The Golden Penrod: Part 4

The Golden Penrod
By Darjeeling

Part Four

Few dared to venture too close to this side of town. The Haunted Forest swallowed all who entered its dank borders, and the sinister entrance of the nearby cave had a visible glow of evil that both repelled and beckoned. Everyone knew that this musty lair was the abode of Asshat, the sorcerer who was the leading character in the frightening tales told by resident children on stormy nights. The unnerving stories of this wicked wizard were rarely scoffed at: although none had seen Asshat and remained in human form to share the experience, he was widely believed in and feared.

As Nevaeh crept up to the cave, she felt a trickle of cold sweat making its leisurely journey downwards, tickling the soft skin between her exquisite mounds. She was terrified and silently wished there were another way to rescue John Hayes.

As she reached the stinking mouth of Asshat's den, she shivered from the gloomy winds that rushed from the interior darknesses to caress her, slowly pulling her into the cave. She took a final breath of clean air and walked forward.

The soft dirt cushioned Nevaeh's shoes as she cautiously made her way deeper into the cavern. The silence of her trip down into this unknown world was unsettling, made even more so by a faint illumination coming from a right-turning bend just ahead. Nevaeh braced herself for the horrible sight she was sure would greet her. She clenched her fists and, before she could change her mind and flee, turned the corner and entered the strange flourescence.

Expecting to be stricken dead or changed into a woodland creature, Nevaeh was stunned by the sight she beheld. She blinked twice and looked harder. Could this be Asshat, the terrible warlock of her childhood nightmares?

A pudgy little man in a green pointed wizard's hat and lederhosen was serving tea to a voluptuous makeshift woman who appeared to have been carefully assembled from bunches of hay tied together with strings. She wore a red skirt with festive embroideries and a snug white blouse that was opened just enough to tease her companion. Her hair had been donated by a mop and her face was painstakingly painted on.

"Ja, ja!" the little man kept saying, pouring himself a cup of the steaming brew. He sat down at the table and smiled seductively at his friend. He leaned forward slightly, raising one eyebrow. "Maybe tonight we will see who has been a bad boy, ja? Maybe tonight we will see who needs a good spanking--"

Nevaeh's heart dropped as the man saw her standing at the room's entrance. He leaped from the table and shouted, "Who are you? Where have you come from? How long have you been standing there?"

She shrank back, feeling dizziness overcome her. "I mean no harm, sir," she said, her voice shaking. "I have come to ask for your help."

The enchanter squinted at Nevaeh. "Come in here, girl," he said gruffly. "Tell me why you are here."

Nevaeh tiptoed down into the room, her eyes never leaving those of the angry little wizard. She felt her heartbeat slowly returning to normal. Asshat wasn't as terrifying as she thought he would be, and perhaps she could yet persuade him not to harm her. "I have come to ask for your help, Mr. Asshat, sir. The man I love is ill and I need your help in finding a cure."

Asshat stared at Nevaeh. His expression softened somewhat as he spoke. "Ja, ja. John Hayes has Teh Gay."

Nevaeh was astonished. "How did you--?"

"I know all!" he said smugly in his thick accent. "I can tell you anything you wish. There is nothing I do not know." Nevaeh wondered if he knew how to attract a woman who was not made of straw, but thought it wise not to ask. Asshat waved one puffy hand in the direction of the right wall where tall bookcases overflowed with thick volumes and large models of ships and castles loomed. "Come this way, please. Let us talk."

Grateful for his welcome, Nevaeh relaxed for the first time since seeing Asshat. He was nothing like the intimidating figure she had imagined all her life. This little creature was so funny looking with his pale legs sticking out of his tight shorts! Careful not to laugh, she sat down in the handsome leather chair that was offered to her.

Asshat sat in a chair as well, his fat feet barely touching the floor. He stared at Nevaeh. She stared back.

"Now, Nevaeh." She jumped a little at his use of her name. "You seek The Golden Penrod. You have heard of its magnificant healing abilities."

"Yes, sir. I will go anywhere and do anything to help John," she answered, glancing around at the huge boats and buildings. Why does this tiny man love such big things? she thought. She felt mildly disturbed at his preoccupation with size.

"Anything?" Asshat leaned forward and leered at Nevaeh. He ran his tongue along his plump upper lip, lowering his gaze to her swollen chest. "My, that is impressive devotion."

"I love John," she said boldly. "Tell me where The Golden Penrod is and I will get it for him."

"Well...It makes no difference where it is now. Tomorrow, it will be somewhere else." The wizard looked pleased with himself.

Nevaeh looked at Asshat. "Is that a riddle?"

"No," Asshat said, standing up. "It is a truth. The Golden Penrod travels. It would do you no good to know where it is today. But! Go to the seaside village of Madison and be in the chapel at exactly ten o'clock on Sunday morning."

"That is where I will find The Golden Penrod?" Nevaeh asked eagerly.

"Yes and no," Asshat answered.

Nevaeh was getting frustrated with the arrogant warlock. "If I go to Madison will I or will I not find The Golden Penrod?"

"You will."

"Will The Golden Penrod be in the chapel at the appointed time?"

"It will. But then you must wait for it to be presented to you." Asshat laughed at the confused look on his visitor's face. "You will find what you are looking for, I promise you." He smirked. "And you will meet the shark."

Nevaeh felt her face grow pale. "What shark?" she whispered.

Asshat looked at Nevaeh grimly. "The one-eyed shark who took your father from you."

She gasped. "Oh, I am losing my nerve. I cannot go through with this. John Hayes will just have to suffer with Teh Gay!"

Asshat smiled. "You will go on this quest, and you will succeed." He picked up a neat stack of papers from the table. "Now! I have helped you, and you will help me. I want you to put these up in every window in town." He handed the papers to Nevaeh, who read the one on top:

Achtung!
To whom it may concern (you know who you are!):
Stop sending obscene letters to my cave. I will not have sex with you. Stop telling me I am sexy and that you want to play with my magic wand. Yes, I know you find me achingly handsome. How could I not know? You tell me so every day! I am simply not interested, so please leave me alone.
Sincerely,
Asshat the Hung Wizard
Cave by the Haunted Forest

Nevaeh looked at Asshat in disbelief.

He smiled and looked down in false embarassment. "I never thought I would see the day when I would receive vulgar love letters," he said. "I fear that the only way to get my point across is by publicly rebuking her."

Nevaeh nodded, suddenly uncomfortable. "I will do as you ask." She stepped away from the enchanter, who was now staring at her longingly. "I must be leaving if I am going to be in Madison on time." She gave a hurried little curtsy to Asshat. "Thank you for your help, sir."

As she scurried for the exit Asshat called to her, "Wait! Would you like some tea? Helga has not consumed it all! There is some left for you!"

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