It's baaaaaaack! Yup, run for cover! Only thing I can really
say about this part is the end totally did *not* end up the way
I thought it would...Relena almost seems cool, even! ^_^
Duct Tape GW
Mission Seven: Never Say Duo[1]
by Ebonhawk
The room was quiet now that the braided menace had finally moved on. When he'd been informed that Trowa was elsewhere in the expansive manse, Duo had frowned thoughtfully in the way they all knew spelled trouble then had flounced out into the halls after chirping a quick, "See ya later!"
Shaking his head, the blond pilot sighed lightly and walked past the taped up Lightning Count, heading for the rows upon rows of heavily laden bookshelves. A smirk lit his face as he considered the title...such a misnomer! "Weren't so lightning-like tonight, were you?" Quatre nudged at one of the now still shoulders. The man had originally been flopping about like a fish out of water but had quickly exhausted himself it appeared.
"So, would you like me to read to you? Seems a waste to have all these books around and not do something with them." Without receiving any acknowledgment, Quatre began studying the titles. "Hm. What have we here? 'Two-hundred-thirty-one Ways to Take Over the World and Still Be Popular'? 'Seducing the Enemy - Chinese Edition'? Oh! Here's one that sounds interesting! 'The Big Book of X-rated Faerie Tales'." He pulled it off the shelf and skipped back to the comfy chair in which he had been sitting. Opening the book, the blond boy flipped to the beginning of the first story.
"Once upon a time," Quatre read to the duct tape bound Zechs, "there was a beautiful young girl...no, can't have that." He paused to flip ahead to another story. "Ah ha! Once upon a time, in a land far away, there was a handsome young prince..."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Over in Treize's office...
Trowa entered the room, suave as ever in his black tuxedo, pausing briefly to smooth the lapels and brush some nonexistent lint from a shoulder. Opposite the door, behind the huge, lacquered desk, he saw the back of a large, swivel chair, the leather upholstery dark and supple. He raised one brow above a green eye and was about to speak when the chair swung violently around.
A pair of booted feet landed themselves with a loud "thunk" on the edge of the desk, the legs crossing at the ankles. 003 followed those slim legs up over a slender, black-clad body until he came across a horribly smirking face. To have his feet touch on the desk, the person was slumped so far down in the chair that his rear was barely touching the seat. One slim hand flipped the end of a long, chestnut braid indolently in the air and a pair of wide, near violet eyes glimmered with evil intent.
"So...we meet again, Mr. Barton. Tell me, Trowa, is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they...taste funny?" Duo purred darkly before tumbling from of his precarious position in Treize's chair, landing hard on the floor with a weak "ow..."
Even with all of his self-control, Trowa's normal, emotionless mask barely survived this. "As graceful as ever, I see, Maxwell," he managed to say without any hint of laughter marring his cool voice or expression.
Duo got to his feet, groaning as joints popped and cracked with the movement. He flopped again into the chair, cheerfully giving Trowa the finger in the process. "Can I get you anything? Coffee, maybe?"
"In the Maxwell House? I think not, sir."
"Oh, come now, Mr. Barton. It *is* good to the last drop, you know."[2] Duo shoved to his feet and swaggered across the room until he stood before the coffee pot. He poured himself a large mug and then dumped the entire contents of the sugar bowl in it. "Say, Trowa, I've been curious about something lately. If you were going to shoot a mime, would you have to use a silencer?"
Trowa blinked, ignored the question, and grimaced in disgust as he watched Duo chug down his sugary concoction. It wasn't going to be a pretty picture once it hit the boy's bloodstream. "Where is Khushrenada?" he asked, hoping to divert Duo's attention from the roll of grey tape he was slowly maneuvering into a better position.
"I dunno. The room was empty when I got here, man." Duo shrugged and bounced back to the chair. A little more carefully this time, the pilot slouched and threw his feet back on the desk.
Trowa grunted and frowned. He couldn't follow Duo around the desk without giving his motives away! Damn. Keeping the duct tape hidden behind him, Trowa lifted one hand to his bow tie and fiddled with it a bit. He could wait until Duo was in a more favorable position before attacking.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Out in the middle of the driveway...
Heero dumped the costume-clad Wufei on the pavement, not even paying enough attention to him to see the humorous way the Godzilla costume bounced and jiggled from the impact of the landing. He did hear Wufei's duct tape muffled growls of protest, however.
"Be quiet, Chang. We don't want anyone to know we're here, remember?"
"Mmmmmph!"
"Yeah, well...you'll get your chance. Now, just stay here while I go and find the 'tubbie murdering idiot." Heero headed off for the front door without any further words, leaving the duct taped and unwillingly costumed Wufei behind in the middle of the drive.
With a stoic sigh, Wufei settled himself for a long wait and tried his best not to imagine what would happen if a vehicle happened to come careening toward the mansion...and hit a Godzilla-shaped speedbump.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
In the bushes nearby...
"Would you get off me?!"
"But Treize-sama, I must have you! I cannot believe you would ever throw yourself at another one of those gundam pilots if you'd just give me a chance!"
"Lady Une, control yourself!"
Treize stumbled out of the rhododendrons, blossoms of yellow, red, magenta, and purple clinging to his badly wisping hair and the shredded remains of his uniform. He found himself struggling to gain any forward movement. Frowning, he looked down to find a disheveled Une wrapped around one leg with the obvious intention of never letting go.
The tall, ginger-haired man growled and tried to shake her off.
It didn't work.
"Please, Treize-sama! Let me show you I'm better than all of those boys put together! Don't make me have to hurt you to do it!" Her grip tightened painfully as she begged and pleaded.
Treize gave up on the gentle attempt at removing the woman from his person and instead began to manually pry her limbs away from him. He had her held at arm's length when he saw it.
Godzilla? What was Godzilla doing in the driveway? Didn't he have an appointment with the buildings in downtown Tokyo or something?
"We'll finish our discussion later, Une," he informed the flailing woman before tossing her aside. Barely listening to the whimpered, "Treize..." as he headed toward Godzilla, he became aware of a series of muffled growls and snarls. As he watched, the monster began to rock from side to side.
Curiouser and curiouser!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Back on the driveway...
Wufei grunted with exertion, struggling to get himself off his back. He felt like a damn turtle immobilized as he was in this stupid costume! Why was Duo such a weirdo? Only a big weirdo would think this thing was cool! With one last shift of his weight, he felt the costume roll past the breaking point and was prepared to go face down when a hand paused the motion.
"Grrrrrrmmmmphrrrr!!!" he cursed through the tape.
"My! What a ferocious beast you are!" exclaimed a smooth and masculine voice he recalled quite clearly - along with what had occurred last night, what little he could remember anyway. He cheeks burned hot enough that he wouldn't have been surprised to see flames rising at any moment. At least he hadn't gotten a nosebleed!
Oops. Shouldn't have thought of that.
"Wufei?" Treize asked inquisitively. "What are you doing in this silly costume, dragon? And how did you end up with a nosebleed?"
"Mmmmrrrrmmmph," the Chinese boy answered as Treize used a kerchief to dab away the red blood dribbling across his cheek.
"Ah, it was the boy with the braid did this? Was he the one that used the tape on you as well?"
"Grrrrmmmph!"
"Then we will just have to do something about him, won't we?" Treize smirked as he began searching out the closure along the back of the costume.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
In a darkened hall...
Heero prowled the shadowy corridor, finding nothing that told him where Duo might be hiding. He had to admit it - the idiot was good. Not many would've been vicious enough to have destroyed his 'tubbies right in front of his very eyes and then fast enough to have gotten away. And to put an innocent like Wufei in danger of being pummeled! (Heero didn't stop to think that Wufei couldn't really be all that innocent considering he'd been teaching him a wide variety of new...techniques...just a few hours ago.)
Still, none of this really mattered. Duo was first and foremost going to pay for his crimes against 'tubbie-kind!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A short way behind Heero in the hall...
Noin blinked and pondered the slinking, shadowed figure ahead of her. No doubt who that was! (The spandex was a dead give away...) "Heero," she breathed, a devious grin spreading slowly over his face. This was going to be a prize that would prove her skill to 003!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Back to Heero...
Reaching the end of the hall where it was T'd with another hall, Heero poked his head around the corner then shifted his eyes to gaze down the other way. No one.
The soft footsteps behind him came a little closer... Okay, so they were right behind him. He'd been keeping tabs on them for minute or so now, but was still unsure of who was following him. It wasn't Duo, that much was certain! The idiot would never have remained silent for so long. Who then? He pondered the shadow that fell over him.
Quatre? Nah...too tall to be him.
Trowa? Possibly.
R-R-R-R-R-R-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-P-P-P-P-P-P-P!!!
Maybe it was stupid of me to focus on who it is rather than what they were planning on doing to me? Heero asked himself ruefully as he was once again bound head to toe in the dreaded grey tape. Ah well, can't perfect all the time.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Once again in the office...
Duo lazily reached out and pressed a button he noticed. It was just a little thing located on the underside of the lip of the desk, but did it ever have some power! Heavy metal armatures shot out from the floor and walls, honing in on Trowa, catching the Heavyarms pilot and holding him immobile in the middle of the room. One of Duo's brows shot upward when a roll of duct tape hit the floor with a thud.
Rising to his feet, the self-proclaimed Shinigami walked around the desk and picked up the roll. The end had been flopping loose but the fall had twisted it uselessly on itself. Duo knew that it was a sign that the stuff had nearly been put into play. "So, Mr. Barton," he began, drawing closer to the captive Trowa, "you were going to tape me, weren't you?"
Unsurprisingly, Trowa's green eyes turned icy and no answer was forthcoming.
"Who sent you, 003? Was it one of them?! One of those crazy scientists? Or were you dumb enough to try it on your own?" Duo demanded, enjoying the part of bad guy immensely. Shoving the thick roll of tape under Trowa's chin and forcing his head up, Duo continued, "You figured out that OZ is just a front for me, didn't you? That I was using it and this silly war to cover up my real intentions. I've been a busy boy, making my plans to take over the world and all of space. So busy that I've let Treize get a little out of hand, true, but I'll take care of him soon enough."
He watched as Trowa blinked, his face crinkling in confusion. "Duo, what are you talking about?"
Although he'd expected that reaction, Duo's contrived villainous persona crumbled, a hand slapped to his forehead in exasperation. "Duh! Don't you know what happens when the bad guy's got the good guy captured? This is when I gloat about how good I am, tell you the entirety of my plan for world domination, and then stupidly leave the room while some hokey robotic thingamajig almost kills you! And here I thought *you* were the James Bond fan, fer cryin' out loud!"
"..." Trowa remained silent. No, he hadn't forgotten the basic plot devices of the superspy film genre. He was simply trying to process that *Duo* had decided to play the role of archvillain. This was going to totally change things! He needed to inform Noin of the changes to the game.
"May I continue being evil now?" Duo asked, moving the tape away from Trowa's face and allowing him to drop his chin back into a more normal position. Taking the rapid blinking as an affirmative, Duo proceeded with his villain's monologue, very much to Trowa's dismay. (Hey, c'mon! We all know Duo talks enough as it is!) "So you know," Duo drawled slowly, pulling forth a plastic bag he'd stashed in he top drawer of the desk, "your gummi bears are being well cared for."
The braided bad guy chuckled darkly as Trowa registered what was in the bag now swinging in front of his face. As Duo reached in for one of the gummi bears, Trowa snapped, "You wouldn't!"
Duo ran the yellow candy over his lips, licked it, and grinned. "I wouldn't? But, Trowa, I already have!" He placed the bear against his lips again then quickly sucked it into his mouth. "Mmm...that's yummy."
Though it was only hinted at in the green eyes, Duo could tell Trowa was furious. "Let the bears go. They did nothing to you."
Pretending to ponder, it wasn't long before Duo turned what he knew was his cutest pout at Trowa and said, "No." He laughed as he popped an entire handful of the bears in his mouth, listening to the truly animalistic growling coming from his captive.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Back in the den...
Noin lugged her prize into the room and dropped him on the floor beside Zechs. She frowned thoughtfully and looked over at Quatre, who had paused in his reading.
"Have you seen Trowa?"
The little blond pilot shook his head.
"Hm. I wanted to show him what I caught."
Quatre set aside his book of faerie tales and made his way over to survey Noin's work. He first looked over the smoothly wrapped tape, then he recognized the fiery sapphire eyes that glared up at him. "Oh, it's Heero! You did a much better than the job I did on him. You must have had more time than I did. Where on Earth did you find him, though?"
The tape-wrapped Wing pilot twitched.
"I found him in the halls, sneaking around like he belonged here. His mind must have been on something else because I was able to jump him from behind!" Noin exclaimed.
"Must be an off day," Quatre said. "Say, would you like to sit and listen to stories?"
Noin considered briefly then replied, "Nah. I've still gotta catch Lady Une!"
Quatre waved as she zipped out the door again then returned to the couch and the book. "Shall I start from the beginning again for you, Heero?" he asked the restless taped boy. "No? I'm sure Zechs wouldn't mind."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Outside... Treize smiled down on the duct taped Wufei, having finally figured out how to remove the silly Godzilla costume. "I've seen this sort of thing done before, you know," he commented idly as he slowly pulled at the tape slapped across the Chinese boy's mouth.
"Yes, and *he's* the one that got *me*!" Wufei snarled at his rescuer, struggling to sit up. The tape refused to give in to him.
"Do you really have reason to hold such a terrible grievance against him? I mean, besides this."
Wufei pulled a face, the unspoken words "well, duh!" hanging in the air. He sat expectantly on the ground, waiting for Treize to get back to peeling the tape away from his abused skin. When it didn't happen, he growled, "Would you finish getting the damn tape off me?"
He became concerned as he watched Treize go thoughtful. This could not be good. His concern grew when a slow smile worked its way across the General's lips, accompanied by a dangerous glint in the narrow blue eyes.
"Treize?"
Except for the normal sounds of tamed nature, silence reigned.
"Treize?!" Wufei roared, hoping the increase in volume would bring the older man out of his head.
Wufei was disappointed (okay, maybe not *disappointed*) when Treize smacked the duct tape back over his mouth then proceeded to sling him over one broad and oh so strong shoulder. Wiggling a bit, Wufei situated himself and let Treize carry him wherever he felt the need. It wasn't long before Wufei realized he was as close to purring as humanly possible.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A little later in that same spot outside...
"Why in the world would Heero come here?" Relena wondered aloud. She was alone, knowing that she couldn't risk exposing her fanclub to the very real promise of violence that just seemed to follow her favorite gundam pilot like a lost puppy! Wait, get rid of the puppy and insert Duo. There, that sounded more like the truth of things.
She crept up to the front door of the massive residence, praying no one saw her, then politely knocked.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Back in the halls...
"And it was forever she would rue the day she forgot to watch her ass!" was all Lady Une heard - her eyes opening wide - before she was tackled from behind to land most painfully on the floor.
R-R-R-R-R-R-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P!!!
Noin stood poised above her second solo capture of the night, an evil half-smirk nicely complimenting the devilish set of her shoulders. "So, Lady, shall we visit the den so you can join in on story time?" she grinned.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
At the door...
Duo opened the heavy door, irritated by the insistent knocking. He nearly choked on the green gummi bear he'd just stuffed in his mouth when he got a look at who was on the other side. "Relena? What the hell are *you* doing here?"
The girl blinked at him tritely, obviously surprised for a moment to find Duo answering the door, and said, "Take me to Heero. I know you know where he is."
It was now Duo's turn to blink. "Uh, listen, Relena, I don't know what you think, but I'm not Heero's keeper...not that I would have any problem with that position...or any *other* position..." His words drifted off as his mind took a direct route into the gutter.
"Duo?"
The boy shook himself out of his dirty thoughts and focused on Relena once more.
"Are you going to take me to Heero or not?"
Having no doubt that Heero would have chased him all the way here, Duo considered Relena's demand. If he found Heero but had Relena as a shield...
"Of course I am! Just follow me and we'll find him together." He spun quickly on his heels and grimaced as his braid clobbered Relena upside the head. (Ah man! Now he was going to have to wash it to get rid of the Relena-cooties!)
"OW!"
"Sorry," he apologized, not in the least meaning it. After all, it was only Relena, so who cared? Suddenly, he thought better of treating his shield badly. He held out the plastic bag in his hands and offered, "Want a gummi bear?"
The blonde girl smiled a little and dug into the baggie for a red candy.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Back in the office...
Trowa dropped backwards to the floor just as the needle of the liquid-filled syringe would have pierced his... He shuddered. It was something he'd rather not think about. Originally, the needle had been aimed for his arm, but Duo had decided to reposition it in a way that was "more fun". He drew his knees tightly together and vowed to strangle Duo the first chance he got. A shot of novocain to the groin would not be helpful to the newly acquired physical side of his relationship with his favorite feisty little blond!
Not at all sure how he'd squirmed loose of the thick metal cuffs clamped tight around his upper arms, thighs, and ankles with not a moment to spare, Trowa gazed on the evil contraption. Because of it and Duo, his tux was ruined - the sleeves torn off and the pants shredded well beyond repair. Certainly there was a bit of skin left behind, too!
Shoving back to his feet, Trowa shed the jacked and grabbed up a pair of scissors sitting on the desk. He carefully trimmed away the tattered cloth around his legs - thankfully, he didn't have to go too high. He was, after all, modest in comparison to the other pilots. A quick internal debate ruled that he'd keep the shirt on, sleeveless as it now was, along with the tie. He looked rather silly, Trowa supposed, but it was the best he could do with what was left.
Yes, Duo was going to pay and his gummi bears would be free.
A rummage through Treize's drawers (*leer* Now who among us could resist a chance at that?) produced three pristine rolls of the highly prized yet incredibly low-tech weapon known as duct tape...and a shiny new toy. One that would make lovely noises when put into use. One that would cause immediate pain instead of delayed agony like the tape! Grabbing up the box of ammunition that went with it, Trowa slipped into revenge mode.
Oh yes, Duo was going to pay.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
In the halls, at the main staircase...
"Oh come on! It's fun!" Duo exclaimed as he hopped on the banister. He scooted along the rail until gravity took hold and he was whisked quickly to the bottom of the stairs. Looking back up, he was greeted with the sight of Relena staring at him as if he were crazy. Well, he had to admit that most of the time that wasn't too far off. "Just once!" he cajoled, "Just try it, that's all I'm asking!" Then, waving the bag of chewy candy, "I'll give you another gummi bear!"
"All right, but you have to promise you'll give me one!" the girl called back.
"I promise! Just slide down. I'll catch you!"
Duo stood, arms crossed over his chest as Relena took a seat and cautiously moved closer to the sloping portion of the railing. He grinned as she started slipping down, her voice raised in a high-pitched squeal. Then, he heard a "ping!" from somewhere behind him and suddenly found himself clutching at one butt cheek in pain. Locating the source of this, Duo yanked it from his flesh with a grunt and brought it up to see what it was.
A staple? From a staple gun?!
"So, Trowa, you got loose?" he said, slowly spinning around to face his adversary. Trowa stood on the far side of the large room, staple gun held at the ready. Neither boy made a move for a long moment, not even when Relena completed her slide down the rail and landed on the floor in a tangle of limbs, her skirt tossed up over her head. Duo waved the baggie of gummi bears again, this time at Trowa, taking a minute to look over what remained of Trowa's fine clothing. "Did you come for these, you Chipendale's reject?"
Trowa's eyes narrowed and he shot off a few more staples, most of which was not able to avoid. Tearing the things from his body, Duo snarled, "That's it, man! You've totally cheesed me off now!"
He threw himself at Trowa, the silvery staple gun flying across the room to land at Relena's feet (now that she was standing again). The two boys grappled and rolled across the hard, white marble floor, once more paying no attention to the girl.
*ping!ping!ping!ping!ping!*
Duo leapt to his feet, yelping and pulling away from Trowa as his rear was peppered with staples. Trowa had curled into a ball to avoid getting pegged anywhere vital by the assault.
"Drop the tape and the box of staples!" Relena ordered. She waited for Trowa to obey, then added, "Now gently kick them over here to me."
Trowa hesitated.
*ping!ping!ping!ping!ping!*
"I said *now*!"
Trowa gave her a nervous little nod and sent the requested items skidding over the floor, both him and Duo watching Relena as she bent to retrieve the tape and box. She was good, not once taking her eyes or the staple gun off them.
"Now," she began, "both of you, face each other."
They did as told, not wanting another barrage of staples to come their way.
"Stand real close and strip each other."
It wasn't long before the boys stood glaring at each other in their skivvies.
"All of it, boys."
Off went the underwear.
"Now I want you to wrap your arms around each other and hold on real tight." Duo would have sworn Relena was getting off on her power trip. He gulped and did as told when a couple of staples whizzed past his back. When Trowa's arms held him convulsively close, Duo took second to think that this, in other - less Relena-spoiled - circumstances, might not be so bad... He snuggled a little closer, getting a good feel of Trowa against him. Not bad at all! A tiny grin started tugging at his lips when he heard the sound he hated most.
R-R-R-R-R-R-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-P-P-P-P-P-P-P-P!!!
Swinging a despairing face on Relena, Duo mournfully howled, "Not you too!"
Still, as the tape was rapidly wrapped around him, Duo figured it could have been worse. After all, he could very easily have been taped without a nekkid Trowa to wiggle against...
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Back in the den...
Quatre and Noin looked up when the door opened, expecting to see Trowa with a taped Treize being dragged behind him. Instead they were treated to Relena with a staple gun shoved in her skirt, empty duct tape rolls around her wrists, a bag of gummi bears in one hand, and a large bundle being slowly pulled into the room by the other.
"Relena?" Quatre began, "What are you doing here?"
She glanced up at Quatre and Noin and smiled kindly. "Well, I was originally here for Heero, but I seem to have been sidetracked by these two." With a grunt of effort, she hauled her bundle inside to lay beside the two already in the middle of the room. She kicked it when it wiggled. "Stop that, Duo, you little pervert! Wait until you're in private at least!"
There were some muffled noises and more wiggling until Relena kicked the mass of tape again. "I said stop it!" Quatre watched in amazement as Relena drew the staple gun and fired off a few shots.
"What happened to being a pacifist?"
Relena looked at him and grinned, popping a few gummi bears into her mouth. "This is more fun."
"Who's in there with Duo?" Noin ventured.
Relena's face went blank. "Um, bang-boy or whatever his name is."
"Trowa?" Quatre offered.
"Yeah! That's it."
All three turned as more people stumbled in the door.
"Treize? Wufei?!" Quatre was shocked. Both newcomers were rather disheveled in appearance and seemed very much pleased with themselves.
Treize blinked as he quickly viewed the unexpected contents of the room. "Oh my, young dragon, we seem to have blundered upon a private affair!" He paused to let Wufei nod in agreement before turning to Quatre and asking, "Mind if we join the party?"
"I guess not," the young blond pilot answered.
"So, what are we gonna do with them all now?" Noin wondered aloud, nudging the Zechs-bundle with a toe.
"I say we strip them all naked and make them dance for their money!" Quatre happily suggested, clapping his hands at his own cleverness. He quickly became aware of the fact that everyone was staring at him. "What?"
END
Next - Mission Eight: Stupid G-boy Tricks
Footnotes:
[1] - A play on the title of the Bond flick "Never Say Die"
^^
[2] - Recall, if you will, the Maxwell House Coffee advertisement
campaign... *lol*