You Can't Sell THAT on eBay!
April 9, 2000
A few weeks ago, Sandy McMurray of the Toronto Sun was telling me that he had just checked out eBay for the first time, as someone had told him that he could hawk his 6-digit ICQ user ID for $200 on America's premier online auction site.
It seems as though some people have more money than brains, and that they are willing to pay ridiculous sums of money for nothing other than a false sense of prestige, to claim they were "there" for the incarnation of ICQ, which now has several million users, and user ID's of 12 or more digits.
After Sandy told me that he was going to try hawking his ICQ number, I started ripping up my office in search of the password for my old ICQ number, 185911. You see, my old Internet provider folded before I could get Mirabilis (the company behind ICQ before AOL bought them out) to send me my password by e-mail, my old e-mail address ceased to exist. Even though several people I know have been extremely helpful and sent me dozens of ICQ Password Cracking utilities, I failed to find the elusive password and was considering hypnosis to remember what it was. I could probably get ONE MILLION DOLLARS (Canadian) for my early ICQ number!
What else is banned on eBay?
Alcohol is bad, as far as eBay is concerned. That pretty much screws all you 15-year olds that are planning a weekend of excessive drinking in 4-6 weeks time and are bidding on a bottle of Wild Turkey tonight (if only such technology was around when I was a kid - I had to stand in front of the liquor store for hours before I was able to bribe someone into buying booze for me!).
This sucks for Michael Jackson, because, as much as he would like the bones of the Elephant Man, he's not going to find them on eBay. It seems as though eBay got some bad press recently, after someone bid $1,000,000 for a human kidney, prompting the auction site to pull all forms of organ auctions before they became known as the clearing house of human body parts. I'm sure there were also fears that Gary Coleman might actually auction himself to get out of debt. They have a "no human remains" policy, with the possible exception of HAIR (in lockets, perhaps). I'm curious - are FINGERNAIL CLIPPINGS exempt as well? I was thinking of offering up some tasty clippings as an "incentive" for one of my upcoming eBay auctions.
If you've gotten really wasted and dropped your bong, you're not getting a replacement at eBay, as they have a ban on drug paraphernalia (and drugs, too, Kelly Deal!). This also applies to prescription drugs, so that Viagra-fest isn't going to happen unless you have some real connections, pal!
All that having been said, there is still plenty of cool stuff that you CAN buy and sell on eBay, but ICQ numbers are not on that list. That's too bad, because I was looking to retire with my millions from that old ICQ number, 185911.
When Leaf Fans Make Noise...
April 9, 2000
The Paperless One and the Junior Paperless One went to the final regular season Toronto Maple Leafs game last night, and witnessed the Buds hit the 100-point mark in a season for the very first time. Sure, they played the Tampa Bay Tampons, but there was some good rivalry there, considering half of the Tampa Bay team are former Maple Leafs (okay, so it's only three players, but they did make their presence known), and it was enough to stir up a cheering section in the nosebleed section.
Sure enough, as soon as these guys started to cheer on the boys in blue, there were people all around them telling them to shut up. Does this actually happen anywhere other than Toronto? In Buffalo, they whoop it up all through the game (even when they don't have a reason to). In Vancouver, Calgary, and Edmonton, you can always hear extremely loud "GO LEAFS GO" chants whenever Toronto comes to town. So why is noise "forbidden" in the Leafs' own building?
A third period hootin' and hollerin' session, fully free from any form of "profanity", actually sparked the visit of three other security guards to try explaining to the noisemakers that some people were irritated by their cheering. This visit only divided the security guards, as one of them was overheard saying, "But they're only cheering on the team. They're not swearing, so there's nothing I can do."
Gee, armchair analysts of the Air Canada Centre, I'm sorry to hear that a bit of cheering screwed up your ability to properly analyze the game. Perhaps you were confused and thought that a Tie Domi fight had broken out (that's one of the few times that it's "acceptable" to make noise).
I once saw an interview with Steve Page of the Barenaked Ladies, and he made the observation that Americans love hockey and are quite vocal about it, while Canadians love hockey, eat, sleep, and breathe hockey, but have a tendency to sit back and analyze things rather than cheer.
Sure enough, it's true. Anyway, three cheers to the noisemakers back in the nosebleed section of the ACC - at least someone's got some spirit!
Until then, read up on the Leafs. Here are some Barnes and Noble suggestions:
(read on...there's a P.S. below the links, and it's about Billy Bob Thornton)
P.S.: Why do I get such weird e-mail? I just got a message addressed directly to one of my e-mail addresses (not bulk mailed spam), that was titled:
BILLY BOB THORNTON, YOU MAY BE THE WINNER!
Did I get drunk and start registering software using Billy Bob Thornton's name again? I know I used to do it with Marty McFly (until he got pissed off with me and sent me an e-mail demanding that I stop!), but I don't remember pretending to be Billy Bob recently.
Perhaps it's this particular e-mail alias (actually it's Mrs. Paperless' address). I have received notice that four different people were quitting work on "the project", notice that "the product line" was not being removed, as well as several requests for golf course information. Perhaps it's time to close this account. They are getting stranger!
Until next week, no matter what they say, I'm THE PAPERLESS ONE, not Billy Bob Thornton.