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I Shan't Watch "SURVIVOR" Again

August 13, 2000

Okay, this "SURVIVOR" crap is starting to piss me off.  The water cooler discussions about the cast members, radio DJ's interrupting songs on Wednesday night to bring you news flashes of "Survivor" castaway voting, and even conspiracy theories popping up in the news.

Last week, there was the theory that the CBS webmaster was a moron, and that pictures like the one above were found in a subdirectory on the CBS website, where all of the castaways were included, but Gervase had no "X" beside his picture.  This could only mean one thing:  he was the winner, and CBS had fucked up an elaborate web of silence by uploading some web graphics a little prematurely.

However, people who know the nature of the WWW aren't generally that stupid, and should be given a little more credit than that!  It wasn't long before the masses realized that they had been had, and that Gervase was the castaway that got "voted off" the following week.  Just chalk it up to another brilliant scam - although I must admit, it roped me in, as this was the only episode of the show that I actually watched in its entirety.

Not that I needed to watch a single episode, though.  Thanks to the world's fascination with this crap, I didn't need to feel like I was trapped on a deserted island with no CBS signal - the rest of the world did a fine job of keeping me updated on everyone's plight.

However, what they didn't do was tell me how SEXY Colleen was!!!  YOU BASTARDS!!!  I would have been roped in every week with the rest of you TV-comatose vegetative Americans if I had only seen those hips...those lips...that BANDANA...several weeks earlier.  Thanks a lot, guys!  Now that she's been the latest outcast, I don't give a flying fuck about the rest of them, and offer my own "scoop" ending:

Shaun (the brain surgeon):  stupid ass bitch...he's gone next week.  If anyone trusts this dolt to work on your brain, they definitely need brain surgery!  We can't stress how dopey this alleged genius is.  You get the idea by the "X" already how we can see into the future and vote him off already.

Susan (the truck driver):  is way too much of a man for ANYONE'S liking, except possibly her enormous husband, Jabba the Hut.  She'll be voted off as a threat to everyone's masculinity!  Perhaps hubby could show up on the island and they would have a fine cannibal's feast (for a year or two).

Richard (the naked gay guy):  he'll get the boot for no other reason than people's subconscious homophobia, or because the rest of them were so offended by his naked escapades and want revenge for being schlong-whacked for so many weeks.  Those who get whacked by a naked man's schlong don't forget such a trauma overnight (just ask JOE MCDONALD!!!).

Kelly.  Fuck, you're boring.  You're ugly.  You have a goofy last name.  Why the fuck would anyone want you to win?  Want more reasons?  You're single.  You ran out of batteries for your vibrator 10 weeks ago.  You're a fucking river guide.  You're always sitting on the beach with your legs spread and your pubes hanging out (or is that your armpit hair?).  You're a backstabbing bitch.  Need more reasons?  Pack your bags, you sorry old twat!

SHIT!  This means we have a winner in RUDY, the 72-year old retired Navy SEAL.  Go figure - the guy with all that extra skin, the guy doing the push-ups at sunrise every day, the "special friend" to Richard ("I liked him even before I knew he was queer").  The man I  longed to see off the island FIRST is now the man who stands the biggest chance of winning it all.

Like I said, I shan't watch "SURVIVOR" again.  Let me know what happens.

...and for fuck's sake, if Colleen shows up naked in ANYTHING, you know what to do (see below).

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