I seriously do NOT think I have to worry about people making fun of what I like to do. Fluctuate back and forth between two opinions, I can do that if I want to. I shouldn't spend time doing things that aren't productive. True. What is productive? That's for me to say.

Shame is one of the strongest emotions I realised. Of course, there are many strong emotions but shame, oh shame can make you do many things. It can make you lash out against your loved ones, or hate for no reason, especially yourself. It's so hard to push it away or too remember that it's not real.


I should be working I should be working I should be working I should be working

Nobody want to read all this. I don't want to be left alone but I really don't want you around. I don't want to die; I don't want to live; I'm giving up; oh wait, I gave up a long time ago.

I'm doing much better now thanks, and I decided that I won't judge myself based on how others think I look, rather on how I think I look. Unfortunately, I believe I am the harshest critic.

There is something frightening about having no control. Obviously. But when it comes to the dog, you see, most people have no fear because the dog is small and easily controlled, it has no higher brain functions and even though it may be stronger than you it is easy to enforce your will upon it. Well that would be nice to believe but when an 180lb creature made of solid muscle is wandering around your house, even though he may be the gentlest of creatrues, there is a whisper of fear. He is so cute and gentle yet I can see under that, buryied right beneath all the training and the gentle padded paws is the wild creature. I do not worry for myself. Well maybe a bit, but mostly I worry for my baby. He cannot protect himself. I have crippled him. Or maybe I underestimate the strength left in him. He is a wild thing still. The other will easily defend himself, his blackest of black fur is easy to hide. But my white yellow Max is still sliding on the kitchen linoleum in an attempt to get away. Scrabbling. Bo doesn't understand why. I know he doesn't want to hurt anything. But I can't help being the cynic and I can't help seeing underneath.

Some people are so disgusting. They may not even act disgusting in a traditional sense but they repel me until I feel I want to vomit and get away from them. Run. But they are everywhere and I can't help it. And they lurk behind the best of friends.

Can you survive on water alone? Perhaps I will eat some tuna and crackers and step over the sleeping giant to get upstairs. My stomache aches and I keep changing my mind. I like to eat. I hate to eat. I have to eat? I keep listening to that one song and thinking it wouldn't be so bad, I could get pity yes, and I could hurt myself. But I don't want to hurt my liver. I want my organs to stay healthy. I know I will get cancer. But not until later.