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What's the deal with these blocks?

August 20, 2000

Here's something interesting.  The Junior Paperless One was playing with his alphabet blocks the other day, when Mrs. Paperless noticed how pathetic the drawings were on them.  I guess this is what happens when you find blocks at the "dollar store" and actually buy them.  Check these out:

1.  A helicopter?  A pathetic one at that...

2.  A boat.  No wonder the kids today love "TITANIC" so much.

3.  A train, obviously.  However, this train teaches kids about unions and labour disputes.  If we don't get our raises, then the train's wheels aren't going to be attached.  Obviously drawn by a scab illustrator.

4.  What is this?  A UFO?  A plane with feet?  A new stadium?  A "Fifth Element" taxicab?

5.  Rudy, the Navy SEAL, obviously.

6.  Judging by the mane, this must be a horse (of course), but the artistry leaves a bit to be desired, doesn't it?

7.  COCKELEY-COO!  Is this a rooster?  Cornelius Rooster has nothing to worry about - his job sure isn't in any jeopardy!

8.  A flying fish?  Look at the wings on that tuna!

9.  This phallic bee, along with subliminal images on Disney videos, helps youngsters with sex education, starting at that vital age where they play with blocks and wonder about bees that look like penises.

10.  I don't have a frigging clue.  If you are the artist who drew this pathetic excuse for a drawing on the back of a set of children's' blocks, please write me and explain yourself!

11.  Sponsored by "STAR SEARCH"...if you play with these blocks in "creative ways", Ed McMahon wants you.  YES!

12.  This is further proof that apples are hearty. 

13.  This block introduces children to condiments, illustrating what is obviously a mayonnaise jar.

14.  This pathetic Menorah introduces kids to the customs of the Jewish, in particular, the POOR Jewish, who can only afford TWO candles on the Menorah.

15.  These days, furnaces can come out of the SIDE of your house, eliminating the need for a rooftop chimney.  If you still believe in Santa, you're pretty much screwed!

16.  One of these days, your eyesight is going to fade and you'll need these, so you can enjoy pictures like the ones on these blocks.  Or, if you're really unlucky, you may need them as a kid, like that boy on "A CHRISTMAS STORY".

17.  What is this?  I seriously hope the artist was fired after producing this gem.

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