*******

Chapter 7:

The minute I step off of the elevator, I know something is wrong.

They’re all standing there, various states of pissed off and Fred and Harmony have their arms across their chests. This does not bode well for me.

“Hey guys.” I say.

“Don’t ‘hey guys’ us, buddy. We know you haven’t been to a single one of the therapy sessions in two weeks.”

I had hoped they wouldn’t notice, which is pretty stupid of me I’ll admit. I haven’t seen Spike around since I missed the first one. He kept asking if I was going to show up to the therapy session after our little get together in my penthouse.

I kept telling him yes because I had every intention of going and he would smile at me. Nothing overt, just a small smile like he didn’t want anyone knowing that he was happy that I was going to show up.

But, as the time got closer, I just… I couldn’t. I don’t honestly know why. I just felt trapped. Like if I went I’d be going down the rabbit hole into something I wasn’t so sure I wanted. Something I was almost sure was a bad idea.

So I didn’t go and I didn’t go the next time either and know this is my punishment.

“Look, I just… I don’t think therapy is for me.” I say as I take a seat in my chair.

“Well this isn’t about you Angel. This is about Spike.” Fred says.

“I know that.” I say.

“So why are you being such an ass, man. It’s just a little couch time.” Gunn says.

“The past we have… the history we’ve accumulated… it’s better to just leave that in the past and not talk about it.”

“How is he ever supposed to get better for him, if you won’t at least try to help?”

“That’s not my problem.” I say.

They’re all glaring at me now and I can’t believe it. I mean they’re supposed to be my team, my friends and they’re hanging all over Spike.

“How can you not want to help him? You seemed like you wanted to in the beginning. What changed?” Fred asks.

“There are… things… look, what about me? Why is everyone tiptoeing around Spike trying to make him better? Yeah he gets better if I admit all my deepest, darkest secrets, but what does that leave me with?” I say.

They share looks with each other, none secretive and it seems that they pick Lorne to be the one to speak up because he lets out a deep sigh and rubs his forehead.

“Angel, sweetie, we were kind of hoping you’d be able to help each other.” He says.

I hadn’t really thought of it that way. It just seemed like they were trying to make Spike’s life better and maybe that’s because I wasn’t listening to what they were saying very clearly, but it just seemed that way.

“We’re not asking you to start skipping around the office holding hands together, but… two birds with one stone, you know.” Gunn says.

“It’s not two birds with one stone.” I say.

“Angel, most of us can’t understand what you’re going through. I mean I can barely even figure out what’s going on in that pretty little head of yours and I’ve got the upper hand here. I think it would be good for you to talk about… everything.”

He says it so secretively. Full of hidden meaning and I know about his ability to tell if someone’s had sex, but I didn’t have sex with Spike. Or maybe he can sense the kissing too.

I think maybe he does. Maybe he knows more and I kind of hope that he hasn’t told anyone because it’s fairly hard to explain. Not that I think Lorne doesn’t have a pretty good idea about it all, but I think, if they’re gonna hear it, they should hear it from me, not him.

By the way he’s looking at me… I can tell that he hasn’t told them. That he’s waiting for me to drop that bomb and I lean back in my chair.

“Look… I get where you guys are coming from. Really I do. You think that if I talk about what’s happened with me that I’ll be able to… I don’t know. I’m not sure what you guys are thinking is going to happen if I go there and talk about my past.”

“Maybe you won’t be as brooding.” Gunn says.

“No, he’ll always be that brooding. There’s something bothering you. Maybe it has nothing to do with Spike. Maybe it was something to do with something we don’t know about.” Wesley says.

I’m not sure what he’s talking about. I think I’ve been pretty much the same as I’ve always been. And yeah the whole incident with Connor really go to me. I’m not going to deny that. I think about him all the time.

I don’t need Spike and his problems. Not when I have all of my own problems and that’s why I don’t want to go in. At least a big part of the reason. It’s selfish, yes, and I could probably go into the therapy session and talk about everything that every happened between us, but it would unleash all my problem as well.

“I’m fine.”

“You’ve never been fine, Angel.” Wesley says.

“I’m the same then.”

“I don’t doubt that.”

“So then what do you want from me?” I say.

“The truth, really. You’re not afraid of the pain. You live with pain everyday.”

“So then what would I be afraid, Wes.” I ask.

He looks as though he’s thinking about it for a few moments, thoughtful expression on his face. He opens his mouth a few times, nothing coming out and he looks frustrated for a few minutes before sound comes out.

“I don’t know.”

I stare at him for a few moments, looking at him as he shakes his head and seems to come with the realization of something.

“If you find out… maybe you can tell me.” I whisper.

He looks up, something flashing on his face and he sighs.

“I imagine you’ll find out before I do. At least… I hope you do.”

It’s the last thing he says before he walks out, everyone else staring at him oddly like he’s some kind of deserter or something. They shake it off quickly and turn back to Angel.

“He may be able to let it go, but we’re not going to. You made a promise Angel.” Harmony says.

“I know that.”

“So why are you going back on it?”

I like them, at least Fred and Gunn and Lorne and okay Harmony sort of grows on you like a fungus. I like them, but that doesn’t mean I’m not annoyed with them.

“It’s none of your business.” I say, practically growl.

They all look a bit shocked. Harmony glares at me before stomping off, hair flipping behind her. Gunn and Fred stay a bit longer, both looking like they want to say more, but not sure what to say.

I watch as they make attempts, but, frustrated, they both leave.

“So… Wesley might not have any idea why you’re pulling the avoidance card, but I think I might have some.” Lorne says.

He sits down in the chair in front of my desk and I glare at him.

“Really.”

“Might have something to do with the fact that you made out with Spike.”

I glare at him.

“You can still tell.”

“Not anymore, but when it first happened. Thought I was out of my mind, but then I realized it made sense. Old love… no one likes to remember that.”

“I didn’t love him.”

“Maybe not the normal way, but you did love him.”

“No, vampires can’t love.”

“So Spike never loved that Slayer, right. Buffy was her name.”

“No.” I say, but it’s a lie.

Spike probably did love her, despite what he told me about not really loving her. Because Spike was always capable of feeling things that Angelus deemed as human.

“It makes sense. You always hurt the ones you love. You hurt Buffy because she made you feel human. Maybe it’s the same thing with Spike.”

“I hurt Spike because he was mine.”

“To do with whatever you wanted right. Made you feel things. So when you got your soul, when you have your soul, you feel it stronger. And when you lost it you realized exactly what he was making you feel.”

“Wow, Spike should go to you Lorne. You really nailed it.” I say sarcastically.

The truth is… he’s quite possibly right. Not that I’ll ever admit that.

“I offered. He declined. Said I might be too close to the problem. You know I recommended Sarah.”

“Of course you did.”

“She’s good at her job.”

“Of course she is.”

“And she’d just love to delve into your psyche.”

“I bet she would.”

Lorne smiles at me. Entwines his hands and looks directly at me. He studies me for a few moments before he opens his mouth.

“You’re still doing it, Angelcakes.”

“Doing what?”

“Punishing Spike because of how you feel about him. He doesn’t deserve that. No one does really.”

“So either way I lose.”

“No, this way you both do. Are you really willing to make Spike’s life terrible because you can’t deal with your feelings?”

“I don’t want to…”

“I know.”

I scowl at him.

“You don’t even know…”

“I can guess. You don’t want to care about him. You don’t know why you care about him. You don’t want to examine anything about yourself that would make you happy.”

“If I’m happy, it’s not good.”

“Who says it’s perfect happiness? Who says the curse even exists with us here?”

I look up at him, startled.

“Does it?” I ask.

He smiles sadly at me.

“Unfortunately, it does. But that doesn’t mean anything. You could get rid of it with all the resources here. But I don’t think you’d have to. With Spike… you’ll always remember everything you did. You’ll never forget it.”

I nod.

“But… that’s really the point to it, isn’t it.”

TBC

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