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You're off your Rocker!!! 

April 23, 2000

Damn!  The Paperless One is fresh out of batteries and John Rocker is on the tube making an apology!

Mind you, this is the fourth "apology" Rocker has given since it was let out of the bag by Sports Illustrated that Rocker is nothing more than a stereotypical Southern "Good Old Boy"; a racist, homophobic asshole, who also happened to be a pretty damn good baseball pitcher.

So the witch hunt begins - Rocker's a racist, therefore he must pay for his sins.  The media cry for his execution, Americans buy into it, and suddenly, this guy is front page news.  He gets a suspension, but hires a crack team to have it minimized.  He then serves the minimized suspension, and returns to the Atlanta Braves as some new form of hero.

Down south, they are a forgiving lot.

"Imagine having to take the 7 train to (Shea Stadium) looking like you're (in) Beirut next to some kid with purple hair, next to some queer with AIDS, right next to some dude who got out of jail for the fourth time, right next to some 20-year-old mom with four kids," Rocker said in the magazine interview. "It's depressing."

"The biggest thing I don't like about New York are the foreigners. I'm not a very big fan of foreigners," he said during the infamous interview. "You can walk an entire block in Times Square and not hear anybody speaking English. .... How the hell did they get into this country?"

"I hate the Mets... If I were watching myself on TV I'd probably think I was a punk... To tell you the truth, if the other team thinks I'm showing them up, I really don't care."

"Nowhere else in the country do people spit at you, throw bottles at you, throw quarters at you, throw batteries at you and say, 'Hey, I did your mother last night -- she's a whore.' I talked about what degenerates they were, and they proved me right. Just by saying something, I could make them mad enough to go home and slap their moms."

"I don't think I can keep up this frantic pace. Hopefully I won't be living this way in my late 20s or I'll be a wreck. If I don't calm down I'll probably die young. Which might not be a bad thing."

Someone get me a battery to throw at this guy's head.


"Baseball is just a game and no matter what happens, my parents still love me."

Click here to see John's apology

Suddenly, he issues an apology, and all is forgiven in Atlanta.  Even the mayor of his hometown has chimed in his forgiveness and support for Rocker.  When John returned from his suspension (and that hefty $500 fine), the crowds in Atlanta gave him no less than a standing ovation.  John's father was even interviewed on a FOX sports show, proclaiming that his son couldn't be a racist, he had AUSTRALIANS stay at his house when he was in the minor leagues.

Click here to see John's apology.  Please note that the slow audio you hear is not due to network congestion on your Internet connection, it's actually John reading "his apology" with the conviction of a grade three student who didn't do his reading homework the night before.

John RockerNot everyone has bought into the "we rehabilitated John Rocker" campaign. features links to all of the news events surrounding the controversial relief pitcher and even sells "ROCKER SUCKS" T-shirts.

New York Mets fans are anxiously awaiting John's return to Shea Stadium, and have a "battery night" planned to welcome the good old boy back to New York on June 30th.

Someone has bought the domain name, which features a large photo of Bob Marley and the words to "One Love" on the main page.

One thing is for sure - John may have gotten off lightly at the hands of major league baseball, the south may have forgiven him for doing nothing more than what they've been guilty of for years, but in the real world, John Rocker will get his just desserts.  Until then, don't stand too close to the guy in a crowd.

Oh yeah...why do I care?  The Paperless One hates baseball, and can't even seem to find enough batteries for his remote control!






DISCLAIMER:  The Paperless One is not implying that John Rocker is worthy of your batteries, we are merely providing a service to baseball fans by relaying the Atlanta Braves' 2000 schedule, as we suspect many fans will be "juiced up" to see John Rocker.

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