Cavemen Always Win
"This goes all the way down. So I figure, there's some bloke, in New Zealand or some place looking down at us. There's a hole in the world. I guess I just feel like we should have known about it." Spike says.
I look at him. I understand what he's trying to say. I do, I really do... it's just, I can't loose another one. Then I see his face. It's lurking in those shadows. He's next to Spike, right next to him just looming there. Spike doesn't seem to notice he's there. His face flickers from that green spiky face that's haunted my dreams for awhile now. He's looking at Spike with a smirk on his face.
"Some of yer best work, eh Angel." He says mocking me just a little.
"I... I don't... what are you talking about?" I ask knowing some how this question can lead to no good.
"Brutal killer, innit he? Something feared and revered just like you wanted him to be. Just like you wanted him to be when you found him in that dark alley, Drusilla sucking on his neck taking his life's essence. Just had to have him. You think I'm the first Angel, just look at this one right here. He's the first." He says and he shifts back to his human visage.
Those blue eyes stare at me. They're kinda like Spike's only Doyle's are softer. Probably the humanity, but they seem lighter almost brighter.
"I'm just trying to save my friend. Fred... Fred means a lot to me. It's not right to just let her die." I say with as much self-righteousness as I can manage.
"Push the whole world into the brink of death for one girl. She'd be happier dead, Angel. She'd come here, where I am. Where true heroes lie. Certainly no place you'll ever see in your lifetime." Doyle says to me and I can't help but wonder why Spike hasn't told him to piss off or something remotely pissed off and British sounding, but then I look and he's not there.
"Where's Spike?" I ask him.
"Somewhere safe. Somewhere far away from your terror, for now anyways. Because we both know he'll never truly be safe from you now will he." Doyle says.
"So, what the powers sent you to be all cryptic and stuff. Please spare me. I'm going to save her." I say.
"But what if you can't. What if it's not meant to be? Would you let her die?" Doyle asks.
"She's not going to die. I'm going to save her. I have to save her." I say.
"Oh now spare me the renegade hero crap. You don't have to safe anybody but yourself Angel. Poor Cordy got her one visit and it still didn't knock any sense into you. You're on a downward spiral my friend. This is only the beginning." Doyle says and I'm starting to get pissed with all this cryptic crap.
"Get out of my way. I will save her." I say marching towards him fully prepared to do anything and everything in my power to save the girl. Gotta save the girl.
"Make me." Doyle says challengingly.
And I do, make him that is. I push him and he falls and I can hear the scream as he falls down that stupid hole in the world. The one that's meaningless and the one that I despise.
"Would you do the same to me? Would you push me down that hole? Are you so far gone that you don't see yourself? You don't see the people around you and how they crumble. Was my visit so meaningless that you just don't care?" And now Cordelia is standing between me and my way out. Me and my way to save her.
"No, I just... I don't understand. You don't understand. What are you trying to tell me?" I ask feeling a little more hopeless then I would have liked.
Cordy's dead and Doyle's dead and it's my fault, but they can't hurt me. They can't stop me. I have a mission.
"You don't even know what that mission looks like anymore. You're struggling. You're trying to find some semblance of the past, but it's not there. You've fallen, Angel. You're nothing but a fallen Angel. Nothing can change that." Cordelia says with such hatred in her voice that all this can't be real.
She's never hated me before... except when I was him.
"Go ahead. Do it. Push me down that hole, but it'll never be filled Angel. You can never even begin to fill it... until you let go. Until you realize your true worth. So push me as well and push us all down. As long as you come tumbling with us." She says and I see them behind her.
Wesley, Gunn, Fred and countless of faceless people. I don't know whether I've killed them or saved them. There's too many of them. I can't get passed them. So I do the only thing I know how to do. I begin to push them. I hear their screams as they fall down the hole. I hear them crying to me as I push them down. Wesley, Fred and Gunn are the first to be pushed. They're pleading with me to stop, but I can't hear them. I can't hear anything.
Then, then I just don't care. I'm pushing everyone down. I'm taking them down one by one and I just can't seem to stop myself. I can't stop this ... burning that's crept down inside my bones. It's there and I can feel it and it hurts like a motherfucker and I don't know what I'm supposed to do. So I push them. I push them and all I hear are screams. Screams or help and mercy, but I can't find it in myself to give them that. So I push them down that hole in the world and I can't stop myself from doing it. There's too many, though.
There's just too many. I see them all falling down the hole and yet every time I push down one a million more come forth. I can see her... I can see Cordy in the front blocking whatever it is that's so special people think they have to keep it away from me. I just keep pushing through the millions of bodies that stand in my way
My bones ache and my head hurts and my feet feel like they've been caring dead weight, but I can't help it. I'm on a mission. Gotta... save... I'm not even sure any more just know that I gotta save.
I gotta save whoever it is that needs this much saving. So I push on and when I finally get to Cordelia she's looking at me with this peaceful look. This look that says I know all the secrets and no matter what you do to me you'll never known them. They aren't for you to know. I'm not supposed to know, but I'm selfish so I wanna know.
"You want to know who you're supposed to save Angel. It's not me. It's not Doyle. It's not Fred or Gunn or Wesley. I'll say it once and I'll say it again. You're supposed to save yourself." Cordy says to me as though I'm supposed to understand what she means by that.
"What do you mean? How? How am I supposed to save myself? Why... what's wrong with me?" I beg her to tell me what she means.
"Would you throw me down the hole to save the world Angel? Would you throw me down like you did the others?" Cordy asks and I'm more then a little confused.
"I don't understand. Why are you changing the subject? Stop being so damn cryptic." I yell at her in frustration.
"Answer the question, Angel." Cordy says calmly.
"Yes... yes okay yes. It's my mission. It's what I was sent back to do. It's all I have left do you understand that. Do you get it yet? Can you get it? I would kill you if it meant saving the world." I yell at her and suddenly she jumps.
She jumps to the bottomless pit of the hole I stare at her blankly. I'm only. I hear something open. I hear... a door. Could it be Drogan? No it's isn't Drogan. It's someone else. I turn around and see him standing there. That smirk hands firmly placed on his denim covered hips. His head cocked ever so slightly to the side and that same knowing expression on his face.
"And that is why you need saving hero. Not because you're dying. Not because you're the damsel in distress. Not because you view every case as one step closer to that almighty redemption, but because you're just some mindless drone doing the Powers that Be's biddings. You're not a real hero... not anymore... a real hero knows why they fight. You don't have a clue anymore." Spike says to me.
"I fight because I have to. Because it's right. Because I can. That's why I fight." I say to him with as much confidence as I can muster up.
"But is it what you want. You've been told before you've got turn your brooding self into something that resembles a human. Do you resemble a human, Angelus? Are you a human? No a human has real emotions and can express them. All your feeling is gone." Spike says.
"No, I can feel. I can feel pain when one of my friends dies or gets hurt. I feel pain when I can't save some innocent bystander. I feel guilt." I say.
"What of happiness and want and freedom. No you don't have these feelings. So you're going back to the beginning. You're going to find yourself and you may not like what you find, but it's better then being dead isn't it." Spike says and he pushes me and I'm falling.
I'm falling down the hole and I can see Spike staring at me. He's mouthing something. Something that I think it supposed to make sense, but it's not. It's all just words and noise and I'm still falling.
I look at him again and he's smiling. He's smiling at me with that know it all smile and I wonder what he really knows. I wonder what I'm supposed to learn here because right now all I'm doing is falling. I'm falling really fast and I can't seem to stop myself from falling. And then his words hit me.
So you're going back to the beginning. You're going to find yourself and you may not like what you find, but it's better then being dead isn't it.
But I can't seem to figure out what they mean.
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