“Alex, I can’t believe you didn’t tell us…” Julie told me, shaking her head, “I mean, this was big news!”
“Yeah, well,” I told her, picking up my diet soda and taking a sip, “we can stop talking about it now, don’t you think? It’s over now. Absolutely and totally over.”
My friends looked at each other and shrugged, which meant to me that they would try…at least around me anyway. Once I left, it would be Alex and Taylor pandemonium. And that’s why I wasn’t leaving. I would actually stick out this lunch period around our lunch table just so that they wouldn’t have to talk about it. Even the thought of people talking about the whole Taylor bet thing makes me want to puke. And you wouldn’t even imagine how the actual bet makes me feel…
I didn’t sleep last night. I didn’t even get into my pajamas and try to drink warm milk to calm my nerves. I just stayed downstairs and watched black and white movies until it was dawn, and then going upstairs to shower, noticing that I had tire sized black circles under my eyes which concealer wouldn’t even begin to clear up. I got to school an hour early, silently hoping that in doing so, I would miss seeing Taylor as his car pulled up to the school. But upstairs in my first class, I was the only one who knew I peeked through the blinds…and I still didn’t see him.
And here I was in lunch, with only one hour of study hall left to my name, and I still hadn’t seen him. Not that I wanted to see him. Actually, I did, and that’s what is seriously messed up about us girls…we like to hurt ourselves. Maybe, deep inside, we like crying. That’s probably why we do it so easily, and guys can watch little, defenseless puppies get beaten and don’t even shed a tear. Yeah, that’s it. I’ll just keep believing that.
My thoughts faded as I was elbowed in the side rather harshly. Seriously thinking Shannon bruised my liver, I looked up to begin to nail her with rude comments, but stopped when I saw her pointing to my right. I didn’t even need to look. I knew it was him.
And he was wearing green. Of all the nerve.
I was grateful that he didn’t even look my way as he strode through the crowded cafeteria, his focus on the table filled with his friends in the center of the room. My eyes followed him, and I was surprised to find that Ryan Bulger sat at the table too. I never noticed it before…but I guess it made sense that the class clown of the senior class would sit with the popular kids. Anyone willing to be outrageous and act out in class would most likely be thought of as “cool.”
I made myself turn away from the sight and back to my friends who, not surprisingly, were sitting in complete silence, probably waiting for me to get up out of my seat and knock the stuffing out of him. Their hands were gripping their various lunch items so hard, I could see their knuckles turn white.
I cleared my throat nervously, mainly for their benefit, and looked down at my own lunch. I had eaten all of it. Excellent. What good is a remaining lunch period with no lunch to eat? No good at all. I could leave. Thank God.
“Well, guys, it’s been nice, but—“
“Yeah, Alex, we know…” Karen told me gently, “go to the library.”
Ew. The felt sorry for me. Ew.
“Guys don’t make a big deal out of this, okay?” I asked them, standing up and throwing on my backpack, “I’ll be fine. This is just the first time for me…I’ll get over it.”
They nodded simultaneously. I nodded too, satisfied, and made way for the cafeteria door. I silently vowed to schedule a sleepover thing, or at least a get together of some sort to thank them more properly. They could have said a dozen things to me, how I should have known it was coming, or how stupid I was to fall for someone so out of my league…but they didn’t. And I was grateful.
I headed down the silent corridor and stopped at my locker to switch out my books. I had a big Literature test coming up, and almost picked up the ten-pound book, but I knew that if I started to read it in the library, it would be pointless. Lack of sleep the night before wouldn’t exactly be good for studying. So I just shoved my entire backpack inside the purple locker, grabbed my CD Walkman and walked towards the teacher’s lounge.
I knocked softly on the door, and then poked my head in. About four teachers were seated around my father, and as soon as my dad saw me, he put down his sandwich and stood up to meet me at the door.
“Hi,” he uttered, closing the door behind him as we stood in the hall.
“Hey, dad, um, can I have the key?”
“Sure,” he said softly, digging in his pockets and then holding out a keyring.
“Thanks,” I said, grasping the silver key in my palm. I looked up in his face, and I knew he wanted to say something to me. I still hadn’t talked to him since the day before in that very same hallway. I wasn’t exactly mad at him for telling me to stay away from Taylor…but I wasn’t happy either. The thing was, though, my dad was right. I should have stayed away from him from the beginning.
“It’s over, dad, don’t worry about it, ok?” I asked him, my eyes probably pleading.
“Hey, suit yourself,” he told me, teasing, “you were going to get one heck of an apology.”
“Wow…okay, let’s back up…”
“No, no, none of that. If you say it’s over, then it’s over.”
“Well, it is.”
“You okay? It isn’t about what I said is it? Because he did come apologize to the principal and I…”
Oh yeah. I forgot about that.
“No, it wasn’t you dad, it was me. I’m not ready, I guess,” I told him, hoping I sounded honest enough. I mean, what other way to appease your dad than to say you weren’t ready for guys yet?
“Well, good, you shouldn’t be.”
Knew it.
“Yeah, yeah…go eat your lunch,” I joked back. I gave him a swift kiss on the cheek and continued on down the hallway to the stairwell that led to the library.
While I was walking, I wondered how my mom would have handled the situation if she were alive. I never thought about stuff like that often, but every once in awhile, it didn’t hurt to dream. I bet she would have told me stories about when she was a teenager, and how much weight she gained while dating, and so on and so forth. I guess I got the same thing from my sister…but although I didn’t really understand the mother and daughter relationship because she died when I was so young, I knew that the talks I had with Kylie couldn’t compare.
I entered the library and stared at the group of chairs on the other side of the room. I considered the idea of pushing them together to make a makeshift bed. The thought of lying down and listening to peaceful music for the next hour was comforting. Maybe I could even sleep.
I glanced down at the Walkman in my hand. I had gone around the house that morning, finding various CDs that my sister always happened to leave when she left to go back to school, and came across Michael Jackson’s Thriller album. I felt retarded bringing it to school, but…
Well, yes, it was ridiculous. Listening to a CD just because a guy you like likes it too. But I couldn’t help myself. And I was going to listen to it before it drove me crazy.
I crossed the room, and started situating the chairs to my liking, but I didn’t get far. While pulling the chairs to the wall-sized window to look out of, I stopped working as I saw the weirdest thing outside on the grass of the atrium. I walked closer the window, and my heart nearly stopped.
He did it again…
I couldn’t believe it. Spelled out in what looked like…well, something were the same words that were painted in the gym.
Forgive Me, Alexandria
Wouldn’t just saying “Alex” be easier? Maybe Ryan was funny and dumb. Whatever he was, he was in some serious trouble.
“Do you know how long that took me?” a deep voice rumbled behind me.
I twirled around, startled, and saw Taylor standing behind the mess I made with the chairs with his hands in his pockets and his green shirt making his face glow.
“You did it?”
“Yeah,” he said softly.
“Don’t you think we’re in enough trouble?” I asked him, not helping myself.
He shrugged. “I was going to use spray paint, but I figured bricks would be a little less permanent.”
“You thought right.”
“I’m smart sometimes.”
“Yeah.”
We stood in silence for awhile, which was awkward, and I hated it. I knew I was never supposed to feel awkward around this person, I could feel it somewhere deep inside of me. This was the person that had changed my life, the one person who had made me feel something other than the regular feelings of someone going through life day after day in a daze, almost lifeless.
“I don’t know how to talk to you, Taylor,” I said honestly, the words spilling out of my mouth before I could stop them.
He didn’t say anything. He just continued to stare at me, my skin feeling like it was peeling away under his gaze. Seconds later, he finally did.
“I’m not expecting you to want to talk to me, Alex, or to even forgive me. The point is, I don’t deserve anything good that you have to give me. And I know that, it’s just…you weren’t supposed to be the way you are…”
My eyes narrowed at him. That could be taken a lot of ways…
“How was I supposed to be?” I asked him.
“Frankly?”
“Of course.”
“You were supposed to be a major bitch.”
“Ah, it’s all clear now.”
Taylor huffed out a breath and took his hands out of his pockets.
“Alex, that’s what they told me when I made the bet…when it was only a kissing bet. All the other stuff came after, and I couldn’t stop it. And when I got to know you, or got to know all that you would show me, it changed…” he told me, stepping a few steps closer.
“No…no, Taylor, stop it. Don’t do this…”I warned him, taking a step back, “don’t you know I can’t trust you? How am I supposed to know if this isn’t part of the bet?”
I saw him swallow, a look of hurt crossing his face.
I just hurt him…it’s supposed to feel good, not like my heart has been ripped from my chest.
“You don’t know…and I don’t know how I can make you see that’s not a bet. But Alex, I want to be with you. I don’t know what else to say, and I’m standing here groveling, and I don’t grovel…” he whispered.
I searched his features, trying to figure out if there was any truth there. My eyes were starting to blur. I pulled out the nearest chair and sat down gingerly, my hands rubbing over my face wearily. I didn’t know what to say. All I knew was that I didn’t want to be hurt again.
“You drive me absolutely insane, Alexandria.”
My head shot up. “What?!”
“That’s how I knew you were different. You weren’t falling all over me, if anything, you were pushing me away. You shot me down so many times, and I respect that. Every time you open your mouth, I want to close it by kissing you, and I get this amazing rush because I know you want me too, but don’t admit it…”
I can’t believe this…
“…you’re the first girl that by doing nothing at all, made me like you…”
“Taylor, please stop, I can’t take it,” I whispered.
“What do you want me to say, I’ll say anything,” he told me, pleadingly.
“I don’t want you to say anything, Taylor, I just want to feel okay around you again,” I said, my eyes searching his.
“I’m trying—“
“You’re the first guy that I’ve really, really liked, and it all turned out to be a lie. I don’t even know who you are, you know? The guy at the beach yesterday, was that really you, or some idiot who wanted to sleep with me to win a bet?”
“Alex, it was me, I swear it—“
“How am I supposed to know that?”
Taylor stared at me silently, and I placed my elbows on my knees, my head in my hands. I felt like I was fighting a battle with myself. All I wanted to do was crawl into his arms, but I knew that I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t put myself in that position until I was absolutely sure without a doubt that the Taylor I saw in front of me was real.
The next thing I knew, he was on his knees in front of me, balancing on his heels and his hand was reaching out for mine, a thoughtful expression on his face. I tried to pull my hand back, but he caught it and held on. Retrieving a pen from out of the blue, he uncapped the pen and started drawing figures on my palm.
“What are you doing?” I asked him, softly.
“You don’t have my number,” he murmured, penning the last loop, and returning my hand to me. I stared at the blue ink, not really comprehending why it was there, but not really caring that I didn’t.
“Maybe…” Taylor told me, clearing his throat nervously, “maybe you can think about it for me. And if you feel the need to call…well, you know.”
I nodded, almost frantically, my eyes still on the blue letters on my palm.
Taylor stood up, and left the room, almost as if he was never there. It was a mystery to me in the first place how he snuck up on me. I was glad he left though…it was only a matter of time before I was going to start crying.
My insanely tired body automatically started rearranging the chairs into a strategic position so I could lie down. I collapsed then, and closed my eyes, wishing all thoughts of Taylor would vanish. I could only glance briefly at the CD Walkman on the floor beside me before I fell asleep.
****************************************************
“Ms. Alexandria?”
I shifted uncomfortably, my spine crawling as I heard the insistent, whiny voice propel me from my sleep. Opening my eyes, I came face to face with Ms. Rosamond, and I had to stop myself from cringing.
I sat up and looked around the library, trying to find the wall clock…and finding it, reading 3 o’clock. School was about to end, and I knew that the reason my English Lit teacher was standing in front of me with hands on her hips was because after school tutoring was about to start right where I was sleeping.
“Hi, Ms. Rosamond…”I said, standing up and grabbing my Walkman, “just having a little afternoon cat nap, I’ll be going now!”
I nearly ran from the room, not even looking back. Which wasn’t that easy, considering I was still disoriented. But I so didn’t want to deal with the wrath of Ms. “I want a raise” Rosamond. The good thing was, I wasn’t as tired since I had slept for a few hours. The bad thing was, I wasn’t going to be at home when my brother’s needed me to be.
And then another bad thing hit me. Now I was awake enough to deal with the Taylor problem, and the number still written clumsily on my hand. Great.
I headed to my locker to retrieve my books, mentally going through the confrontation with him just hours earlier. I had no idea what to do. A part of me just wanted to call him and forget about everything. I mean, of course, before we went out officially, I could tell him what would happen to him if he was continuing with the bet, and lying to me, and then his reaction would gauge the real truth. Like…if his eyes bulged out of his head and he ran for his life, because it would definitely be something extremely awful. “Hurt bad” kind of awful.
But I couldn’t do that, because I don’t hurt people, and what if he was still doing the bet thing? Then I would have to back down from my promise of bashing in his skull, and then I would look like a loser, not to mention I would probably cry, and better to end it now so I don’t have to go through all that misery…
Knowing fully well I still needed some sleep, based on my thoughts at the moment, I nodded to myself and slammed my locker shut, but only to be scared senseless.
“Hey!”
I placed my hand over my heart, and took a few deep breaths to regain my nerve balance. I looked up into the face that startled me, and my eyes narrowed.
“Hello…Ryan…”
“How’s it goin?” he asked me, his grin cocky.
“Oh, Ryan, it’s just peachy,” I retorted, planting my own smile.
“So I heard you were mad at my friend Taylor…” he said, his eyebrows lifting and his shoulder leaning against the row of lockers.
“How did you hear that?” I asked.
Ryan shrugged innocently. “He told me a couple of days ago or something…you should really give him a chance. He really likes you, you know…”
Ah. It was all clear. A couple of days ago? Sure, I was mad at Taylor…but how did he know that if Taylor didn’t tell him? And why would Taylor tell him if he wasn’t trying to find a way to get out of the bet…
Is the bet really over?
“Well, yeah…” I told him, trying to look amused, “he seemed to like me, but I’m not really interested.”
“Oh, yeah?”
“Yeah, did you know he was some kind of musician? I made a vow never to date musicians. You know…too loopy, or something. Plus, I don’t like blondes,” I said, nodding my head, appearing to be sorry for my decision.
“Is that so? A musician, huh? Doesn’t look like one to me…” Ryan said, seriously seeming to ponder over the information.
“Oh, yeah, he has the piano fingers and everything.”
Where am I getting this crap?
“So…you didn’t even appreciate the whole painting the gym thing?” he asked, his eyes glittering in devilment.
Oh, the irony.
“Well, you see,” I told him, forcing out a little giggle, “I didn’t really understand why he did that. I was never really mad at him in the first place. I mean, why would I be mad at him? He’s been sending me all these flowers, and being so sweet…I just don’t understand. Do you know another reason why he would have done it?”
I stood looking at Ryan, my head cocked to the side. It was hard not kicking him in the first available place, but I wasn’t about to let on that I knew he and his lackeys painted the gym. And I didn’t know just from Taylor’s explanation about the bet the day before…he’s the only other person who “thought” I was mad at Taylor. No one else knew that I was even talking to the guy.
And Taylor already said he didn’t do it. And I believed him.
Ryan cleared his throat. “Don’t have a clue. But it was very immature. I couldn’t believe it when he came to school yesterday, bragging about it. It was obvious you wouldn’t appreciate it, being the Vice-Principal’s daughter and all.”
“Exactly, Ryan, and did you know the Principal blamed me for it too?” I asked him, planting on a puzzled look.
“Oh, really…”he muttered, taking a step closer, “do you think it would help if I went up to him and said, oh…that you were with me on Sunday night?”
I watched, horrified, as his arm snaked out and his finger touched my arm, sliding down it in ease. I could feel the goosebumps spreading, and I resisted the urge to pull away.
“You’re touching me,” I told him, in a slight warning.
“Yes…I am…and…”
“And does the phrase ‘touch me again and I’ll have to rip out your privates and feed them to my dog’ mean anything to you?”
“Hey!” Ryan said laughingly, pulling away his hand as if he were being burned, “weren’t we just being friendly just a minute ago?”
“Yeah, I just don’t like people touching me, you know?” I said, folding my arms around myself, “call it a ‘thing’ if you will…”
“Oh, I understand, don’t worry about it,” he said, probably thinking I was going to lose sleep over it, “I just hope Taylor knows your little policy. I would hate to think of you going out with someone who vandalizes our beautiful school, you know? You deserve better than that…”
“I agree,” I told him, cheerfully, “much better than that.”
“Well…I’m off to tutoring! Catch ya later…” he said, winking. I fake-smiled back at him, and watched him continue down the hall. Once he was gone, I let myself start shivering with disgust.
“Ick, ick, ick, gross, gross, now I have to burn off my arm…”I muttered, under my breath.
Ryan was an imbecile. He deserved what I said about the dog thing. He didn’t deserve to be breathing. To actually stand in front of me, knowing he was paying someone else to sleep with me, was disgusting. Revolting, rather, I actually wanted to lose my lunch on purpose.
And then I remembered something. If Taylor didn’t win the bet by sleeping with me, then Ryan would. He would be paid for my last month of agony!
I eyed the pay phone at the far end of the hallway. Racing towards it, I dug change out of my purse and punched out the numbers that seemed to be engraved into my palm.
After three rings, I heard a faint ‘hello’ and immediately asked for Taylor. There was silence for a few seconds, but I still heard breathing.
“Alex? Is that you?”
I closed my eyes. “Yes, Zachary, it’s me. I need to talk to your brother.”
“Well, well, well…don’t tell me you plan to ‘woo’ him, cause he’s already hot for his one chick, and—“
“’Woo?’”
“Yeah, ‘woo.’ Never heard of ‘woo?’”
“Not from a heterosexual male…”
“We have ‘word-of-the-day’ toilet paper…I’m using that as my excuse.”
“Zac, put Taylor on the phone please.”
“Fine, fine…”
I heard Zac call his name, and a minute later, a breathless Taylor said his hello. I had to close my eyes again at the sudden feelings that rushed at me, just from hearing his voice, but I tried to maintain an amount of dignity.
“It’s Alex.”
“Alex?” he said, incredulously, “are you calling me? As in calling, calling me? Cause that was fast…”
“I’m ‘kinda’ calling you.”
“Kinda.”
“Right, kinda. Did you mean all those things you said today?”
“Of course. I was groveling, didn’t you hear me say that? I never grovel, it’s a new thing, and if I was lying, the—“
“Just say yes or no.”
I heard him sigh, which made my heart crash into my ribs again.
“Yes!” he said exuberantly.
“Okay, then prove it. Meet me at my house at 2:30 tomorrow. Got it?”
“What? Alex, tell me what’s going on…”
“2:30, Taylor. Be there.”
I hung up the phone and stood staring at it for a few seconds.
What was I doing?
