m y      t h o u g h t s

Sometimes I get this 'mood', I'm not sure what to call it. And then it feels as if I'm on this other train than I normally am. I start thinking...'Maybe...' and then the sentence completes itself. For example,

'Maybe this is not really happening. Maybe non of this happening. Maybe reality doens't exist, is even less real than what we call dreams. Maybe dreams don't exist, maybe we're not even some God's dream. Maybe I'm not even thinking this!'
I don't mean these things in a dissociative way,...or maybe I do. I'm not sure. Sometimes those thoughts I described are feelings. And I feel them in my 'everyday train', instead of just thinking them in my 'other train'. When I feel them, it makes me feel odd. Detached in every day life. Like I'm not in control of my body, it's going by default. Feeling like that doesn't feel.. comfortable.
But on the other hand, sometimes it does feel strangely comforting if I integrate some of the thoughts of the 'other train' in my everyday life. For example, I can feel very down about all the polluting that is going on in the world, the global warming etc. I can feel so helpless. The only way I know to relieve this is to realise that the world is going to die sooner or later anyway. So, who cares. It doesn't matter.

But ofcourse it does. That's why I only eat ecological meat, try to buy products not tested on animals, etc. It does matter.

Or does it?

Most part of my being is so sure it does matter. But sometimes it feels a little relief to believe for a split second that it doesn't matter. That nothing matters. That we're all going to die, the earth is going to die, everything will be gone. Scary, yet comforting. So why DO we bother? Why? It's not like, when our life is over and the lives of others who remember us are over, it meant something. People can't stand it. So they conjer up Gods, Afterlives, what not. Because what would be more scary than Nothingness?
What is 'nothing', asked my uncle. Define it, he said. You can't communicate without definitions. But that's just it. Just for a second let go of all things you learnt, felt, knew, and let the thought touch you. NOTHING. What if there is just NOTHING. What if something is absent; nothing. He compared it to what I believe awaits us after death; nothing. Non-existence. Maybe he had something there, but it feels different. Because, in my everyday train I do believe in 'something', a lot of somethings. I just don't believe in something after death. I believe it will be like before we were born, given brains and central nervous systems, flesh. Before that, there was no awareness as far as I know, so I pretty much assume it will be like that again in death. And I don't mind it. But that nothingness is only tiny compared to the nothingness I can sometimes philosophize about in the other train.

How the hell can something that LIVES come from inanimate matter? That is a minddazzling one to me. Not that I want an answer. I'm sure I could never understand the answer. But the mere fact that one time this life on this planet here all started. From what? Scratch, inanimateness. That moment when life was formed, cells were made. Genes were created. How can that be? It's easy to understand many people need to believe in something supernatural. To have answers. But I don't want them. I just want to marvel.

And I often do.