---

6/21/03
UPDATE!- HULK SUCKS!

Last night I saw what could quite possibly be… ah, screw that… what is one of the WORST MOVIES I HAVE EVER SEEN, Hulk. Goddamn… I mean seriously. I thought that with all the modern technology and expensive effects big-time directors are now fond of, movies weren't supposed to suck; but I guess I was totally wrong. Hulk is proof of that. This film is wrong on so many levels… I couldn't believe the amount of sucktitude it reached in the near two and a half hours it ran! I'll try and lay it all out for you here.

CHARACTERS
Okay, characters didn't give me too much of a problem. All of the actors seemed to fit their parts alright, and there wasn't too much overacting (or underacting for that matter… if that's an actual word). But that still doesn't overshadow the fact this movie SUCKS!

**Our protagonist, Bruce Banner (AKA the Hulk or Angry Guy as they call him in the film for some fucking unknown reason) is portrayed by Australian thespian Eric Bana. You might remember Eric from such classics as The Nugget and the television hit "Eric"… well, maybe not (unless you live in Austrailia, then you probably do). But one thing is for sure, if this guy entered a Corey Feldman look-a-like contest he'd win 1st, 2nd, 5th and several door prizes. I mean holy crap, this guy really looks like Corey Feldman! I didn't know if I should've expected to seem him turn into the Hulk or snort coke off a stripper's ass… I was that convinced it was Corey.

**Second in the billing is Jennifer Connelly as Corey's… er, I mean Bruce's co-worker and main love interest, Betty Ross. Now, she really doesn't do much except play the typical role of "only character that understands the genetic-freak protagonist." Really, that's just about it.

**In a case of art imitating life, Nick Nolte plays a deranged, disoriented, wild-haired old coot. He's also Bruce's biological father, David Banner (but shhh… you're not supposed to know that).

**Sam Elliot portrays General Ross (General being his army rank, not first name), Betty's daddy and the military man that double crossed David Banner back in the day. Now the same goes for the General as Betty… nothing really in terms of character development, but Sam Elliot was the Beef spokesman at one time, so I decided to include him in here based on that.

**There are also a few other characters… but they suck too much to mention.

PLOT
To start out here… this movie suffers from serious plot troubles. The story has more holes than a gynecologist's scrapbook… and they're just as wide. For example, when Nick Nolte is introduced in the film we see his character standing by his lonesome. However, in his second appearance he's mysteriously accompanied by three dogs. Why? I don't know… maybe because this movie sucks and fails to explain it?! A little bit later on, Bruce in HULK-AFIED MODE gets into a brawl with these dogs… and has quite a bit of trouble taking them out. Here's where I should mention that one of these dogs is a poodle… a fucking poodle! How the hell are we supposed to feel for a big-ass angry freak that can't take down goddamn French Poodle?! Now I bring this part up because later on, Hulk destroys several fully-equipped tanks. Maybe I'm brain-damaged or something, but I just don't understand how a superhero who has trouble beating up a fucking poodle can then kick the shit out of a bunch of missile-shooting tanks. It just don't make sense. Neither does this movie. There were some scenes that happened for no explainable reason at all. Llike one where Betty and Bruce are in a cabin and she describes a nightmare (this nightmare by the way involves her dad eating ice cream and smirking like a complete goon). Another hard-to-comprehend part is the ending (yeah, I'll give it away. I mean, if you're still willing to see the movie after reading this, you're probably too stupid to remember any of details I'll spill). After Bruce, again in HULK-AFIED MODE, destroys his father (who turns into a gigantic bubble after sucking up all the Hulk's strength… I know, it made no fucking sense to me, either), he is then bombarded by airborne missiles. Thinking Bruce is now dead and gone, everyone goes about their normal lives as if the Hulk was just a Bacardi 151-induced drunken hallucination. What they don't know though, is that Bruce somehow wound up in the middle of Paraguay (or some Hollywood stereotyped Central American country) living as a missionary-type guy. Some guerillas invade Bruce's tent *STOP* steal his missionary supplies *STOP* Bruce gets pissed *STOP* turns into Hulk *STOP* Guerillas dead *STOP*… end of movie. Now why was I forced to sit through this shit? Oh that's right, because movie tickets now cost fucking $7.50! Aghh…

- Okay, this really has nothing to do with plot, but when Bruce starts to get angry it looks as if he's trying to shove a butternut squash up his ass. Just an observation.

DIRECTING
The other problem I have with Hulk is the directing. Good god is it a horrid disappointment. Especially since this film was led by Ang Lee. It's hard to believe that this pile of goat shit called "entertainment" was directed by the same guy who brought us Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. Ang, what the fuck happened man? Did you get a butternut squash shoved up your ass? Is that what caused you how to forget how to direct a movie? Seriously, I want to know what drugs you were on that made you totally fuck up nearly two and a half hours of film. The amount of celluloid wasted on this project could have been used to make more useful programs, such as midget farm-sex porn (at least some people can get off to that). Wanna know how badly this movie was directed? Well I guess you won't know totally unless you see it, but I don't want you doing that. I wouldn't even wish Hulk on my worst enemy. So RIAA President Hilary Rosen, you can sleep tight. Getting back to the point though, I was just so let down by how shitty the directing was. Most of this shittiness comes from the way scenes transgressed into one another. Ang Lee for some reason decided to use a multitude of different stupid special effects when shifting locales. Like for example, when we're going from a laboratory scene to the outdoors, we'll see a giant splash of liquid or a flash of genetic material to shift over. This movie suffers from a serious overdose of computer effects, and most of that happens when changing scenes. It's almost like when your aunt buys a new camcorder and has to use all the different fade effects because she's just so fucking amazed at how the gray diamond covers up the picture when you hold the button down, but then goes away when you release it. So in a way, Ang Lee treated this film the same way as your aunt would treat a family get-together. She's so over-zealous about getting the whole thing on tape she completely forgets how to work the damn camera… and plus she's fat and only cares about the free hot dogs.

A second directing fuck-up in Hulk is that multiple times in the movie the screen is divided into numerous little boxes that show the action from different angles. I think they were aiming at making the movie feel more like a comic book with this, but it really just made the movie look more goddamn retarded. After about the umm… 150th time they placed the action into tiny squares, I was just about ready to pull out a 9mm and shoot every single thing in sight. Then I realized I didn't actually have a gun, and that I would have to sit through the remaining hour of this shitfest without busting a cap.

Well that about does it for the main problems with Hulk, but that don't mean that I'm done with this. Not by a long shot. Really, the only cool thing I can pull out of this trauma was a ten second cameo by Stan Lee and Lou Ferrigno as security guards. Now when a ten second scene with an 70-plus year old man and a muscle-bound dude who can barely wrestle with the English language overshadows the other two hours of your film… you've got some problems. Seriously, I think this movie would have been better if Lou Ferrigno was re-cast as Hulk instead of the Corey Feldman chosen. Hell, if they dug up Bill Bixby's corpse and dressed it in a "Your Fish Smells Like Pussy" shirt, it would have been better. It would have cost a hell of a lot less, that's for sure. I mean Lou actually looked the part of Hulk. Even if he was just cheesily painted green, he still looked pretty scary. Lou Ferrigno in green paint was more real than the digitally designed cartoon character created for this movie ever could be. If I walked down the street and saw Hulk's Hulk. I'd go "Ooooh… that's cool," but if I saw Lou Ferrigno in green body paint wearing nothing but purple nut-hugger cutoffs, I'd shit myself six times over. I'd be that scared. The point I'm trying to make here (and there is one) is that this film is way too computer generated (this goes for all movies these days as well). Today, we're so caught up in computer effects that it now seems to be the only selling point for films. Back in heyday of Sergio Leone, we didn't have anything near the technological multitude of CGI and computer-assistance, and yet still his movies are some of the most visually stimulating ever made. And they remain that way because Sergio knew how to work a camera. Now I'm not trying to badmouth computer effects, I think what we are able to do today is simply amazing. It's just that in film it's the camera's responsibility to deliver the eye candy, not the computer's. I'm going to be studying film next year at college and I just hope to remember this when it's my turn to possibly direct something. Wow, that was way too serious… I better dumb it down a little. FUCK! SHIT! CUNT! MALCOM JAMAL WARNER! Okay, I think we're back.

To close this all up, let me just say that by seeing Hulk you are wasting two hours and eighteen minutes of your life. Two hours and eighteen minutes that you could easily spend doing something more useful and heartfelt like volunteering at a soup kitchen, mentoring at your local Boys & Girls Club, or masturbating to reruns of S Club 7 on ABC Family (whatever floats your boat). While I'm sure the people behind Hulk made it with good intentions… (ah fuck it, they did it just to make cash)… they screwed up royally. What could have been a fairly enjoyable movie with a great director and a decent cast turned out to be an absolute overflowing, fly-infested, shit-smelling trash can of a film with a great director and decent cast. I guess two out of three ain't bad, but when the third thing is the overall movie… it's pretty fucking bad. So take in as much or as little of my previous words as you want, but please listen to me when I say: HULK SUCKS TOTALLY AND SHOULD BE AVOIDED AT ALL COSTS. IT'S SO FAR BEEN THE SHITTIEST MOVIE I'VE SEEN IN A WHILE, AND WAS A COMPLETE WASTE OF TIME. At least I got free refills on popcorn and soda.

CHOOSE YOUR DESTINY...
NJCAA Mascots N' Logos | Art (Page Coming Soon)

Until the Art page is made... enjoy the same 3 band cartoons...

Loudermilk | Ozma | Unloco