Claudio: And then he gave me his e-mail address. I don't know what to do, now! It was nearly three days ago, do you think that's too soon to write him?
Jack: Well, I really can't say. Would you have called him by now?
Claudio: Probably not. My hand gets all shaky when I think of it. And also, I seem to have forgotten his name. Jack, you have to promise you'll never let me drink tequila again!
Jack: If I'm around, I promise I'll stop you.
Claudio: I think it had an "m" in it. M, m, m... Oh, it's no use! (sob) I love him and I don't have the slightest idea of what to do! I must be the most pathetic wretch on the planet!
Jack: There, there, it can't be that bad. Remember, just last weekend you were in love with Diva Boy, and he's all in the past now. You'll get over it.
Claudio: No, I won't. I love this one for real this time.
Jack: Uh-huh...
Claudio: Quit smirking at me! I really mean it! I shall never love another as long as this mysterious "m"-named stranger exists.
Jack: What about Greg? And Ben? And Pascha? And Jaques-Maurice? And that bloke who works at Revenue Canada who looks like Beck?
Claudio: I don't want to talk about them. They were mere interests. This is True Love.
Jack: You told me you wanted to marry Jaques-Maurice!
Claudio: I lied.
(The Brians enter, carrying large shopping bags)
Brian S: Ta, we're home!
Brian M: We bought new makeup!
Claudio: (stands, angry) Where the hell were you?!
Brian M: We borrowed your car. We didn't think you'd mind.
Brian S: (hands Claudio a parking ticket) Here, someone left this on the windscreen.
Claudio: Brilliant... Now you owe the city of Saskatoon six dollars!
Brian S: No, you do. See, it has your license plate number on it.
Brian M: Want to see what I bought? It's gorgeous.
Claudio: Not really. I happen to be in the middle of a great personal crisis.
Brian M: It was originally $300 dollars, but on sale for just $90. You'll love it! (pulls a shiny silver sport coat out of the bag) I think I'll wear it out tonight.
Brian M: Who would wear? Claudio: I think I'm going to cry again! (leans on Jack and starts sobbing)
Jack: (sternly) Brian, Brian, I think you two had better leave.
Brian S: But we didn't tell you what happened while shopping!
Brian M: There's not much to tell, really. We didn't even get to see all the shops, since Brian took so long at Underground.
Brian S: Long? We were only there forty minutes!
Brian M: See, he found these pants- show them the pants, Brian- (Brian S produces a pair of glittery purple and black python print pants) and he spent almost half an hour in the fitting room just looking at his ass in those pants!
Brian S: You'd have done it, too. They were just so perfectly fitted... I couldn't resist!
Brian M: And I had to watch him!
Brian S: HAD to?! You were practically crashing down the door to see!
Claudio: (looks up, sniffling) Pants? Ass? What?
Brian S: I'll put them on and show everyone. (heads toward the WC)
Brian M: (following Brian S) And I'll put on my coat!
(Interior, restaurant, evening, present. Everyone is seated around a table in this order, from left to right starting at the head: Brian S, Brian M, Obi-Wan, Jack, Claudio, Giovanni.)
Giovanni: So, you REALLY are a vampire?
Claudio: Yes! I've told you at least five hundred times already! Quit asking!
Giovanni: So, would you drink my blood or anything?
Claudio: No, don't be stupid.
Giovanni: Why not?
Claudio: Well, for one thing, we're in the middle of a high-class restaurant. It's just not done in public.
Brian M: Can you change into a bat?
Claudio: God, no.
Brian S: Can you go out in the sun?
Claudio: Yes, but only for a short time.
(The waiter stops by the table and deposits the bill, then leaves giving a quick glance back toward Jack)
Brian M: Can you get me that waiter's phone number? He's hot.
Claudio: Get it yourself.
Jack: Can you get ME the waiter's number?
Claudio: What, you think I can just go over to him and say, "Hi, I'm a vampire, can I have your telephone number?"
Brian M: That'd work for me.
Giovanni: Me too. I'd love to date a vampire.
Claudio: You're both insane.
Brian M: Is that a no, then? Hmm... Hey, Obi-Wan, can you get his number using the force?
Obi-Wan: No, sorry. But I can pinch his bum for you if you like.
Brian M: Nah, I'd rather do that on my own.
(outside the restaurant, late evening, present)
Brian S: You mean we're just going to go back to your place and do nothing all night? That's not very much fun!
Claudio: Well, we can play Trivial Pursuit if you like.
Brian M: Trivial Pursuit sucks.
Giovanni: How about strip Trivial Pursuit?
Brian M: Hey, yeah!
Voice in the Alley: Psst! Hey!
Giovanni: Huh?
Voice: You there! All of you!
Obi-Wan: Stay still everyone, this could be a trap!
Voice: Please, listen to me!
Obi-Wan: Who's there?
(The waiter steps out of the shadows of the alley)
Waiter: It's only me.
Obi-Wan: What are you doing?
Waiter: Please- take me with you!
Obi-Wan: Take you with us? Why?
Waiter: Please take me! I'll do anything!
Brian M: Anything?
Brian S: I say we let him come along!
Obi-Wan: Who are you?
Waiter: My name is Steerpike. I work at the restaurant here, as a waiter and in the kitchens. It's horrible! I have to escape! Please, help me!
Claudio: Don't you have a home?
Steerpike: No, I live in the kitchens. My mother bound me out to the chef when I was a small child. I've worked for him as long as I remember.
Obi-Wan: How horrible!
Steerpike: Yes, and now I need you to help me escape! Please, take me with you!
Claudio: Sure, why not? Everyone and their dog is already living at my house, why not one more? Now quit that grovelling and stand up properly!
Steerpike: (kisses Claudio's hand) Oh, thank you, sir! Thank you! I'll do my best, sir, I really will!
Brian M: Are you any good at Trivial pursuit, Steerpike?
Steerpike: Trivial... Pursuit? What's that?
Brian M: Excellent...
(Interior, Claudio's living room, night, present. The Brians, Obi-Wan, Giovanni, and Steerpike are playing strip Trivial Pursuit.)
Brian S: All right, here are the rules. Whenever someone gets a piece of the pie, all the others have to take off an article of clothing. Understand? (positive nods all around) Good. Obi-Wan, you go first. (Half an hour later, everyone is still fully clothed)
Giovanni: Jeez, we suck at this!
Brian M: Yeah. Either we're all really stupid, or else everyone's failing on purpose so that we all stay dressed.
Obi-Wan: And I hardly think that's the case.
Brian S: Fine, fine! New rule- whenever you answer a question wrong, you have to take off one article of clothing!
(Three minutes later, every one is mostly naked)
Brian M: Wow, this is a lot better!
Steerpike: So, where are Claudio and Jack, then? Why aren't they playing?
Obi-Wan: From what I gather, they were going to spend a quiet evening watching a replay of the Royal Wedding on channel 11.
Giovanni: Royal Wedding my ass, I bet they are just having sex...
Brian S: I bet they're dressing up in women's clothing and pretending to be Princess Di.
(Interior, master bedroom, night, present. Claudio and Jack are lounging about on the bed, drinking vodka and wearing satin bath robes from Hong Kong. Some sort of Euro music awards are on the television, and presently David Bowie is performing "Fame".)
Claudio: You know, I wish he'd perform up to my standards for once. First the dull appearance on Saturday Night Live last year, and now this boring Euro crap awards nonsense. It's be a whole lot better if he were singing "Aladdin Sane", believe you me!
Jack: Mm-hmm. Look at that dull grunge-90s hair cut. Shameful, it is. Claudio: Absolutely.
Jack: So... I hate to be nosey, but... Are you honestly a vampire? I mean, it's one thing to tell Giovanni, but really?
Claudio: Look, what do I have to do to prove myself, rip off my arm and regenerate it for you?! Because I can do that if it will get you to shut your pie hole! Though it would hurt an awful lot and make a horrid mess, so I'd rather not.
Jack: Sorry, just asking...
Claudio: Okay fine, here's what I'm going to do. Take off your robe to bare your shoulder.
Jack: Erm, what are you going to do?
Claudio: What do you THINK I'm going to do?!
Jack: But don't you usually bite on the neck?
Claudio: No, that gives off far too much blood and makes it splurt everywhere in big mess. The shoulder is much safer- and it heals far better. Every true vampire knows that. If one ever offers to bite your neck, don't let him. He's a fool who doesn't know the first thing about drinking blood, and he'll probably kill you.
Jack: (turns his back to Claudio and drops the robe) I'll... try to remember that.
Claudio: Now sit still...
Jack: Oh, that tickles... What are you doing?
Claudio: I just bit you. Vampire fangs cause no pain, you know. They're designed that way so that victims feel only the pleasurable aspects of having their blood stolen.
Jack: I think you're joking. (Claudio bares his bloodied fangs to Jack) Oh my God you're not joking...
Claudio: No, I am not. Now please sit still, since I don't want you to get blood all over my duvet.
Jack: Erm, Claudio, I don't know if I like this very much... I feel a bit dizzy.
Claudio: That's perfectly normal. I've consumed about two cups of blood.
Jack: Two cups?! That seems a bit excessive!
Claudio: It's the average for a vampire feeding. (kisses the bite to heal it) There, I'm all done. How do you feel?
Jack: ...I don't know. Where are your fangs? (touches his shoulder) Why is there no mark left? Did I just imagine that whole thing?
Claudio: What whole thing?
Jack: You just drank two cups of my blood!
Claudio: I did what?
Jack: At least, I thought you did... I'm sure you did! You're a vampire! I saw you!
Claudio: A vampire? Are you mad? There's no such thing. How much have you had to drink? I think you need to go to sleep now.
Jack: But I... I thought I saw... I think I do need some sleep, now I'm imagining that you were biting my shoulder...
Claudio: That's perfectly silly.
Jack: You're right. (laughs) Vampires! Can you imagine!
Claudio: Certainly not. They're complete fiction.
