Rain falls on everyone...I'm just trying to
walk with you between the raindrops... ~SP
I wasn't mad when he left.
I wasn't mad when he didn't call
(though many will vouch
for madness).
For clarity,
I realized quickly,
"This time it's on my own."
For parody,
I tried to forget memories and
melodies, but I'd have to surrender
the effort instead.
No one listens anymore;
we all know I am the mess
that everyone compares themselves to
to make themselves feel better.
(I am a martyr in the making.)
I remember fireworks with Mom and dad
too well. I remember your slipping down your hand
for a touch closer to the heat.
Tonight a secret's coming out,
and I'd just plan to scream and shout,
"IT WAS BETTER
THAN ANYONE'S FIRST!"
And now I'm thirsty
for a request line,
a better hourglass to record our time,
our dreams apart;
Deepen our lively
adventures, where I once was regretful;
but I'm never able to turn over
the experience of sunset,
of fire, of the water
that separates us still.
I thought looks would kill,
but I'm taking the drills
until I'm fully bruised.
050200 (112299)
May Day
Letting go--
it's never going to happen.
Not letting it show
that all movements,
all breaths
are in yearning to let you know
that this "letting go"
was only the easier way to go.
Memories burned into souls,
our "forgetfulness" will erase all
we thought wasn't important to recall.
I've tried to enjoy what I love,
but even that is dying breath
floating among
words that will be coated
with only deathbed regrets,
silver penny bets
against all that would happen--
and did anyway.
Now that I know you're listening,
now that I know you're here,
there's no more "letting go,"
there's no more reason to fear.
050100
Tell Me What I Shouldn't Hear
Pollute my skies
but make the sunset
unimaginable.
Dye your innocent thoughts
in virgin blood--
before it drops.
Crumble memories
before they take us up again
and make us more than friends.
Sing me songs
but dilute the concentration
I have on your crystal eyes.
Don't let it come together--
you might see it clearer
when we're together,
but don't ask me what I'm feeling,
what these words are meaning
'cause I thought I had
lost you more every day,
but you've got me
thinking in a new way.
I've got answers for our yesterday
and a new way to read fortunes.
I've got new reasons
for wondering where you are
in every star;
you've got me inspired.
You've got me wondering
what I'm desiring
because you know who you are.
It's your move this time.
This time I've got to know...
is there farther to go?
050200
one
the masses
i was feeling reckless
as if this pen could not support
my free-flowing words,
could not catch your attention,
match the masterpiece of
free-falling years,
near-crawling fears
that surface too proudly
over soap-sudded dreams.
i must clean these things--
for we can no longer clean ourselves
up over lost time.
(there was never a lost feeling.)
we are just beginning.
we are one step ahead
for just acknowledging
the separateness
of this seemingly connected form.
how dare others feel
bringing in another being to the heart
be relieving!
they're only feeling other hearts
outside their ribs,
trying to knock down perfect boundaries,
calling and only finding echoes.
you are too lonely.
i am, too, holding
too much back
from the ones
i should be honest with.
but at least i know
the truth.
041800, #605
we are victims of the innocents
we are separated
just so we'll never
understand ourselves and
each other in this life.
it's a game to win,
to take over the weak.
we try to find
ourselves in each other.
it's the closest to the truth
that we've ever been.
the flowers were tokens of love,
signs of appreciation
for staying so close
when we were really too far
into losing ourselves
in another day so familiar,
so simple.
complications are the
closing curtains of our stage.
comfort only lasts so long--
'til you are ready to watch
it waste away.
we're not drowning in our insecurities--
we're only using experiences to pierce
another victim down
onto pen and paper.
to handle ourselves carefully,
we have to be carefree.
041900, #606
To Abstain
I wanted to kiss these nights away.
"Thanks for taking me all this way,
keeping me alive 'til today
with still no direction, no say
in how my role will play
a day from this rain
shivering on glass trees; it's plain
to see I must keep these memories in your name."
Trust me, I learned to scream in pain.
Was it wrong to pray
to stay alone in hopes that we may
live and lie as one again?
Was it a crime to play
the songs until I was blank?
Were my words too gray,
too obvious to stain
you to stay?
I wanted to abstain
from the profane
use of yesterdays
in an effort to keep the days away.
I wanted to wait
for you to turn and say,
"I've come back to stay
in your arms another day."
Instead I came too late.
040200, #599
Birthday Deathbed
I gotta say
gotta say it
..now
before I blow it away.
Worried that I've begun to see myself
.as I fall
as though it were all
..that mattered now
and always again
..we'll see it repeating
..within ourselves
to be friends--
.yes, that's what we were
we are?
.too automatic, too sudden.
I crave to ask,
"Will we ever be alone
again?"
..(Nothing is safe.)
Your habits will kill it, anyway.
I wanted to walk through the waves
to save the kites
..that flew away
..in breezes of heavy sighs,
..millions of miles away.
Never to stay,
.just stain the white
.of your artificial blue
.eyes full of red
roses.
.No one knows this...
No one else seems me miss
a bouquet of kisses
this much
.when I'm cold
..finally real
.too, to believe
..that there really is no other force
.behind the intentions
..that brought me here
.in the
..first
place
..I've won a back-seat
to the backbeat
..of your flaming heart--
..I overshot from the start
and decided to bleed my heart instead
..for you.
To you, an opportunity
..to fly away with your mouth full.
Another game we play.
Another path lost to yesterday.
Another truth too great.
.
.I will never be the same.
.
.I will blow away.
.
.040200, #600
the heart that dies alone
never knowing what's going to happen,
i usually sleep with hopes that a dream
will become reality,
but instead i'm numbed to find
i'll sleep again
without you there.
and i can't even tell you why i care
to keep you this close,
to make you what i hope for
because nothing can be like it was before,
and there's really no reason
to wish for more,
'cause i've been stoned;
i've stored you away in boxes:
letters, flowers, pictures
of another time,
for another place
to share when it won't hurt so much
to see the light striking
the turned-upside-down heart
that will never be the same.
MY HEART DIED ALONE IN THAT BOX.
when i'm alone, i ask myself,
"why did i let this happen?
did i give myself away one frantic night
knowing i'd be here now
so empty, forever close to being fixed--
always finding myself just starting
to crawl back inside myself?"
i know i'll have to conquer this by myself,
and discreetly i'll let you know
i'm on my way to recovery.
but i won't let you indifference
sway me
back.
040200, #601
Spring Forward, Fall Back
This Daylight Fading
was the hardest of them all;
it should have taken
122 hours before
to restore this feeling.
Is he thinking
he should have stayed closer?
Is he making do,
making well the compliments,
making compliments for all too well,
those who make the love
that i never understood--
it was always farther than that,
deeper than that.
I thought I knew him better than that,
but I learned by my dosage again.
I took a new stand to wonder:
Where to begin?
This just in: we're all going to make it through,
but that must be meaning more somehow.
I'm taking more precaution now;
I'm testing the waters before I drown in them,
and baptize myself in dissolving eyes
that never would understand my lies--
maybe it's time to demoralize,
sink myself in bluer hues
just to get a rise out of some of you.
I think this springing forward
is bound to bring something back.
040200, #602
Woke up
Realized I had hurt you so
six months ago;
six sweaty lovers undergo
the same thought
too late
and everything you want
is never everything you need.
The melodies know the greed.
I know the mistake.
And theres nothing left to take
after its all said and done.
Wanted to run
from this place.
Realized I had hurt you so
in the same grace
that prevents me from feeling so
good again.
Now friends and nothing more.
I wish I was a pure as I had been before
with the echoes of angels,
with the praises under my belt
I had it all,
and I knew what I felt.
Now that youre gone
no, this wont be another love song.
Youve heard them all before.
Now a desire,
but theres nothing more.
032800, #598
I'm Falling Again
Twins saw him falling again in their dreams
last night, and I didn't know whether
to cry or to wait
..once more
for someone to wake me
from my own sleep
.my own confusion.
He's not home.
He'll never be back again
.no matter
what people say.
Those snow-covered mountains are higher
than I could ever take him.
I knew I was losing him from the start.
I wish I hadn't bled my heart
to show true love--
...though I never had his.
I thought bliss would cover up
hindering worries,
but they've only been filtered back,
for they say he's coming back
.no matter
what I try to say Though I know
he's leaving the hollow
skeleton of unending love behind.
I'm forever blind--
..now broken in,
always dying from within
Twins dreams...
maybe I was the one falling,
cause I have been living in these dreams
too long. 113099, #567
The Regret of Promises
I'm killing myself
over promises made for a future.
Like virginity, I didn't want to
give such a connection--or
lack thereof--a chance
to fly (away).
I'm lost in the pain
of losing myself.
I'm crashing
into the infinite space
of fate, of lost opportunities--
of something I may
or may not
have had control over.
Your heart, though
just a supplier
but the source of
my life, though
separate from myself.
I'm not myself, though
anymore after I promised
pre-Christmas presents
to myself with an essence
of yesterday caught in the bow.
Instead I'm walking
between broken glass ornaments,
trying to find a way out of
mirrored walls of this construction site
into something more stable
to look forward to
each night. 112999, #566
Love-Knot
Someone tied my heart
in pink ribbons,
and I haven't been able to open up again.
If anything, I've closed down
inside myself,
for I'm beside myself,
trying to pass each day
without remembering
the fireworks of Independence Day;
While everything else escapes me,
this memory
is a stone in my throat.
Like sugar in my coffee,
I'm still convinced that we were meant to be
even after you turned me down
at midnight: our tacit fight in the
(silver) ring
doesn't have to mean anything...
There's just something that tells me
that things might be different
(but perhaps, just the same)
when you come back...
I think it's the swelling
in my heart which tells me that.
112499 (9.19.99), #564
Resolution I
I'll watch the sun
fall over the horizon
and remember all
of the fireworks we encountered
on a First Night.
Today was the first fright
(secondary to Sunday nights),
but I'm coming down,
and you're coming home,
and I'm too ready to surrender,
I know.
I remember
too well your voice,
though emptiness has left me too much choice
between rhyme and reason.
Though time has passed,
the sun will come back
to shine upon me
(happiness).
I've decided to destroy regret
but to never forget
to never love this hard again. 112099, #562
Resolution II
I'd tell you more
if I wasn't unsure
where you'd fly from here.
I'd make clay replicas
of concert seats,
easy chairs, and
candle-lit dinners
on the back patio
if I didn't think they'd be
glazed over at this point in time.
It's gone, I know.
I have admitted to myself--
I've crashed too many nights.
"No one's good enough for you,"
I've been told,
so I've stopped expecting
(or wanting) as much.
Though I still reserve this seat for you
by the sunset,
for our secret
I'll always remember
a first kiss,
a first peak into your soul,
and the closing doors at the end
of our tunneling, blinding
love.
And I'll go on,
though it's gone
and done. 112099, #563
Tin-Thin Tokens
I'm coming down
from my French champagne,
the climactic development
in my unruly rage
of remaining too long
in my otherwise empty cage.
I admittedly didn't know what it all meant
'til you left
(caught in the webs
of your already-tangled mind).
You once locked me in
as Loneliness
as you kissed this girl
good-bye.
"Thanks for the time
spent," you whispered
as a farewell.
It was then I knew
I'd never kick this spell;
I'd remain in this burning hell
with copper-wire wings and
a white choir gown,
among other things
I've tried to change about myself.
But I can't help but wear
my tin-thin ring
and stare blankly until my eyes sting.
Though I'm losing out
even more than before, I know
I'm arriving at remission--
the only thing keeping me
from falling into you
is truth...and you know it better
than I do. 111699, #554
A Purpose to Serve
Homecoming is
too fast for too good.
I'd rather be swimming
in your turquoise blues,
but even you're sliding
over the horizon into believing
dreams. It's easier, it seems,
to do the rearranging in our own
fantasies due to
what we choose to
see. But I don't even care if you're
reading closely...
I'd rather see it blindly
in the corners of my mind
until the feelings start to remind
me of something from a
Sunday. I couldn't bring it closer
to the fact
that I'd do anything to have you back...
but I'll have to wait until the white
fades to black
to have it mystical, magical...
maybe I'll see you on our
gradual incline...
you know--
it was just you and me...
will I dream
so hard.
Soliloquy in the Snow
I took a walk through the midnight blizzard
because my mom was too afraid of the weather conditions.
But I could never thank her enough, for it was my mission
to find myself in the melting snow tonight.
I walked around the gravesite of our former life,
and I had meant to leave flowers,
but they would have only froze.
But just like this picture
single footprints circling a single oblivion
our memories are frozen in blocks of time
that no one will ever see again,
that only we will remember and cherish.
Admittedly, I tried to recreate our first glances,
our first kiss, and our first dance
in the reflecting moon,
but it wasnt the same; it was stained
with the untouchable embraces,
the solemn words, and the unconnected stares
that cover our sacred tombstones for now
and forever.
I thought I was mad because I had no more chances,
but I realized quickly I was merely mad to have lost control
over all my romances.
"Ill dominate the next one!" I whispered to myself,
but there were only snowflakes to hear me
and no one there to relieve me.
I took out the elegy my dear Cherub had written,
and as I read allowed I saw that I had given too much;
tonight was the first night that I ever regretted our adventure,
and I didnt know whether to laugh or cry.
Because tears would have frozen on frigid hands,
I decided my laughter would better echo in the woods
for all the future generations to learn from my wounds.
It took this visit surrounded in death to recognize
that I was not missing you but merely the memory.
It took ten months of wanting
to be only in your arms.
It took nine months of waiting
for the response I still have never heard.
It took eight months of pure clarification
to feel secure for once.
It took seven months of indecision,
even after the final resolution.
It took six months away from my life
to learn whats on the other side.
It took five months within a spell
to finally light candles for the oversight.
It took four months of endless analysis
to decide I loved you more than myself.
It took three months of "getting by,"
though I knew Id say goodbye once more.
It took two months of sex and here after to know this sex of words
obliterated the meaning of anything else coming.
And it took one month to lose you once more
to find myself again.
It took one walk around my grave to see
that things will never be the way they were before.
It took one walk outside my mind to see
that I dont need you anymore. 012100, #586
Silent Snow
I skidded out of love that Tuesday night,
past the red light,
speeding through that familiar intersection.
I learned a new direction;
a new faith
guided me through silent snow
and frozen memories (in time).
I promised never to forget,
and I will never forget that promise
and all it meant at the time then
and "forever hours" afterward.
I wouldnt have wanted to lose you this way,
but the tides parted that one day
I forgot to speak to you.
(I never forgot to know you.)
But I dont regret it;
I was forced into a life
that was more than a step,
but I will learn and forgive those who forget.
Somehow its all clearer now
with each snow flake falling to tell me
not to be afraid of being different. 011800, #585
Reflections in The End
A reflection used to say so much
until you realized it was backwards all along.
He was beautiful and divine
until you realized your perception was always wrong.
...and Id like to thank you for deserving me,
completing me how I wanted to be.
Id take a star and place you on its point
to shine above and far
away from the monstrosity you left behind
after you lost the urge to find
your way through it all.
You were there for the photographs
while I was looking for more.
You were there when we laughed til it hurt,
til we parted with a tear,
but I was only supplied with fear.
...and I wouldn't have wanted to lie
when it came down to the end.
But here is where I lie
now, facing the mirror of The End,
and I can only think how ironic it is
that we'd take it to this place
only to drop it thirteen stories once more.
I didnt know it would hurt more than before,
but I was captured by your beauty
and twist turned backwards
in your sight. 011000, #581
Distanced Miles
to Mike V.
I feel distanced
now that I have come closer
to understanding;
I'm over
analyzing the waves,
the smiles.
You could have driven for miles
away from my mind,
but again you've returned
to pick me up,
drop me off
at the bus stop
of sleeping realities
that must have been printed
on sunburns years' past.
Passed years couldn't explain
silenced fantasies
or where they've taken me,
but you could only imagine;
you're the only one who ever saw it coming
as the sun fell over me.
Your body over me
I once said.
Now I can only plea for someone to
"Save me, save me, save me,"
for no one will catch me.
Help me find a way back to me
now that I am closer to you.
Unforgotten smilesFoolish Smiles
for miles and miles.011300, #582
I've tried to move passed
the cupid's arrow,
for it's another turn in line.
It's time for me to sleep
in hopes of finding love
soaked through my eyes,
each new morning,
each new love.
I couldn't help but admit
that spending seven days in the sun
with you was one of the worst choices ever,
but I wish I could tell you now
with your new sunburned surrender
that her smiles are not the sun
from both sides;
the sunbeam glare tends to die. 021100, #587
We Could Have Been
Giving up on giving in.
I guess we're better than we could have been
in dimming lights of school courtyards--
a secret full of shards
of glass from shattering dreams
of all we could have seen...
Inspired once again:
pushing that envelope towards "more than friends"
makes it harder for bittersweet amends
in the end--
but is it ever
really
over?
I let it reign.
I feel the rain.
It soaks through memories
and stains them like strawberries
of another erotic pleasure
in only two minds.
I'm the only one who finds that special
apparently... missing more
than the time it would ever take to unwind.
So it was better to close down
from the opening of the heart.
It must have been another battle wound
from another war against
hard love. 031800, #592
Dismount
I've been told only love can win.
Winners. Losers.
A million
hearts are broken every day
with no one left to spend
the ransom
on Starbucks treats
and delicacies
under sun-shot blankets,
wrapped in the only warmth
that'll ever remain true.
(And even the Star belongs
only to the blue-
ness of every day.)
The sun's moon is suddenly more blinding
like your eyes were during the landing,
feeling something never felt--
and never to be felt again.
I gave that to my best friend;
an artificial security
in hopes that one day the past will come alive.
To reach a higher mountain,
the hopes are to survive
each test of your strength,
each defeat of your challenge
as the stage is shattered again. 032200, #594
First Time
For the first time,
she's angry for the last time
you spent together
in the company of each other
while you knew
the truth--
this last time
was the last time for good.
For the better of the neighborhood,
you promised never to play
with these matches again
and go back to the love of friends
(with the touches of lovers),
to seek amends
knowing the rest will remain undercover
to the rest of the world...
this girl won't forget,
can't regret the hard love
but can never get
it back to where you were
that last time.
And for the first time
she'd like to say you were wrong...
just in time to bleed
away every last memory
within every last song. 032200, #596
Caramel
Have you ever seen those eyes
that just make your heart sting?
So gorgeous that they'd make your head spin,
always in disbelief
that they're seeing you
through the Iris of those caramel
dreams--fields of strawberries
that would never be the same.
Screaming his name inside
just so that the moment will never die.
The eyes that search your soul
for an invitation,
the eyes that scan your body
for an entrance,
the eyes that drag your eyes
for an understanding
for the tears the night before.
The eyes that you will love
and remember forever
for never making it as far
as you might have liked.
The eyes with broken stars,
gazes of aggression,
stares of compassion;
eyes that will never succeed
except in coating belief
with crazy, caramel dreams. 032200, #597
Rain falls on everyone...I'm just trying to
walk with you between the raindrops... ~SP