The Legend of Etwas (Part 2)
[MOPE AND DORON JOIN YOUR PARTY. THE TRAVELERS HEAD EASTWARD TOWARD TREOU, ACROSS THE DESERT OF PEYE. RANDOM BATTLES, YAY! EVENTUALLY, THEY HEAR A SOUND AND RUN TO CHECK IT OUT.]
Jsi: My gosh! What the heck is that?
(He points to a large sand snake reared up out of the ground.)
Nome: Whoa, man! It’s a sand snake! This is, like, whoa…
Goyd: Nome! Shut up and TELL US SOMETHING RELEVENT!
Mope: I could tell you! It’s a sand snake.
Doron: Dirtilius Slitherius.
Mope: While it’s called a snake, it is actually more closely related to a worm.
Doron: The large scales covering its body are very sharp edged, if you rub it the wrong way…
(Mope and Doron both shudder.)
Goyd: Well thank you Mister and Miss Know-it-all.
Mope and Doron: You’re welcome!
(The sand snake roars and turns to look at the party. Jsi freaks out and hides behind Mope and Doron. Goyd jumps behind her brother, who is trying valiantly to summon a spell with his stave held in front of him rather mystically. Mope and Doron jump to the ground in the duck and cover routine. Jsi runs and hides behind Goyd behind Nome.)
Nome: Whoa…dude, could everyone just chill out? I’ve got it under control.
(Nome raises his stave and a flash of red light strikes the sand snake in the head. The sand snake tunnels back into the ground.)
Mope: Oooh…
Doron: Aaah…
Nome: Toldja I had it under control. Now get away from me, man!
(Nome steps aside and Goyd and Jsi fall.)
Goyd: Get offa me!
Jsi: Well, sorry!
(They scramble to their feet.)
Nome: …Dude…
Goyd: What? “Dude” what?
Jsi: What?
Goyd: Dude. It’s kinda like “Uh oh” when used in such a context.
Jsi: Thank you little Miss—
Nome: Dude! The sand snake isn’t dead, guys!
Jsi: What?! You said you had it under control!
Nome: Dude, gimme a break! Gothic or not, I’m just an elf, man!
(The sand snake rises up beneath them and a battle ensues.)
[BOSS FIGHT WITH SAND SNAKE. THEY KILL IT, IT SINKS INTO THE SAND AND DIES.]
Nome: There. See, man? Toldja I had it under control.
(The others all glare at him.)
Nome: What?
Voice: Hooray!
(A little half-bat girl in a red dress and pink bow runs out and looks down at the sand snake’s corpse.)
Bat: Yay! It’s dead! We don’t hafta worry ’bout it anymore!
Jsi: Who are you?
(The girl looks at him. Her eyes move over the other members of the party one by one.)
Bat: Wow…There’s a lot of you.
(She runs up to Nome and stares up at him. He looks down at her rather puzzledly.)
Bat: Hey, you’re a Gothic elf, aren’t you? Wow! And a mage, right? Right? That staff thingy has weird symbols on it.
Nome: (He holds his stave close to his chest rather protectively.) Yeah, man. And it’s a stave, not a staff.
Bat: Why is it called a stave?
Nome: Those weird symbols on it.
Bat: Oh.
(She runs over to Goyd, who stares down at her emotionlessly.)
Bat: And you’re a Gothic elf, too!
Goyd: Indeed.
Bat: Cool!
(She runs over to Mope and Doron who smile politely at her.)
Bat: And you two are weird lookin’.
Both: HEY!
(She runs over to Jsi.)
Bat: Hey, you’re a half-breed too, aren’t ya? You’re an otter, right?
Jsi: Uh huh. And you’re a bat. Huzzah, now we all know each other.
Bat: Wait, I know what you are, but not who you are!
Jsi: Jsi! Traveler, thief, whatever you will!
Goyd: My name’s Goyd.
Nome: And I’m desperately in need of a new introductory phrase.
Goyd: He’s my brother Nome.
Mope: Mope!
Doron: Doron!
Both: The stupid twin people that provide comedy relief and contribute little to the plot!
Bat: Really…Wow…Hi! My name is Perlin! Thanks for killing that snake thing. It was getting really dangerous and Momma would never let me leave the house.
Goyd: You live here in the desert?
Perlin: (Nod) Yup! The Peye Desert!
Goyd: I think we should take you home to your parents.
Perlin: I’m sure my Momma’d be glad to meet you all.
[MORE TRAVELING THROUGH THE DESERT FIGHTING THINGS. THEY ARRIVE AT PERLIN’S HOME, AND ARE GREETED AT THE DOOR BY A BAT.]
Perlin: Hi daddy!
(The bat says something in the bat tongue and Perlin smiles. She opens the door and leads the party in the house. Her father follows them and sits in the rafters above the doorway. A human woman is sitting at the table in the kitchen, drinking tea.)
Perlin: Hi, Momma!
Perlin’s mother: Hello, Perlin. Who are these folks?
Perlin: They killed the sand snake! That’s Mope and Doron and Goyd and Jsi…Jsi’s a half-breed too!
Perlin’s mother: I can see that, dear. Maybe you should let them introduce themselves.
Nome: Yeah, man. You, like, forgot to introduce me, dude!
Perlin: (Sticks her tongue out at him) Dude, you’re, like, weird, man.
(Nome looks quite insulted.)
Perlin’s mother: Now Perlin, be nice. (She looks at Nome.) Are you from Laca?
Nome: Yeah, man. I was raised there, anyway. How’d ya know?
Perlin’s mother: The colorful accent is a dead giveaway. I’m sorry you had to live there.
Nome: Everyone says that!
Mope: Wow, you’re from Laca?
Doron: Wow…I’m really sorry for you.
Nome: Augh! Will you people like just leave it alone?! Dude, you’re all, like, totally ruining this heroic type meeting thing!
(Perlin’s mother starts laughing.)
Nome: Fine, I’m leaving. Dude, see if I care.
Perlin’s mother: Oh, wait, come back! I’m sorry!
Goyd: Ah, you all had to go and hurt his feelings.
Perlin’s mother: Oh…I feel so bad about bringing it up now…
Goyd: He’ll be fine after he sulks out there for a while. Anyway, we did defeat the sand snake. It was no trouble really.
Perlin’s mother: Well thank you, in any case. It was getting very bad. We couldn’t even go outside for fear of being killed.
Perlin: Yeah! You shoulda seen ’em, Momma! They were…WOW!
Perlin’s mother: I can’t express my gratitude to you in words. But I do have something that I could give you.
(She takes a pendant out of her pocket and hands it to Goyd.)
Goyd: Oh, no, I couldn’t!
Jsi: (Reaches over her and snags it out of her hand.) Wow! This is shiny and expensive looking! I’ll bet I could get over fifty kasha for it!
Perlin’s mother: (laughs) You’re a thief at heart, aren’t you? I wouldn’t sell that. It’s got certain magical properties that might come in quite handy on your journey.
Jsi: Hm?
Perlin’s mother: It’s obvious that you’re all journeying somewhere. Mind telling me about it?
Jsi: We’re on a quest for vengeance.
Goyd: We must exact our revenge upon the Niftiness.
Perlin’s mother: Ph33r. Well, in that case, it’s a good thing I gave you that particular trinket.
Jsi: What’s it do?
Perlin’s mother: According to what I was told, it’s a warding spell. It will protect you from danger. And on top of that, the impression on the back is said to be a key into the Niftiness’ castle.
Jsi: YES! MY GOSH! THIS IS SO NIFTY!
Goyd: Whatever, Jsi.
Jsi: (Hugs Perlin’s mother) Thank you so much, Momma! I’ll love you forever for this!
Perlin’s mother: (sweatdrops) You’re…quite welcome…I think…
Perlin: Hey, she’s my momma!
Jsi: Let’s go, people! We need to get to Treou as fast as we can! Thanks again, Momma!
Perlin’s mother: Please, my name isn’t—
(Jsi shoves Goyd toward the door and grins back at Perlin’s mother. Mope and Doron follow them out the door.)
Perlin’s mother: What an odd fellow.
Perlin: Momma, can I go with them?
Perlin’s mother: Go upstairs, you know you’re not ready to adventure yet.
Perlin: …
Perlin’s mother: Perlin.
Perlin: Yes Momma…
(Perlin runs upstairs with a devious look on her face.)
[CUT TO OUTSIDE THE HOUSE. NOME IS SITTING BY THE DOOR LOOKING QUITE ANNOYED WITH LIFE IN GENERAL.]
Nome: Just cuz I was raised in Laca doesn’t make me, like, stupid or anything! Dude, it just means I’ve got a stupid way of talking. Really, man. That’s all. And it’s not like Laca was that bad. I mean, they like had the most awesome burgers. I don’t know why everyone’s always gotta be all sorry for Lacans…It’s not like other places where people like leave for adventure and never come back. Cuz, man, there’s like, monsters and stuff. They got tons of adventure there. I think people should, like, move there if they need to go out on adventurous quests and stuff. And don’t people know that the best mages are all like Lacans? Seriously…It’s like…(sighs) I really need to stop talking to myself, man…
(He sees something in the distance.)
Nome: Whoa…Dude, is that…?
(He looks shocked.)
Nome: Dude! It is! I can’t believe it! What the heck’s it doin’ here in the Peye Desert?
(He gets up and runs off. Minutes later, Jsi and crew exit Perlin’s house.)
Goyd: Wait a minute…Where’s Nome?
Jsi: What? Nome’s gone?
Goyd: Knowing him, he should be right here by the door talking to himself! But he’s gone!
Mope: Hey, look over there!
Doron: Is that him?
Goyd: What?
Mope: Shape!
Doron: In the distance!
Both: Growing ever smaller!
Goyd: Completely black, flowing trench coat…Stave? IT IS NOME!
Jsi: Uh….After him quick!…?
Goyd: Yes! Very quick! You have no idea how fast he can run!
[RUN AFTER NOME WITH RANDOM BATTLES IN THE DESERT SCENE TYPE THINGY. HE FINALLY DISAPPEARS FROM SIGHT AND THEY GIVE UP THE CHASE, EXHAUSTED.]
Goyd: Drat…we’ve lost him! I wish he didn’t run so darn fast…
Jsi: What’s that?
Mope: It looks like a small segment of the Nifty Military.
Doron: The army under the Niftiness.
Mope: Very worthy of ph33r.
Doron: If I do say so myself.
Mope: You didn’t. I did.
Doron: It’s a figure of speech, you doron.
Mope: You mean moron.
Doron: Oh, right, sorry.
Goyd: I still don’t know which is which.
Jsi: Me neither.
(The leader of the army spots the group standing there.)
Commander: What ho! More of them!
Jsi: We’ve been spotted!
Goyd: well duh, we’re not even hiding!
Commander: Get them, men!
[THEY ARE ATTACKED BY SEVERAL MEMBERS OF THE ARMY GROUP. THEY DEFEAT THEM, AND THE COMMANDER ORDERS HIS MEN TO BACK OFF.]
Commander: Well, well…You fight very well…Men, bring him out!
(Four soldiers step to the front. Two are attempting to hold on to Nome, who is struggling very fiercely against them. The third is holding Nome’s stave, and the fourth is standing behind him and off to the side.)
Goyd: Nome!
Nome: Goyd? (He stops struggling.) What are you doing here?
Goyd: You ran off alone and got yourself CAPTURED?! YOU ARE SUCH AN IDIOT, NOME!
Nome: Hey! I didn’t know they had—
Commander: Shut him up!
(The fourth soldier reaches over Nome’s head and covers his mouth to keep him quiet. Nome resumes struggling against the soldiers’ hold.)
Commander: I see he’s a friend of yours, is he? Very well…Let’s try out Niftiness’ newest toy on him, then.
Goyd: NO!!!! WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO TO MY BROTHER?!
(The commander takes a small metal pendant out of his pocket. He approaches Nome, who stops struggling and cowers under the commander’s shadow. The commander turns and faces the group, holding the pendant for all to see.)
Commander: This is it. This is Nifty ness’s newest achievement. This pendant allows for the brainwashing and mind control of the wearer. When I pin this on your friend here, he’ll be directly under my control.
Goyd: No!!! Nome!!!
(Goyd tries to rush the commander, but the soldier holding Nome’s stave holds her back. The Commander leans over and pins the pendant to Nome’s shirt. Nome stops struggling and looks blankly at the commander.)
Commander: Release him and give him his weapon.
(The three soldiers release Nome. He stands tall and glares in the general direction of Jsi and crew. The other soldier hands Nome his stave. Goyd shrinks back and leans against Jsi.)
Commander: Attack.
[BOSS FIGHT AGAINST NOME. HE DEFEATS THEM. THE COMMANDER ORDERS HIS TROOP TO MOVE ON ACROSS THE DESERT, BRINGING NOME WITH THEM.]
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