Once in a great while, a movie comes along that changes the face of our existence as we know it. Riveting, pivotal, monumental all do not even begin to describe these masterpieces. You have your Star Wars, you have your Titanic, and then there's Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter.

Jeni Etheridge introduced this cinematic work of art to me July 3, 2004. I'll never forget the day. Damn, I REALLY got you going so far, don't I?

The truth is this "movie" looks like it was shot by a college grad student, and the plot looks like it was written by one. A masterpiece by no means, Jesus' first appearance in the movie takes place on a beach where he fights off lesbian vampires. From there, they hop on the holy moped and start their journey. Who's they? Jesus and a priest with a mohawk. That's right.

This could take a long time to explain, so I'll sum it up the best I can. Jesus doesn't think he can fight off these lesbian vampires, he gets help, help gets killed, he talks to God who's in the form of a cherry cobbler, he gets more help, more help gets killed, Sancho the masked Mexican wrestler arrives as he and Jesus decide to take the war to the lesbian vampires, Sancho falls in love with a lesbian who turns out to be bisexual (AWESOME!), some blond girl keeps getting her ass grabbed-even by Jesus! (and the ass grows bigger in every scene for no reason), they win, and more lesbian kissing. Yup, that should do it.

If you can find this, I dare you to watch it.

This one gets 2.78 crucifixes out of 5.