5.30.00

(Intro)

I am trying hard to keep the flame alive,

In a lonesome cigarette filled night.

And in days spent behind the desk singing the hymn of workday doldrums.

I’m trying hard to jump ahead,

Forge through the obstacles I have placed in front of myself,

There are no excuses for this cancer,

No reasons for why it has arrived,

It is a silent stalker like my memories,

Coming up and taking over me.

(For Danielle)

Please forgive me,

I do not mean to be this way,

Or to treat you so badly,

There are times when I loe you so much,

That in order fo us to survive,

I have to push you away,

Remind myself of my life without you,

How cold and empty this bed would be without you,

How much I hate myself and my ways,

And how much sadness I keep locked up in my heart.

(Manuel’s Song)
Manuel- you are the root of my sadness,

Pictures of your grim face-

All reminders of the poison in my veins,

Tricks that my mind plays,

And reminders of the roots of my sorrows,

You trouble me in my daily thoughts,

10 years now after the storm,

I still feel your waves ripple onto my shores,

Rocking me gently to sleep.

(Fantastic Night)

Night that should be so fantastic,

First night of summer,

The sound of the cars rushing outside my window mixing with the serenade of the crickets,

Distant TV’s playing music in the hallways,

A baby is crying in the heat of the night,

But I am locked up here,

With only the aching heart.

Suddenly all of time freezes,

While wishing for a beer to put me to sleep.

There is a rising tide of emotions that I wish to finally wash over me

   And cleanse me.

Night that should be electric,

Spent in my friends’ embrace,

Lifting pints and singing songs like we used to,

Now all along in our separate routines ,

Lost strangers in each other’s worlds.

Where is this night heading ?

What dreams will come and send me to serenity ?

Where is Steven tonight?

(I have not heard from him in days)

Is mom ok? Is she feeling the same restlessness that I am in the night?

This unease in a midnight summer breeze?

(Appreciate)

Spend so much time destroying myself ,

Drinking from bottle after bottle as a refuge,

Laying next to Danielle on my 26^th birthday I hid so much,

That I forgot to breath more then once,

Went to the hospital a week later afraid that I was about to die,

While Mr. Sanders laid next to me on life support,

And Uncle Babe,

Said his final good byes.

But the night is halted,

Time has issued a stay of execution,

People are breathing heavier in Santa Monica,

Thinking harder then usual as they die in their BMW’s,

Taking a moment to stop on the 405,

Study the stars for a moment,

Ponder what they all mean,

Search for loved ones lost along the way,

It is then that the car is best left behind,

The houses all-best burned down,

The children and the cheating wife embraced,

For they will stand the test of time,

If you give them the chance.

(Beauty Left…)

SO there might be some beauty left in the night to celebrate and to sing about,

Something beyond the sound of Negroes shooting my Latino brothers,

Something more then the faint shriek of the Aztec ghosts,

As a Texan sits down to eat a burrito at Taco Bell,

Something beyond the judgmental stare of people in the mall,

Or the faint whisper of the homeless mixed in with the crowd on the 3^rd Street Promenade,

There maybe some beauty left in this night after all,

That is not filled with the voices of my heart,

Or moments of rainy afternoons while “vacationing” at UCI,

Something beyond the flag on Manuel’s casket later laying in my mother’s lap,

Beyond being drunk and alone on New Years- kissing on imaginary girls for comfort,

Maybe that flame is still alive,

Maybe God is still alive and well in Ladera Heights and was on the phone ordering

  Laker’s tickets when I was talking to him

But there is beauty still in southern California.

(Final Farewell)

IN remembrance of simplicity,

Summer days I spent when I was young on the beach,

Watching sunsets with Elizabeth on the cliffs,

We used to run there every day during the summer to take photos,

Capture each day of our love,

Recall each minute we spent together,

It was the same place that Cynthia and I would share a sandwich,

And she would expose to me all of her life,

And I let her into mine.

Or how about my first shy kiss in 3^rd grade with Krissie,

The victory of my first fight in 6^th grade,

When I learned the fury of my fist and the power my hands held,

And soon took them to Manuel,

Learning at last to draw blood from his mighty face,

Or the feeling of that first poem at 11 years old,

All of those moments I spent alone on nights just like this,

With nothing but a pen and a piece of paper.

No more will I lament for Southern California,

She has seen me at my worst,

These are not her songs,

There are my songs to myself and for my friends and family,

Not for Hollywood,

Not for Long Beach,

Not for Northridge,

Torrance,

Lomita,

Redondo,

Harbor City,

Or Sherman Oaks,

Not for the tennis skirts and horses in Palos Verdes,

Or the shimmering wealth of Beverly Hills,

She has her own problems to deal with,

And her own people to forgive.

I will turn my attention to the Arizona deserts,

To open Nevada highways,

A summer ball game in Wrigley Field,

To Mike, Frank, Rob and I – wandering drunk over our roads in life,

To my sister following up on her dreams,

To Steven singing me to my sleep,

And to the security of my mother’s embrace after one of Manuel’s rages,

The warmth that only she could bring to me,

I will remember myself,

The beauty that is hiding inside of me,

On this,

This fantastic,

This electric,

Summer night,

And that flame,

I will keep that flame,

Alive.