(I think his name’s Billy Squier)
Scene: at a bridge getting ready to commit suicide
Guy: “I’m so pointless! Just another one-hit wonder, faded into nothingness-what did I accomplish in life? (pause) So pathetic, I don’t-“
(Interrupted by guardian angel)
Angel: “Now you stop right there! What do you think you’re doing, mister?”
Guy: “I’m gonna end-it’s none of your business!”
Angel: “Well, I believe it is; I’m your guardian angel!”
(Guy snorts and laughs)
Guy: “My guardian angel, huh? And here I thought it was the angel dust talking.”
Angel: “OK, enough of this stuff. I’m here to stop you from making a big mistake.”
Guy: “I don’t think killing myself is a mistake-it’s necessary.”
Angel: “Oh really! Necessary for what?”
Guy: “The world to be a better place. My wretched existence has no meaning. I’m worthless!”
(Angel smiles)
Angel: “Oh yeah! Well, I’ll show you what this world would be like without you ever being born.”
Guy: “Sure, sure, whatever. They must’ve sold you the good stuff down on the corner. Did Slinky cut you a good deal?”
Angel: “Shut up! Here we go!”
(Time warp back to 1985)
Scene: Streets of New York City, a fraction of pedestrians there normally is
Guy: “How the fuck did we-“
Angel: “I told you, I’m your-“
Guy: “Holy shit! This isn’t the drugs! This is real!”
Angel: “Dang you’re annoying.”
Guy: “I told you I suck.”
(pause, Angel nods in agreement)
Angel: “That may be so, but your role here is more important than you can imagine. Look at these nearly empty streets.”
Guy: “I thought things looked a bit weird.”
Angel: “Yeah, since ‘The Stroke’ was never created, people are seriously uptight and reluctant to engage in sexual intercourse due to the AIDS scare.”
Guy: “OK, OK, now you’re gonna try to blame AIDS on me.”
Angel: “No, and for the last time, SHUT UP!”
Guy: “Fine then.”
Angel: “Your song had so much impact that it was stronger than the AIDS scare. It helped people feel free. But, without you there to write the song, people just hid in their own fear and gave up sex altogether.”
Guy: “Really?”
Angel: “Yes, and not only that, bars and taverns closed down due to men refusing to barhop and pick up women.”
Guy: “I don’t believe this!”
Angel: “Oh, it gets worse. Due to lack of money coming in from these establishments, the economy collapsed.”
Guy: “COLLAPSED?!”
Angel: “The homeless rate went up 10 times and famine is at an all-time high. The suicide rate among men also went up 12 times, but for some reason the women’s stayed the same. I guess they didn’t miss the sex.”
(Guy wants to run away, but Angel restrains him with telekinetic powers)
Angel: “I ain’t done with you yet, Strokeman. Looting, crimes in general have skyrocketed and left many hiding in their homes daily.”
(Gunshots are fired at this time)
Angel: “Don’t worry, you don’t exist, remember? You can’t die here.”
Guy: “I just can’t believe that a song about foreplay had such a strong effect on everybody. Guardian Angel, I want to live.”
(Cue inspirational music)
(Angel smiles)
Scene: Back at the bridge
Angel: “You’ve seen your importance. My work is done here. I suggest you go home, relax, and work on a follow-up hit single.”
Guy: “Sounds like a great idea. Thank you Guardian Angel. You’ve shown me that I can be a human being with worth. I can have an impact on-“
Angel: “OK, OK, go home!”
Guy: “All right. Thank you again.”
(Guy walks off)
Angel: “Hmm, I got this feeling that I forgot something. Oh yeah, I remember now.”
(Guy gets plowed by a semi a half block away)
Angel: “(laughingly) Oh shucks-I forgot to tell him about that truck and how it was going to kill him. Man, I got him good. Chalk up another one for the G-man.”
(Angel returns to Heaven)
