My (online) Journal
Video provided by VideoCodes4U
I know you'll all think I'm crazy, but bare with me a moment. I'm always trying to imagine ways to be unique, so when this thought jumped into my head, it lingered for a while like a bad dream. I knew I had to get it out of my system or go insane with thoughts and ideas...so I grasped the bold and did what few people I know would do. Journey with me into the dark corners of my mind and heart!
1/23/05
Too many lazy Sundays!
2:50 P.M.
Last day of the weekend and I really don't feel like doing anything, so I declare it a lazy day. I think I have a lot of those, which is evident by my lack of a social life. Oh well, I should cherish this day while it lasts because this next week is going to be ultimate torture. Monday is the NICL vocal conference, which is finally being held at our school, something I never thought would happen while I was still there...for those of you playing the home game, NICL, or Northern Iowa Cedar League Vocal Conference, is where a group of schools in the surrounding conference get together for one day and do nothing but learn the most redundant of songs and perform a concert later that night. Oh joy. I blame Zaccaro.
Anywho, on to Tuesday...basketball games...yay. Ok, most people ask WHY I choose to be a MANAGER for the GUYS verses a PLAYER and there's a perfectly good explanation: I'd rather watch guys run around shirtless, all sweaty and what-not, I have a love for the game and I love watching it, girl sports aren't as entertaining, and I have bad knees. I guess the game won't be too bad...there are a couple good-looking guys on JV. And it is confirmed, I'm going to hell because I'm turning into a pedophile. Great.
Wednesday will fly by with a breeze, a partial day off considering nothing horrible happens. Being an occasional optimist, I'm expecting the best. Then Thursday will roll around and I'll have...god knows what. Thursdays are always good because you can smile and say "ONE MORE DAY!". Hopefully our JV team continues to put forth effort and we can win one, especially with the lack of a game on Thursday. I'm not saying we're bad...'cause we're not. On the contrary, there's a multitude of talent there, but something's missing. I'm sure our guys will find it before the end. I've got faith in some of my boys.
And then Friday. Normally I would be rejoicing in its harmonious sound, but unfortunately I'm dreading the day. For Health class we get to visit the maternity ward and watch a video of a woman giving birth. Not my idea of a party. We've already had to sit through some awful things concerning parenting and that's enough birth control for me...I don't want this experience to all together ruin it! I fear I'll never have kids after Mrs. Holms is done with me!
And that's my up and coming week in a nutshell...sounds great! Oh well, about today...so far not so good. Last night was a blast! Tessa, Amy, and I decided to have a little rendezvous so we hung out, talked, sang sappy country love songs (don't let it make you think less of me...I'm still the spunky and indifferent Tara you once knew), went to "The Phantom of the Opera", and stayed at Amy's grandpa's. It was great. So today I'm home coming down from my high. I decided to update my page and do some reconstruction because it needs it. Not that anyone visits it...but hey, I know it's bad and that's all that matters. I sat through the re-show of "Project Runway" that I missed from Wednesday, my new favorite show. I guess it's because I'm into designing clothes because I love to create my own fashion anyway. I'm just glad Kevin made it one more round...he's my favorite! Wow...I am lame. No wonder I spend more time working on my site than actually talking to people. Oh well...I'll vow to work on that-Tomorrow. Right now it's kinda late and I need rest!
1/24/05
The Devil's Advocate
9:23 P.M.
BAH! I HATE NICL! MY BUTT HURTS! "Professor" Z is going to hear about my suffering tomorrow if we have to sing. Oh well, I guess I don't care any more as long as he's not crabby! Oh, but I still hated NICL. Our director was a queen from the south, yet apparently a genius in Z's eyes. I miss Weston Noble. He is the greatest music director ever. He directed the Dorian festival...at Luther in Decorah...but that's a whole 'nother story.
Anyway, back to NICL. My week is just starting out GREAT! (Note: Sarcasm is frequent here, so try to keep up with me.) I sat by what must have been the GREATEST singer there and she helped me stay SO in tune and she wasn't loud at ALL! Ok, so I sit down in our first rehearsal for Sopranos only...and she sits next to me. When we actually start singing, I cursed God for not making me deaf. Then the chick started laughing at all of my jokes and trying to include herself in Rat's and my conversation. Now being the POLITE person that I am, I was NICE to her...heh...then finally it ended and I ran out of there like my ass was on fire. The on to mass rehearsal and everything's great! Then that damned queen from the south made us move around and guess who HAPPENED to RUN to sit RIGHT next to ME!?!?! Miss can't sing. And the ENTIRE time she's trying to get me to talk to her or something and I'm just looking at her as if she had 3 heads. Apparently people just don't get the hint now days...for she wouldn't give up. Then Ben kept turning around and winking and waving...being the normal Ben that I love so much and the girl took much notice to the small fact. To the naive observer, Ben and I look like a flirting couple...that, of course, didn't stop her from telling me how cute he was. Poor Ben.
After a break or two, she sits next to me AGAIN. I try to shrug it off, but can't help notice she's glaring at someone and rolling her eyes. When I look to see who, I notice Greg looking over. Now, Greg can be awkward and shy and...weird, but he's still a nice kid. So when she turned to me and said: "That freak won't stop staring at me! Look at that freak!" I was a bit upset. What I wanted to say was: "Who are YOU to talk? If I were you, I'd be happy with what I got. AND I would realize how much my singing sucks and how vain and pathetic I really was and I'd go home and KILL MYSELF!" But what came out was: "Uh...his name is Greg and he's my friend. Watch yourself and your mouth." Never-the-less, she didn't sit by me during the concert!
Ah, the joy of sitting in a cushioned chair...I'll never take advantage of the fact again.
1/25/05
Basketball and Hate Crimes
10:46 P.M.
*sigh* Another day, another horrible chain of events! So the day started of...interesting. I tried a new style with jeans, a dress, and t-shirt'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">t-shirt'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">t-shirt'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">t-shirt'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">t-shirt and I thought it was a big hit. I dunno, maybe I was wrong. Oh well. I also found out today that Carrie Spree is going with Brody to winter formal. I keep telling myself it's for the best and that I only want to be friends with him anyway, but still finding it kinda hard to get over him. No matter what happens, he's still a great guy and I wish him the best of luck.
Anywho, so it finally rolled around to the basketball games! The JV game begins (we played NU high, by the way, only the most feared team in the district because they KILL any and everything in their paths!) and it turns out to be WAY exciting! First we're trailing by two, then we tie, then we're ahead, then we fall behind quite a bit, then we're tied again, then ahead, then tied, then behind by two pretty much the entire game! Unfortunately, NU makes a 3-point shot and there's VERY little time left on the clock...we get a shot in and then we're only behind by two. NU takes the ball down, shoots, it teeters, then FALLS OUT and we get the rebound. Frantic with only...30 some seconds left in the game, we push it down court and shoot it a couple times. The entire time we're down there, the coach is screaming time out, which is ignored by the refs, and by then we've managed to pop off 2 really bad shots. So we finally get the time-out with like, 10 seconds left and we're one behind. NU, being pretty confident in their defense, act like they've already won the game. So the ball's thrown in to Greg, the greatest shot on the team, and he heads to the arch, pulls it in by the free throw line, and chucks it up. The audience literally held their breath...and it swooshed! NU panics with barely 6 seconds left on the game and a dude air balls a 3-point shot. We win. Our guys run out there like we won a championship game! It was great for a first win. Hopefully that isn't our only one. Schipper didn't play much, which I could tell it pissed him off. He's a good kid, but just having an off night...apparently I wasn't the only one.
Our poor varsity found it a tough game to follow up. The refs were terrible and called like, 3 charges on us in less than a minute's time. At one point in the game, they called one on Kyle Everts...a kid barely big enough to leave a bruise if he ran into you. And every time the ball was knocked out of bounds, they gave it to NU. There was one play that a kid had the ball in his hands, ran out of bounds, fell on the ground, and the refs STILL gave it to them. Then during another time when we were playing defense, a kid was standing by himself in a corner, tripped on his own shoelace, and they called a foul. But yeah, it was pathetic. The guys lost 49-70...which was better than the score the first time we played them.
So then I go home. I'm happy yet sad...not a good mix. And my mom asks me if Neil Petersen got his car fixed. I don't know, I don't talk to the kid. So then she proceeds to tell me this story about how she was walking by the window and she saw two guys running around in the yard. She quick runs outside to see what's going on and the two guys run, or more like speed walk, from the side of our house and to a car. She saw as plain as day Cody Trask and Neil Petersen running to the car that Jesse Murrah was driving. They sped off and my mom went to investigate and found, I'm not joking, an orange construction cone sitting by our porch. So I investigated and found nothing odd. I'm not sure of the point, but I do know I will seek revenge and answers. I'm not sure why they hate me so much...but this was just immature.
So I guess I learned that my confidence in the JV guys paid off and that revenge is a fun thing to plan.
1/26/05
One Orange Cone My Ass
11:06 P.M.
Life...sucks...ass...I really didn't want to wake up this morning and almost slept in, but I eventually rolled out and sadly greeted the day. I've resorted myself to running around like a chicken with its head cut off, trying to get ready. So I get in my car and pull out of my driveway and start to head off to school. As I'm doing so, something orange catches my eye. Yeah...remember the orange cone we found? Apparently it wasn't the only one, for on my roof was 3 more just like it. You may be asking yourself questions like "What?" and "How'd they get it up there?" and "Why didn't they use eggs?" The answer is...I don't know either. For one...what? Who throws orange construction cones on someone's roof?!?! I DON'T EVEN TALK TO THE KIDS! And HOW DID THEY GET IT UP THERE? I don't know! Toss it? That would make some noise! They aren't light...it'd take a lot of muscle to toss it and one was standing up right...so don't ask me. And WHY THE HELL DIDN'T THEY THROW EGGS?!?!? What morons! Cones can be cleaned up and they're kinda funny, but eggs linger and smell and make a mess and make people want to cry...if you hate someone, you don't throw giant orange construction cones on a roof! So I floor it around the block, run inside, tell my mom, and then end up having to calm my parents down. AND I'M THE ONE WHO SHOULD BE OUT RAGED! ORANGE CONES?!?!? After telling the story about a BILLION times, I was fuming even more. So then J-Wood confronts Cody about it and he DENIES IT! His excuse? He was in Cedar Falls all night last night, he saw some OTHER guy with long hair driving around, and he likes me so why would he do that? Whatever. So J-Wood asks mama Trask and guess what...they weren't in Cedar Falls during the basketball game...hm...can we say Cody's a liar? Oh yes we can! So my mom calls Neil's and Cody's mom and they were OUTRAGED. So tomorrow Cody has to come over and take them down. I think I'm going to take pictures of it. Apparently he received a lot of crap out it at school from various people. They were all pissed because they had to listen to me whine all day when they'd rather have laughed with me. So ruining my day ruined theirs. They weren't thrilled. So I try to relax by watching my TV show "Project Runway", but that only upsets me more, for my favorite guy gets kicked off! NOO! NOT KEVIN! How come everything I love never wins? At least basketball practice was great...Michelle and I ran around the school laughing all night. During JV Schip took his shirt off...I was happy. I know the kid's just a freshman, but he is REALLY hot...I'm sad, it's ok. Cry for me.
1/27/05
Finally...a good day?
8:36 P.M.
I still say, Thursday's the greatest day of the week! It wasn't the best, but it was better. I was sad because of the whole "Project Runway" thing, but eventually cheered up with Amy and Tessa. Unfortunately Amy was having a bad day, but I made her smile. And yet 1st hour I was still kinda forlorn about my horrible week. Amy told me with out my laughter the world seems so mundane. I was flattered. And I made a great yearbook page in class, so I guess that was OK. 2nd hour was health and I got to work on my project on 2-3 year-olds. That was simply riveting. Then in Economy we took notes and Thomas sprung an open book pop quiz on us. I missed 3 out of 12 but I still did better than Nick Tjeerdsma, who's a genius so I felt better. Then I went to Advanced Comp and took another quiz over vocab. It was pretty easy so I finished early and did my summary.
At lunch nothing fun happened so I just went off to choir, where my day started looking up. I went in and sat down and Tyler W sat next to me. He's my favorite 'cause he's so funny and cute. We discovered that he's taller than Rachael. There were a few jokes and laughter exchanged with the group and I enjoyed it. Then we got to go to the gym and do stuff. Isaac and I played one-wall racquetball and I beat him. According to him we didn't play fair or keep score so there's no way of determining the winner (he says he won). On the shuffle board court next to the racquetball court, Shipper and Hubbard and another dude were playing shuffleboard so I was showing off... I don't think it worked, he seemed too into the game. Following choir was chemistry and I had a test. I thought it was easy but the smart kids around me kept asking questions so I thought I must've been missing something. It turns out I'm really good at Chemistry and was understanding it better than they were. I even came in 5 minutes late. I was happy. So I finished the day out with my 2 art periods and completed my photomontage project. I just have to cut it out.
After school I had play practice, which was a blast. The play's called "Fairy Tale Courtroom" and I'm pretty sure I got the part of Gretel. I'm only on for a few pages, but the part is good, so I'm not complaining! That's how most of the parts are anyway. I hope I get a cool Hansel and not Cody...who was being way nice to me today and apologized saying it was just a joke. I don't know what to believe anymore. Oh well, play's going to be fun and I'm so excited. I'll miss basketball and the chance to see Ship with out a shirt...still sad and still pathetic.
I am Gretel *curtsey*, yah.
1/28/05
ENOUGH PLACENTAS!
11:17 P.M.
That's it...I've seen enough vaginas to last me a lifetime! I don't think I ever want to have kids! After seeing the blood and the grunting and the cutting and the crying! BAH! At least my group made the entire experience hilarious! Rachael and I sat right behind Taylor, Ooms, AV, Brod, and Kyle Sharp and I don't think I cringed as much as laughed. One of the couples was demonstrating calming techniques with the husband rubbing the wife's back. So Ooms looks at AV, looks back forward, then starts rubbing AV's back...it was the funniest thing I've ever seen! The guys also dully noted the size of the new borns' testicles. And on the tour we got to role-play and Taylor was the mom, Brod the husband, Sharp the doctor, and Ooms the nurse...that was great.
For lunch we ate at Old Country Buffet...way fun. Tessa and I started an arm wrestling tournament in which Tessa annihilated all of her opponents until JWood stepped up. I thought Tessa's arm was going to snap! The lunch was good, but unfortunately the entire way home all of the guys were farting way huge. It was the worst!
The rest of the SCHOOL day was normal...but after school I had to go to Dike for a wedding reception. Ok, this is where my downfall began! At first it was fun to talk to a few people, but I had to drive back to Parkersburg for the game and wanted to get the family picture taken before 6...we were told it would be taken at 5. So we're waiting and by 6:15 my Uncle Todd still hasn't arrived. I'll give him some credit, he does have a toddler...but my aunt with SIX kids, (including 2 kids in middle school, 1 kid in elementary, 1 kid in preschool, 1 toddler, and 1 two month old) got there on time! A few minutes later we get a call, informing us that the toddler had pooped her pants and gotten it EVERYWHERE. My uncle had to bathe and redress her, which meant calling his wife at work and asking her what to dress her in for the picture. This child is always more color coordinated than our living room. So finally they get there at 6:30 and we start taking pictures...of the adults. I'm moderately panic stricken because I wanted to leave 35 minutes ago and I still had to change back into my school clothes'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">school clothes'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">school clothes'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">school clothes'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">school clothes. Fortunately the pictures fly by and I'm out of there by 6:40. I got to P-Burg at a record of 13 minutes by speeding at every opportune moment and taking the interstate, a couple miles out of the way in both directions...so I fly into the house, pee and change my shirt at the same time, grab my purse, fly out the door, and floor it to school. Now I'm not sure what my hurry was because the parking lot was FULL. As in no room...NONE...I drove around for 5 minutes looking for a space without luck. I tried to park next to Michelle but I was in the middle of the road, so I gave up, drove home, and RAN to the school. I mean full sprint the entire way. So when I get there, I tell Mr. Nickel, or however you spell his name, that I'm a boys manager. He doesn't believe me at first but then lets me in anyway. I find Michelle and discover it's only the 3rd quarter. We just go into the lunchroom and talked to the concession stand workers, Charis, Amanda, and Rachael...who had problems getting the shutter closed. I got pizza because I didn't get to eat at the reception and spilled SAUSAGE on my shirt! I was pissed. So I just ignore it and wait outside the gym for the boys game to start. While I'm out there, Thomas yells at this kid and kicks him out. This is what happened.
Thomas: You're out! Leave!
Kid: I have to get my dad!
Thomas: Get your family and then get out!
They disappear into the gym so we go and get a closer look. They both come storming out, his dad appologizing to Thomas. As the kid is leaving he yells.
Kid: I F*ing hate this school you f*ing a*hole
Mr. Morgan: Keep walking and don't stop!
So the kid stomps by me and pushes his way through a crowd of people waiting for the guys' game to start and fans from the girls game to leave so there are seats. He gets to the door, hits the register, and throws the door open. So Buseman runs to the door and goes outside and yells at him. The three people I fear being yelled at by most and the kids swears at them! He was dancing with death, let me tell you. God will smite him for calling Thomas an a-hole! hehe!
So after we lost the basketball game, I went with Tessa and we drove around in her dad's convertable. Then we went to my house and watched "The Day After Tomorrow" and talked about guys. It was way fun.
When my parents got home, neither of them were wasted surprisingly. But they went on to inform me how good the food was. I was upset.
1/29/05
Saturday at my Grandparents'
11:45 P.M.
I still didn't get to sleep in. I was up and ready for a basketball game by 8:40! I was quite annoyed when I got there and learned practically the whole team was gone at jazz band and jazz choir contest! So we played 6 quarters against DNH. One whole game and a half of a game. The first game was horrible...we lost! DIKE BEAT US! We even brought Jon Wangler down to JV! PA-THE-TIC! Oh well. My excuse? We were missing some of our best players. (Actually, only Hub and Schip...but Hub and Schip are among the best players.) Michelle took home a baby-think-it-over and it cried during the game. She paniced. I got home at 10:40 something and had to wait for Marissa and Shakira to get back from their middle school music contest so we could go to our grandma and grandpa Joslin's for brunch. My aunt 'Dea just got married so we had a lot of cake...and some really awesome hashbrown and ham and cheese and egg stuff. My aunt Vicki, her husband Brian, and her two boys came up from Missouri so we ended up staying there the whole day.
My grandpa, my grandma, my mom, Marissa, Vicki, and I played maneuver, which is a card game we play EVERY family get together...it's addicting. At some points in the game we were laughing so hard that we could barely play. Everyone was farting, minus my grandma and myself, and telling stories. And it was good. Then we had burgers for supper and a few of my aunts and uncles came back for dinner, watched Shallow Hal, then left again. So we played Maneuver again, this time Brian played instead of Marissa because she was sleeping. It was way funny. No one is more keen on toilet humor than my family. We established I had Cherokee Indians on both sides of my family. On my dad's side it is my great grandma and on my mom's side it was my great, great, great grandma. So my new Indian name is Dances with Loosers and Cheats at Cards because I was so tired I layed a 2 on a 4 instead of a 3...it went unnoticed for almost a round. My grandma fixed a seam rip that we found on my winter formal...or excuse me...Valentine's Dance dress after we bought it. I was afraid of going at first because I didn't want to be too dressed up, but I discovered that the dress is way awesome. It'll be fine. Tessa and I are going together if we don't have dates...so really it's just a we're going together.
Joke: Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 8 9. HAHA!
1/31/05
Monday...madness?
11:13 P.M.
Ok, so Monday wasn't anything out of the extraordinary. Just a JV basketball game! Those are always way fun. But during the day I had to keep myself entertained...which I did a good job of. The morning was awfully uneventful, like usual. But thankfully I can space off so fast that I don't even realize I'm doing it. I like traveling into my own little world, it's fun there. In choir we got to watch NAPOLEON DYNAMITE! Rachael didn't laugh very much and Ben said it was the dumbest movie he's ever seen, but I enjoyed myself! I got to sit by TW and Issac and they laughed, so at least a few of my friends still have a sense of humor!
Blahdie blahdie blah...Art was great 'cause I'm working on a project that gives me a LOT of freedom, which I relish in because I don't do so well working inside the box. It's art as art is supposed to be. Thankfully the beginning of my week, though dull, is better than last week. OH DEAR GOD! I CAN STILL SEE THOSE VAGINAS!
After school I went home and sped ate and got ready only to come back and venture to East Marshal. Their gym is gay. It emits a funny smell and has stupid benches. Our team got abused during the game! So many injuries...hmm...I know Hub had a turn over and ran into the wall trying to get it back. He limped away from that. Then Schip got his knee taken out and had like, a pound of ice on it the whole second game. So we go on a while, limbs intact, then Sammy decides (unwillingly, of course) to stop a ball with his FACE...which is sad for him because it's a very nice face. But he walked away with only a bit of red and puffiness. Finally, the worst one of the night, happened to Wang. A kid...cut him or hit him or something...but he was fouled and his chin was gushing blood everywhere. Turns out he needed stitches and he was taken to the hospital. What a trooper!
WHOO BOY! THERE ARE SOME WEIRD LOOKIN' GUYS AT EAST MARSHAL, LEMME TELL YA! Michelle and I were laughing up a storm because we were on the stage...and the bench was on the floor infront of us...think the set up of the middle school. At that moment in time we were like God, we saw and heard everything. So we were laughing about something smelling like burnt hair, number 10 with his shorts pulled up to his chin, Reisinger and his anger, and when I was really serious then shouted "AHH! LOOK AT THAT KID!" and he was the funniest thing ever! Think Kip on Napoleon Dynamite minus the glasses and mustash.
We ended up loosing...but putting up a fight doing so. The real fun began on the bus ride home when we were singing and I rapped to In Da Club. They didn't think I knew the words, but they don't realize what little rockers dance to in the lonesome corners of their rooms when no one is home! Rock is god...Rap, when not hip hop, is sometimes good. I just hate it when females act all tough and sing about their "baby boi". It's all propoganda that aspires teenagers to be parents and wear shirts that my 5 year old cousins have grown out of. It's a shame, their's more violence occuring with them trying to keep the out fit on than any fight could ever attempt to create. Some rock music isn't any better. As long as the lyrics have depth, I can listen to it. But yeah.
Anyway, tired...sleep, must!
2/1/05
A New Month!
11:50 P.M.
I gotta stop this "staying up late" crap because it doesn't really benefit me in anyway except I get my journal typed in. Is it really that worth it? Does any one read it anyway? Nope...just Rachael. Maybe I should make flyers promoting my website. The catch phrase'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">catch phrase'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">catch phrase'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">catch phrase'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">catch phrase will be: something or other...I really haven't thought of anything catchy.
Anyway, how was my day, you ask? Just grand. I remember having fun in yearbook walking back and forth from the printer to Schmity's room. Then in PE I made up a song while we played prison ball. It was the "If Your Happy and You Know It" song, just replace happy with bored and horay with boohoo. It was entertaining for what it was. Took notes in Econ...blah blah blah...OH CHOIR! BOO! Choir is becoming my least favorite. We finish Napoleon, sure, but our lunch scheduel is all screwed up now! We sing A lunch instead of eat, girls eat B lunch, and guys eat C! Rachael and I are mad because that means we're pretty much alone and bored because all of our friends are guys! That also means less TW and Schip time. Tyler Winkey is quickly becoming my favorite freshman.
Then I laughed at something about sublevels and electron regions in Chemistry. Then I go to art and learn my shoulder from my photomontage is missing so I reprint that and finish it and decide I hate my watercolor picture. So I really didn't do anything productive really. I just took some notes, nodded off, spaced off...lost a basketball game later that night...to DIKE! How pathetic! The refing was terrible. I know we always complain about it, but that's because it's always bad! Oh well, what's done is done. Michelle S and Michelle L and I looked at prom dresses'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">prom dresses'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">prom dresses'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">prom dresses'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">prom dresses and I found some I love! And we ate a lot of twizlers and starbursts and laughed the entire way home one the bus. About nothing in particular, really. Then I came home and now I'm tired. It's not even today now, it's tomorrow! Well, I mean, it's today, but not yesterday! ...it's 12:01. Let's just leave it at that.
2/2/05
I don't feel so hot...
4:32 P.M.
Well, I'm home sick today, which sucks. My head hurts and my stomach is on fire. It's probably just the 24-hour flu or something I ate. Anyway, I would love to say that I stayed in bed and read a book or wrote some poetry and what not, but it is not the case. I, instead, slaved away for my mom a LOT. I washed dishes, put dishes away, vaccumed, did cat litter'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">cat litter'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">cat litter'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">cat litter'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">cat litter, wiped down counters, took out the recycling, and a whole bunch of other crap, I'm sure. I was pooped even more than I already was. Then I know I need to get out so I rush to school and get my homework. That meant I had to see Schmity on my free day. Grrreat! But I also got to see Charis and Ty Winks...I guess that was ok. So yeah, nothing new. Just working on my page and some other random crap.
I think I would have rather gone to school today.
2/4/05
Happy Birthday Rachael!
10:32 P.M.
I'm not sure what I did at school today that was terribly exciting. I've been writing a story all day, so I might make a seperate page for that or something! It's ok...kinda fantasyish that I derived from one of my dreams. Too bad I couldn't have been in the story verses taking a test in Econ! It wasn't very hard, but that aparently means that I'm going to get a bad grade. Funny how that always seems to happen to me...I think I did great and I did bad. Story of my life. Anyway, today is Friday, or the first day of the most torturous weekend of my life. I will make every minute count and relish in how much fun today was! It's Rachael's 18th birthday! We always have a conversation about what she should do and it goes something like this:
Some random person: What are you doing on your birthday?
Rachael: I don't know
Me: She's going to buy cigarettes, porn, and get a tattoo!
Rachael: I'm not getting a tattoo!
Me: Fine, then just cigarettes and porn!
Rachael: No!
Me: Then just porn?
Rachael: I'm not going to buy porn! What will I do with it?
Me: Well, we won't do anything with it...it's just to say we bought some! I KNOW! Let's give it to Ben!
But yeah...I finished my computer canvas in art! I love it! It's my favorite so far. Mrs. Graves wouldn't let me take it home. I was upset. Technically, isn't it my project and shouldn't I take it where ever I please? Ah well...
OH DEAR GOD! WE WON A BASKETBALL GAME! AGAINST GRUNDY! Can you believe that? They're rated second in their confrence and came in with like...3 losses and 11 or something wins! We're 2 and 14...and we beat them! Who woulda guessed! Poor Blake, that has to sting.
Tomorrow should be fun...wish me luck when hanging out with my family!
2/5/05
Stupid Saturday!
11:25 P.M.
This morning I woke up with a sore throat and a stuffy nose, remind me to thank Rachael for that. So I got ready and called her so we could go to the movie for her birthday and I learned that her dad was being a dick again. If I had a hit list, he would surely be at the top. There's nothing more annoying than parents that don't realize how easy they have it with their child. But yeah, she felt like crap between being yelled at and being sick...but I got her to go to the movie anyway. It was a good time. We hung out and talked and laughed and stuff. I guess the movie was pretty good. Not something I would go nuts about, but something decent. I was just disappointed with what the Boogeyman looked like when they showed him at the end. It was dumb. After the movie we went to the bank and I got the money for my new car'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">new car'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">new car'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">new car'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">new car! I'm way excited! I hope it has a CD player.
So when I got home I cleaned my room and waited for my realitives. They can be ok, but it's not something I look forward to. I would have rather hung out with Rachael and went prom dress'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">prom dress'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">prom dress'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">prom dress'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">prom dress shopping. And I was right to be upset, because they were way lame to begin with, but as time went on we had fun. And I got to know my cousin's wife, Chrissy, pretty well. She's awesome. And Jenny showed up, something I didn't think would EVER happen.
So we watched "Blue Collar Comedy Tour" and then I went upstairs and dinked around on my guitar" onmouseover="window.status='guitar'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">guitar" onmouseover="window.status='guitar'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">guitar" onmouseover="window.status='guitar'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">guitar" onmouseover="window.status='guitar'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">guitar. I tried to learn the tabs to an AFI song, but when I listened to Hunter play it...the notes were right, he's just super bassists and can fly through the notes.I'll get it eventually!
So yeah, over all...not a good day, but not a terrible one either! Thank god!
2/7/05
Illness?
9:50
Wow, yeah...so Monday already? Where'd the weekend go? Goddamned realitives being around left me with no spare time. I don't even want to discuss Sunday because it will ruin my bad mood. Let's just say I had not a good time. Thankfully it was a two hour late start and all of my morning classes were shortened. Rachael was gone today because she's a weanie and can't take a little cold. I'm still trooping it out! It was a good thing tonight was a home game against Hudson...or I'd be so dead that I wouldn't be able to move.
My exhaustion has reached a level that surpasses hallucinations. I'm definately seeing things. And hearing them. That sucks. It started snowing again tonight...not a lot though. Wow, today was incredibly boring. I think I'll stop now.
2/8/05
Parent's Night
10:40 PM
Tonight was the last seasonal basketball home game for the varsity...the rest are districts. It was parents' night, but unfortunately my parents were unable to attend. It's ONLY my senior year...when all the seniors get flowers to give to their parents when their names are called. I ended up having Marissa come down and claim me. Luckily everyone thought the whole thing was cute. My last basketball season is almost over. It's terribly scary. I know I want to go to college...but it'll be so different! I'll miss the close relationships with my teachers! I know that's pathetic, but Mr. Zaccaro, Mrs. Graves, Mr. Kerns, and Mrs. Guldager were more than just teachers. They were friends, mentors, and role-models. All of them contributed to who I am today in their own little way. I just hope that I left the same impression on them.
I don't think the school will be the same after we're gone. Sure our class is naughty, but we bring color and laughter. The classes below us are vain, insecure, loud, haughty, flirty...quite annoying. I'm glad I won't be there. Plue, with us leaving, all of the indivduals leave with us. I mean face it, we have Harms, Ooms, Me, Amy K, Katie, Rachael, AV, Taylor, Amanda, Jenna...lots of others! I'm just upset that it took us until our senior year to realize how much our class rocks. I wouldn't trade them for the world (Maybe a free trip to Hawaii would be enough! Hehe). We'll move on and our legacy will fade with time like worn and forgotten paintings on the wall. It sucks knowing we'll only be a memory. Hopefully things won't change a bit at our five year reunion.
Countdown? 64 days left...
2/9/05
Ultimate Paradox
7:23 PM
When I say today was the ultimate paradox, I'm not kidding. The morning started out wonderful! I mean...REALLY AWESOME! We took pictures all morning for yearbook of organizations and clubs in our school. I got a kick out of it! Tessa and I laughed and joked a bit. I talked to Amy finally, since she's been ignoring me the last couple of days. And Brody's back to acting normal around me...thank god. I don't know how much more of the awkward Brody I could stomach. We took our yearbook picture in a big snow pile, that was fun. My hands got all red, stiff, and tingly. But then I kept the entire spanish club...or was it large group speech? Oh well...I kept them entertained with my weirdness. I showed them my elbows, body wave, hand wave, and stretchiness...so yeah. I also got to talk to Mr. Zacarro about me being a second soprano, so he understands my suffering now. I also learned that he DID need me to help lead the second sopranos! Oh well...
Then we go to the afternoon in which we have a school assembly to break the news that Kobe Hippen's mother passed away. It was quite depressing, but I held my composure...even if it did remind me of the assembly we had on the first day of 4th grade to inform the entire school that my dad killed himself that summer. So we go to choir and Mr. Zacarro talks about the hardships of loosing someone that close and that we should all go home and thank our parents. Well, he forgot that I couldn't really thank my dad. While I was thinking about it, I realized that his birthday is next Friday, so I lost it. I went through 5th and 6th and 7th hour crying...Sarah and Kayla and Stina and Yvette and a whole bunch of people cried with me...so I felt relieved. And loved because so many people were comforting me. But yeah. It was hard to express that during school when I'm usually always happy. Some people didn't know what to think of this new Tara. Not to worry, it won't happen again...hopefully. So between 7th and 8th hour I went to Mr. Z's office and we have a good chat. I went in tearing up and went out smiling. He's a really understanding guy and I felt really comfortable talking to him. We talked about my dad, what happened, how I felt, my outlook on life, my humble sense of humor, and a lot of things that made me feel really good about myself. So when I got home, I didn't feel so bad. I did kiss my mom on the cheek and tell her how much I loved her. If I lost her, I'd have nothing. I'm glad I can appreciate what I have.
For those of you from school, keep Kobe and her family in your prayers. May her mom's soul reach heaven and never be forgotten.
2/10/05
Time With Eric
10:42 PM
It's amazing how most of the people carried on today like nothing was wrong. I guess I can't blame them...it hurts to be sad. At least things are back to normal, I guess. Health was fun! My group finished our project and we laughed a lot. I helped Ooms and Rachael with there's. On their power point there's a segment called "Time with Eric" in which Eric reads a poem about adoption. I'm WAY excited! It has his picture on it and everything. And then in Econ we still don't do anything with that new guy...he just stands there as we talk and stuff! Ironically, I'm learning a lot more...hm...
Choir was interesting. I learned that Mr. Zaccaro is one of my favorites...the list is now: Kerns, Guldager, Zaccaro, and Graves. Speaking of Mrs. Graves, she's gone for a week in Mexico, so I hope she has fun with that. Meanwhile, we're stuck with May...something or other. I can't spell her name. OH WELL!
OH JEEZ! The basketball game was intense. Our freshman know how to kick it up a knotch! I'm soo proud! We went into double over time, which was cool! Ethan and Sam fouled out and Schip had to go get stitches on his eyebrow! So we finished with 4 guys! We lost, but it was one of the best games we've played...I was so proud! ::sniff sniff:: The JV game wasn't as intense. It usually isn't. But that's ok. The guys have fun playing and so it's still fun. Michelle and I ate a HUGE bunch of candy hearts, so I'm feeling that right now. We kept feeding them to the players...I'm surprised no one threw up. I gave one to Sammy that said: My Hero because he fouled out. So yeah, that's my day in a nutshell
Can I have some of your tots?
2/11/05
TGIF
11:17 PM
Ahh, the glorious sound that is Friday. I could bask in the warmth for hours on end because I know i get to SLEEP IN! WHOO HOO! We played Lions and tigers and bears in PE. That was entertaining for about a minute! And I finished my paper in Advanced Comp...Mr. Z tore it up, even though he loves my writting. I'm going to have him correct my papers everytime I have one. I didn't do anything in Art because I finished my sketching as well as I could. Those nesting doll things get way small. So I added on to my story. I can't post it until it's all written or it's bad luck. I won't finish it then. And it's too good to ignore!
Today was my vocal lesson. Z and I had some fun times with my solo. I have good tone with my chest voice, I'm just too airy in my head voice. But I did make him do his mock orgasm thing on occasion, so that was good. Then Pam came in and we helped her with some crossword puzzle for Intro to Lit. I was a wiz at it because I helped her finish most of it. Then in Study hall we played Text Twist and I was a genius at that! What fun!
The basketball game was great. We almost won, but didn't. It was a valiant effort! Cudos to Jesup, they put up a fight, even when we were winning...and should've won. Brody had a good night! 10 points and 4 steals? What a stud...at one point, when he came off the bench, Jesup's coach yelled, "Guard the shooter!" Actually, I think the trophy goes to Ooms, though. He was puttin' 'em in quite well. I think it was the best game he's played in a while. And for once, the officials were ok. On the ride home Buseman's aunt made food, so that was good. I listened to Modest Mouse! But then my...walkman...started not...working...I fought with it for a while and sang songs with Benji, Andy, Tom, Tjeerdsma, and random others. It was fun. Then I was singing to myself and Ooms was watching me...he said it was cute. I laughed for a while at that. Michelle and I had great times with candy hearts again. And I slapped Kelly E in the face!
That's Tara-3 Kelly E-0!
2/12/05
Chillin' at...my house?
9:56
Today John, D, and BennieD came over and we hung out. It was awesome! BennieD and D are like the little brothers I never had! When they went to the funeral, John, Marissa, and I watched Anchorman, but then when those guys got back we watch Dawn of the Dead. That was the most fun. BennieD jumped quite a few times! I still love that movie the most, no matter how many times I've seen it. The guys made fun of me and my obsession with Jake Weber. I failed to see the humor in it. My mom made homemade pizza, which was awesome. I love homemade pizza. I drank a LOT of Mountain Dew and burped WAY huge, it was awesome! Too bad I didn't record it. Then when Bennie D went home...or after I took him home...D put a bunch of girls clothes'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">girls clothes'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">girls clothes'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">girls clothes'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">girls clothes on and I laughed! Then he jammed to Modest Mouse way loud. I was sad when he had to go home, but he let me borrow The Killers! They're way awesome! And tonight I saw Kill Bill 2...that movie rocks. During it Ben came and told me he was moving, but still going to school here. I'm glad 'cause I'd miss him so much. I don't ever see him anymore and that upsets me a lot. Oh well, he'll diffenately hang out at our apartment when we get it! I'm kinda excited, but scared at the same time. This is it...these last four years have been preparing me for the hardest years of my life. Hopefully I learned a lot...
BRING IT ON!
2/13/05
Shopping with Casey
8:23 PM
All I have to say is Rachael had better have the best damn Valentine's Day ever! Casey and I went shopping just for her and I helped him pick out roses! I drove my car, which was great 'cause I love my car! But he investigated EVERYTHING and found a stash of toothpicks...and we had fun scaring people that we passed. He had lenseless frames that hindered his ability to look like a hoodlum, he said. I think it just hindered his ability to get people to feel sorry for him and give him spare change. But yeah, at Hot Topic we saw Blake and Brody...which was depressing because I didn't want to think about Brody that particular day. Oh well. I got Rachael a bunch of cool things for her birthday and Valentine's Day that I hope she loves. Casey helped me pick out a charm for her! And we went to Hy-Vee to cash my check, which was great! We laughed about stuff in line...I don't remember what, but it was fun, I'm sure. Then we went to Spencer's and he got a naughty pen and a new key chain. He thought his dad would think it was a demonic sign. We saw a HUGE snow pile that he wanted to run in, but I refused because it had a tire sticking out of it. He found a gas cap in the College Square parking lot and insisted on getting it so he could keep it...he did. It was also raining that day, so we tried to relive the giant puddle incident, but the puddle wasn't giant and we only relived childhood sorrows and disappointments, like when we discovered Santa wasn't real. The cheap bastard. Then again, I should have known that a fat guy couldn't travel that far that fast. Let alone go down chiminies! What a fraud. Anyway...we went flower shopping and tried to get blue roses'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">blue roses'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">blue roses'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">blue roses'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">blue roses, alas, that is aparently hard to do. So he got her pretty ivory and pink ones instead...that I picked out because he was going to be traditional. I think she'll love 'em. If not, I said he could smite me or something to that effect. But yeah, it was fun over all. The only thing that coulda made it better was if Rachael was there. At least Casey and I are better friends now. That asset will be important later in live when the two of 'em are married! Heh...that's weird. Earlier this evening I watched the taped episode of Medium, which is now one of my favorites! It's so good! And Jake Weber is in it...cha CHING! So hot! Want to touch the hiney!
Merry Valentine's Day to the singles!
2/14/05
Single's Awarness Day
10:55 P.M.
Today was good for what it was. Being Valentine's Day and all. I got Valentine's anyway from Amy, Tawny, Austin, Kayla C, Brittany, and Katie! It brightened my day. I tried to look cute, also. I hope that goal was achieved. Mr. Zaccaro told me I looked nice, so I guess it really wasn't. Heh...I try to be funny, note how it fails!
We watched a really creepy video in health. It bothered me. I saw boobs and stuff. I'm so tired of that class and it's disgusting nudity. ENOUGH VAGINAS! Boo...Thank God Advanced Comp cheered me up! I got a 99 on my paper. THANK YOU MR. ZACCARO! She only docked me for missing a few commas! Otherwise she told me my intro, conclusion, and points were well written and played out. It was a point of pride!
Then there was a basketball game tonight. The second to last JV game. At least I didn't spend Valentine's Day at home! Haha! No, instead I watched a very intense Freshman game (surprise surprise!). We won by 1 point! It was, again, intense! Schip and Sammy fouled out...I told them they were just too tough for them! Then it was followed by a not so intense, yet equally entertaining JV game. I always seem to get the giggles then. I think it was because Mr. Raum said the ref looked like Stephen King...and he did!
On the way home I listened to AFI-The Art of Drowning because Marissa let me borrow her headphones. They rock. I want some way bad! I think I'll keep 'em until she notices, which should be until BBall is over, hopefully. I think I'd die if I had to just sit there and look stupid. But I got into the songs, I love AFI. I felt really pretty because my legs were smooth and I feel like I've been loosing weight and two guys winked and waved at me! Take that one...crushes that don't like me back!
Today is single's awarness day...be aware that I'm single!
2/15/05
I feel smart today
8:00 P.M.
Amy and I are getting tight again, which is great. Along with Tessa and I...I love that. I missed Amy! Brod was gone because he had explosive diarrhea or something from Taco Bell. I love Taco Bell...that makes me hungry for a taco. But yeah, it was good he was gone. Not because he's sick, but because I'm trying to get over the stupid crush thing, so I needed a day off. We played Indian Pinball in PE...it was fun. I love that game. I hope we play it again Thursday! In Advanced comp we got a new paper to start...it's argumentive and my topic is about global warming and how it IS a problem. The only PROBLEM I had was helping other people verses myself. I'm too nice. At lunch, Rachael and I finally sat by Kayla, Sarah, Stina, Jessica, and Carrie...it was good because I miss those guys. Choir was just as fun. I made fun of Z, all in good fun, of course. Blah blah blah...the rest of school...yada yada yada...Jessica and I found Mark's MSN personal and laughed for about 10 minutes! It was great fun!
No basketball tonight! It's dinner theater! So I get a day off to do nothing except work on my page and stuff. After school I went to Rachael's with Casey. That was fun. We played four play hockey with Zach on his ATV game! It was complete chaos. I saw Rachael's prom dress. I was under excited, even though it was so cute. I don't know why I didn't get excited. I guess it was because I was upset that we could clash if we all hung out before prom. I have to start looking for a date NOW. Yeah, we had lots of laughs at her house. Casey climbed into the dog kennel'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">dog kennel'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">dog kennel'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">dog kennel'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">dog kennel...Rachael has pictures and I have a vivd memory (on occasion). When he left we played Tag on another game of Zach's. Then I came home and decided to go for a walk with my mom. Well, she walked, I ran. Really slowly. Like fast running actions, small movements. It was like doing butt kicks. Occasionally I'd have to stop to wait for her to catch up a couple feet, the whole time jogging in place. I didn't stop once and I was talking. It was amazing. Soon my legs got numb and I had a runner's high. I love that feeling. It's the best high in the world! So I took a shower, then came up here. Great fun.
Must...find...prom...date!
2/16/05
Coach Carter
9:32 P.M.
Today was fun. I finally got to see "Time with Eric" in Health. I only waited a week or so for it, so I laughed the hardest. And in Econ, we did nothing, as usual. Stupid Mr. Lupkes...not teaching us anything! Oh well, then I get to crack jokes all period and everyone laughs, or doesn't laugh, depends on the mood. Mr. Zaccaro is making me design a cover for his song, which I worked on all afternoon. Except in Chemistry...in chemistry we did some weird experiment and had Mrs. Bennett tell us all the answers. Hehe...tricky, aren't we, precious?
Study hall was unusual. Sam S has an obsession with my poetry and me, so he reads it aloud a lot. It was weird at first, but I got used to it. Now I just look forward to when everyone stops and listens. My drawing is coming along nicely, but Z might not like it...at least it's original and it's his vision of the ocean at night! I just got so distracted with my poetry being READ ALOUD that I rushed sometimes. Oh well...we had a pep assembly for the girls district game tonight. On a Wednesday, can you believe that? Oh well, I went to Coach Carter with the guys. It's a pretty good movie, I just felt like I should be speaking major slang. My IQ dropped about a point. On the way home, there, and at the movie theater I was being tortured in some way. First they took pictures of me on camera phones'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">camera phones'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">camera phones'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">camera phones'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">camera phones, then they threw food at me, made fun of my laugh, talked about my toes...all that weird stuff. I think Wang was trying to rub my leg on the way home. Or maybe it was my over active imagination. Anywho. I saw bits of the girls game and then finished it up on the radio. I was sad we lost, but I knew it was inevitable. Sorry girls!
I talked to Mark today! I was happy because I haven't talked to him in a while...I kinda miss guys with a sense of humor! Oh well. I can deal. Congrats to him on the girlfriend! And surviving almost the first year of college. That'll be me next year! Oh joy.
Fo sizzle, this is my house, aight? Nigger, you know I'm trippin', dog! Git wif it...word!
2/17/05
Last Game...Ever
11:13 P.M.
The only interesting thing that happened today in school was that I showed Mr. Zacarro my sketch for his cover. He loved it, apparently. It was the embodied image he had for the song, so it reigned near perfection in his eyes. I decided I rant about Z too much and someday it'll sound like I have a crush on the man, which is horrifingly creepy. Not only is he married, but he's my teacher...I've learned the only school girl crushes I can have are on celebrities, not real life older men. Besides, Mr. Zaccaro's the type of guy that at some points in life seems like the closest to cool you're gonna get, but then he ruins it with a lame joke and you're left thinking: 'Eh...not so much.
Well, so it's Thursday, right? Neat...I love todays. Thursdays are my favorites. Only one more day to go and it suddenly seems like there's not a seemingly endless week panned out infront of you. Better yet, tomorrow is finally Winter Formal...I can get it over with and go alone! Hopefully I'll at least look nice. As of now it's a small comfort in the bleak future. Jeez, what happened to my cheerful optimism? Hell if I know. Maybe I'm just expecting too much from EVERYONE! Huh, imagine that.
Ok, so we lost the last JV game I'll ever be a part of...it's ok. And then our Varsity followed with an equally bad game. No big deal! Ooms vomited in a trash bag on the way home though. I heard it. It was gross. And then I came home. And now I want to sleep.
2/18/05
Winter Formal
12:34 PM
Since nothing exciting happened at school at all today, the highlight of my day was getting my hair done. Had it not been for my unusual mood, I don't think I would have done anything but sulk in the corner, tending to my story. But alas, I decided that joking was much more fun. I had everyone in an uproar, laughing. By everyone I mean myself and...THERE WERE TOO OTHER PEOPLE THERE!...Julie Dunn, my mom, and Erica! I loved how Julie did my hair. I felt elegant! OH! WAIT! Something DID happen today! I learned that Brody might like Sarah, which brings me to the conclusion that Sarah steals all the guys I like! First it was Mark, then AV, and now Brody? Wow, she may as well follow me to college and have all the guys I like fall in love with HER instead! Neato!
And I DID get a last minute date to Winter Formal, which was Ben! He called and asked me...I was excited. It was his last day and I was thankful that I got to spend that last night with him. He picked me up in an old LIMO! It was sweet. It's times like those that I really have to convince myself that I don't love Ben because he could just hurt me in the end. I trust him, but could he really have remained a good boy? I dunno...it's a hard call that I didn't feel qualified to make. I've been hurt too much.
So we had a great time, I thought. It didn't seem like Ben was at the end there, though. We hung out a lot with Zaccaro...his wife couldn't make it because she was visiting her sister. That was too bad because his wife is way nice. But yeah, we laughed about the bad music. I asked him why he wasn't doing the train and he said that it was required by state law that he didn't...dance to that song. My reaction: Darn...and I was hoping he'd save the last slow dance for me! ::rolls eyes:: No but seriously, he was my savior. Especially when Brody showed up. I wanted to hurt myself. And he danced with Chelsea Johnson. A lot. Continuiously. For every slow song. Consequently I was getting really mad and tried not to hyperventilate. So I just left in a dead sprint to the door and stood outside for about 10 minutes. It was really cold, but with my numbed emotions I didn't feel the coldness. I just stared blankly off into the parking lot and into the trees beyond the pool. Mist rolled over the ground and in the corner of my eye I could see the cemetary, illuminated by the street lights'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">street lights'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">street lights'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">street lights'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">street lights and fog covered moon. The bottom of my dress floated out beside me in the chilling breeze and my arms were anchored to the cement column of the front of the Vet's Building. Off to my side, Ian and his female fan base laughed and joked. At least they were having a fun time. I had just regained my composure when AV came out side, dialing a phone number into his cell phone'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">cell phone'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">cell phone'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">cell phone'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">cell phone. He turned to me: "It's awfully cold out! You should go back in...you'll freeze in that dress!" I just smiled graciously at him. If I had known at the time that when Sarah told him that Brody should dance with me he told her he was busy...dancing with Chelsea, I wouldn't have been as polite. His voice rambling into the phone was lost to the music emitting from the window as he walked further into the parking lot. The music got louder, signaling that someone had opened the door and foot steps approached me until they stopped by my side. I turned and gave a half smile...it was Nic. Though he isn't my favorite person, some how his presence was oddly calming on this unusual night.
"Everything ok?" He seemed genuinely concerned.
"Yeah..." I lied.
"You sure?" Busted.
"I'm fine, honest..." There was a small silence.
"You know, if you every need someone to listen, I'm right here. Just let me know when you're ready."
I nodded and paused. "Today would have been my dad's birthday."
"Oh" Was all he said because no more needed to be spoken, he understood.
"It's awfully nice out."
"Yeah, perfect weather."
"So how have you been?" I changed the subject away from me.
"Surprisingly good. I guess I have you to thank for that."
"No, you had it in you all along. I just helped you realize it."
"Thanks..."
"How's your date?"
"Kind of a downer. She's who I used to be."
"I came with Ben."
"I saw that."
"It's his last day here...he'll go to Waterloo on Monday."
"Yeah, I heard about the whole divorce thing...about 2 months ago when it was supposed to be hush hush."
"Huh...no one ever told me."
As I said the words, his attention turned from me to Ian and the hoard of girls. Thankful that the last detail was kept to myself, I turned and walked unnoticed back into the building. I was grateful for the warm and dank air on my arms because the cold finally got to me. So I headed for the desert table and decided to chat with Mr. Zaccaro. As we wrapped up a converstaion about not being able to spell crap without rap, I decided to go dance with Stina, Sarah, and Kayla some more...for old times sake. And it did feel like old times. I forgot completely about my misgivings and let indescretion rule my thoughts. It didn't last long and a song I cared not to dance to came on, so I returned to my table.
"Hey Ben! You having fun?"
He nodded, false happiness in his eye.
"You can't lie to me, you know that?"
"I'm having fun, honest."
He and JWood exchanged glances.
"What?"
"I did you a favor...you better appreciate it!"
"Huh?" Confusion settled in just as the fast paced song was ending. It's rhythmic pounding was replaced with a piano introduction. I recognized it immediately...My Immortal by Evanescence. The song had haunted my dreams, painting ever so softly the image of eternal pain. And now, as I sat alone and Ben and Jessica headed to the dance floor, it took over my thoughts. I hung my head to the floor, afraid to look up, knowing what it was I'd see. But then I thought, you're overreacting. When you look up, it won't be there. My mind won the battle with my heart and I cautiously glanced up and out on to the dance floor. And I was right. Dancing right in my immediate vision was Brody and Chelsea. It was nerve wracking and I could feel the tears sting my eyes and threaten my cheeks behind my closed eyelides. I looked like my heart had just shriveled up and fell useless to the floor. At that moment, I knew what I had to do. I had to forget him...rinse him away. I knew the people that caught a glimpse of my pain wouldn't understand until they knew of the heart of a woman who will never be found in the arms that man. Any other night, I would have done anything to be the cause of the sparkle in his eye. I would have suffered, fought, and compromised. I was even wishing on the stars only moments ago that they would shine so brightly for him...the one person that would haunt me that night. So I turned my feelings off...just like that. I was easy. All I had to do was watch him with his eyes closed, relishing in her touch and I knew I couldn't feel anything.
Then he opened his eyes and caught me watching them. I never looked away and his eyes met the floor. He seemed upset by something, then pulled away from the object of his affection, whispering something in her ear.
'Wow, he stopped for a bathroom break? That's amazing...' I thought, suddenly curious. But he didn't make his way to the bathrooms, he came over to my table instead.
"Hey Tara Smith! Come dance with me!" I smiled, my heart suddenly beating. 'Hey...I said no feelings for him! What are you stupid? Well...he did ask me to dance with him.'
"Ben Shadlow said I had to dance with you." And there it was. He ruined it. 'False alarm...for a moment there I was begining to think things would actually go my way for once, but it was just another cruel joke. Thanks God...'preciate it'.'
So we danced, made small talk, I got as close as possible because I knew this was my good bye to all the feelings I ever had for him. I wouldn't cry, I knew that. I also knew that he wasn't worthy of my tears, so I wouldn't dare shed one over him. And then as soon as it started,-the song that seemed forever long only a few days ago-it ended.
"Wanna keep dancing?" I asked, but knew the answer before I even finished my question. It was almost a yes, but then Chelsea turned to him, bottom lip stuck out.
"Nah, I gotta dance with her over here. But thanks!"
"Yeah, thanks."
So I walked back to my table and Nic approaches me.
"Wanna dance?"
I smiled. "Why not?"
The song got louder and I realized it was the theme from Titanic. A good song to match my mood. My heart will go on. I survived Nic, Mark, AV, Cody, and I'll sure as hell survive Brody. Why? Because Mark and AV were twice the men he is and I'm still standing.
"I just wanted to say, once again, how sorry I am. I know it means nothing to you, but I do want you to know that whatever feelings I had for you, it's just respect now. You are one of the most amazing people ever and I know you'll go on to live an amazing life. Just know that I can understand things better than I used to. I can't say that I know what you're going through today, but I can try to understand. And I understand your anxiety about college...we all fear change. And the way you were looking at Brody when you saw him out on the dance floor? I can understand that too."
"I know..."
And so my night ended...Ben took me home, I said my good bye, and I came up here. It seems odd. All of it. I wish I could better understand what it meant, but that would take a lot of thinking. Right now, I'm just emotionally and physically drained.
As of now, I can accept anything that happens to me...for all things happen for a greater purpose.
2/19/05
Home Alone
12:06 PM
Today I did absolutely nothing and loved every minute of it. I read some fan fiction, worked on my story, watched TV...speaking of which, all of the NBA contests were on. The skills, dunking, long distance shot, and range shot challenges, to be exact. Phoenix took three out of four of them with Quentin Richardson on long distance shots, Shawn Marion on range shooting, and Steve Nash on skills...he's such a stud. He almost helped Amare Stoudemire win the dunk contest, but some sophomore rookie won it instead.
So after that my mom and Scott came home from Red Lobster because it was Scott's birthday. My mom and I watched Collateral with Tom Cruise. It's such a good movie. It gets me thinking about a lot of things. So I plan on staying up way late tonight to sort through some things. But yeah, otherwise I slept all day! Shweet.
2/21/05
Skipping ahead
10:45
Today was just one of those days, ya know? I've come to the conclusion that this year, the one I've been thinking about since I was in 4th grade, royally sucks. There's nothing good about it! Ben's gone, that's no fun. I'm sure art was really quiet, which is why I was glad to have had a vocal lesson. GAH! Mrs. Graves is back, so she was all: "Is it going to take the whole hour? Because it shouldn't...you need to get back here!" I was pissed. When I had my lesson, it only took half the hour so I just stayed there and looked at shoes on the internet with Pam. Oops? Oh well, Mrs. Graves deserved it. I couldn't believe she got pushy with me! I could understand if I was some...off-task, always loud, never gets projects done student, but I'm not! Most of the time I go in during my study hall anyway! Not recently, of course, because I can't stand her anymore. Her loss.
And we had the first conference Varsity game tonight. If we won, we continued on, but alas, we lost. It was a really good game, though. We gave Grundy Center a run for their money! In the end, we lost by 1 point. A sad day in history...ok not really, I'm being overly dramatic. Now I'm just left with the play to occupy my time.
My memory doesn't seem to be working as well as it used to.
2/22/05
Play Practice
9:22
We started doing our stocks in Econ today. I'm not a fan. It was fun to look through them, though. I choose Haliburton as one...let's see how much money the Bush's loose! Probably none because as long as there's a war, they have work. Damn politics.
During lunch, Sarah decided she liked Erica more than me because she told her to sit by her...which is fine with me. If that's how they prefer things, then I'd rather sit at the end of the table. I think I'll do that tomorrow. I feel myself wanting to become a loner again every day. It's hard to resist the temptation, too. I love sitting up in my room, sketching, strumming on my guitar, blaring my radio, reading...I guess I'll have to get used to not having a social life because I'll be working and stuff when it comes time for summer to start!
Then in choir I got bored and started sketching everything because, well, I didn't feel like paying attention. I like drawing cartoons, so I decided to draw one of Z. It looked just like him and apparently I was being too obvious because he stopped, mid-sentence and asked: Tara, are you drawing me? The whole class laughed and I blushed a little. It was meant to be funny, but hopefully he didn't think too much into it.
There was play practice today, not for my part, though. I just go to hang out with Charis, Issac, and Winks. We had a fun time. Charis and I laughed about a lot of things that I really needed. I miss her a lot. I just wish I had more classes with her. And Issac and I had a great conversation about NBA! Too bad he's an EASTERN Conference fan...sham to see. And Winks played with my dinosaur on my key ring'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">key ring'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">key ring'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">key ring'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">key ring. And we laughed at...something or other. I'm sure it was him making a funny face and me giggling at it. But other than that, my day was pretty much same-o, same-o.
Ben called and we talked a lot. He told me all about his first day in Waterloo. I miss him. He said he'd call me tomorrow, so we'll see. I hope it become a nightly thing!
3/2/05
Skipping Ahead!
6:36 P.M.
Since nothing fun happened today because I woke up with a giant migrane...which is unusual...I'll just catch you up on all the things that have been happening in my life recently. Senior skip day was last Thursday and I hung out with Tessa and Katie. We had a blast! Tessa helped Katie clean her room and I helped her clean her car. We went to Dean's Grocery store and bought meat to make pickle wraps, which were delicious. On the way there, Tessa had to sit on my lap. While we were talking and Katie was playing the piano, there was a prank phone caller, so we laughed about that. Then we got ready and went out to Carlos O'Kelly's to eat. We looked hot...I mean really hot...HEY EVERYONE! COME SEE HOW HOT WE LOOKED! We also went to Target and these three scuzzy guys followed us. So we floored it to Steak and Shake to get desert. There were a bunch of creepy guys there. Finally one decent one came in with his dad, so we didn't feel completely creeped out. Then as we were paying, this older lady was HITTING on us! BAH!
When we got back to Katie's, Tessa left and Katie and I did work out videos to salsa dancing and hiphop. It was great fun! I kept getting confused! So then we watched Elimidate and Aquateen Hunger Force and fell asleep. The next day I went prom dress shoping with my mom and it is BEAUTIFUL! And I got an Email from Rachael telling me that her grandpa rented a limo for us! AWESOME! So I have the dress, the accessories, the ride, now I need the DATE! Rachael keeps telling me to take Ben...but I don't want to. I don't know why, I guess it's because I don't feel that way about Ben. He's a really good friend, that's all.
On Saturday night, D also came over and we hung out. He brought his guitar and played...he's FANTASTIC! And he gave me an electric tuner and a pick, which I'm thankful for. He also told me when he gets his new guitar he was giving me his old one! Wow...either he's trying REALLY hard to get Marissa back or he thinks I'm REALLY cool! Who knows. I just know that I want that guitar! That night I watched Pitch Black and The Chronicles of Riddick...Vin Disel is a sexy biotch. I have multiple PG-13 rated dreams about him. That and I love the story lines! They're such awesome movies!
Monday I asked Rachael to come over after school to see my dress and watch the AFI videos I downloaded, so we hung out for a bit. And it was good...we laughed at the bunny in the AFI video "Girls not Grey".
Ben and I talked on the phone for like...3 and half hours last night. It was great. I don't think I've talked to someone that long before! We're almost as close as Jordan and I...just not quite. So yeah...that's my life as of recently. Fun fun...
3/3/05
Plays and Meetings
10:12
School today was lame. We had P.E. and I don't like pickel ball...or however you spell it. It's just plain dumb. And we have gay worksheets in Advanced Comp that Mr. Sampson gave us. (That's right, 7th hour! WE DIDN'T HAVE SCHMITTY! HAHA!) Anywho, besides that, Rachael and I went after school and worked out in the Fitness Center. It was a great time 'cause that place is actually fun when you're the only ones in there. We watched some show on VH1 about a bunch of fat celebrities. It's funny.
Our Senior trip meeting was tonight. I kicked my mom's butt on the way in...literally. I felt like ninja. During the meeting I kept making smart comments about things Mr. Raum was saying. I don't think anyone could stop laughing for a couple minutes. Then I had play practice.
The gym was dark and I sat on it's floor in the glow of the stage lights. Beneathe me, the wooden floor boards creaked signaling the others were arriving...late. I had my legs crossed and my eyes closed in concentration. Meditating is the one thing I use to save my sanity. It allows me to either reminisce about the day behind me or to speak with God. Tonight, however, I was using it to concentrate on all the commotion around me. As I was taking a deep breath, I heard someone try to drop sliently to the ground from the stage and bound quickly towards me. I opened my eyes. It was Issac. Followed by Winks. I smiled, thankful for the company.
I don't know why I enjoyed opening my eyes and seeing them...it was just as calming as my deep breathing. So as our conversation escalated to Mad TV and things of a more hilarious nature and I was laughing well enough, I realized that the two were charismatic and could cheer me up quite quickly. That's probably why I was drawn to them. And that's the explination I'm going to stick with.
It wasn't until half way through practice I had a revelation. I was lounged out, almost in slumber. Everything around me, previously elated to my senses, had since grown hazy and my reaction was hindered. Issac was on stage and Winks about a yard away, tending to his homework. Now that I think back, it all seemed surreal. I realized I hadn't a care in the world and I was so happy and satisfied just laying there. Maybe I wanted to be a play director when I got older. That's would be nice...enough to keep me content. As the lines droned on, I dozed off. I think I was dreaming about fairytales and magical storylines...or I was still half awake and taking in the play. In any case, I was definately awake when I felt someone sit next to me in my intimate zone. Or, if this works better for my avid readers, if I would have flexed my arm muscle, as small as it is...boohoo..., I would have touched him. I haven't had anyone sit so close to me so casually since Nic. So, of course, I tensed up and closed my eyes. Panic ran through my mind.
It can't be him! Oh God...it's him. Why is he here now? Make him leave...oh please...no. No God...please. Why? I want to relish in you God. Make the Devil go. I can't believe this! What have I done? I want to know what I've done! I'm sorry! Why? Oh God...just calm down. Breathe...just breathe. Open your eyes and tell him to leave you alone. Tell him that..that...Just...tell him...TO GET THE HELL AWAY FROM YOU!
My eyes flew open and I turned, furry on my cheeks and tears welled up in my eyes, ready to face the devil. My mouth fell agape when I saw, instead of Nic, Issac, feeling so comfortable sitting next to me. I almost let the tears fall in relief, but shook off my previous panic and forced a smile. I would have fainted on him if I wasn't reminded of what was going on around me by his laughter, quick flash of concern, then more laughter as I joked about him saving his sister.
The rest of the play practice drug on and I gave Jenna a ride home, then came home myself. I was relieved and the first thing I did when I came in my room was turn the lights on then fall to my bed, choking on my tears. Ever since him, I hadn't been a fan of the dark. I used to live in it, savoring its calming and infinate forever that would stretch out in a whole new world, but now I fear it more than death. In the darkness, he waits and whispers. Sometimes I'm afraid that I'll open my eyes and he'll be standing over me, that evil glint in his eye and crooked smile on his face. Then he'll hold me down and tell me when I die...I'll never see heaven. There's no such thing and any hope I have to see light is vanquished by the crushing reality of my necessary end. God doesn't exist and if he did, he wouldn't waste his time on a pathetic nobody like me. But then I wake up from the horrible nightmare, unable to breathe, and I'd fall off my bed and onto my knees and I'd pray. I'd pray aloud, sobbing so hard that before the end, I'm heaving emptiness onto my floor and I can feel the blood behind my eyes. But not tonight...tonight I'm just sitting in the light from my picture lamp. The colors on my face and hands make me smile and I have renewed vigor in my faith. I hope that no one else has to encounter such a horrible feeling. I'll never be the same inside again. Not since him...not since the horrible whispering he used to do to me in the dark of my room until he was sure my spirit was broken. Not since he'd be the one to pick up the pieces he'd broken me into and tell me tomorrow he'd be different. Not since I believed him. Not since I was almost sure he would kill me and drag me with him to hell.
Not since then...I'll never feel the same.
5/24/05
My Return
11:59 P.M.
Wow...how long has it been? The time flies by in a whilrwind of colors and feelings, leaving me breathless, standing on a stage, holding my high school diploma. Where do I go from here? No one prepared me for what I'd feel that night, laying in a tent with Tessa, Amy, and BV...no one told me I'd love the feeling so much that it would break my heart to know I'd leave it all behind soon. I suppose I'm a late bloomer because I just started to be cool. I left any old feelings I had behind me and now I'm becoming a woman with a life. A life I thought I'd lost when I ended up losing my best friend and making a few new ones. Though the forementioned would insist that it's my fault...I would say that I gave up on disappointments and being taken advantage of. Of course I had a right to because life is a game and you're only allowed a few strikes before you're out. Anyway...imagine, if you would, the most unperfect night. A coleman tent'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">coleman tent'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">coleman tent'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">coleman tent'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">coleman tent'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">coleman tent, piles of sleeping bags'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">sleeping bags'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">sleeping bags'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">sleeping bags'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">sleeping bags'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">sleeping bags and blankets, a farm light that slightly illuminates the area around the backyard, a full moon that hides the shining stars, four people laughing about ridiculous things, and a feeling in the air that...maybe this is finally life. Maybe laying in the tent with Tessa drifting in and out of sleep, shadow puppets, ghost stories, truth or dare minus the dare, theories of life, and soft singing into the night is what I've been missing all of these years of being held back and self conscious. Now it's easy to realize that some people care about you behind your back, not gossip. Maybe this new guy friend you have has been there supporting you even before he realized how awesome you really were...and he insisted upon it to the one person you care about most. If you could relate to that, you'd be me. The last few days I've realized how an amazing of a guy BV is and I wonder how anyone could ever think otherwise ("You better mean what you say or we'll come and find you! Don't mess with my friend or we'll come and find you!"). Apparently he understands me and everyone reads me like a book. I always thought I kept well to myself, but I've been told a lot that I wear my heart on my sleeve. It's not something I understand all the time...but it's something that's a part of me. BV understood it and hinted it to me. He knows what I've been praying for the past 4 years. It was obvious. That one thing always close, but untouchable. It...HE...always will be because he won't let himself be there. Of course, I'm talking about AV. The one guy that confuses me like chinese algebra taught to a German 4-year-old. Even while I was trying to like other guys and getting out in the dating world, my mind was always wandering to him. Everyone thought I cared so much about Nic...but if AV would have said anything, I'd have dropped Nic in a heart beat. And Brody? Though he's one of the coolest guys I'll meet, he was next best thing to his best friend. And BV knew...and Amy knew...And AV knew.
Amy: "I love talking to God...it's like talking to my best friend!"
BV: "That's the way it should be!"
Me: "Sometimes I'll just be talking or singing to myself and I could just imagine he's telling me to get back to work and I saw aloud 'I know what you're thinking and I'm sorry'."
Amy: "I always remember to thank God for what I have...but then I end up asking for things."
Me: "I've tried so hard to not do that. Though sometimes it's tough. I always say: "God, please bless my friends and family and thank you for all the wonderful things in my life...but you know what I'm going to ask for, it's the same thing I've been asking for for four years..." For four years...it's all I want!"
(Silence)
Amy: "What're you thinking about Buddy?"
BV: "I'm trying to figure out what she could possibly want for four years."
Amy: "I know"
BV: "Oh wait, I do too."
Me: Oh really...what's that?"
(silence)
BV: "You know..."
(more silence)
Amy: "Andrew"
Me: Yeah...that obvious, huh?
BV: I always tell him how cool you are...he says he knows. He just feels like such an asshole that he never gave it a chance. I ask him what about now...he thinks it's too late and changes the subject.
And then I laid there, relieved, teary, heart thumping, and quivering pain in my chest. How did it get to this point? How did we let life pass us by and not chase it? If only I knew.
5/26/05
Double Header
8:29 P.M.
Just got back from a baseball game...that we lost. Sadly. Better luck next time, guys! Andrew was playing 1st base, which he's pretty good at! I cheered, but not too loudly because his family was RIGHT behind me. It was a fun experience...skittles, baseball, and the Vosses. Two nights ago I hung out with Curtis, Ooms, and Amy for a while at Ooms' house. Ooms and Curtis had an epic battle with their lightsabers (Help you I will...much to learn you still have)! Then we went to Amy's house and fell asleep to The Lord of the Rings, though we weren't supposed to. We were supposed to watch all three of them and I didn't make it past the part where Frodo meets Aragorn! Ah well, the next morning Amy made us pancakes and we watched Dawn of the Dead. Real cute.
Last night I was at Katie's watching American Idol and finding out that Bo Bice lost, which was sad since we voted for him 362 times. Then we had a Katie Dance Competition Marathon until we decided that perhaps we should watch a real movie. So we went to Kwik Star while listening to Jewel and rented, no joke, My Baby's Daddy and The Stratford Wives. On the way back we were talking about crushes and how there's some you'll just always have a crush on. I realized how pathetic I was because the only guy on my list was AV and it's been him for 4 years. He's pretty much the only reason I don't want to go off to college...I'm afraid I won't find another awesome guy like him. Actually, I'm terrified of it. I'd tell him that, but I'm even more terrified of me leaving and him thinking I'm an obsessed stalker when I'm not...all the time.
I decided, after sitting with my little sister and telling her how to behave and teaching her things...and after singing BV and Amy to sleep...and making sure everyone is always happy all the time...I'm ready to grow up and find a husband and start a family. Not NOW of course...I can at least wait until I'm half through college to find a serious boyfriend! Hehe...that'd be weird if I already have a kid at our five year reunion! Ha, silly.
...though sitting here now, I'd rather not think about it. I'd rather look up and smile at the pictures of me and Amy and Tessa on my desk. I'd rather stare longingly at my guitar and wish to play it. I'd rather think about June 19th and the Warped Tour and how I'll be spending the whole mosh pit filled day with Katie, Candace, AV, BV?, and...others...jamming to RelientK, My Chemical Romance, Motion City Sountrack, The Offspring, Fall Out Boy, and Hawthorne Heights! I'd rather know how a certain someone feels about me so we can both move on with our lives...together or just as friends. I'd rather know that. I'd rather...
I don't know what I want...
6/7/05
Pencil Sketching...
11:14 P.M.
I suppose today was just one of those days where time disappeared in a blink of an eye! I woke up early...which means 10 for me. I came home last night from Katie's after having a mini camping session that ended in me getting a vision splitting migrane, which I've been getting a lot lately. I'm not entirely sure why, but I ended up going home at like...2:30 last night and rocking myself to sleep. When I woke up I decided to just check my mail and look over my website to jot a few changes down. Then I went down stairs and Scott was watching "Something The Lord Made", which is an HBO movie that I've wanted to see since I saw the first preview of it. So I watched that with him and it was WAY GOOD! I also forgot it had one of my favorite actors in it, Alan Rickman, so that was ironic!
Speaking of Alan Rickman and Harry Potter (It's relevant! Alan Rickman is Professor Snape!), I went to the library yesterday before work and rented "The Sorcerer's Stone". I guess I just wanted something new because, don't get me wrong...I'm still a HUGE Lord of the Rings fan and in my eyes it will always be the best book and film series EVER, but you can only read and watch it so many times before you get burnt out. And I don't want to burn out on my favorite series, so I decided to try out a new one! So far, I'm pretty impressed with it. There are a lot of similarites between LOTR and HP, one just has to look for them!
So back to my day! After I watched that I came upstairs and dinked around with some music video stuff then Katie called me! So I went to her house and we hung out while she cleaned her room...it was a disaster, but I had fun! I love Katie! Or should I say, Miss Aplington! But all fun things come to an end and I came home. I watched a little bit of CSI and made some Ramen...showered. I sang a LOT in the shower! It was a free concert for my mom. Normally I'd charge!
After I was clean, I put on my new bathing suit'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">bathing suit and a skirt and have been lounging in that, feeling comfortable! Then I...got back on my computer and looked up picture of Alan Rickman because, well, I'm thinking about adding him to my hot guy list in replace of someone. I'm not sure who yet. I'll get back to you on that one! I found a very distinct picture of him so I sketched it and it looks AWESOME! I'm so talented I surprise myself. Did I mention I was modest?
*sigh*
I'm so BORED right now! I have a thing on MySpace now, if anyone cares...http://www.myspace.com/tarathenerd
Aloha!
6/28/05
Tears
1 A.M.
I had originally planned to tell you all about my beautiful day...venturing out to the movies with Ooms. I think I'll tell you all about it in 3rd person story form.
The rain continued to pound relentlessly on the window and the television wasn't offering the sweet relief it normally promised. All she wanted to do was drown in the musical images until she surrendered to emptiness. She'd been feeling that way a lot...feeling like she'd been choking on nothing in perticular until the bile rose in her throat. Today wasn't special by any means, though she wished it were. Instead, her mind wandered from the hypnotic guitar strumming and angelic Davey voice to the flickering waves of light in the clouds. Eventually the static and blurps of bad reception shook her out of her daydream and landed her in darkness.
"Shit..." The fit outside had finally taken the electricity out. "Damn storm." She'd been doing that a lot too. Swearing. It was a bad habit that was always with her, releasing some of the anger she felt and calming her like a drug. Every word a small fix.
As soon as they had gone out, the lights around her sprang to life. She wished the storm would make up'; return true;" onmouseout="window.status=''; return true;">make up its mind, cause she felt like ripping her hair out.
Off in the kitchen, her mom whined about something or other. It was always the same with the people in her family, always complaining about the simpled minded life they led. No wonder she'd felt so restless. She really neaded to get out. Luckily her watch read 6:30 while the clock was blinking 12:00, reminding her that in three hours she really would be getting out of the house. Not just on an outing, but on an outing with a guy. Of course, he was only a friend.
Yep, lots of hair. And a great deal of fingernail bitting.
The cell phone on the table next to her jolted her, once again, out of another day dream. It was Ooms.
"Hey"
"Hey!"
"It's raining outside"
"Yeah, the baseball game was called off."
"No fun"
"You still wanna go?" There was uncertainty in his voice.
"I dunno, you wanna risk it?"
"It's up to you, buddy"
"Well, are you tough?"
"Tough?"
"Yeah...are you tough?"
"Toughest" She smiled...he really could cheer her up. Perhaps she'd been looking forward to this more than she'd like to admit. Afterall, her life had been becoming nothing short of meaningless the last few days.
"Then we're going to brave it." She decided.
The time came and soon the two were heading off into the most amazing sight she'd ever had the opportunity to lay eyes on. To the west, the sun was setting casting a vibrant orange over the city of Parkersburg. If she'd ever like to keep one image of the town she lived in, she hoped it would be this one. To the left of them, a perfect rainbow, torn between the light and the shadowing clouds. It arched proudly across the sky, the first hint to her that everything would soon be fine. But to the east there was a promise of more rain. It seemed like that's all it ever did anymore was rain. It rained in the morning, in the afternoon, in the evening, and at night. Not one day of the week was safe from the massive swell of clouds and the pouring drops. The stars were never out, nothing for her to wish upon. God did make up for it with some of the most brilliant lightening shows. But she'd give anything to see the shimmer once again.
She didn't let him in on her sadness and masked it with laughter and small talk. It did become easier, talking, but she was so used to being by herself in her room that she forgot really what was funny to the outside world. He didn't seem to mind. The smile on his face made it all come naturally. She'd kill to possess that kind of confidence. That's what always drew her to him. For now work never existed, family never existed, and she wasn't growing up and heading to college. Right then, it was just him and her heading to the movies on a split, rainy day.
So really...the movie was great and gory. The best kind. Romero did it again. Surpised the world with a fourth addition that people have been waiting decades for. Kudos. Plus, I had great company. Eric. We laughed...a lot. Though the sun kicked his butt during the baseball game, I was glad he was up for our little trip. The scenery on the way there was gorgeous, as I previously described. It was a perfect thing to share with someone you love...though I do love Eric, it's not in a way the context of the previous sentence suggests. However, I was surely glad to share it with him just the same. When we got back I dropped him off and was left with a "we should do it again sometime" and a smile. It was good news because I WILL be dragging him to another movie in a few weeks. And I hope he reads this so he's prepared!
There you have it...my night out.
Note: If there are any weird...symbols or like, code on this page, or any others for that matter, I apologize! I've tried so damn hard to get rid of it that it's not even funny! BOO!
Email: PeanutButterJunkie333@aol.com
