.. and then sat down promptly.
Back Seat Blond
A guy took a blonde out on a date one night. Eventually they ended up
parked at 'lovers point' where they started making out. After things
started to progress, the guy thought he might get lucky. After a few
more minutes of fooling around, he asked his date, "Do you want to get
into the back seat?"
"NO!" she answered.
Okay, he thought, maybe she's not ready yet.
Now he has her shirt and skirt off and the windows are steamed. Things are getting really hot, so he asks again.
"Do you want to get into the back seat?"
"NO!" she answers again.
Now he has her bra off, they're both very sweaty, and she even has his pants unzipped. Okay, he thinks, she HAS to want it now.
"Do you want to get into the back seat NOW?" he asks again.
"NO!" she answers yet again.
Frustrated, he demands, "Well, why not?"
"Because I want to stay up here with you!"
63 Things You May Not Know
1. Money isn't made out of paper, it's made out of cotton.
3. A rat can last longer without water than a camel.
4. Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks,
otherwise it will digest itself.
5. The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp paper.
6. The dot over the letter 'i' is called a tittle.
7. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up
and down continually from the bottom of the glass to the top.
8. Susan Lucci is the daughter of Phyllis Diller.
9. A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find a
mate.
10. A duck's quack doesn't echo. No one knows why.
11. A 2x4 is 1-1/2 x 3-1/2
12. 40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.
13. Every person has a unique tongue print.
14. The 'spot' on 7UP comes from its inventor who had red eyes.
He was albino.
15. 315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.
16. During the chariot scene in 'Ben Hur' a small red car can be seen
in the distance.
17. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily.
18. John Wilkes Booth's brother once saved the life of Abraham
Lincoln's son.
19. Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother and sister.
20. Chocolate kills dogs! True, chocolate effects a dog's heart and
nervous system, a few ounces is enough to kill a
small sized dog.
21. Daniel Boone detested coonskin caps.
22. Playing cards were issued to British pilots in WWII. If captured,
they could be soaked in water and unfolded to
reveal a map for escape.
23. Most lipstick contains fish scales.
24. Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the
shark's stomach from underneath, causing the shark to
explode.
25. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't
wear pants.
26. Dr. Seuss actually pronounced Seuss such that it sounded like
Sue-ice.
27. Ketchup was sold in the 1830s as medicine.
28. Leonardo da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the
other at the same time.
29. During the California Gold Rush of 1849, miners sent their laundry
to Honolulu for washing and pressing. Due to the
extremely high costs in California during these boom years it was deemed
more feasible to send the shirts to Hawaii for
servicing.
30. American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive
from each salad served in first class.
31. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II
were made of wood.
32. The number of possible ways of playing the first four moves per
side in a game of chess is 318,979,564,000.
34. There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos.
35. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with: orange,
purple, and silver!
36. The numbers '172' can be found on the back of the U.S. $5 dollar
bill in the bushes at the base of the Lincoln
Memorial.
37. The name Wendy was made up for the book Peter Pan, there was never
a recorded Wendy before!
38. The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin during World
War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.
39. There are four cars and eleven lightposts on the back of a $10
dollar bill.
40. Leonardo Da Vinci invented scissors, also, it took him 10 years to
paint Mona Lisa's lips.
41. If one places a tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion, it will
instantly
go mad and sting itself to death.
42. Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to SLOW a film down
so you could see his moves. That's the opposite of
the norm.
43. If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have
$1.19. You also have the largest amount of money
in coins without being able to make change for a dollar.
45. The mask used by Michael Myers in the original Halloween was
actually a Captain Kirk mask painted white.
46. The original name for the butterfly was 'flutterby'!
47. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law
which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your
thumb.
48. The first product Motorola started to develop was a record player
for automobiles. At that time the most known player
on the market was theVictrola, so they called themselves Motorola.
49. Roses MAY Be red, but violets ARE, indeed, violet.
50. By raising your legs slowly and lying on your back, you can't sink
in quicksand.
52. Celery has negative calories! It takes more calories to eat piece
of celery than the celery has in it to begin with.
53. Charlie Chaplin once won third prize in a Charlie Chaplin look
alike contest.
54. In Gulliver's Travels Jonathan Swift described the two moons of
Mars, Phobos and Deimos, giving their exact size and speeds of
rotation. He did this more than 100 years before either moon was
discovered.
55. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying!
56. Sherlock Holmes NEVER said Elementary, my dear Watson.
57. An old law in Bellingham, Wash., made it illegal for a woman
to take more than 3 steps backwards while dancing.
58. Sharon Stone was the first Star Search spokesmodel.
59. The glue on Israeli postage stamps is certified kosher.
60. Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most
often stolen from Public Libraries.
61. Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space
because passing wind in a spacesuit damages them.
62. Back in the mid to late 80's, an IBM compatible computer wasn't
considered a hundred percent compatible unless it could run
Microsoft's Flight Simulator.
63. Bats always turn left when exiting a cave!
Reasons for allowing drinking at work While this may appear simply as a joke, if you read carefully below, the logic is actually pretty sound.
1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It reduces stress.
3. It leads to more honest communications.
4. It reduces complaints about low pay.
5. It cuts down on time off because you
can work with a hangover.
6. Employees tell management what they think,
not what management wants to hear.
7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.
8. It encourages carpooling.
9. Increases job satisfaction because if you
have a bad job you don't care.
10. It eliminates vacations because people w
would rather come to work.
11. It makes fellow employees look better.
12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises
when they have had a couple of drinks
14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
True Funny Stories I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants.
I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter in to the Emergency room right away.
-------
I worked for a while at a Wal-Mart store, selling sporting goods. As an employee of Wal-Mart you are sometimes required to make store-wide pages, e.g.,"I have a customer in hardware who needs assistance at the paint counter."
One night a tentative female voice came over the intercom system with the (I kid you not) following message:
"I have a customer by the balls in toys who needs assistance."
Morals of the Story
LESSON 1:
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw
the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day
long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the
ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared,
jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
LESSON 2
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to
the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the
energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull
"They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and
found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first
branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he
reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was
proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by
a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
LESSON 3:
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird
froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there,
a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there
in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung
was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon
began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to
investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the
pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!
The Morals of this story:
1) Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut!
Longevity
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.
She said to him, "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look.
What's your secret for a long, happy life?"
He answered, "I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day, and I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never ever exercise."
"Wow, That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?"
"Twenty-Six," he said.
Strawberries
A woman came home from a nearby farm with two buckets
of cow manure for her garden.
"What's that for?" asked 6 year old Kelly.
"The strawberries, " Mom answered.
After staring at the buckets for a moment, Kelly asked,
"Can I just have mine with whipped cream?"
Costume Party
A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She
got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the
party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she
argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to
bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by
not going. So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.
She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."
Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time!"
How to Tick People Off
1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper,
99 copies.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "TO-GO."
4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while
talking to others.
5. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
6. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather
conditions "to keep them tuned up."
7. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what you think."
8. Practice making fax and modem noises.
9. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc" them
to your boss.
10. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
11. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with
prophesy."
12. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your
ears and grimacing.
13. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge
across the room.
14. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
15. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and
insist to others that you "like it that way."
16. Staple pages in the middle of the page.
17. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise.
18. Honk and wave to strangers.
19. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their
complimentary mints at the cash register.
20. TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
21. type only in lowercase.
22 dont use any punctuation either
23. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole
streets.
24. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times.
"DO YOU HEAR THAT?"
"What?"
"Never mind, it's gone now."
25. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
26. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of
your chin. When nearly done, announce "No, wait, I messed it up," and
repeat.
27. Ask people what gender they are.
28. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a
parakeet.
29. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see
if they slow down.
30. Sing along at the opera.
31. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
32. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their
answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."
MAHATMA GHANDI
Courtesy of Dave
As you know, Ghandi walked barefoot most of the time which gave him an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail, and with his odd diet he suffered from bad breath. So what does all of this produce?
A SUPER CALLUSED FRAGILE MYSTIC PLAGUED WITH HALITOSIS.
Computers - Male or Female
A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine orfeminine. Things like 'chalk' or 'pencil,' she described,
would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral. Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?" The teacher wasn't certain which it was, and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was comprised of the women in the class, and the other, of men. Both groups were asked to give four
reasons for their recommendation.
The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you might have had a better model.
The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
Serving Time
It was mealtime during our trip on a small airline in the Northwest.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in front of me.
"What are my choices?" he asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.
Amazing Anagrams...
Anagrams are words or phrases made by transposing or rearranging letter of other words or phrases. This is a list of some pretty good ones, obviously there are people out there with way too much time on their
hands. Lets have a look at them...
"Dormitory" - Dirty Room
"Desperation" - A Rope Ends It
"The Morse Code" - Here Come Dots
"Slot Machines" - Cash Lost in 'em
"Animosity" - Is No Amity
"Mother-in-law" - Woman Hitler
"Snooze Alarms" - Alas! No More Z's
"Alec Guinness" - Genuine Class
"Semolina" - Is No Meal
"The Public Art Galleries" - Large Picture Halls, I Bet
"A Decimal Point" - I'm a Dot in Place
"The Earthquakes" - That Queer Shake
"Eleven plus two" - Twelve plus one
"Contradiction" - Accord not in it
Here are some big daddy ones...
"That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind." Anagram: "A thin man ran; makes a large stride, left planet, pins flag on moon! On to Mars!"
"President Clinton of the USA" Anagram: "To copulate he finds interns."
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
SUBJECT: SICK LEAVE POLICY
SICKNESS: No excuse...We will no longer accept your doctor's statement as proof. We believe that if you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
AN OPERATION: We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage any thoughts that you may need an operation. We believe that as long as you are an employee here, you will need all of whatever you have and should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we bargained for.
DEATH:
Other than your own: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for them, and we are sure that someone else can attend to the arrangements. However, if the funeral can be held in the
late afternoon, we will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently let you leave 1 hour early, provided your share of the work is ahead enough to keep the job going in your absence.
Your own: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as we feel it is your duty to train your replacement.
ALSO: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin with "A" will go from 8:00-8:15, and so on. If you're unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes again.
We appreciate your cooperation,
THE MANAGEMENT
Deep Thoughts
From an actual newspaper contest where entrants ages 4 to 15 were asked to imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey."
I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life? --Age 15
Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money. --Age 13
It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday, like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends. --Age 8
Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any ol' person vote. --Age 10
Home is where the house is. --Age 6
I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular a singer as some people think he should be. Then, I remember it's because he stinks. --Age 15
For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out. --Age 6
My younger brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth--that most of us go to hell and burn eternally-- but I didn't want to upset him. --Age 10
I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself, at which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they appear beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over one's right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition. I tell Plato that I live in the country that has come the closest to Utopia, and I show him a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle that we have found many more than four basic elements and I show him a periodic table. I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They gasp with wonder. We spend the rest of the night burping. --Age 15
When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell. --Age 5
I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was just a lawn mower. --Age 11
I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that the wet paint is a big fresh water lake that is the only source of water for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the population gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots. Once there was a big fire and everyone died. --Age 13
As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up. --Age 7
Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number. --Age 15
It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there. --Age 5
Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five more than the biggest number you could come up with! --Age 6
The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe "Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't it morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?" --Age 15
Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really needed them, right? -Age 15
If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started. --Age 15
AMERICAN MOVIE RATING SYSTEM EXPLAINED
G: Nobody gets the girl.
PG: The Good Guy Gets The Girl.
R: The Bad Guy Gets The Girl.
X: Everybody Gets The Girl.
XXX: Everybody gets the girl, her mother, and their cocker spaniel.
Fun Thoughts
1. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
3. I doubt, therefore I might be.
4. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be
able to say it.
5. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in
large groups.
6. The older you get, the better you realize you were.
7. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
8. Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.
9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and
drink beer all day.
10. Women like silent men, they think they're listening.
11. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be
hungry?
12. If work is so terrific, how come they have
to pay you to do it?
13. If all the world is a stage, where is the
audience sitting?
14. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
The New Dictionary
Websters came out with a new dictionary to reflect the modern times. Here are a few highlight of what's inside
ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both
ends and is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born
and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
GOSSIP:
A person who will never tell a lie if the
truth will do more damage.
HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.
INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MYTH:
A female moth.
MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN:
Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.
YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES:
Something other people have. You have character lines.
TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
Top 10 Reasons to keep America Online
AOL. You all know it. Some of you love it. Others hate it. But, you gotta admit, there are plenty of reasons to keep it, no matter what your more experienced internet/online friends say. Here are my top ten:
10- Busy signals? No problem, I'm not alone, there are
10 Million other people also waiting to log on.
9- Doesn't America Online own the Internet?
8- It came with my Windows, if I get rid of it, won't
Windows stop working?
7- They erase all of my mail every month, just when
I'm about done reading it.
6- They must be good, I saw an ad on a bus.
5- I know they must be good because it takes me an hour
to get through to tech support
4- If they're raising the prices, then it
must be getting better - Right?
3- What else am I supposed to do with all of those
free disks and CDs they send me?
2- What else is there?
1- Where else can I chat with a 52-year-old man
named Bubbles, in Germany?
Smuggling
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He has two large bags
over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"
"Sand," answered Juan.
The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike."
The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"
"Sand," says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events if repeated every day for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.
"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about..... I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"
Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."
Reading Between the Lines
John Jones, the head of the company asked his manager to write
a detailed employment review describing Bob Smith, one of his
programmers.
1. Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2. hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
3. wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4. thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
5. finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended
6. measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7. breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8. vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9. knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10. classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
11. dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
12. promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13. executed as soon as possible.
Signed ...
Jim
A memo was soon sent following the letter:
John,
That idiot was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the
report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd numbered lines above
(1, 3, 5, etc...) for my true assessment of him.
Regards ...
Jim
Gates in Hell
The US Justice Department - unable to sentence Bill Gates to any meaningful economic fine decided that his punishment would be more severe - and sentenced him to eternity in Hell.
Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Frankly releasing Windows 95 two years early, would by itself, have landed you here. But enough of that.
"You've arrived on a day when I'm in a good mood, so I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever."
Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are being tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are being chased about and devoured by starving lions.
Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a beautiful young woman with an alluring look on her face, at a table on which there is a bottle of the finest wine. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner.
Without hesitation thinking he outsmatred the devil, Bill says "I'll take this option."
"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan then locks the door.
As Satan turns around, he bumps into Lucifer. "That was Bill Gates!cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best room in the house?"
"That's what everyone thinks" snickered Satan. "The vintage bottle of wine you see - It has a hole in it. That Beautiful young lady - She doesn't"
"What about the PC?"
"Oh, If you look carefully, you'll see that it crashed!" laughed Satan. And it's missing three keys,"
"Which three?"
"Control, Alt and Delete."
Never attribute to malice what can be adequately
explained by stupidity. ~Nick Diamos