| Dear Santa: Harmony's Christmas Letters |
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*Dear Santa*
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Once a year, Santa Clause finds himself the most written man in the world. He receives millions of letters in hundreds of languages from children who want to tell St. Nick himself just what they are looking for under their Christmas tree. Christmas of 2002 was of course no exception, but he found himself with an unusual stack from a town he knew was, of course, anything but usual. He had only received letters from this town once before, about twenty years earlier, but he knew that the people there had lives worse than soap characters. With a heavy sigh, Santa tore into the envelopes and decided to get it over with…
Mr. S. Claus
Mr. A. Crane To Whom It May Concern: The prior Christmas I, Alistair Crane, did not send a wish list. Normally, I would not care as I could buy and sell you. However, this year, I, A. Crane, am in dire need of a new set of wall televisions, some Cuban cigars and a good plan to ruin my daughter’s life. Since I am in no mood to shop, or plot for that matter, I delegate the tedious chore to you and your elves. Please have them here no later than December 25, 2002 or I will be forced to take legal action.
Sincerely,
Dear Santa, I have never written you before because my father did not believe in such foolishness. Crane children did not associate themselves with mythical figures. This year, however, I face a terrible problem. My fiancé, Antonio, does not know that I am in love with his brother, Luis. I truly wish with all my heart to marry Luis and not Antonio. The crisis is this, though: Antonio is deathly ill and my telling him of my romance with Luis would most likely cause his head to implode (or explode) and that would be a bloody mess. So my only desire this Christmas is for Antonio to be healed before our wedding so I can have Luis. By the way, I wouldn’t mind if Antonio should become worse as long as it isn’t my fault that it happened.
Thanks,
To Mr. S. Claus, This Christmas I am in need of a new brandy snifter (I broke mine throwing it at my ex-wife Ivy), some state of the art costumes (for my games with the buxom Rebecca) and a divorce from my very sweet wife Theresa Lopez-Fitzgerald. Ho, ho, ho! (My Becks puts the ho in ho-ly)
From,
Santa, No time to write. Sam just drove by and I must follow him. Please send me one Sam Bennett in nothing but a bow for Christmas so I can show him he doesn’t love Grace.
Appreciatively,
Mr. Santa, I haven’t written since 1975 but I’m in need of your help. I have chosen to marry Gwen Hotchkiss because she is pregnant with my child, but I love Theresa Lopez-Fitzgerald. I’m also having a serious problem finding a job. Please let me get a new occupation and finally stay strong in my decision to be faithful to Gwen. Oh, I wouldn’t mind that fire truck I saw at Toys R Us! That thing is really neat!
Thank you,
Dear Santa Claus, I would let my mom write this but I am not that stupid, even if I am only five months old. For Christmas, I want a new mother. She dresses me in the lamest clothes (have you seen the Pilgrim costume?) and she is completely obsessed with this guy Ethan (who isn’t too bright.) Let me be adopted, please? I beg you!
Your adorable new followed, PS –a shorter name would be so nice too!
Dear Santa, I can’t believe it’s Christmas again. I’m writing you, as always, for a great Christmas wish –that Ethan realizes he loves me and only me. I am the woman he is meant to be with, the one that he loves with his entire heart. Sometimes, he gets confused… (At this point Santa begins skimming and realizes that this diatribe goes on for pages and pages.) I wish to be his wife this Christmas for the sake of my son, our son, Ethan Martin. I’ll leave the cookies in the living room beside the glass of milk.
Love always,
Dear Santa, It has been a long time since we’ve spoken –about the time you married her! I wouldn’t write, but I have these two dolls that are pure evil. I miss my Timmy and really want to be alone to remember him. For Christmas, not that I celebrate it mind you, I would like you to get rid of Connie and Cecil –give them to Frankenstein or something!
Your former lover, (Mind you, Santa had to hide this letter from Mrs. Claus!)
Santa Baby, Can I just tell you how much I love that deep, animalistic laugh you have? Purrrrrrrr! You are such a stud –a real turn on…Mmm…I will have to make Julian use that suit sometime soon! Anyway, Santa honey, my Pookie is married to another woman, the howhite that she is! But, Santa darling, I want him back! I want to be his wife. Please give him to me for Christmas! Enclosed is my picture –hurry down the chimney. I’m waiting.
Take me, I’m yours, (Santa not only hid this, but he had to destroy the photo for it caused a lack of appetite)
Dear Santa, Since we are getting married, we thought we would spare you the extra letter and write our Christmas wishes all at once. Charity says the only wish she has is to have her memory return because she has everything she needs just by becoming my wife. I had to wait for her to stop looking to tell you my wish though. I’m having a bit of a problem. Kay, Charity’s cousin, is having such a hard time lately and I really care about her feelings. I don’t want her to be hurt, but I adore Charity and only Charity. (At this point, Santa realizes that this man writing the letter must be related to Theresa because his explanation is 4 pages long and full of really sappy sentiments about Charity.) In summary, I would like Kay to find happiness with a man that truly loves her, just like I found happiness with Charity.
Thank you, PS –Charity says that you are more than welcome to attend our wedding on Christmas Eve if you aren’t too busy delivering gifts to the children of the world.
Santa, I want Julian’s head on a silver platter and that’s it. TC Russell
Dear Santa, Lovely seeing you at the home last year when Bethy was taking that tour. I really don’t have much to ask for this year since my daughter takes such wonderful care of me (sarcasm intended there big fella.) All I want for Christmas is to see my Beth suffer without the love of the local hunk, Luis. He’s far too good for her and really belongs with Sheridan. Give Sheridan to Luis and let Bethy have the dead man walking. Oh, I also need diapers and I would love a blueberry cobbler. The ones in those TV dinners are really good.
Merry Christmas,
Dear Santa, I don’t feel much like celebrating Christmas this year because the woman I love is engaged to my brother. I know I wrote you a long, sickeningly sweet letter last year so I’ll spare you the details of my feelings for Sheridan. However, I can’t stand to see her with my brother. For Christmas, more than anything in this world I wish to have Sheridan as my bride again and for us to start the family that we planned to have before she disappeared a year ago.
Thank you for any help you can provide,
Dear Santa, One word: Luis. I can do the rest myself. Beth Wallace
Santa, I don’t actually want to ask you for anything this Christmas because I found my real mother. Now that my dad has found her, I’m sure we’ll be a family again soon. So thank you for answering my last Christmas wish: to find my mom. John Hastings
Dear Santa, As a dying man I have but one wish: that my beautiful fiancée Sheridan is able to go on without the number one man in the world. I would hate if Sheridan had to suffer at all without me in her life, especially since she is such a beautiful, perfect angel… (Santa had to stop eating again as he realized another Lopez-Fitzgerald was going to start getting sappy. He added a Christmas wish of his own to their lists, that the men and women stopped sputtering romantic crap and started acting like humans. He threw out the next eight pages of Antonio’s letter because they were all about his love for Sheridan.) I would ask for you to cure me but I know that isn’t possible. Please just give Sheridan a good future without me in it. Antonio Lopez-Fitzgerald
Dearest Santa, My entire family is being ruined and I haven’t the time to write a long note about it. All I ask for Christmas is the following: Theresa: She needs to let go of Ethan and focus on her child. Luis: That he understand Sheridan must marry Antonio so he won’t die Antonio: That he is cured Myself: just that my Martin is safe and one day returns. My children are my main concern and I just want to see my Theresa and Antonio happy. Luis can fend for himself for a while so I’m not as worried about him. Thank you for your time, Pilar Lopez-Fitzgerald (At this point Santa had to wonder just how Luis ended up the relatively normal of the Lopez-Fitzgerald children considering his mother didn’t care and his siblings were sickening.)
Kay Bennett’s Wish List:
1. Jessica drops off the face of the planet; she’s getting annoying. (This was sent to Santa without a letter attached, but he got the picture.)
Homie Santa, Yo! Sup! For Christmas I want Whitney to finally tell her sister that we’re dating. Chad Harris
Whomever gets this letter, Since I do not believe that Santa is a real person, but Jessica, my dearest, believes I should write this letter to you and request something for Christmas. I do not celebrate Christmas, therefore I will not ask for anything as the probability of my getting it without showing this letter to someone else before sending it would be impossible. Reese Durkee
Santa, Just let Charity be happy and let my parents get back together. I don’t want anything for myself this year because I have plenty of love. Jessica Bennett (Santa was particularly fond of the giving, selflessness of Jessica and put it in his way too nice pile.)
St. Nick, For Christmas I would like you to give my son John and my niece Charity anything they want. I also want you to help me mend my marriage to Sam, even if I am really married to David. Finally, I want you to cure Kay of whatever evilness has possessed her. She’s being a real bitch lately and she needs to be straightened out. I’ll leave out that tomato soup cake you loved so much last year. Grace Bennett (Attached to the bottom was this fast note) Santa, I’ll destroy the tomato soup cake if you destroy the recipe. Please bring her a cookbook for Christmas. Sam
Santa, I want a man, any man, I’m not partial. Well, I wouldn’t mind having my sister’s husband, TC. He’s hot. Oh and Antonio isn’t bad but he’s dying. So pretty much any man under my tree would be really nice. A Sexually Deprived Babe, Liz PS –I also want Eve’s life to be ruined when her true past comes out
Simone’s Post Card: See the man on the front? He’s not as hot as my Chad. For Christmas, I want my sister to pay for stealing my man. Simone Russell (Written in another handwriting beneath it) I saw that Simone! I didn’t steal her man. For Christmas, I need a new tennis racket, a pair of shoes and for my nitwit sister to give up on MY Chad. Whitney Russell
Santa, All I want for Christmas…is my two front teeth. Oh, ha ha. That was a joke! Guess you’ve heard that one before. What I want for Christmas is my sister Liz to leave town, for my family to never learn the truth and for Julian Crane to stop following me before my husband kills him! Dr. Eve Russell
Dear Santa, Now that I have Ethan’s love, all I need is for my baby to be healthy. Merry Christmas. Gwen Hotchkiss (Santa knew he couldn’t promise her this, but he was proud of her and put her on his very nice list to get something great this Christmas. He didn’t realize she should have gotten a lobotomy so she’d be as smart as Ethan.)
I just want Grace, I’ve really fallen in love with her and I can’t bear to be without her. David Hastings PS –Don’t tell my son that he isn’t really her son. It would break his heart.
Santa tossed the entire stack of letters into the fireplace and watched them burn. One thing about Harmony is that they sent him enough letters that he stayed warm most of the night. He couldn’t believe some of those people and their wishes. Smirking, he thought of Tabby. He wouldn’t mind answering her letter again. Jotting down a note about what gifts he was definitely going to bring to people in Harmony, Santa headed up to bed. Next year he was going to stamp “return to sender” on these letters and spare himself the headache. Climbing into bed Santa went to sleep, ignoring the last letter on his desk: Dear Santa, This year I would like to requests gifts for some other people rather than myself. I thought that you would be the perfect man to go to for some of these, unless you know the address for the Wizard of Oz, so here I go... For Alistair I would like a conscience, because he obviously doesn't have one. He seems to loathe his daughter. For Sheridan, a brain; she has this problem believing the world centers around her problems lately. I think if she could actually think she'd realize this on her own. As for Julian, I think it would be best to get him some contraceptives; it would make it easier for him to lie about consummating his marriages. Ivy needs a good therapist, both for her legs and her head. Ethan should get a clue since people keep saying he needs one. For Gwen, a real man because the one she's settling for just doesn't cut it. For Rebecca, some turtlenecks, I'm really tired of seeing her chest even in the winter. For Theresa, a reality check, her last one bounced. For Pilar, well she's a harder one to shop for you see. She has this deluded concept that all of her children are saints. But since she is the head maid to her daughter, perhaps a new feather duster is in order. For Luis, a spine because this man really needs to tell Sheridan and Beth to hit the road and find someone else. (By the way, Santa, I wouldn't mind if you decided to give me Luis for Christmas). For Antonio, a nice coffin; he'll be needing it soon. Miguel could really use some new lines because he's getting way too sappy. Charity has been in the dark so long, she could probably use a new lamp. Grace needs a recipe for something OTHER than tomato soup cake (and some parenting classes.) Sam could use some better detective skills, perhaps a set of "Sherlock Homes" novels would suffice. Kay, well what can I get her? I think I feel sorry enough to request a new wedding gown for her and maybe the knowledge that Miguel really doesn't love her. Jessica seems to have it all, but she might benefit most from a man of her own. John needs a haircut, desperately. David really needs his head screwed on more tightly. He thinks he's in love with Grace. Reese needs the latest in hand held technology. For Tabby I request that she have all the martimmy's she can drink this year. It's been a rough one and she could use it. Connie and Cecil just need to be blown up, Santa. So if you wouldn't mind torching these dolls it would be more for me than them. Eve actually need to go to medical school, her bubble gum degree expires soon. TC just needs an anger management class. Whitney needs to learn that she's neither good at Tennis nor singing; perhaps a new hobby for her..like sewing. Chad needs to find his parents, Lord knows it's about time. Simone needs to get off her Chad obsession; do you have an elf you can spare? Beth is a personality disorder waiting to happen. Perhaps some prozac for her stocking. And finally Mrs. Wallace needs a lifetime supply of diapers for her new home, Sweet Serenity. I think that's it, dear Santa. I hope you come through for me. The Passions fans of the world need your help. Don't let us down!
Love Always, |