He never liked Christmas; there was just something about the holiday that reminded him of the mistakes in his past, the errors in decision that made him the way he was today. As always, he spent Christmas with the other Lopez-Fitzgeralds in the living room of Pilar’s little house singing carols around the large evergreen that they had decorated earlier in the month. The pile of presents had gotten slightly larger every year as grandchildren contributed to the growing number in the family. This year would be no different and he was slightly tired of being the only one without a family of his own.

Sighing, he entered the house without ringing the doorbell, the warmth inside welcome after the frigid snow-filled air of the outdoors. He stomped his boots on the welcome mat, knocking some loose snow to the ground, and then hung his jacket inside the closet by the front door. His mother’s laughter drifted in the air from the kitchen, the smell of cookies and pies making him hungry. For the first time that day he smiled, though slightly, at the thought of how happy she had become since she started having grandchildren to fawn over. First it had been Theresa’s son, who had turned out to be a Bennett and not a Crane. Little Ethan Martin was the pride and joy of the family for nearly a year when his parents married. They hadn’t given him a sibling, as of yet, but it was mostly for lack of trying. Theresa’s fashion design business occupied most of her time and Ethan had managed to become the great lawyer he had dreamed leaving poor Ethan Jr. with a nanny they had hired in his second year: Phyllis, the maid from the mansion.

Miguel was still single, fighting his feelings for the mother of his child while clinging to the woman of his past. Kay had given birth to little Alison just nine months after Charity’s heart transplant. It had quickly come out that the baby belonged to Miguel, breaking Charity’s heart to know that her boyfriend had made love to another while she was a human popsicle. Sam and Pilar pressed Miguel to do the right thing and marry Kay, take responsibility for the child they had together. But he had refused, wanting no one but the fair Charity who had left town and never looked back. Now their daughter was six and Kay was getting tired of waiting for the father of her child to marry her. She was taking interest in other men, some of which were taking major interest in her and little Alison. It didn’t seem like Miguel cared, but deep down anyone could see it bothered him. Sam and Pilar still awaited a proposal and a wedding.

But no one could have a wedding like Sheridan and his brother’s. Their first wedding had been that night in the hospital with Father Lonigan presiding but it was two weeks after Ethan and Theresa’s nuptials that Sheridan and his brother married in an affair that rocked Harmony. Just one year before the next grandchildren arrived: twins of course. Little Kathryn and Courtney Lopez-Fitzgerald were now nearly five-years-old and looked just like their mother; their next sibling, a brother the exact image of the father for whom he was named, was nearly three and finally the baby of the family was another son, Martin, the perfect blend of his parents who had just turned one. With the four children keeping her incredibly busy, Sheridan had opted not to work but still maintained a volunteer job at the Youth Center, where the children were very active in extracurricular activities even at their young age. And then there was his brother, the man he had let have the woman he loved all those years ago…Luis. Still the town hero, Luis Lopez-Fitzgerald became detective not long after the twins were born and every case that crossed his desk was always solved. Four children, the perfect wife and the job of his dreams, Luis had it all.

Paloma wrote home often, though she had yet to move back. She was in love with a nice boy from the old country and it seemed like even the baby Lopez-Fitzgerald was going to begin her family soon. But not him, not Antonio. He still had too much resentment towards his brother and Sheridan to move on, even if he did have a wonderful girl in his life right now. It just wasn’t the same and it never would be without her in his life.

“Mommy! Daddy! Look what I made with Nana!” Courtney ran through the living room from the kitchen, a giant chocolate chip cookie in her tiny hands. A top it in red frosting were the letters M+D circled in a very crooked little heart.

Sheridan swept her daughter onto the couch. “That’s a very pretty cookie you have there, Miss Court, but didn’t Daddy and I tell you no sweets before dinner?”

“But Mommy, I’m hungry,” her lower lip quivered.

“We have to wait for Uncle Tony to come, baby,” Luis kissed her tiny cheek. “Now go put the cookie in the kitchen for later.”

“Yes, Daddy,” she kissed the tip of his nose and slowly left the room.

Little Martin toddled over from his place on the living room floor, chubby legs carrying him to his parents who coached him from the couch. The little boy grinned a semi-toothless smile when his father lifted him in the air and tickled his stomach with kisses. Sheridan’s delicate fingers finding the child’s side and making him laugh. The couple kissed their son, who settled on his father’s lap, before kissing each other sweetly.

His eyes glazed over as he watched the scene, his little brother and the woman he loved laughing on the couch over their child, exchanging heated glances as the youngest Lopez-Fitzgerald squealed in joy. Sheridan would have been his wife now had he not pressed her to choose otherwise. She would have had his children, slept in his bed, had he not been too decent of a man to right the injustice in the hospital. He could remember so clearly that day some six and a half years ago, the day that changed his life forever.

He watched from the doorway to his hospital room as his brother grabbed the woman he loved and pulled her to him, looking deep into her hypnotic blue eyes. Their lips were inches apart, but Sheridan struggled against his hard grip, both breathing erratically.

“So what’s it going to be, Sheridan?” Luis demanded. “What’s your choice: him or me?”

It didn’t take a genius to see she loved Luis and even his illness wouldn’t be reason enough to break up their love. He knew Sheridan, knew that a woman like her would choose out of duty and not love. He could see it in her eyes, her resolve. Somehow she mustered up enough strength to hurt the man she loved and replied, “Him, Luis, I choose Antonio.”

Luis stiffened, his hands balling into fists around the engagement ring he had been holding to give to her. Tears filling his eyes, Luis forced an even tone. “If that’s what you want,” he gritted out between clenched teeth.

“It is,” Sheridan forced out, trying not to fall apart in front of him.

He nodded, taking a step back. “I hope you two have a wonderful life together,” a tear rolled down his cheek but Luis made no move to brush it away. “One without me in it,” he turned on his heels and walked down the corridor, leaving her alone.

“Luis,” she whimpered, collapsing into a nearby chair. “Oh God, what have I done?”

Sheridan hadn’t know he had been watching her that time, listening to her pleas to bring him back and fix the grievous error she had made. It was then that Antonio knew he couldn’t hold on to her, that the pain she was suffering was too immense and only a bastard would hurt her by making her stay. When she returned to his room he had told her that she belonged with Luis and that she should find him before they both did things that they would regret. Sheridan had kissed him goodbye, thanking him for understanding before running out of his life for good. That night there was a quiet wedding in the hospital chapel and it was a year before they could renew their vows with family and friends around them. Antonio had been best man, as promised, and Sheridan had asked Gwen Hotchkiss to be her maid of honor. Two lonely hearts watching someone else’s dreams come true.

What Sheridan and Luis hadn’t realized is that in achieving their dreams, they had demolished his. Before he had met Sheridan, who he knew as Diana, he didn’t dream for much. Surviving was enough for him at the time. Then she fell into his world, made him dream about settling down with a family, having children and going back to Harmony for the rest of his life. She had turned his world upside-down and given him everything he ever wanted. They had come so close to happiness and it looked as though she might have come back to him that first year. When she miscarried the baby she was carrying it put a strain on the marriage and she had turned to Antonio for support at times, especially when the baby’s paternity was questioned. Still, he had pushed her back into Luis’ arms, pretending that he was moving on with this woman or that. At one time it was Beth, at another some random woman from a bar and most recently someone they had yet to know the identity of, someone that was going to arrive later that night to spend Christmas with the LoFitz family.

“Uncle Tony! Why are you hiding in the hallway?” little Kathryn asked, crossing her arms over her chest and looking very much like a little Sheridan Crane. “It’s not nice to eavesdrop,” she insisted, when she noticed his eyes pinned on her parents.

“I just got here, Kathy, calm those little Crane-LoFitz genes would you?” he ruffled her curly blond hair, earning a wide-eyed scream. He always forgot that for identical twins Courtney and Kathryn couldn’t be less alike. Courtney was a tomboy and loved playing football and soccer with the boys, much to her mother’s chagrin. Kathryn was ever the lady and was already interested in makeup and clothing, not to the delight of her father.

“I’m telling Aunt Theresa!” she huffed, running off into the other room with tears rolling down her cheeks. This just proved that you could be a child’s godfather but that didn’t guarantee you knew them.

“Antonio! I’m so glad you decided to come. Pilar was worried you had changed your mind,” Sheridan crossed the room to her brother-in-law and hugged him. “Merry Christmas.”

“Yea, Merry Christmas bro,” Luis smiled, harboring no hard feelings for the older man anymore.

“Thanks, Merry Christmas to you both,” he picked up Martin, who had toddled after his mother. “And to you little man. You’re getting so big.”

“Yes he is, and he looks a little more like his daddy today,” Sheridan tried to brush down a cowlick on the back of her son’s head with her fingers. “This hair is so unruly, Martin Anthony Lopez-Fitzgerald.”

Antonio laughed when little Martin just grinned stupidly at his mother, not caring what his hair looked like. “I think he’s a lot more like my brother than you give him credit for,” he carried the child over to a seat in the living room. For a while the trio sat in tense silence just waiting for someone to mention something. There my not have been lingering anger at the past, but there was still a discomfort in the family that caused a rift between them all.

“Why don’t I get us some drinks and let Mama know that Antonio is here?” Luis asked, leaning over to kiss Sheridan’s cheek as he stood.

Antonio had to be careful not to bunch his hands into fist; his little nephew was resting silently in his arms. His anger and jealous quickly dissipated as Luis left the room, the kitchen door swinging shut behind him as he left Antonio with Sheridan. The silence was deafening as Sheridan fiddled with her rings, Antonio’s blue eyes following her every movement. He hadn’t meant to stare at her, but every time they were in the same room only one thought came to mind: his being with her. It was foolish, really, seven years apart should have taught him that Sheridan wasn’t his, but she was still in a way. He would always remember his Diana, the woman that was engaged to him and had made love to only him. But she wasn’t Diana anymore and she was no longer his fiancée, now she was his sister-in-law. Blood was thicker than water, his mother would say, but both had one thing in common: when spilled both could be cleared away as if they were never there.

“So, Antonio, Pilar says that you’ve met someone and become quite serious. Do I know her?” Sheridan questioned, trying to start a conversation. “Do I hear wedding bells?”

Wedding Bells? Antonio couldn’t even hear the Christmas carols being sung in the other room. To him it was still the July that they shared together in Bermuda, the May that they made love. It was always the days of the past, the ones where she was in his arms professing never ending love. Tomorrow would never dawn for him because tomorrow would be just like today: cold and lonely. The only thing that filled his times were dreams of the past and sometimes at night, he could still hear her breathing as she rested in his arms. When he closed his eyes, he could feel her kisses so sweet. Shaking his head to return to there here and now, Antonio shrugged. “I don’t know if there can be a wedding for me, Sheridan.”

“Oh Tony, please don’t do this. You shouldn’t be focusing on what happened in the past. Luis and I, we’re very happy Tony. I love your brother and I always have. We have children now and I was stupid to think that I could have stayed with you and watched him in pain. Luis and I share a bond that isn’t of this earth, Antonio. I wouldn’t have been happy and neither would you. We would have suffered. We both did what was right…”

“Easy for you to say,” he huffed, looking down at his now sleeping nephew. “But you’re right. It’s pointless to focus on what should have been or what could have been. We’re past that point of no return and you and Luis have established roots here. You have a family and I wouldn’t take that away from either of you. I’m glad you’re happy.”

“Thank you. But I really wish you could learn not to dwell on the past, Tony. There’s so much you’re missing out on. None of us are getting any younger, Antonio. You should settle down, start a family of your own. Don’t you have any dreams you want to fulfill?”

Did he? Did he have anything left to fulfill now that she had walked out of his life and into his brother’s arms? Not really. In fact, when he had left the hospital all those years ago he had almost taken his own life. Liz had come back to town and attempted to win his affection, but much to his disappointment she became involved with Julian Crane and had a son Theresa’s. Who would have guessed that Liz was older than she let on?

After that it had been Beth and try as he might Luis’ ex-girlfriend was just not the one for him. It hadn’t surprised him that Luis had gone back to Sheridan even after being engaged to Beth Wallace. He couldn’t blame his brother. Why have McDonald’s when you could eat at the Seascape?

After that it was a year at sea, attempting to see if the waters could calm him down again. He used to love the ocean, listening to the waves lapping against the ship and shore. It had been time to think, to fish, to dream. But even that hadn’t worked. The water had reminded him of Sheridan’s crystal blue eyes and when storms arose he remembered saving her from death and bringing her home to be with him.

He returned to Harmony bitter and lonely, looking for the one thing that would take away the pain of not having Sheridan in his life. Many nights were spent at bars at first just for the alcohol and the companionship of other lonely hearts. Then it was for the waitress, a pretty little redhead that sang like an angel and was a tiger in bed. Her name had been Cheyenne, though she liked being called Anne, and she had fallen in love with Tony. That was her fatal mistake. He quickly learned that she would not take Sheridan’s place and broke things off. She left town and he had missed her but it was nothing like the ache in his chest when he thought of Sheridan, so he moved on.

Now he did have another woman and he was finding himself falling in love with her, but he was too busy living in the past. No, he didn’t have dreams and he never would again.

“Antonio?” Sheridan tried again. “Come on, Tony, there has to be something you want. Something you dream about.”

“Yea,” he replied, handing her back little Martin. “You. I never told you, Sheridan, and I had no intention of telling you, but all I do is think about you,” he grumbled, just inches from her face. “Dreams? You want to know about dreams? I dream about having children with you! Having a life with you! But you know what, that’s my brother’s place and damn it I’m jealous of him sometimes. Every day, every moment I think of you, Sheridan, because you have my heart and don’t even know it. You’re the girl I can’t get over and that’s why I can’t move on,” he walked over to the window, looking at the snowfall. “Never.”

The doorbell rang and Antonio walked over to the door, opening it and smiling at the person he saw there. He let her in, taking her jacked and kissed her cheek gently. He wasn’t over Sheridan, he never really would be, but this woman was helping to ease the pain.

“Hello, Gwen,” he gave her a hug. “I’m glad you could make it. I don’t think dinner’s ready yet, can I get you a drink?”

“No thanks, I had some coffee before coming over,” she smiled at him. “Thank you for inviting me. I know I’ve cause a lot of trouble with Ethan and Theresa, but I’m over that now.”

He smiled, looking over her shoulder at Sheridan and Luis, who were now snuggling again. He sighed. “I wish I could say the same, Gwen.”

“I know, but we’re working on that,” she turned his head to look into her eyes. “Antonio, you have to let them go. Sheridan and Luis have a family now, darling, and you’re wasting your time if you think she’s even going to look at you as a lover again. Come on, what do you say we get out of this house and away from the memories? Hm? I think we deserve to be alone tonight.”

“I like that idea, I really do, but it would hurt my mother. Besides,” he put his arm around her. “No time like the present to face the demons of the past.”

She smiled and they joined his family in the living room.

Never had a dream come true without Sheridan and in his mind never would it be. For the rest of his life the best part of him would be with Sheridan Lopez-Fitzgerald…

His heart…