I walked up to the figure that was sleeping on the small twin bed. He had arrived this morning but so far hasn't awaken yet. It was the drugs that did that to you. I know because it used to be done to me when I first arrived here. I scratched my head that now itched from the hair growing back in. I wasn't sure if I should shave it all again. It pretty much pissed off my foster parents so maybe I would.
The boy on the small twin bed was wearing the generic hospital garb. He seemed about 16 years old, the same age as me. His hands were handcuffed to each side of the bed railing. I could see the drool escaping his lips, and I shook my head. They had dosed up this kid pretty well. I got down on my knees and looked at the kid's arm. The wrist was bandaged and he had healed scars up and down his arm. I smiled because the kid was a cutter like me.
I stood up and looked at the new kid's face. He was so beautiful. He had this small turned up nose, dark pink lips and hair that was pale as snow. The kid's hair was a mix of browns with reddish highlights that fanned out on the pillow behind his head. I wondered what was the kid's story.
I was looking right at the kid when suddenly his eyes opened slowly. He blinked slowly a few times and I knew he was trying to focus on me. His lips began to move as if he was trying to speak. I got close to his face and I saw the tears roll down, he said " Help me." But his eyes rolled back and he fell back into his drug induced comatose state of mind.
"Help me? Stupid fucker!" I thought angrily, and stomped the floor and left the room.
*****************Three days later...
I sat down in my favorite chair in the lounge of the hospital and noticed the new kid being shown inside. Dr. Willerbury had his arm around the boy and he pointed around the room. I rolled my eyes and went back to reading my Poppy Z. Brite book that was snuck to me by some of my friends on the outside. The 'doctors' frowned upon any literature that was too 'negative' and possibly dangerous for us sick fucks locked up in here.
I tried to get back to reading but I couldn't fucking continue. I stashed the book back into my book bag. I looked up and noticed the new kid was sitting alone next to one of the windows. Our windows didn't have bars, but the feeling of being incarcerated was there anyway. I noticed my nemesis 'Mike the Nazi' walk up to the new kid. Now if there was anyone in this world who probably should have been successful in his suicide attempt was THAT guy. What a waste of fucking organs and cells. The guy was brought up by parents who would have made Adolph Hilter and Eva Braun look like saints. I got closer to them and heard Mike say," Well what the fuck is your problem kid? Why the fuck are you in this miserable fucking place?"
"Maybe he was trying to stay away from Nazi morons like you?" I said aloud and both guys turned to look at me.
"Oh well, if it ain't our resident faggot and big mouth. Don't start your shit with me faggot because I won't hesitate popping you in the mouth. I'm talking to the newcomer so fucking butt out."
I put my hands on the hips and stared straight at them both. "Boy aren't you hostile today Michael, did you forget to take your fucking pills? Listen, leave the fucking kid alone he don't need your fucking narrow ass rhetoric bringing him down further than he is already. So why don't you go and jerk off to Guns and Ammo, I think their new issue came out today and I'm sure your old man sent you a copy."
"You miserable little fucker..." Mike the Nazi said and jumped up grabbing me by the throat. One of the more nervous members of our little society began to scream and that alerted the nurses. I was just about turning blue when they hauled Mike off me and probably back into his little 'cell'. This meant he would be out of commission for at least a day or two, so the pain was worth it.
I touched my throat and was immediately ashamed to realize my cock was hard. I guess some habits are hard to break. I looked up to see the new kid looming over me this time.
"Are you all right?" He said and actually looked curiously concerned over me.
"Just a little breathless but overall unhurt. Not the first time a guy is trying to choke me only I'm not naked and getting fucked at the same time." I said, and saw the kid frown and move away from me.
"Hey, I don't have the fucking plague, I'm just a fag. Seriously, don't believe the hype, it's not catchy. Well it isnt usually but then again not many boys get introduced to sex by their family. However, lets not talk about ME..who the hell are you and why the fuck did you try to off yourself?" I stood up and sat opposite the new kid but I could tell he wasn't ready to talk. He just looked out the window and his eyes got misty until he started to cry.
"Oh Mother Mary and Jesus fucking Christ, listen kid, don't start crying on me. Actually, you shouldn't cry in fucking public because these assholes are just looking for a reason to pump your ass full of toxic pyschological solutions aka drugs. They will have you pumped up on Lithium and singing the drools in a heart beat. Now come on, your a good looking fucking kid, tell your pal Vincent here what gives?"
He looked at me and rubbed his face but then he stood up and I knew he was probably heading back to his room. I know I should just fucking shrug my shoulders and forget the kid but however...how can you forget someone that looks up at you and says, "Help me."
************************** The madness continues...
Like most places where a person is incarcerated you have to learn to survive. Part of that survival is knowing how to negotiate. If you want something you have to learn to get it and give up something for it in the process.
That is the mantra I tell myself as I let the night nurse fuck me in the ass. He has my knees on the side of a toliet and my hands on the wall in front of me. He's been at it for the past 5 minutes so I'm sure he will be through soon. He never goes more than 15 minutes but it's been awhile so he's probably ready to blow his load sooner this time. I close my eyes and think about the weed that is coming to me in exchange for my asshole. A very small bargain since both items have never been legal in their usage.
The nurse is of course aware of the rules of exchange; he had to wear a rubber, he was not to hurt me and he could have my asshole and thats all. I made the rules and so far they haven't been broken. This guy wasn't exactly the type of guy I ached for and so that did nothing but keep my dick limp. He knew he was lucky to get a young piece of ass so he treated it nicely. When he fucks me he doesn't try to shove his cock in my gut. He isn't a sadist. He's not like my family. I hit my forehead on the tile wall in front of me, I would not think of those fuckers now. Instead, I wanted to think of the new kid. He was more my type. I began to think about the new kid's asshole. I wonder what it looked like? I bet it was small, pretty and maybe pink like the dude's lips. I wonder what it tasted like? Does it twitch if you lick it?
I lowered my hand and grabbed the hard-on I was able to acheive with the right motivation. How simple the brain could fool the body when it wanted to right? I was a pro at it too...sometimes. I felt the night nurse pick up speed and begin to grunt but I paid him no mind. I jerked my cock until I started cumming on the toliet underneath me. When it was all over the guy threw the rubber in the toliet. I looked at it frowning.
"They shouldn't be flushed you know, they will clog up the pipes." I said as he handed me the baggie with my 'real' medicine in it.
"What do you fucking care?" He said and shoved his dick into his pants leaving me alone.
I shook my head and muttered to myself, "Because if they back up, we are the ones fucked not you asshole."
Another agreement that my 'exchange' afforded me was a little freedom to make visitations to other 'members'of this madhouse. I went to the kid's room but didn't bother to knock. I didn't have to worry about it being locked because none of the doors had locks. I kept the light off but I could see the kid was still awake.
"What are you doing here? I'm going to call a nurse." He said to me and sat up in bed.
"Relax kid, it's Vincent, your buddy, the guy that saved you from Mike the Nazi. I brought us some medication to help ease the beginning of our friendship."
"Stop calling me kid, my name is Bryan. I don't want friends."
I began to roll up a joint into a nicely sized blunt. I kissed it and grabbed the matches I was able to get for a blow job a few days ago. I lit the joint and took a deep hit. I smiled and handed the joint to Bryan. He took it of course. I can spot a pot head a mile away. We toked for a while without talking. This stuff was potent in its powers of relaxation. It was well worth the soreness in my asshole.
"How long have you been a cutter?" I asked Bryan who was sitting on the floor of the room with his back against the bed. He leaned his head back and closed his eyes.
"How do you know?" He asked me.
"I saw the day they brought you in and I took a peek. You were fucked up and drooling tied to the bed. However, you weren't wearing the long sleeves you seem to wear all the time now. I saw the cuts and the bandaged wrist. You're a razor hungry little boy ain't ya?" I grinned and pushed my arm out in front of him. "You can't see them too well in the moonlight but there are many little cuts all over my arm. I also have them on my chest, thighs and even on my dick. Yeah imagine that huh? I used to cut little nicks on my dick. I started this shit when I was about 10. You're about my age now, what are you 16? I'm going to be 17 in two weeks. Big fucking deal huh. I been in this 'academy of the insane' for 3 months. They brought me in kicking and screaming."
Bryan looked at me, "Are you really a faggot?"
I looked at Bryan and I felt a sudden pain in my gut. Could I have been wrong and the kid was a fucking little Nazi punk like Mike?
"Are you going to give me this fucking bullshit speech about fags being disgusting and shit...because if you do after you smoked my pot, I will kick your ass." I was trying to sound angry although I was too stoned to know if it was working.
"Relax, I don't have a problem with you being gay. That's the fucking reason I'm here. The reason I have these fucking cuts and why I tried to kill myself."
I smiled and I must have looked like an insane lunatic. But I was so glad to hear that kid was on my team that I wanted to sing and dance. However, I was too stoned to move so I only grinned and smiled. "Being queer ain't so fucking bad Bryan. You gotta just know the right people."
"If it's so great why the fuck are you here?" He said to me and I saw him start to nervously chew his fingernail.
"Ok, well it isn't EASY being a faggot but the idea in general isn't so horrible. Listen, did you have somebody turn you out into cocksucking? Did your Daddy touch you or something?"
"No way, don't say that shit Vinny, my father never touched me. He hates fags. He rather see me dead than queer. So thats what I did. Or I tried to do I should say." Bryan began to cry.
I rolled my eyes, " Shit kid, how you fucking cry. I guess it's good that you can still do that. I stopped being able to cry a long time ago. Listen Bryan, your father might be a Nazi asshole, who thinks having a queer son is worse than anything, but thats bullshit. You going to be strong one day and you need to just walk away from that shit. No one has a right to tell you who to love and being queer ain't no fucking sin. You want to know whats a sin, fucking little kids is a sin, raping them and turning them into little whores is a sin. That is what my family did to me. My dad got drunk one day when I was fucking 5 years old and he then preceeded to come stumbling into my room. That old fucker sat on my chest and forced his dick in my mouth. When I puked out his cum he beat the shit out of me and told me to clean it up. Every fucking night for about a week he came storming into my room. Sometimes he would beat me with the belt if he thought I deserved it and then he would pull down his fucking pants and shove his cock in my mouth. One day when I came home from school my dad informed me my mother was gone. She fucking split on us. She fucking split on me. Left me to the fucking wolves. That night I no longer slept in my room. He had me sucking his dick and drinking his piss every fucking night for two years. After that my uncle and his wife showed up and they turned out to be two sick fuckers too. One night they gave me a few pills and before I know it they both took turns busting my 7 yr old cherry." For once I was telling the story without my hands trembling and to someone that didn't make me feel bad for it. I was afraid if I didn't continue I was going to burst, " My dad and my uncle took their turns with me and I was stuck there. I remember thinking I had done something wrong and I was being punished. Maybe it was my fault my mother left and so this was my punishment. They fucked me until I just didn't scream or cry anymore. I was a numb piece of pliant flesh in their hands. But I guess the body has a mind of his own sometimes and one day the pain felt good. One day although I tried hard not to I found myself leaning back to that incesteous cock that was ramming into me. My dad knew I was a faggot then and that made him angry. He rather I been hating it than actually enjoying getting fucked in the ass, so he punished me. He began to take offers from guys who wanted a piece of young flesh. We would meet them out at some abandoned building where some junkies had laid out a mattress already. Oh man, can't tell you how many fucking times my 9 year old ass was plugged on that dirty fucking floor for probably no more than 40 or 50 bucks a pop. Thats when I started hating myself. The first time I hated it but by the 3rd trick...I wanted that cock deep inside me. I would grunt, moan and squirm like a full blown faggot. It was too much. Too confusing for a little kid. I remember when I saw that razor in the bathroom one night. That first cut and how the blood drops rose up along the cut. Then the next one. And the next one. I was finally in control of SOMETHING." I felt Bryan's hand take my own and for the first time in months I could feel my own eyes getting misty.
Bryan squeezed my hand, "Go on Vincent...it's ok."
"Fucking yeah it's ok! Listen man, I was fucking whoring even for guys that my daddy and uncle didn't pick. I was giving up my ass because I was damaged goods anyway. But most of all because I wanted it. I wanted cock. I wanted to decide who was going to fuck me NOT them! But I was getting angry. I couldn't handle it anymore. I didn't want that fucker to touch me anymore." I now could feel the tears rolling down my cheeks, how my shrink would have loved to see this, " So one day my piece of shit father comes stumbling into the bathroom with his hard-on in his fist. He's screaming that he's been looking for me and why wasn't I sucking his dick like a good dutiful son. So he grabbed my head and pushed me on my knees and before I could analyze the situation my sense of survival kicked in and I slashed his cock with the razor. This hot squirt of blood splashed my face and he yelled like he got a hot poker in his ass. I just grabbed my bag and started to run. Within a few days I got busted for prostitution and the next thing I know I was placed into some foster home. These people are ok I guess, but I guess I was a volanco about to explode and I did. One day I in the middle of my cutting session I guess I cut my wrist. I hardly remember the day actually. I just know my 'sweet' foster parents had me shut in this place for 'my' own good. And here I been for 3 months and no sign of 'parole' in sight. I guess I still have some 'issues' huh?" I started laughing and was glad to see the kid laugh with me.
Bryan licked his lips and started his own tale, "My dad saw this letter I wrote this boy I liked and he started yelling at me. He sat me down and showed me in the bible how I was going to go to hell if I didn't change. I tried to stop being who I was. Anytime I even thought about a guy or anything I cut myself. My dad and I were close and I wanted that back again. I wanted him to love me. So when I figured it was all lost I slashed my wrist. My little sister found me face down in my bathroom. Next thing I know they tell me I'm being sent here and I guess I freaked. So they put me in restraints and shot me up full of dope. I woke up suddenly and thought I saw an angel looking down at me...but I guess that was the drugs."
"Angel? You crazy fucker...that was me!I'm far from being an angel but I can promise you that if you stick with me, I will help you survive this hell hole." I squeezed Bryan's hand this time.
Bryan sniffled and smiled which gave my heart a squeeze. Shit I could love a guy with a smile like that. He was perfect for me too...he was a total mess like I was. "Listen,it's late. You should get some rest."
He nodded, and got into bed, "Vincent, I'm scared of this place...could you..could you..stay with me until I fall asleep?"
"Anything you want baby..." I said, and sat down on the floor next to him. I rubbed his hair that was fine as silk and watched his face relax with my touch. I could fall in love with a face like that. Maybe someone like this in my life could make me get my shit together. I think a kid like Bryan was worth changing some dubious habits. I stroked his hair and began to sing a song I liked,"I'm so happy Cause today I found my friends They're in my head I'm so ugly But that's ok, 'cause so are you We've broke our mirrors Sunday morning Is everyday for all I careAnd I'm not scared Light my candles In a daze 'cause I've found god..."
The End
