I toss & turn, no sleep this night,
My mind again aflight, pondering, wondering
Of things that could be, should be, would be
Frustration at all of this
My thoughts endlessly churning, burning with confusion
So many unanswered questions,
looming on the forefront of my mind
And in vain I search, yet never find
This pain that never seems to recede, it impedes
It comes and goes as it pleases,
Thinking at times it’s over, it teases, and creeps back in
It’s maddening, saddening, taking me by storm
Taking me for a ride I can never get off
I cry out to You, O God, asking why
Seeking these answers You keep hidden from me
Not understanding why I must endure this
Feeling like I might go insane at this
Feeling like I’m taking the blame for this
And trying to accept that which is now
But I find no solace there, and how?
My being still in need of repair
Things better than they were, I’m still not quite there
The road ahead seems hard,
It looms on forever so unreal and long
but I’ll stay strong
And I will guard my heart well, with it being so weak,
It being crushed, torn, toyed with
But I cannot accept defeat,
This year has been longer than it should
And never easily forgotten
Yet I know in my heart
As long as I grow and I learn,
It won’t be in vain.
So let these restless thoughts wrestle on,
In time they will wear down, and give up and move on
And what “is” will be accepted
and what “will be” can be worked towards
and knowing the outcome is beyond my control,
I’ll do the best I can
And try to enjoy this journey we call hardship because
“Weeping lasts for the night,
yet joy comes in the morning.”
*excerpt at end from Psalm 30:5*