Of Birds and Bees
Characters:
Dad- About 45 years old. Had neglected to give his son the birds and bees speech until he was 17.
Son- 17 years old. About as smart as his father, though he already does know about the birds and bees.
Thought- A physical representation of the son’s thoughts. Is a female for an unknown reason. Much smarter than the son and often sarcastic in manner.
Set: The son’s room
(The son is on the computer and the thought is nearby. The son and his thoughts are constantly close to each other until his thought begins to wander later on.)
(Knock, knock)
Dad: (off) Hey, can I come in?
Son: What’s up dad?
Dad: Come over here and sit on the bed with me
Thought: Sounds like someone is about to come out of the closet
Son: Uh, sure
Dad: We need to talk
Thought: I hope it’s not about the porn, there’s no way he could have found out about the porn. You should have thrown out those perverted things.
Dad: …about the birds and the bees
Thought: Why that? Why now? He doesn’t pay attention to your life for 5 years and suddenly he’s taking an interest in your social life. Hmph, probably still thinks your girlfriend is the math tutor. And I wish he’ll get off the bed. I just made it.
Son: Ok dad
Dad: So, what do you know about the birds and the bees son?
Thought: Hehe, come on say it. You know you want to. “What are the birds and the bees?”
Son: What—
Thought: No you idiot! Don’t actually say it! I was just joking around.
Son: —are you talking about? Dad, I’m seventeen.
Dad: Yes, and I think it’s about time.
Thought: Just let him talk. It might be good for a laugh or two. Besides, you weren’t doing anything interesting.
Son: (to his thought) But I was looking up porn
Thought: Exactly
Dad: So what do you know about the birds and the bees?
Thought: He already said that
Son: You already said that
Thought: He’s going over the hill (puts hand over son’s mouth before he repeats it)
Dad: Oh yea, that’s right. So, nothing huh? Right then, we’ll start from the beginning. That’s a good place to start. You see son, when the birds love the bees and the bees love the birds and they start getting these other feeling that isn’t quite love. They um…
Thought: Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea. I wonder where the duct tape is?
Son: (to thought) What do you want duct tape for?
Thought: (Makes motion of gagging the father with duct tape)
Dad: Ok, so these other feelings. They’re kind of like urges. It makes them want to…um
Thought: Tell him just to say it (Starts to wander and picks up garbage from the floor)
Son: Dad…why don’t you just say the actual words?
Dad: Wait, wait. Just give me a sec.
Thought: (Throws the garbage at the trash can and misses) Damn
Dad: Well, uh..son have you ever wonder where you came from?
Thought: (Now on computer) K-mart?
Dad: No wait, I have a better example. Ok, back to the urges thing. These urges make people want to “call the stork”
Thought: Don’t say it! It’ll only make him talk longer!
Son: Via email?
Dad: Yes, exactly! That’s exactly what they—no.
Thought: (Starts cracking up) Little slow on the uptake are we?
Son: Dad, how long is this going to take?
Dad: Not long, just another minute alright?
(silent pause, thought is on the floor catching her breath)
Dad: Ok, ok. Let’s call this twitterpation.
Thought: Twitterpation?
Dad: So the urges make people…people twitterpate and the act of it is called twitterpating.
Thought: Then what’s twitterpation?
Son: Then what’s twitterpation?
Dad: Oh, that’s when you twitterpate by yourself. No wait, forget that. The point is…don’t twitterpate unless you really love your…er…bird…or bee ok? Twitterpating makes babies so don’t do it unless you’re ready for a family.
Thought: Bravo (mock clap)
Son: Alright Dad, I get it now. But…uh dad. How do people go about twitterpating exactly?
Thought: I could have told you that, idiot. Remember? Twitterpation is sex.
Son:…right…oh yea…I forgot.
Dad: Well um, that’s a little harder to explain. Er…(pause) Have you ever wonder where that little thingy—
Thought: Little?
Dad:— between your legs came from, er, is for?
Son: Well, I believe that it is used in the process of urination…where excess water and mineral salts are expelled from the body.
Dad: Right, right you are. But there are other uses
Thought: Like sex?
Son: Like se…twitterpation?
Dad: Um…twitterpating, yes. Twitterpation…no
Son: What’s wrong with twitterpation?
Dad: Well er…you see. Twitterpation-ing…ed…no, ing is bad because…because, well because ifyou do it too much you go blind.
Thought: Oh oh, maybe you should invest in a cane, or one of thing cute guide dogs! Cause at this rate, you don’t have much time left.
Son: (to thought) I thought things were getting a little blurry…
Dad: What was that?
Thought: Nothing
Son: Something, I mean, nothing
Thought: Is your hearing going also?
Son: (half-heartedly attempts to swat thought away)
Thought: (goes to watch TV)
(long pause)
Son: So, uh…Evening news was last to go today.
Dad: Excuse me?
Son: Nothing, er…are you done?
Dad: Uh yep, thanks for listening. You can go now. If you have any questions, feel free to ask me ok? That’s what I’m here for.
Thought: No matter how long you take to answer (shuts door) Well, that was interesting. I guess you’ll go back to your twitterpation now. (laughs)
Son: Oh, shaddup.
-FIN-
Notes on this skit: Whoa, whoever thought I'll get started on this stuff? This is the first play thingy that I've posted on my site. It was written by me and my buddy Mike for our english writing class. Mike came up with the original idea and we've both put our parts into the writing while I did the final edit. Originally Mike plays the Son, I play the Dad, and Jen Chiang from our english class helped us play Thought. Now I won't go into why Thought is a female, other than the universe has a sense of humor and is very very cruel to Mike in terms of drama, giving him the nickname "El Strutty" in Little shop, having him mess up a few lines on production, making him look like a woman (I'm sorry, but you said it yourself), making him read the part of a woman...no wait he volunteered to read the part of a woman in "Chester, you owe my bird an apology", and finally this...a son with female thoughts. But the reason we can all pick on Mike (and by we, I, of course, mean the universe) is because Mike is very confident in his masculinity...aren't you? I'm not that sure...he has to keep muttering it before I can remember. And some final notes...this is a long note eh? Twitterpation word thingy idea came from Lindsey Weimer and the inside joke of "Evening News was last to go" came from a play by a guy with the last name Printer. The play is called "Last to go" and basically two guys repeats the same conversation annoyingly over and over with long pauses inbetween and slightly different words