The Adventure Begins!

Myself, Wodj, and Jay all have happy hour together and make plans to go out for an evening of drunkenness and debauchery. Wodj and I have the single goal of finding some women and giving it to them good! We head for a suburb named Naperville. This is where the young women are at, and also the cheapest place to drink around. We arrive, get drunk, and begin the search. The first bar we were in, called Features, was full of nothing but married women and toothless men. Not to be deterred we head for Frankie's Blue Room. Now I figured that we would do well here seeing that it was blues music and anything called Frankie's must be cool. Boy was I wrong! No sooner did we enter than three of what I guess I will call women surrounded us! It was like an ambush. They said they were LPGA golfers, does anything more need to be said about there looks, and that they were on the hunt for meat. We tried to escape but our addiction to alcohol screwed us again. These bush hogs started buying us shots and drinks at a staggering rate, and we just kept slamming them back. Well they forced all of us to dance and this is when bad, or good depending on your perspective, things started to happen. Jay proceeded to drop one of these heifers right on her head. It was like a friggin’ body slam!!! Shortly there after the drinks dried up and the trolls crept back to the rocks from which they had crawled out of. There were no other women except for this hot bartender chick. Jay left and Wodj and myself hit on the hot bartender until we got kicked out. I went home that night thinking if the weekend starts this bad it can only get better. Little did I realize I had just mutter the famous call of the loser!!!

Mind Eraser Boogaloo!!

The day started off by going to the store to buy a fifth of JD and some shit to barbeque. Wodj and I begin slamming drinks around one or two in the afternoon and by six the fifth and a twelver of beer are tossed. Needless to say we are absolutely hammered and are prepared to go back out into the battle fields! We decide to try a new bar that I had heard about down the road. The place is called Sean Casey’s and seems pretty cool. We enter to find ourselves in hick heaven (Spud would have loved it!) and decide to continue ravaging our livers. We saddle up to the bar and downed four or five mind erasers each. This does not help our ability to either walk or speak, but screw it. We find these two cute girls and approach them. With a bloated belly full of loud mouth soup I begin speaking to the prey, and amazingly succeed in charming them. They ask us if we would like to take a seat and we accept. After about an hour of mindless talk, and a few more mind erasers, I feel like things are going very well. I should have known at that moment that we were doomed. Every time I feel like things are starting to heat up, "The Man" bitch slaps me upside my head. Well the girls say they are going to go dancing for a little while, but will be right back. After continuing to sit at this table for about fifteen minutes I get up to take a leak. On entering the bar I find our two ladies sitting at a table alone. We had been completely ditched!! At this point the large amount of alcohol I had consumed began to boil and I got really pissed. I got Wodj, assessed him of our unfortunate situation, and we stormed inside. We walked up to the girls, glared at them for about thirty seconds, and then I blurted out "Screw these bitches!!". At this point we turned around and left the bar to the sound of the girls yelling at me from behind. We tried to continue the night, but there was no saving us. We went home dejected once again!

The Rejecta Trifecta!!

Once again Wodj and I struggle to muster some form of confidence. We go out and get more whiskey (which at this point is beginning to burn a hole in my stomach!). We get drunk all day long and start calling every  women we can think of. I call this bartender chick I know and amazingly she calls back! She says she has no plans and would love to go out and have fun. This is a huge confidence booster for both Wodj and myself! Maybe we could salvage the dismal outings of the previous two days. Both Wodj and I get all pimped out and have thoughts of hot chicks and nudity dancing through our booze soaked heads. We head out to meet my friend and what we hope will be her hot girlfriends. Well, needless to say her friends turned out to be two really fat guys and a girl that is about as pretty as a bag of cow turd!! On top of this horrible turn out, my friend is yelling at Wodj and I not to get fingerprints on her car!!! We all got pissed, I smeared fingerprints all over the side of her car, and we left. I went home and pondered suicide. The only bright light in this otherwise depressing story is that I was so soaked in booze that the pain of rejection was dulled! Oh well, this story is no different than the many others we have all experienced. I just thought I would boost all of your ego’s by sharing my pathetic life. Take care, and remember; PIMPS UP, HOES DOWN!!!!! - SNAPS