Part I

The scene opens in Cid's house. All are gathered in the living room

Cloud: Hey! Cid? How come we can only pick up 3 channels here?!

Cid: Ain't no need for more than three! Channel 1 is Shinra TV. Channel 2 is the Home Shopping Network, and Channel 3 is the one Dukes of Hazzard comes on!

Cloud: Oh... But, you know, the basic cable is only 10 gil more than you pay for these three channels. And you get 99 channels with that...

Cid: Hey! Shut the hell up! I don't go to your house and tell you what to buy!

Cloud: Actually, you do. You always tell me my house looks like, "The Friggen' Fag Flea Market".... and that I need more manly curtains.

Cid: Well, damn man!! Pink and blue?! What kinda man has pink and blue curtains?!

Cloud: Me....

Cid: Exactly. You obviously aren't a REAL man!

Cloud: Hey!! I strike fear into the souls of all! I'm real scary!!

Cid: The only thing SCARY about you is your INTENSE HOMOSEXUALITY!!

Barret: Hey! Shu'up foo's! We ain't got time fo' dis nonsense!

Tifa: What do you mean?

Barret: We gonna raid da' Shinra 'gain!

Red XIII: Why are we doing that again? We just did it last week.

Barret: Yeah, but I heard dat Hojo be workin' on some kinda new funky-ass weapon! We got's ta check it out, yo!

Vincent: Hojo... am I about to commit... another sin...?

Cid: What the #%$&^!? You're not gonna start that crap again, are you?!

Barret: Neva' be mindin' dat! Les' go!

Meanwhile, at Shinra, on the 70th Floor...

Rufus: Okay, here's the deal. We are going to give you 5 Million gil if you can just tell us where it is, okay?

Reeve: Yeah. You won't get a better deal than that.

Heidegger: Feel privileged!! The president rarely makes an offer such as this to your kind! GYA HA HA!

?????: ......................

Rufus: So that's how it is, hm? Then, I'm afraid we have no alternative. Reno! Rude! Toss this ingrate off of the balcony. He has failed us utterly.

Reno & Rude: Yes sir!

Rufus: *shaking his head* I truly regret this, old friend...

Reno and Rude carry a shady figure out onto the balcony and toss it over... as the light hits the figure, it is revealed to be none other than Rufus' lifelong friend... Pooky-Wookums, the stuffed Mako Bear

Reeve: I'm sorry, sir.

Heidegger: Gya....

Rufus: It's quite all right. He always annoyed me anyhow. Foolish Mako Bear.... I warned him...

AVALANCHE suddenly burst into the room

Barret: Okay! Where is it?!

Rufus: We already tossed it over the balcony. You're too late! Heh, heh...

Cid: &%$*^#*@!!! Damn!! Wait, what are we talking about?

Reeve: Pooky-Wookums, the stuffed Mako Bear, of course.

Vincent: P-Pooky-Wookums?! Lucrecia's favorite childhood toy! No! I have committed yet another sin! Damn it all! ...If I could only have saved her bear... but I could not. That is my sin... More nightmares shall come to--

Cid: Goddammit!! Shut the hell up!! Barret, get on with this!

Barret: Awright!

Rufus: Say, how can you guys repeatedly break through our high-tech security measures on almost a weekly basis?

Barret: Ain't nonna that be matterin'! We gonna have to mess some Shinra shit up now! Where's Hojo?!

Rufus: Hojo? Why, he's on vacation in Costa Del Sol. Why do you ask?

Cloud: We heard he's created a new Shinra weapon! We must stop him!

Rufus: Oh? Then in that case... he's not in Costa Del Sol. He's in... Reeve? Make up some lie about where Hojo is. I'm still too emotionally scarred from what happened to Pooky-Wookums...

Vincent: Why...? God, why..?

Cid: SHUT THE @#*$^@# UP!!

Reeve: Er... Hojo is at the Gold Saucer. He has entered the Jam Contest. Yeah. That's it. Jam Contest.

Cloud: Right! To Gold Saucer! Let's gallop our happy little round asses on over yonder, shall we? *giggle*

Cid: Aw, shit. I'm not even gonna comment on that one.

Later, after a rigorous ass-beating by Cid, Cloud and the rest reach Gold Saucer

Cait Sith: Oh! I know people here!

Tifa: Yes, we know, Cait Sith.

Cait Sith: Well, I'm so fricken' happy for you!

Barret: Otay! Here's da deal! We gonna find Hojo an' kick his scrawny ass 'til he be handin' ova' dat new weapon! Got it?!

Cid: Hell yeah! Don't get simpler than that!

Cloud: Righty-O!!

Cid: What the #%$&^?! *gives Cloud a swift kick in the ass*

Cloud: OW!! Argh!

Cid: Dammit! Stop embarrassin' us with that kinda fruity talkin'!

Red XIII: I have a jam I wish to enter in the Jam contest. I'll enter it and look for Hojo at the same time, then.

Cloud: Oh! I have a jam I want to enter, as well! I'll join you!

Cid: Hey! I got the winnin' jam recipe in my pocket! I'm comin' too!

Barret: Awright! You guys head ova to da Jam Booth, the rest of ya' split up and look fo' dat Hojo! Move it!

Everyone scatters. Now, on to the Jam contest...

Red XIII: *stands proudly beside his jar of beautiful, bright red jam*

Cloud: *stands gleefully behind his jar of dark yellow jam*

Cid: *stands confidently behind his jar of pitch black jam*

Rufus: *steps between Cloud and Cid, setting his own jar of jam on the table* Oh. You all are here too?

Cid: Damn straight! And that jar of happy purple shit you call jam ain't got a chance against MY recipe!

Cloud: No way! My "Cloud's Mama's Secret Jam" will surely win!

Red XIII: Ah, but my jam is made from special berries only found in Cosmo Canyon! The sweetest on the planet. I'm a shoe-in!

Rufus: I'm afraid I will win. Why? I am the President, and I have a gun. *raises his shotgun, aiming it across the room at the judges, who wave the 1st Place ribbon at Rufus, grinning nervously*

Cid: Ain't no arguin' with that. Well, I got second for sure!

Cloud: No way!

Red XIII: Shh! Here come the judges!

After the tasting...

Moderator: We have a winner! One judge will speak on behalf of all the judges, saying why he liked, or disliked the particular jam!

Judge: I voted for President Rufus' jam because I have a wife and three children to support! The Red creature came in second, because his jam was like a Mako Cannon of flavor, exploding in my mouth!

Scarlet: Please!! Call it, Sister Ray!!

Judge: ...Anyway, the spikey-headed fellow came in third, because his jam was truly old-fashioned, and impressed all of us! As for the Captain, well... after Judge #1 tasted his jam and died instantly... we decided to just... give him last place then and there.

Cid: @*%#^$#$!@!!!!!

Cloud: What the heck was IN that jam?

Cid: Just the best stuff on the Planet! Used chewin' tobbacco, tar, nicotine, and some dried tobbacco leaves! How could it possibly lose!?

Red XIII: *gulp* You... used that jam on my sandwich earlier... didn't you?

Cid: Hell yeah!! It was good, right?!

Red XIII: *doesn't respond; simply leans forward, and hacks up his lunch all over Rufus' shoes*

Rufus: Oh my... I guess this means we won't become friends.

Cid: Damn straight! Let's get outta here!

The three AVALANCHE members flee before Rufus can get a beat on them. All of them soon meet up in the Gold Saucer main entrance soon after

Barret: I done looked all ova' da' place! Ain't no Hojo here!

Tifa: I thought I saw him in Ghost Square, but it was just a corpse.

Cait Sith: An honest mistake. That there Hojo feller looks a lot like a corpse, ya' know?

Sephiroth: *suddenly appears out of nowhere*


Sephiroth: Excuse me, but I heard someone mention Hojo. Perhaps I can help you guys.

Barret: Why you wanna help us?

Sephiroth: Well, you see, Hojo borrowed my last clean pair of socks... I must get them back.

Cid: Why the #*&$# do you need a pair of socks?!

Sephiroth: They are my lucky socks, you see...

Tifa: Lucky socks?

Sephiroth: Yes. I wore them up until our final encounter in the Crater, at which point you'd notice I had no feet to put socks on, hence, this is why I was defeated.

Barret: Damn! So, all we gotta do is get dem socks, and you'll be powerless!!

Sephiroth: Now just hold on... You can't take my socks. I won't allow it!

Cloud: He's gonna kill us!! *ducks and covers*

Sephiroth: *readies his sword, but falls over in the process* Argh!!

Cid: Hey! He really IS unlucky without those socks!!

Barret: Dat settles it! We goin' back to Shinra and find out where Hojo be! Not only can we stop 'im from completin' his new weapon, but we can stop Sephiroth at da' same time!

Cloud: S-stop Sephiroth...? Yes!! To the Shinra Building!!

Cid: Good work, kid! Yer finally gettin' the hang of it! Let's go!!

Sephiroth: Can... someone help me up...?

At the Shinra Building, floor 70...

Rufus: ...And so, I won the Jam Contest.

Reeve: Impressive, sir.

Heidegger: How did you fend off the Super Plastic-Coated Aliens again?

Rufus: Well, it was simple....

AVALANCHE once again bursts in

Reeve: Oh, here they are.

Heidegger: GYA HA!! GUARDS! Seize them!

Guards: *bump into each other and pass out*

Rufus: How absurd. Heidegger, why do you not seize them?

Heidegger: Because! I'm... too important?

Rufus: Fair enough. Well, what do you guys want? If you came for my ribbon, you may as well forget it.

Barret: We wanna know where Hojo be! He weren't at the Gold Saucer!

Cloud: Yeah! We need his weapon plans and his socks!

Reeve: His socks? That's a new one...

Cid: Shut up! You freakin' fruit!

Cait Sith: Hey!

Cid: Oh... oops. Sorry about that.

Rufus: Reeve. Lie. Pronto. I have more gloating to dispense.

Reeve: Hojo is... uh... playing Hide and Seek with you.

Vincent: The twisted bastard...

Tifa: So, where is he hiding?!

Reeve: Um... in the Turtle's Paradise pub! Yeah!

Cid: Aw shit... that means we gotta go to....

Cloud: Wutai!! Let's beat feet!

Cid: You are seriously pissing me off with that shit....

The gang travels to Wutai... Meanwhile, in the Turtle's Paradise Pub....

Yuffie: ...So I was, like, oh my GAWD, I can't beleive you think I wanna touch THAT thing!

Mukki: What did you do, bubby?

Yuffie: I charged an extra 25 gil AND a command materia!

Mukki: *dull look*

What do you know? AVALANCHE bursts in!

Barret: Yo-yo-yo!! Where be Hojo?!

Cid: Yeah! Wait 'til I get my hands on that gangly-looking, assdancing, titty pirate!

Cloud: Titty pirate...? HAR HAR HAR!! *Snort* HAR HAR... HEYUK *SnortSnort* HEEHHEEHEEEHEEEHEEE!!!

Tifa: *simply kicks the living shit out of Cloud*

Cid: Thanks. I woulda killed him if you hadn't done that.

Red XIII: May I suggest we proceed with the current ongoing events in question?

Yuffie: GAWD!! I was having talkie-poo time with my FRIEND! What do YOU guys want?!

Barret: We wanna know where Hojo be at! We done heard he be hidin' his scrawny white ass here!

Yuffie: OH!! Him! He's... uh... OVER THERE!! *points in some random location, hopping up and down*

AVALANCHE: *all turn to look. Seeing nothing, they turn back to find Yuffie gone and Sephiroth standing in her place*

Cloud: SEPHIROTH!! ARGH!!! HUNGHUE!! *falls over*

Vincent: What are you doing here...?

Sephiroth: I heard Hojo was here, but it looks like we all got lied to. I can't beleive you guys fell for that, by the way.

Cid: Fell for what?!

Sephiroth: Check your materia stock.

Tifa: Hey!! My materia is gone!!

Cait Sith: Mine too!! Even that fake one I made out of my own crap!!

Barret: I ain't got no Materia on me either!! Damn!!!!

Red XIII: This is most unfortunate. Could she not choose a more inopportune time to do this to us?

Vincent: ...More nightmares will come to--

Cid: OH, PUT A SOCK IN IT!! Does ANYONE have any goddamn materia left?!

Cloud: Uh... I do! It's... uh... HP<-->MP Materia..... *equips it*

Barret: No!! Don't do dat, foo'!!!

Cloud: Why not...?

Sephiroth: *decks Cloud across the jaw with the hilt of Masamune*

Cloud: *dies*


Sephiroth: Now, if you'll excuse me, I must ask those Shinra people once again where Hojo is. Good day. *poof*

Red XIII: *looks over Clouds dead body* Someone got a phoenix down?

Mukki: Hey, bubby! Let me handle it....

Cid: Damn man, I'm leaving before I have to see this...

[Fade Out]

Narrator: WHAT will become of Cloud?! Will the gang be able to retrieve their precious materia from Yuffie yet again?! Will Sephiroth find his socks?! Will anyone in AVALANCHE remember that Rufus told them Hojo was in Costa Del Sol or will they continue to believe the lies?! Will Hojo destroy all with his new weapon?! Find out next time in the continuing saga.............

"What the #%$&^?!"

To be continued.....

What the #%$&^?!, part 2
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