if we’re a family.

It isn’t a long drive from the cemetery to Pilar’s home and the moment the car starts rolling I wish it would be a longer trip. I’ve almost forgotten what it is like to drive beside Luis in a car, just sitting in amicable silence as he steers the car down the streets of Harmony. Neither one of us says a thing but it isn’t because we’re comfortable being so quiet, but instead we’re on edge. The only sound in the car is the swishing of the windshield wipers against the glass. I still have so many things to say to Luis, the biggest of which is the fact he’s a father, but nothing comes. His eyes stay on the road, mine on the mirror so I can watch Tam and I try to find a good way to broach the subject that we both want to discuss.

But it really isn’t that simple. How do you go about telling the man you love, the man who is the brother to the one you married, that the child you have isn’t his niece but actually his daughter? What words will bring a comfort to him when he realizes that he has missed out on the pregnancy and birth of his first born as well as her first month on earth? Is there even enough words to convey how sorry I am to him for letting myself get into this situation and keeping everything a secret as long as I did? No, and I know that Luis won’t find solace in Tam just because she is his. I’m going to owe him more than an ‘I’m sorry’, I’m going to owe him my life and that of my child.

Taking a chance, I shift my eyes towards him for a few minutes, watching as his tensely pull the car into the driveway. In a few moments we’ll both be inside and surrounded by family and we’ll never have the chance to talk and share everything that should be said. If I let him out of this car, I’ll regret it for the rest of my life and I already have far too many regrets.

I’ve never been the desperate type; I didn’t chase men around and fawn all over them. Usually, they came looking for my fortune and me. But I find the itch turning into a desire for him and I can’t put out the raging inferno that’s building inside of me. I’m not just frantic, I’m reckless and I open my mouth, spilling out everything without thinking.

“I love you, Luis. I’ve been in love with you since the moment we met and I haven’t stopped since. Your coming home today has taught me that it’s never too late to make things right and start over.”

He starts to speak, but I can’t let him interrupt. If he does, I may never find the strength and the courage to continue again.

“No, let me finish,” I cut him off, taking a deep breath. “This isn’t about Antonio’s passing away and it certainly isn’t the perfect timing, but I’m in dire need of finally letting go of everything that my heart has held on to for so long. This isn’t going to be easy, Luis, but it’s going to be the truth as I see it. I love you. I love you so much my heart breaks just thinking about you getting out of this car and walking away from me. I need you as part of my life, part of our daughter’s life. I want a second chance for us; I believe in us. I think that if you’d just open your heart again you’d realize that you love me too and that we could be happy together. Do you love me, Luis?”

“Of course I love you, Sheridan. I’ve always loved you. Just because I left doesn’t mean I managed to stop loving you after all this time.” He sighs, pausing for a moment. I can tell he is mulling over my words. “Wait. You said ‘our daughter’. You mean your daughter, don’t you?”

“No, Luis,” my eyes sparkle, I can tell because I’m finally going to get to notify him of the truth about Tamera. “I mean our daughter, yours and mine. Luis, Tam was conceived the night we were going to elope. She’s our baby.”

“Our baby,” he repeats the words. “Ours, yours and mine.” For a moment he looks dazed but suddenly a full blow smile spreads across his face and he’s glowing. It’s as if it’s the first time in months that he and I have finally smiled and felt something other than the depressed funk we had been living in. “I have a daughter.”

I nod. “And a wife, if you want us.”

He’s silent again, the smile is gone and I understand that I have gone too far too fast. Looking away, I see little Tamera waking and move for the door. “Thank you for the ride. I appreciate your being willing to take us home. If you leave Tam’s carriage in the living room I can put it away later,” I start to climb from the vehicle into the rain.

His hand grabs my arm and I pause for a moment, still looking out at the rain. Suddenly, his voice fills the car. “True love never has to end, Sheridan, and ours never has. Today isn’t the day to talk about weddings and romance, but I want you to know that I need and love you as much as you need and love me. I have some thinking to do, then we’ll talk about getting married.”

“Does that mean…”

“Of course I still want you as my wife, Sheridan, and I want to help raise my child in a house full of love and commitment. Today just isn’t the right day for us. We both need some time before we can move ahead.”

“How much time?”

“We’ll know when it’s right,” he tells me and then he climbs out of the car, removes Tam’s carriage and goes inside with the oversize plastic contraption.

I wait a few minutes before removing the carrier with Tam in it and heading inside. Everyone offers me sympathetic smiles, but they don’t realize that inside the only pain I am feeling is because the man I truly love has once against pushed me away. I see him off in the corner talking rapidly with Ethan and before I know what is going on, Pilar has taken Tamera from me and I am completely alone standing in the doorway to the living room. Everyone chatters idly, munching on the wonderful spread of food that Pilar has made to honor the passing of her son. Father Lonigan and a few others come over every so often to supply me with some words of support, but nothing seems to help. Their words speak of a man I never loved. The words I really need to hear must come from Luis.

I walk over to the mantle and lift the photograph of Antonio and me from our wedding day. It’s a sorry excuse for a wedding picture and I look absolutely miserable on the day I became his wife. It isn’t the joyous occasion it should be. In fact, it was the saddest day in all of my thirty years. Not even my mother’s death seemed to cause me as much pain as losing Luis because of my own stupidity.

Returning the picture to its rightful place, I turn and walk to the windows, looking out at the rain. This isn’t the way that my life is supposed to be. Right now I should be wrapped in Luis’ arms, cuddling our daughter and treating her like gold. Instead I am looking at the droplets of water that have collected on the glass and listen as people speak about Antonio as if he were some kind of saint. Even Luis’ voice travels across the room and though he doesn’t lavish his brother with praise after disappearing on the family, he never wishes him harm. It’s just not in him to be vindictive within his own family. He loves them all too much.

“One day, Luis,” I whisper, tracing the path of one drop of rain. “One day we’re going to be in love again. The same kind of love we had back before Antonio came into our lives. No one is going to harm us or tear us apart because we won’t let it.”

I close my eyes. “I’m sorry, Antonio. I’m sorry I wasn’t the wife you deserved but I always believed that Luis and I would be husband and wife and until my dying day I’ll believe in him and me. If we can’t make it, no one can.”

And as if I’m being released from a prison, my soul feels lighter and I all at once grasp the fact that Antonio knew of our love and supported it in his passing. With my back to Luis I can feel his eyes on me and I know for sure that one day he and I will not only be in love but we’ll be married and everything will be the way it should be.