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Steve Answers Your Questions

Send me your questions, and I will give my best monkey-like answer.


Today's (07/17/01) question:
Dear Steve,

How do you feel about genetic engineering? Recently, I heard that it is possible to splice rabbit and bear DNA to make some kind of super creature; but is this wrong?

Mad Scientist

ANSWER:
Dear Mad Scientist,

First, let me say that this bunny-bear creature must be pretty darn cute! As far as whether it's right or wrong to mess with the DNA of rabbits and bears, well, I guess I would say if we weren't meant to do it, we wouldn't be able to do it, or the world would blow up or something. This monkey personally believes that all animals are best as nature makes 'em, but this really depends on the creature that is created. For example, a cute bunny-bear is one thing. A shark-hawk or a pirhana-wolf is totally different. I hope my advice helps you!

Steve


05/21/01 question:
Dear Steve,

One of my favorite old movies is the "Planet of the Apes" series. In your opinion, who was the smartest of the "Apes"?

Curious George

ANSWER:
Dear Curious George,

Well, being the sweet natured guy that I am, I'd have to say Cornelius. He's pretty smart and nicer to humans than Dr. Zaius. A kindler, gentler monkey, if you will.

Steve


05/10/01 question:
Dear Steve,

Why do good people have bad things happen to them and bad people have good things happen to them? What's your opinion?

Good Enough

ANSWER:
Dear Good Enough,

All I can really say on this is that life is full of ups and downs. Sometimes, good things DO happen to good people, but I can see why you'd question it. In my limited experience (hey, I'm not even a year old yet!), life is more fate than choice - sure, you can make choices to help you obtain the desired result, but fate can and will throw you curveballs when you least expect it. My only advice is to try to learn to "roll with the punches" better. Have main goals, but also have reasonable goals - like, if you want a million dollars, GREAT, but start off trying to save a hundred dollars and then see what saving and spending strategies have worked best. I hope I was able to help!

Good luck!
Steve


03/20/01 question:

Dear Steve,

My only son has an unusual attraction and fondness for spider monkeys - especially the stuffed toy variety. This was okay when he was two years old, but now he's 28 years old & the monkey lovin' CONTINUES... Personally, I think his behavior is perfectly normal (you'd know what I meant if ya' knew him, Steven.) But, others are beginning to ask questions about his predilection for spider simians. Any ideas? (Could the fact that his father is a TOO DRUNK TO FISH - paternal alcoholism being the underlying motivation for this symbiotic attachment my son has to certain spider monkeys?).

MA' OUTLAW

ANSWER:
Dear MA' OUTLAW,

Well, hmmm...., I'd have to say that maybe you've not known many spider monkeys in your lifetime. Being one myself, I have no problem understanding why someone could love a furry little critter like myself. If you're concerned about your son's involvement with a spider monkey, perhaps you should make the monkey's aquaintance and maybe you'll see for yourself why your son is attached to him. Spider monkeys are pretty cute, cuddly and sweet if I do say so myself... It seems that he's not just lovin' any monkey, but that he has taken a parental interest in one particular spider monkey. This may or may not be because he lacks fatherly guidance, but basically, it seems OK to me. Good luck!

Steve


03/12/01 question:
Dear Steve,

Could you tell me how to change a tire on my car?

FANDANGO

ANSWER:
Dear FANDANGO,

Thanks for asking - most people would assume that a small spider monkey like myself wouldn't know such a thing, but it just so happens that I do...mmm hmm...

After you have pulled safely off the road, apply the parking brake and place the transmission in park if it is an automatic. If the car has a standard transmission, place the shift in first gear or reverse. Take out the spare tire, jack and lug wrench. Pry off the flat tireís hubcap using the sharp end of the lug wrench. To loosen each lug nut, turn the wrench counterclockwise about one turn while the tire is still on the ground. Place the jack under the reinforced section of the carís body. Jack up the car until the flat tire is several inches off the ground. Remove the lug nuts and remove the wheel. Lift the spare tire onto the axle hub and align the holes. Replace the lug nuts and tighten each lightly. Lower the car to the ground and remove the jack. Then use the wrench to firmly tighten each lug nut. Have the flat tire repaired and reinstalled as soon as possible. Have lug nuts tightened with a torque wrench to specifications.

Steve


03/05/01 question:
Dear Steve,

I have recently started a fitness and exercise program, but I feel like I'm not doing enough - any ideas on how to keep myself on track and motivated?

THE EXORCIST

ANSWER:
Dear EXORCIST,

Well, being an active monkey, I don't personally have too much trouble in this area, but occasionally, I have to motivate myself to climb my tree or jog around the house a few times. When I feel the need for motivation, I usually turn up some rockin' music and just push myself. Also, this monkey believes that the more you do it, the more you're used to it and the easier it gets to just work it in to your every day schedule. Good luck!

Steve


02/19/01 question:
Dear Steve,

I am afraid of this cat that keeps following me around. Right now, as type this letter on my computer, it keeps hitting my hands. I think it wants to kill me, What do I do?

YIPES

ANSWER:
Dear YIPES,

In my personal experience with cats, I've found you need to show them who's boss right away. You give 'em an inch and they take a freakin' mile. While the easy solution would be to chuck a spear at them or swing them around by the tail, these options are not exactly humane... My best idea is to try to reason with the cat, and if that doesn't work, put the cat and a pile of (mind-numbing) catnip on the floor in another room - hopefully that will keep your cat busy for a while. Good luck!

Steve


02/16/01 question:
Dear Steve,

I am having a hard time dealing with my job. It seems that the stress grows as my paycheck dwindles. Do you have any ideas of what I can do to relieve stress AND make more money?

9TO5BLAH

ANSWER:
Dear 9TO5BLAH,

Maybe you should take up scratching!! Not like the monkeys back home, but like DeeJaying. I do some scratchin' on the side and I find it brings in some cash and lets you work out your monkey-like frustrations. Hey, it's hard being a Goodwill Ambassador, sometimes. Good luck!

Steve


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