Chapter Fifteen

Zac

When Taylor arrived back from LA he looked like shit, I thought the time away would have made him a lot happier and more relaxed. He stormed through the door, gave everyone a brief hello and made a speedy rush to his room. I went straight to the bearau and looked for the document I suspected would be missing, my thoughts were confirmed when it was missing, and I kicked myself for not realizing earlier.

Taylor didn't even bother coming to dinner that night, so once Claire made her way to her room for an early night, I thought I'd go and find out exactly what was going on with Taylor. He was asleep when I let myself in; I had a look around, but never finding anything that could confirm my suspicions.

I was just about to leave when Taylor turned over "what the hell are you looking for Zac", he didn't look too pleased, I decided to come clean, "I'm looking for your passport actually", I said my tone more accusing than I intended it to sound. He looked at his jacket then back to me, "why", was all he said. "Well it's not in the bearau with everyone else's and I know for a fact you haven't just spent the week in LA". He looked a little surprised.

He swallowed then asked "what makes you think that", I could tell he was a little nervous. "Because whenever we go on Andy's boat you spend all your time soaking up the sun, and as you haven't got much of a tan I'd say you've been somewhere a lot colder than LA". He looked away, at first then back to me, his expression was one of defeat. "So, what if I haven't been to LA, what does it matter".

"You've been to see her haven't you", I said disappointed that he'd gone back on what was agreed. He nodded his head to the affirmative, and added "Don't worry Zac, I won't be going again", he turned over and closed his eyes. I had no idea what had gone on between Taylor and Crystal, but I could see it wasn't good. But at that moment I was more interested in making sure Claire didn't find out about it.

Claire went home the next day, she never found out about Taylor's little trip to see her mother, but the way Taylor was behaving I knew there was something pretty seriously wrong. He virtually kept himself locked up in his room while we were at home. Thankfully we went back to New York a week later to do some promotional work before the tour started. He seemed a little happier once he had something to keep his mind occupied. But one thing for sure he never mentioned Crystal, not once.

I'd spoken to Claire every day, she said she was concerned about her Mom, ever since she arrived home, her Mom had seemed withdrawn and was crying herself to sleep at night. Claire was in turmoil over it because she knew her Mom wouldn't talk to her about Taylor, and couldn't understand what had gone so wrong to cause it while she was away.

Once the tour started Taylor was starting to get back to his usual annoying self, he still hadn't wanted to talk about Crystal so I thought I'd bring the subject up over dinner one night. "I was talking to Claire last night, she seems really worried about her Mom, she's been locking herself in her room and crying at night when she thinks Claire's asleep and can't hear her", I looked at Taylor then at Ike, hoping he'd help the conversation along a little. "Hmm, I wonder what's up there", Ike added, we both looked over at Tay for his contribution. He looked up, and added "Yeah, I wonder", and carried on eating again.

Ike wasn't satisfied with Tay's answer, so questioned on further, I thought he'd have a bit more response than I did. "Have you heard from Crystal Lately Tay", Ike asked. He shook his head and carried on eating. "Well, why don't you give her a call to see how she's doing". Taylor stood up, picked up his glass of water, took a sip and said "you call her, it's nothing to do with me anymore", with that he walked away.

Once Taylor knew we knew he and Crystal weren't talking anymore, he stopped holding back his feelings, and the charade that followed showed how distraught he really was over the situation. I guess he decided there's no point trying to cover up the pain he was feeling any longer. He never came back to the hotel that night at all, when he arrived in the morning he was still drunk from the obvious heavy drinking session from the night before. That's how it went on every night after that, Taylor drew further into himself, and drank heavier and heavier as time went on.

About two weeks later I'd managed to speak to Crystal briefly on the phone, she wasn't saying much either, she did ask how he was, and called me lair when I told her he was as upset as Claire had reported her to be. She told me she'd seen pictures of Taylor in compromising situations in public with several different young girls on the Internet. I had no idea what my brother had been getting up to, but it was clear to Crystal that he was well and truly over her and out on the dating game again. I couldn't convince her otherwise either, but managed to convince her it was only because he was drunk all the time that he was behaving like that.

The next few months, we were on tour; Taylor had this routine going on, that was quickly becoming a ritual. After every concert he'd get back to the hotel and head straight for the bar. He wouldn't leave the bar until he'd drunk enough to stop him feeling anything at all; he'd stagger back to the room and fall on his bed barely conscious.

He'd cry himself to sleep, some nights he'd get up in the middle of the night crying. I would get up and sit with him, or cuddle up to him on the bed, giving him as much comfort and hopefully some sort of security. Sometimes it would work, sometimes it wouldn't, I knew he was just drowning his sorrows and would eventually snap out of it, but I was starting to get worried. It got so I'd wait up for him every night, not being about to sleep until he returned from his nightly escapades.

The mornings after were no better; he'd spend about twenty minutes throwing up in the toilet every morning. I tried to comfort him, but he usually shrugged me off, it wasn't as easy when he was sobering up, especially when he partly blamed me and my relationship with Claire for his unhappiness.

.

The nights we were in the Bus he'd have a bottle of vodka stashed in his bunk, and knock it back until he had finished it before collapsing on his bunk in a drunken slumber. Sometimes I'd try to stop him drinking, but it always ended up in us fighting, as much as I hated seeing him like this, I hated fighting with him more. He was my brother and I loved him, but I was starting to panic and worry about his sanity, and our future as a band. I knew it couldn't go on so I decided to try to talk to him.

The night before I was flying to see Claire for the few days we were off, I went to the bar to find Taylor. " Tay listen, I'm going to see Claire tomorrow, come with me", he looked over, it was only 9.00 PM, he was already half drunk and starting to slur. "What the fuck for", he seemed pissed I'd even brought the subject up.

"You can see Crystal, talk to her and sort this mess out. She's hurting as much as you are", I knew it was what he really wanted, but he was stubborn and wasn't giving in.

"Oh is she really, well that's just tough, she knows what she's got to do, I'm not running back to her, not this time, she can come to me". He sounded so bitter. "Oh and Zac, before you go trying to be Mr fix it, tell the truth, don't go telling her any lies like you did me". I was shocked I had no idea what he was talking about. He continued, "Before I went back to LA, you told me she said she loved me, you lied you fucking asshole, she didn't love me, and I went running over there and made myself look like a right prick". I don't think I'd ever seen Taylor so angry in my life.

I was scared to leave him while I was in London, I was scared what he'd get up to, but I had to go. Ike assured me he'd keep an eye on Taylor make sure he didn't drink too much. I had to find out what was going on with Taylor and Crystal, I knew Crystal would talk to me if I got her on her own.

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I arrived in London on an earlier flight than I had arranged with Claire. I got to Crystal's house just as she was sitting down to a cup of coffee, she poured me one and we sat together talking, mostly about the tour and Claire, The subject of Taylor was never mentioned. I was waiting for the right time to speak to her about Taylor, but needed to get on with it before Claire arrived. So I plunged in feet first.

"Anyway, how have you been yourself Crystal", she looked at me and smiled, "I'm great", she said very unconvincingly. "Well, to be quite honest you don't look too great, you look like you haven't had a good nights sleep in months, which is funny because there's someone looks just the same at home". I'd reeled her in she was intrigued. "Oh…who's that then", she asked, as if she didn't know, as she sipped her coffee. "Taylor, he's pretty much in a bad state all the time these days". I finished, that was all the information I was giving until I found out what was going on. She was silent.

"And Crystal, you always had this glow about you, like you were so full of life, you always seemed to be happy and make everyone around you happy. I remember when Claire was in hospital, you still had that glow then, but not now". I felt bad prying into her inner feeling like this, but she looked so sad and I wanted to get to the bottom of what was going on with her and Taylor. "You know, Taylor's lost that gleam in his eye too, it's silly your both miserable, can't we sort it out".

"I guess it's my fault, he won't answer my calls Sac, he deletes my e-mails, and won't answer the phone when I call. I don't really know what else to do, has he said why he won't talk to me". She looked so hurt, and childlike it was pitiful to watch her.

"He thinks you don't love him", I said hoping I was on the right tracks. "How can he think that", she shook her head. "Well, did you tell him you love him", I asked, knowing full well she didn't.

"I can't Zac",

"Why not, you love him don't you". I wanted to hug her she looked so hurt and upset.

"Oh god, more than anything Zac, I really miss him, it's like ………like…there's something huge missing in my life, like there's just nothing left without him, I just feel so empty".

"You have to tell him Crystal, he needs to hear it". She looked straight at me then at her hands twisting in her lap, she was scared and I had to find out why.

"I just can't Zac", I picked up her hand and held it in mine, turning her head to face me with the other. "Then tell me why you can't tell him".

She looked me in the eyes; she was summoning up the courage to bare her all to me. It was a lovely sight, and I felt honoured she trusted me enough to tell me. She wouldn't tell anyone else, Claire couldn't even get her to mention Taylor, and here she was telling me all her fears, her feelings for my brother, the person she should really be telling but can't.

"I can't tell him because to me saying I LOVE YOU is a commitment, it's a commitment I can't make to Taylor, not now, not ever".

"But why Crystal, he loves you so much you know that".

"I know he does, that's why it's so hard not to tell him".

"Then just tell him", what have you got to loose.

"That's just it Zac, I have everything to loose, if I make that commitment there's no going back. I'd want to keep him, but I can't because he's forbidden to me".

She continued "Claire won't allow me to see him, so if I make that commitment, I loose Claire. If I don't tell him I loose him. Making that commitment just makes it harder to give him up. We can't sneak around forever, someone sometime will find out". Her lip was quivering, she started to cry again, I leaned forward and cuddled her. "Don't you see Zac, either way I loose him, and I don't know how I can live with it". I held her while she cried, she eventually stop and pulled away.

"What about all those girls he's been seeing, he's looked so happy in those pictures. I thought he'd moved on, I thought he'd forgotten me, I thought I'd lost him to be honest", she looked defeated.

"No", I said turning her chin to look at me, "remember this, don't believe what you see, all those pictures are not want they seem, he puts on a brave face, he always has. He hides his true feeling for the camera, he's just friendly with those girls, and he has never had any of them in his room, ever. They mean nothing to him, you have to believe that," I smiled and she nodded.

I held her tight and turned off the tape recorder, I felt bad recording that conversation, but I had to prove to Taylor he was wrong, and then maybe he could move on and just get his life back to a respectable level.

Once I was back home, things seemed a little better, I think Ike had managed to sort things out with Taylor a little, made him see it wasn't just his career he was ruining when he spoke out of line during interviews and turned up for them drunk and unwashed.

The media had sensed that there was something really wrong with the once squeaky clean Taylor Hanson. I knew from experience that if he didn't sort himself out and stop drawing attention to himself, they would make it their business to find out exactly what was going wrong in his life to make him act so out of character. I know that could lead to disaster for everyone including me, they could easily trace Taylor back to Crystal, then realize she's the mother of his little brothers girlfriend, then all hell would break loose.

I didn't give Taylor the tape to listen to, but I kept it in case I needed it in the future. My birthday party was a week away, and I hadn't told Taylor, but Crystal was going to come to the party as a surprise.

We had an interview I knew it was being broadcast in London too, so I phoned Crystal to watch it, she asked me to let her know when we were going to be on TV. But after the interview I was glad Crystal got to see it, because she would have seen what state of mind Taylor was in at this point. He turned up to the interview half cut, and looking like he'd just dragged himself out of bed.

They started off with the usual tour questions, then the girlfriend questions came up, and it pissed Taylor off more than usual.

Interviewer: "So guys, what do you think of all these older women being part of your fanbase nowadays".

Ike: It's pretty cool, we always wanted a wider audience, and the lady's are pretty cool too.

Zac: Well it's cool, at least they don't scream.

Taylor: Women are like fine wine, they improve with age.

He swayed in his seat, it didn't go unnoticed by the presenter, " Taylor, would you like to elaborate on that a little". He looked at him strangely before saying "No thank you", the audience roared with laughter.

Interviewer: Okay guy's everyone wants to know have you got girlfriends at the moment.

Ike: Yeah I do.

Zac: I do, she's an angel.

Taylor looked at me, "oh right Zac, she isn't an angel at all", he looked at the audience then to the presenter. "She's a Bitch actually". I was fuming; I wanted to knock him out cold right there. I nudged him, and settled for a deathly stare.

Interviewer: Oh Zac, it looks like Taylor could be jealous.

Taylor was annoyed, "You know nothing about me, so shut up". The interviewer was, annoyed then too, he wanted to cut the interview short. But Taylor continued. "No I don't have a girlfriend at the moment, I am in love with the most incredible woman you could ever wish to meet. I thought she loved me but I guess I was wrong". The interviewer looked at Taylor, and abruptly said, "I can see why she doesn't love you". With that, Taylor got up and left the stage. At that moment I thought my world had ended, I knew we'd be in trouble with Dad and our manager for this one.

We managed to sort out Taylor's little indiscretion at the interview with the management, we managed to convince Dad that Taylor was just in a bad mood, and we had been fighting before we went on stage. We sat through the lecture from Dad about always giving the right impression, and then thankfully it was all forgotten.

The afternoon of the party I picked Claire and Crystal up from the airport, and took them to their hotel near our house. I left to get ready and said I'd sent a car to collect them later. I was starting to get excited, I knew as soon as Taylor saw Crystal he would just let down his guard and let her back in.

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