a lifeless note in a shoebox,
a shirt in the closet,
a letter in the mail,
a flower dried up in the vase,
a face in my mind,
a voice over the phone,
a hope deep in my heart,
a whisper of goodbye,
a word on the page.
102501
Into the Woods
I told that sucker to drive away from here
fast
into the darkness
so I would forget the look on his face when I said
goodbye
to our days
when the smiles were brighter than
the suns come and gone,
like the exhaust vibrating with his
jerks, misunderstanding, misconnected emotions
flooding the engine,
drowning his reply
with the sound of his
cautionary
horn
102401
Push & Pull
Something in the wind tonight
pulls me back from original thought.
"To be or not to be?"
or simply,
to trudge on
or drop all expectations immediately?
Swaying back and forth
like the trees where we used to swing.
Understanding suddenly
all those love songs we used to sing
(under our breaths).
But some forces are stronger.
Gravity, for instance, will only pull us down.
Would I be guilty to admit
that I wish you were still around,
I wish we could have tried
to make our futures rhyme,
to make the time right now?
Right now I stand
with the wind pushing me back,
with the breeze on my face
reminding me of your touch.
Simply,
I don't know what's meant to be.
092001
Used to Be
It's happening.
The pictures have this sharp tinge of
"used to be,"
and I wonder where
"I love you"
disappeared in our conversational partings.
I stuffed him away in boxes Saturday,
the little notes he used to leave me,
the little toys that would remind me
that silliness was acceptable in this light.
Everything's on my shelf,
and I fear the day I'll smell him again.
The dam will break that day,
all comes tumbling down,
the strength I reserved for that day
when I realize all is different--
or just the way they used to be.
I feel it now,
but do I believe it?
Words flow like rivers now,
but can I perceive
how I might be in three weeks?
I wouldn't want to know.
All I know is that it's happening.
Those little notes are all he left me
when he left me,
and now all that I see is
"used to be."
092301
Before Closing
I look at him,
see a locked box before me
because to open it now,
to learn more about this creature would be
death
to the heart.
I have to let go sometime.
He’s here but gone already.
A preparation all too familiar,
but this time harder.
As if the initial stab hurt,
but the reopening, just depressing,
to see the blood that should have dried upon the
scab.
I wonder if the pictures will have to come down,
if I will childishly board up the momentous
and put the dry flowers in a shoebox.
No more light,
for now,
until this numbness of
seeing his reflection but calling it an illusion
dissipates.
The words will go unread for months
because they pick at the wound,
try to crawl beneath the skin again,
reminding me of the
should haves, could haves, would haves.
Remembering each crevice of his body
as well as my own,
fitting so perfectly together
on a mattress each summer night.
Turning, twisting,
finding beauty in another light.
But darkness now.
I tell myself,
"maybe this time will be easier,"
"There’s no other choice,"
"Love until it hurts,"
"All will work out in the end,"
"Out of sight, out of mind."
And then I look at his sleeping
body
and ask myself
"Who am I kidding?"
And then I look away.
Oh yeah, love can hurt,
especially before it’s closed
forever. 090201
Undeniable Truths
I see his body everywhere,
shadows moving across the grass in the park
where we took pictures,
solid memories for something
temporary.
We knew it all along,
but when can one prepare
for the closing of the heart?
Too early,
and I miss all the final beauties,
waste time on remembering maybes
when we still had a chance.
But too late,
and I could bleed for months
each association with just his eyes.
I find it too easy to miss him
while he’s still here.
Protection against the criminal,
undeniable
truths.
People too often come and go,
and there’s never a solid guarantee
of anything.
Let go once,
and miracles may happen.
Hurt once,
and it will take mountains
to build up the truth to ever
let go once
more.
Afraid of missing,
afraid of losing,
afraid of feeling the pain too early,
afraid of seeing the gain too late.
090201
Orange
Examine slowly
the ridges, eyes
that examine slowly
the dirt and water,
the shadows beneath the crevices,
the remains of where it has been.
Love innocence in its true form.
No natural way to enter
obliterate
it, no side better than the other.
Bruises that wouldn’t go away,
here, cherished today.
Pierce slowly,
the ridges, eyes
that cry softly,
spray the air and give flavor
to the wind.
Inhale deeply,
take it in while everything is fresh
--still innocent--
fresh and living,
unknowing what might happen next.
Unwrap slowly
and find the fruit there
waiting to feel a miracle.
Break it to pieces,
fast so the pain is quick--
slowly in your head
everything becomes clear.
Some pieces holding on--
shattered. Flavor--louder
to the wind.
Tear it all apart,
the tear drops sweet and shining.
Feeling? Faster in anticipation.
Can’t wait any longer.
It’s all over from here.
Naked, there was never a chance
to leave here if not
dead or consumed.
072301
Lily
Dirty hands
garden
no scaffolding
blind folded
Discover again for the first time
Lover’s skin enveloping beauty
soft embrace
lying in flower petals
life in an innocent form
reach out, taste the sweetness
bouncy, fluffy, clouds
unseen
shapes bubbling
foaming at the mouth
taste blindness
no scaffolding
touch it again
with dirty hands
and finally understand
072501
Salama
Sail away with
animal hides, bamboo stalks,
and a battered rudder.
Salama
Now or never
ride fast into the air,
the unknown,
that which we take for granted
--because the search is grander--
but could kill us in the end.
Sand
falls through in time,
hits the bottom like a rock
(compact sand) or lava
hot---keeps us moving,
keeps us chasing dreams
and sounds we will never forget
but might store away.
Sanguine,
red hot like the burning
sensation of your hand in mine when we
sail away
because we might find a way
to stay the same.
Keeps us moving,
keeps us chasing dreams,
and I will keep you forever
in this water.
072701
Stalling
Every time I’m with you,
I feel the sensation of finally saying to you—
and giving to you
all that’s been on my mind.
It’s been a while since an angel could stop me with his eyes.
We’re not losing nothing here, babe.
So why do I feel like I’d be stealing something worse than an apple?
I prayed that nothing would change
(just like I always do),
so here I am standing under the rain,
asking you to deliver me some sort of pain
to stop this sensation
before I can break you.
Twisted, turned upside down in the belly of our dreams.
I saw you swimming away
before I even landed.
Why can’t I just ask you—
give to you something
all over again,
to make it to the end
without any regrets in hand?
Why do I fear your eyes
and what you might reply?
I try to tell myself, “No” is not the worst response in the world
for a girl,
but I just cannot imagine this being the right place
at the wrong time.
I cannot shatter a wonder
just to fulfill
the lightning with its thunder.
Make me instruments of your peace.
Tell me before you release.
Know I’ll be waiting
for my time at ease.
052501
This is Hope
I told him he’d always have the key--
but then I ran away,
a victim of my own fears,
and fled leaving a single hope
in this metal object.
Something for him to touch in
the summer months,
something to keep me close as he slept.
Was I evil to lock him away
as I lived another dream?
Did he think about me at night
though I no longer held him?
And will he stay forever?
Will the silences become unbearable
because we have lost our present tense?
Does he know I think about him all the time?
We didn’t even lose our innocence together,
but we are bound together
by this promise.
It can’t be broken!
He holds the key.
And if he never comes back...
then I’ll live on everlasting hope.
021301, #689
The Keys II
Five keys jingle in my pocket,
each unlocking a part of me
that should be stored forever.
But I can’t help peaking into the treasure chests
at night
when the world sleeps in their safe, happy homes.
I need something solid,
something to feast my eyes on
when I write
and something to tell me
it’s going to be alright.
There first was Samuel.
He answered my questions without a word
while we played DJ on my stereo.
He ran away with his three words,
my desire,
and left promises to be broken trailing long the way.
Thomas came from Arkansas
and was ready to fly.
We built mountains to climb,
dug basins to fill with our farewell tears
when the fun was time to be over.
I thought I really knew him,
and he took with him all I ever really knew.
Phillip was more persuasive
and won his award for the courage
he used during the hardest confrontations.
He stole me Independence Day,
Freedom,
he stole away
across the ocean
and I knew not to dream any longer.
Alex was an accident.
Overcome by his beauty,
I laughed at his misery,
treasured his embrace;
but favors were never returned.
No regrets here on out.
And now Robert--he’s the one of my dreams,
but I can’t help knowing
what is bound to happen.
Are there the surprises of the first four?
And how dare they destroy my hopes for more...
Broken records on the needle--
sharp, stabbing realities;
pricking what I knew of love,
what I know now.
It’s not about knowing how,
but wanting to move on.
My eyes peel back,
and I sing the sad songs just to remember,
just to be close to understanding
what happened just four years before.
A kiss, a smile, a miss, a dial,
a look, a fuck, a truth--I’m stuck
on the past. I know it well.
That key won’t open me further;
it’ll drown me in hell.
021301, #690
Breakthrough
I haven't written in months.
They say Sullen Girl has flown away.
I think she's been locked in my basement,
sulking in cob-webbed dreams
and powdered innocence.
(Or was there any left to cover?)
I've been waiting for a rap at the door.
They say the miseries hit rock bottom.
I think she's been swimming down to find some more,
a love below the other tortures in her brain.
There's always hell to pay
when you're this wasted.
I saw shadows by my window the past two nights.
They say spirits are real.
I think she knows it when she looks into his eyes:
Nothing else is going to save her now.
He knows too much
to be let down without a consequence.
I lay down with too much to say.
They say poetry will come naturally.
I think she's been waiting all this time
for something to challenge her,
take her away from the norm-
just for something to say for herself.
I kiss him without any breath .
They say it's a sin.
I think she's finally found love.
012401, #683
The Story I Never Tell
Have I missed something?
Have I regarded my peers as mortal judges
of my countenance as they
place me in boxes of stereotypes
and expectations?
Have I dared to try
to have them tell me something more than I already know?
Pictures say a thousand words,
but my words are worth a thousand pictures.
My memory is fading,
and the pages are tearing in rage,
craving for those incredible eyes to grace the page.
No one's listening!
No one's understanding-
and I can no longer,
knowing we belong together-
and I am the one preventing the consummation.
Someone told me that things happen for a reason.
I even forget who-was it you
in my window last night,
shouting words into my sleep?
I was restless.
I crawled all around the truth
just to feel you
in any way possible.
I dreamt you came up through my window,
Whispered lullabies.
Truths? I know not.
But the words I will never repeat.
I'd be ashamed to expect so much.
A fantasy? A wish? But I admit
this is the story I never tell,
and there's no way to finish it.
012401, #684
The Words to Say It
Did I ever tell you how undeserving I was?
There's forever more to say.
A Past shouldn't hold us back,
but I keep seeing Black
when I look into our nights.
No words to say.
I can feel it more in my fingertips.
Sparks, I'd be satisfied in your arms
and not hear a word.
(No words to say it.)
My prophet laid it out for me.
I knew it before I learned to play the part.
Do you even know you're falling apart?
Come swing by me. Take a part of my heart
and rearrange it in the crucible of your soul.
Melt it into your little moves
to bring me closer. Hold my hand
deeper underwater until I am unafraid.
I know how long you'll stay-
until I suggest an obstacle in the way.
My habits haven't gone away.
I wouldn't warn you if I had a choice,
if I did know of any other way.
I love you today, and tomorrow
it'll grow into something to tear apart.
I'll cry without you. I'll die without you.
Maybe then I'll have to words to say it.
Then I will deserve this pain.
012401, #685
nothingness
He appeared after two years of nothingness
in my words, my sacred words that have revealed the truth
twenty-two times over,
twenty-two too many times.
I believed “something good” was happening.
Did I really conceive that?
Was his being in my life worth a song?
Did I understand too well the lines
In between?
I was in between love and love
Forever. I was doing something
for the faith I had in him
two years earlier
only to be crushed again.
Yes, I knew it from the start;
Maybe I wanted something to splinter this heart
that had been healing for two--
And two people were brought together again
in a summer dream. Too hot for comfort.
“I’m sad he’s gone,” but no answer would could from
absence.
Then September rain: cool and dead
like the memories, that part of me
I tried to destroy by drowning in regret.
Why wasn’t I to be she? Why couldn’t I lie on his bed
And know something beautiful was going to happen?
Why couldn’t I rely on my words to save me anymore?
So I died that night,
Took a two-and-two break away
to let him discover himself in another way.
Sadness in the messages he left the next days.
I stopped by—started around the circle again,
happy for once.
But something would have to tear us apart—
Fire in the heart, taking us back to where we started.
Floodgates open. Kisses from every source he ever knew.
I was ready to fade away once more,
but he kept me close. I couldn’t have asked for more
during these treacherous months
of finally discovering myself during inclement weather.
And now here we are, staring at the ultimate purpose,
apparently, and we don’t know when it’s going to happen,
when everything and everyone will be complete.
But we promised to meet up again and find out.
Never again can we say there was nothingness,
not if we have been waiting for this. 123000
Five-Pointed Stars
I took the chance
to believe burning
couldn't affect the one I knew so well.
Well, the devil's root
pierces once again.
A good discovery
turns all others scared
for until and then.
Unknown within,
the treasures to get to him.
Set ablaze,
never like before
in danger.
And then I'm scared again.
Water works
to drizzle the flame.
Whatever works
to have nothing change.
The fame! The glory!
I heard every version of his story
as he rolled his eyes.
He sees nothing wrong.
He has more followers--
but nothing's wrong.
I see how low I can hit the ground
and nothing's wrong.
He says,
and I believe,
and fall harder
once I have achieved--
I was thrust into knowing.
I was quickly seeing
in disbelief,
five-pointed stars
shooting silver shiny sparklers.
Fuckers, all lined up one-by-one
to watch
--shield my ears--
but watch
as nothing more
can ever be achieved.
I take leave
and told him to expect it too.
Beauty only remains
as we turn around again.
Fire burning,
it was our last chance.
112400
Flame Thrower
Just as I was falling asleep
forever
he comes flaming by
almost unnoticed
but famous, still
and by the view
I knew nothing
could stay the same.
He denies me,
and I deny the pain
I see in his scars
or all the sparkles in my stars
Hope...
showering down over me
but wrongly soaking.
And what is he, blowing by
and still something's gone.
We are not alone here
by the stone
used to crash and clatter
the sky above.
Forever
I am dying alone
by his flame. 112400
Why
Did you ever feel that your eyes gave you away?
Did your laugh ever show me more
insecurity than you wanted
anyone to ever know?
Did you brush by his arm
just to touch his flaming skin?
Did you know more than you ever wanted,
twenty times over your fill?
I will tell you what
can't help you more
by being obvious:
everyone feels the same.
So with that said,
why didn't I see the same in his eyes?
Why couldn't I decipher the fear in his laugh?
Why didn't I feel his skin burning beside mine?
Why doesn't he know I sit here
taking everyone one of his breaths
and saving it for me soul to use
when he's no longer around?
Why is equality also so uneven?
Why do we want what we cannot have?
Why do you ask why?
And he says, "Why not?" 112400
Enjoy the Moment
We finally lie
face to face
on his swimming sheets
where he sleeps every night
And now I'm here,
invited over the pillow
to take a dive into his dreams
He closes his eyes
and hides all but his lashes
that quiver: he is hardly asleep
And I move closer
"See me,
take me," my open eyes say,
but he cannot see me
and takes me away, anyway
The desperate soul begins to sway asleep
his way; cover the truth,
but enjoy the moment.
When he opens his eyes,
everything will be the same again.
112400
Red Eye
He has such friendly eyes,
the kind that sneak their way
into her hot, burning soul.
They go unnoticed, at first, as they search
for clues, a deeper way
into her mind and faith.
They are the home of
experience, shame, and hope
to find a pair of eyes as desperate
to find understanding.
And as he soul-searches
she quivers.
(Can you even remember their color?)
Should you let him in,
take down the cover
she took down to the river to mend?
Should she surprise him from the back,
tape, and lead him in?
Is she scared of what she might find
(crystal balls, they show a future...)?
And is she even listening as he screens?
She heard him
as he listened
to her speak,
and he said
everything on her mind.
Too late. He's already in.
Now where to go from here?
He takes one step closer
and recoils in embarrassment
when he cannot guess her direction.
The laugh distracts her for a second
as he comes closer to the fire.
Warmth.
As he feels deeper,
she's almost there--
unexplainable truths.
She felt the same
between the unknown.
The haze blankets their uncertainty.
Red rushes all around.
Different looks.
Some other sort of miracle.
Now comes from his eyes something unfamiliar.
She refuses to refuse.
He needs to need.
This far in, he's too late.
Now how to get there?
111900
"What a horrible crystal ball!"
I see it how it is.
I am what I see,
and all the other words
will make up a memory
and take me to somewhere where free
men won't abuse a girl
like me.
Honesty won't kill our chances.
I won't be fearful of the crystal ball
and his subliminal messages
in his voice, over the phone,
and somehow, I'm feeling more alone
than I have ever been
inside myself. I subside.
And I died on that lawnchair for you.
I'll never take it to where I will prove
anything more to you
except for your scent.
Man, I knew what you meant
as you carried a long way
all your worries, all your children along
with all your prey.
Funny how we always end up this way.
Silence.
Wondering what it's all supposed to mean.
I took the dramamine
and faded to sleep,
only to wake up
and find this reality far from a dream.
I look deeper
and recoil. Can't take it,
and I will boil
away to find the red within this gray
and some day,
I'll see you
and your gameface
in a better place.
Far from what I know as me;
I'll be in safety.
111700
#668
i never thought it would come to this:
a wish come true
before the penny tossed.
a hope for more
though nothing is lost.
or should i hope for less
as i imagine the best?
the currents keep blwoing,
and now he's more than showing
me a way to live.
this is a way to be:
to be challenged at every breath.
to feel exhausted
but strangely satisfied.
i see it all in his eyes,
but i refuse to believe
this is the way to be.
this is the only way to me. 092400
#667
Traffic lights scatter across the rims of his glasses
as shadows dive into puddles on the sidewalk.
Red to green.
I'm ready to go,
but he hesitates.
The speed was too fast
to catch his flickering heart,
his fleeting devotion
to another woman.
I run anyway.
I don't even check behind for an answer.
(I'd die anyway).
My mind changes
as fast as the hazard lights.
I forget for the moment,
but I'm reimbersed by the muse
in the window
behind the curtain,
guiding my life.
I turn around to check for certain.
But then he turns away.
Green to red.
I turn back to face ahead.
There's not other way. 091400
So sweet was never so
fatal. ~Othello (Shakespeare)