07/03/00
Dear "Sam,"
You know I don't mean for you to... worry. Well, I dunno if you really were--but I can acknowledge that I have lost my grip. I am leaving on Friday for Cape Cod for a few days, finally away from this place. I figure then I'll have some time to figure stuff out. But you know how I've been intrigued about ______, and one's never going to know how it is until she tries it. This time is as "good" as any other time, plus I know I'll be feeling miserable tomorrow, so... things fell into place like that.
Sam, you know better than most people I know that this is not what I'm like--not even "supposed" to be like, but the way I am. When you said I lost sight of myself, the only reason why I contradicted it was because I didn't want to believe it, see it, or hear it from someone else, you know? Strangely, you keep me in line to the point where I can't do much without consideration of what you might think.
In addition, I don't want you to think you did this. Yes, I lost you; there's no denying that our friendship has been coated with something that most friends aren't forced to deal with. But that's not really what's been bothering me: I've felt some sort of desire to reshape myself before the new year. Maybe it's for the freshmen I'll be a peer group leader for, maybe it's for the college counselor who will be telling me which way to point my future, but I really think it's for myself. I haven't felt like myself without someone else in a long time, so I've been trying new stuff out, taking chances, having fun, Like, trying to figure out what I'm meant to be doing. These opportunities that you say I have, I do see them, but who's to say they are for me to take? I don't know how to figure that out without trying other things.
You probably didn't need a rant like this tonight, so I'm sorry for whatever I might have caused. But, as always, I find it almost too easy to talk/write to you... I hope you understand.
Have a great Fourth of July...
I will be careful tomorrow, Sam, I promise.
~Jess
Love takes off maks that we fear we cannot live
without and know we cannot live within. ~James Baldwin