Limbo
You's eyes hurt. It could only be something like four in the morning.
Camui had rolled over in his sleep, waking him. You was still in between
dreams and consciousness. His eyes were still wet with tears of sleep that he
only wished he could muster before Gackt, so that he might understand the pain
he caused. You couldn't maintain anger at the man, though. He could not
shake the fascination.
So he just sat and stared, his eyes adjusting to the dark. He
watched Camui's back as his arm, slumped over onto a pillow by his head, rose
and fell with the rhythm of his chest. Again, Camui had turned his back to
You, though this time it was in a literal sense. You traced the bumps of
Gackt's spine one by on, analyzing every vertebrae. Gackt was so very
thin. Thin and firm. You shifted his hips as he grew aroused.
You hated that feeling. That every time Camui hurt him, every time he
grew to feel like little more than Camui's harlot, the fury could be
dissolved by Camui's beauty, by his words, by the tears he cried in his
sleep. Camui's sleep was never without them. Camui would never sleep
comfortably, he would toss and turn, and the tears would flow.
"Kikoeru... Kikoeru... Taskete..." [1] he
would mutter in a tortured voice. You could not deny that Gackt was never
without pain either.
You reached over Gackt's face, gently tracing a tear down his
cheek with his finger. He wanted to reach his arms around him and wake him
from the nightmares, but a part of him wanted Gackt to hurt like he did. To
feel that deep, dark, terrible feeling of reaching out with all your might to
no avail. If You was to feel that in every day, he would have Gackt feel it
in every night. You knew that if he woke Gackt and told him how he loved
him, he would again recieve the same ambiguous response. You knew that no
matter what he did to show how he loved Camui, he could still just as easily
be in bed with Ren again the next night. You's hatred found it necessary to
let Gackt suffer as retribution. You's love found it necessary to have them
share that feeling, even if it was on two different planes of reality.
It was all like a game. It was all a matter of You's love and hatred for
Camui dancing an intricate little dance with each other. There was no denying
either of them. You would give Gackt everything, if Gackt could just say "I
love you." If Gackt would make it real. You grew tired of Gackt's ambiguous
speeches about how he felt so close to everyone in the band. You found it
all to be such a lie. It wasn't about feeling close. It was a consolation
prize. Gackt couldn't be more distant from any of them. He thought that if he
just gave them his body, they wouldn't lament the loss of his soul.
You hated the erection he had from looking at the man. He felt defeated.
He felt like an addict. And in the most hateful and loving way, he leaned
over Gackt, running his fingernails gently up his stomach and over his chest
as he put his lips to Gackt's ear and began to whisper.
"Can you hear me in
your dreams, Camui? You selfish bastard, can you hear me? I love you so...
my heart pounds whenever you are near... all I want is to be one with you...
to heal your pain... to hold you up when you are weak... but all you want me
to be is your whore. Do you expect me to be grateful, Camui? Grateful for
what? I reach out to you... desperate to GIVE... I want to give myself to
you... but I am nothing to you... just a warm body, is that it? I'll tell you
a secret. I suffer for you every time I kiss you. I die a little more on
the inside every time. I feel such torment that I can't describe. I can
feel those soft lips against mine... they feel so beautiful pressed against
me... but I can feel their emptiness. Do you think I'm a fool, you beautiful
monster? Do you know that I'm onto you?"
You kissed Gackt on the neck, gently and slowly. "I'll keep making love
with you though," You whispered, "but I know that no matter how much we make
love, we will never share it. Are you happy? This is what you have created
Camui."
You stroked another tear from Gackt's cheek. "These
tears... are they for me now? Do you love me in your sleep Camui? Do you
know how you push me away? Oh how you torture me... part of me knows you
don't know how to let me in... but would you?"
Tears rolled down You's eyes
and he continued to whisper, "We'll stay like this. Because you can never
answer me when I have the courage to ask you. If I give you my love, you
will keep using me, wether you know you are or not. If I make you suffer for
my grief, then I will lose you. I can't have either. So I will stay here
with you Camui. With nothing but a far off hope that maybe you will
understand one day. I will keep giving you my body if you will not accept my
soul. You son of a bitch. You sad, sick, confused child. My love... my
dearest love... I will stay here and burn with you forever."
And then there was silence. You lay nestled against Gackt, his hand
resting on Camui's chest, his fingers gently resting on his neck. You buried
his face in Gackt's shoulder and drifted off to sleep.
And as You slept,
Gackt's tears kept flowing, and his lips parted, and he whispered, "Gomen na
sai... honto ni... kimidake o aishiteru... "[2]
~owari~
[1] "Please listen to me... please help me... "
[2] "I'm so sorry... I truly love only you... "
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