Just a little comedy from yours truly.
Christmas is a time of joy, of love, of care......NO. Christmas is a time to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ. That part I am fine with, because I am a Roman Catholic who celebrates Christmas. But what is with this Santa Claus crap?I mean, if you are good, you get presents. If you are bad, you get coal.
..... Coal? I'd rather have a piece of coal to throw at ugly people than a useless piece of nice fabric. Santa pisses me off. Rewarding people who are naughty or nice? Please. This is the ideal christmas: Santa has 12 horses, which all have red eyes and are black from head to foot, and adorned with large silver spikes. Santa himself is dressed like a business executive. And the nice kids are taken into his sleigh (which is now a giant U-Haul) and those kids are dropped off to hell for not being like real men. The kids who are naughty get baseball bats for Christmas because you know they will be put to good use. Also, Santa abducts Ellen Degeneris and the cast of Friends and takes them to hell too. Christmas rules.
My 2 Cents:
Instead of brainwashing kids to expect presents and such, we should focus on CREATING the moral values of the kids, not material crap that they EXPECT if you buy it for them. There is a present from my mom and dad under the tree for me. I don't want it. It's good enough that I have a freaking house to celebrate in.
PART II = My Christmas Shopping List
Here is what you can buy me:
1) Beef Jerky
2) Tabasco Sauce
3) A new stereo
4) A new TV
5) A new guitar (I'd prefer a Stratocaster)
6) A new house
7) Teddy bear ( teddy bears kick ass)
8) If you are female, a kiss is an acceptable present, but if you are ugly, a gift certificate to some music store will do. ( what hot girl aside from Jenn is going to look at this page anyway?)
9) Steak
10) Some kind of large firearm that doesn't work, so i can scare off the fat kid that always walks down my street with a bar of chocolate telling me that I can't beat down him and his 2 dork friends, who are 3 years younger than me and stand no chance whatsoever. I hate that kid. God hates him too.
Here's what to NOT buy for me:
Clothing unless it has a Metallica logo. I have a lot of other brands.
Don't get me a gift certificate for any store you THINK I might like. Everything sucks. (Except for music stores)
Don't get me food, or I'll kindly take it and put it in the magic cylinder. The cylinder, if I put it in front of my house, everything mysteriously is gone the next morning.
Don't get me a CD. You don't know waht kind of music I like. (Everyone knows I love Metallica but thats besides the point. I will only take CDs from Metallica, Pink FLoyd, Led Zeppelin, and the new Paul McCartney CD)
Don't get me a flashlight.
Don't get me anything cute. Cute = unmanlike, and unmanlike = WUSSY. (except for teddy bears. Ever see a G.I.Joe Teddy Bear? Those things are baaaaaad!)
Haha. Merry Christmas to all my friends and buddies throughout the world. Even if you don't know me, Merry Christmas. To all kids....Merry Ch.... chr.... chriiiiii... iiiiiiiiissss....DENIED!
Ya.