So let me tell you HOW many times I've gone through this: the letting go but the going back and forth deciding if I can actually pull through with this, and then the pain over and over. Eventually, I know, it will get old; and that's really the only thing that gets me through this each time. But why do I go through it each time?
No human likes change, I've decided that. And those who do, what they crave is the endless change, and that, itself, is ordinary for them. Therefore, in turn, they're craving things to stay the same. But anyway, if we're so scared of change, I'm wondering why I ever begin to step into anything anymore. I obviously have too much faith that this one could be "the one," while I really gave up looking for that a long time ago.
So once the person is leaving--or even if the situtaiton is changing--I crave to stay so badly that, well, here I am, waiting for a phone call from someone who moved on long ago. Well, he moved away from me long ago and became secure without me. He became himself again without me, but I'm still struggling here with the part of me that relies on him. As I once explained, if he leaved me, it'd be as if those memories and all we've talked about have been put on the shelf to collect dust--as if a friend moved away, and now he carries those memories with him away but not as if he still lived down the street.
Things will be different. I have to accept that.
Yet something inside me still believes something can happen. There are only so many times I can go around in circles, hitting myself every time I reach the North.
Dammit, every time I hear my buddy list door opening, I want to see if it's going to be him.
And I've been trying to avoid him for a while. Like, I'll tell myself I can go a whole day without talking to him, but either he'll call me and I'll see him or I give in right before I go to sleep. I'm obviously not that strong and way too hopeful.
How can one person have so much power... and not know about it? Actually, you probably do know who you are; you should have even gotten it by the cursor. (It's a train.) But don't worry; I'm just trying to vent my feelings that I can no longer say to you face-to-face.
(Note: I didn't edit this, mainly because it was a train of thought. But, somehow, it's always what I wanted to say.)
The true test of character is...how we behave
when we don't know what to do. ~John Holt