Agony: The PPC Version

‘Agony’ by Claudia Beth King, with much editing by Ella Darcy (‘Agony’ by Stephen Sondheim)

[Ella and Claudia meet in the woods somewhere in Middle-Earth. They react with mild surprise at seeing the other one there. Both are, as usual, heavily armed.]

Ella: Ah, there you are, fellow agent. The Crocus and I had wondered where you’d gone.

Claudia: I have been looking all night—for HER.

Ella: Who?

Claudia: The modern bint with the attitude problem that’s tagged along with the Fellowship so that she can swear at everyone and Prince Legolas can fall in love with her.

Ella: Where did she go?

Claudia: She is heading towards Rohan.

Ella: I, too, am here to kill a Mary Sue. She is the daughter of Galadriel, and has been captured by Saruman, for gods know what reason.

Claudia: And what dreadful pseudo-Elven characteristics does this one have?

Ella: She has a head of hair as red as fire, and eyes as silver as the sea—which, last time I checked, was not such a color in the least. Her name is Florine. Or possibly Fluorine; the spelling’s dreadful.

Claudia: [laughing] Fluorine? Fluorine! What kind of a name is that? You jest!

Ella: She is as stupid as your maiden. Relationships within the Fellowship? And no one swears at royalty and goes unpunished.

Claudia: Yet one has.

[Singing] She mangles his character, shows him disdain,
And from Sauron does not flee!
Legolas loves her, though she waxes profane,
Why was this job giv’n to me?
Agony! Nearly no canon left!
If she’s fed to the Watcher,
I’m sure that she will make him retch.

Ella:
In Orthanc tower, she plots by the hour,
Maintaining her hair.
So she can be rescued, and lewd things can ensue,
Pop songs are her snares: Aaaaa-a-aaaa-a-aaaaa-a-aaaaaah…

Agony! Far more pervy than yours!
When the fanwriters alter
The Elves’ sexual mores!

Both: Agony! Oh, the braincells we lose!

Ella: What's as intriguing—

Claudia: Or half so fatiguing—

Both: As dealing with Sues?

Claudia: If he is sensitive, clever, well-mannered, considerate—
Passionate, charming, as kind as he’s handsome,
And heir to a throne—

Ella: Then he’s done nothing to deserve Sueage.

Claudia: Than why this?

Ella: Do I know?

Claudia: The author must be mad!

Ella:(beat; glare) You know nothing of madness…
…’Til you're climbing the stairs, and you see her
Up there, and he’s nearing her,
All the while hearing her 'Aaaa-a-aaaa-a-aaa-a-aaaaaaah'!

Both: Agony!

Claudia: Misery!

Ella: Woe!

Both: And bad grammar in each!

Claudia: Nearly ten books behind—

Ella: Ten IQ points below—

Both: Canon’s just out of reach!
Agony, endless hours of strife!
(Beat)
Her heart must meet my knife!

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