Chapter 33
“I think you better get that checked out,” AJ said looking at Nick’s hand. In a fit of rage after spotting Hannah with Zach he had punched it against a wall. “How’d you do that anyway?”
“Doesn’t matter,” Nick answered rolling over out of his seat and walked across the room. AJ had stopped by the hotel room to drop off the tour itinerary. There wasn’t much time before the Backstreet Boys embarked on their world tour. Ten months they’d be gone. “Hmm, I think you’re right. I’m gonna go get an x-ray.” Figuring that there was nothing he could do he might as well make sure his hand was fine for the tour. He didn’t really want to go to the doctor but then again, who does.
“Good,” AJ nodded and flipped through a complimentary hotel magazine, People. “Do you think Hannah still works here?” he asked reading up on the love life of Tom Cruise.
“Why would I care?” Nick asked looking in his wallet to make sure he had his insurance card. Granted they’d probably offer him an x-ray anyway but he didn’t want to look stupid like he normally acts.
“Just wondering…” AJ sighed dropping the magazine on the coffee table and standing up. “Need a ride to the hospital?”
“No, I got it covered. Thanks.”
“Alright man, let me know how it goes. I’ve gotta run, have a fitting.”
“Ok, see ya,” Nick buttoned his shirt up slowly. ‘God,’ he thought wincing as a shooting pain hit his arm. He glanced across the room at the magazine. Hmm, he did wonder if she worked there. She must. How else would she have gotten back together with Zach? She probably went into work one day and they just rekindled their long lost love. “That’s enough to make me vomit,” he concluded grabbing his room key and walking out the door.
“Here’s your prescription,” the pharmacist handed Hannah her prenatal vitamins, “Just sign your name at the x,” she pointed to the clip board. “Any questions?”
“No,” Hannah shook her head and knelt down to sign her signature. “That’ll do it. Thanks.”
That morning was her first doctor appointment with her obstetrician. The baby was in perfect health and the pregnancy was moving along as it should. The only thing that bothered her about the whole thing was when the question of the father arose. Hannah wasn’t prepared to talk about that with the doctor and stumbled over some story of the dad being away on business, which she supposed wasn’t too far from the truth.
It had been a long morning though, as it turns out…morning sickness is not a myth. Whatever she ate for breakfast had surely made its way to the toilet by that point but the doctor assured her it was absolutely normal and would pass. Thank god, cause it certainly wasn’t pleasant.
Pushing the door open out of the pharmacy she smacked into a man spilling her purse and its contents on the ground. “Shit!” she snapped, immediately bending down to pick up the mess she had clumsily made. A faintness came over her, ‘Stupid morning sickness,’ she thought shoving her wallet back into her purse.
She was so focused on not throwing up that she didn’t even notice the man helping her gather up her things. Hell, she didn’t even notice who the man was. “Prenatal vitamins?” he asked holding them to her face. “I suppose you’re going to tell me these are for your friend too right…she told you to get a prescription in your name for her.”
Nick. Oh god. Nick.
“Give me those,” she snatched them out of his hand and threw them in her bag. Raising to her feet she nearly fell over from nausea, but he caught her…like he had a scary tendency to do.
“You’re pregnant,” he said as if she didn’t already know. “You’ve got the vitamins. You’ve got the dizziness. Geez Han, were you gonna just hide this from me forever?”
The room was spinning and so was her head. ‘How the hell am I gonna get out of this one?’ she asked herself trying to avoid all eye contact with him.
“What are you doing here?” she asked hoping he’d not notice the subject change.
“Oh don’t try to change the subject,” he snapped…apparently he had gotten smarter in their time apart.
“No,” she shook her head, “I really just wondered. I thought you hated doctors. What brings you to the hospital?”
“I needed my hand x-rayed. I hurt it in rehearsal, not that it really matters. Anyway, were you ever planning to tell me you were pregnant?”
“No,” she shook her head matter of factly.
Clenching his fist he didn’t know what was wrong with her. “Excuse me?”
“I didn’t see why you needed to know…I mean it’s not yours. It’s Zach’s.” There she said it. And it was all so easy. The lie was out there, all she had to do was convince him.
He didn’t know whether to believe her or not. It didn’t seem like it could be possible but then with him and her he never really knew. With them, it seemed anything was possible as long as it was something going wrong. “It’s Zach’s?” he nodded confusing, “Uh, when exactly did this happen?”
“Look Nick! I didn’t want to tell you because I didn’t see the point of letting you know. What’s it matter? We’re over ok? Why go down a road that’s only going to hurt us even more…there’s no point to it.”
“Hannah,” he snarled, “If you don’t tell me right now what the HELL you’re talking about I swear to god I’m gonna blow.”
Wow, she had never seen him like this. What was wrong with him? He was so, almost real. She had gotten so used to Nick being immature or heartbroken, but never angry. “Fine! Blow up! See if I care!”
“You owe it to me!” he raised his voice causing her to bite her lip. He was right, she did.
Sighing she wrapper her purse around her arm and braced herself, “Alright,” she closed her eyes, “I didn’t want to tell you because I didn’t want to hurt you. It still seems unnecessary to me to tell you but since you want to know I will. See, when we were together I was always playing this struggle with myself. I had a hard time believing what was real verses what was not real and one day…” she trailed off and looked over his shoulder at the exit sign. “Somehow I convinced myself that what you and I had was only a dream and at work there he was…Zach. I don’t’ know what came over me, but I took off work and went back to his place and we…one thing led to another and…well, I was just so confused…and…”
“You slept with him,” Nick finished and she nodded her head. His eyes dropped to the floor with his heart. He didn’t know what to say so he just stood there.
“Nick,” she cried, not even knowing why she was crying. It was all a lie after all. “I didn’t want to hurt you. I just, I was so confused and it was a huge mistake, a life altering mistake. You have to believe that I’m really sorry.”
“So you mean to tell me that you slept with Zach? While we were together?!” he yelled and bit his tongue when he shut his mouth.
“Yes…” a tear stung her eye.
“Great Han,” he rolled his eyes, “Just fucking great. What would you say if I told you I didn’t believe you?”
“I’d tell you that I’m very sorry but it’s the truth. Look Nick, with Zach…that was the only time I didn’t use birth control. I mean, god…I can only imagine how hard this is for you. Well, I sorta do…look what happened with Brittney. It’s hard. It’s so hard, I wish that things were different, I honestly do. You know that I loved you with my whole heart and how much I wanted things to work out for us.”
“What if we were together now, and you found out you were pregnant with his child…what would you do about it?”
“I…I don’t know,” she sighed and bit her lip. “All I know is that it’s his child I’m carrying and as much as I wish it weren’t part of me is relieved that it is.”
“What do you mean…relieved?”
“I mean, look at us. You don’t want to be with me, what if I found out I was carrying your child? That would be so much harder then his because he loves me and he wants to be with me. He loves me Nick where you…you just send me away. At least this way I know that I’ll be able to raise the kid with both his parents.”
The reasoning beyond her words killed him. She was glad it wasn’t his child. She really wanted it to be his because she felt safer with him. “I don’t…I don’t even know what to say,” he looked at her. “Anymore Hannah, I just don’t know with you. You…you fucked him and then came back and made love with me! That’s just sick…god! Who are you! You’re like…you’re a whore!”
“A whore?!” she stammered.
“Yes! A whore! I can’t believe I thought I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you! I can’t believe I thought you were everything I could ever want! What do I want?! Some cheap slut who goes off and sleeps with some guy while I’m away at work?! That’s fucked up Hannah. What’s wrong with you? What happened to you? This isn’t something the Hannah I knew would ever do.”
She didn’t expect for him to act this way. She thought he might cry. She thought me might get angry. But she didn’t think he would go so far as to call these names. These names that pried at her heart. She wanted him to know the truth but couldn’t say it. He was so angry. He hated her for who she was. He hated her.
Her feelings were nothing but a juggled mess. All she wanted to do was run yet all she wanted to do was stay. “I never thought I’d hear you say those words,” she finally spoke up and swallowed deeply. “But, I can’t blame you. I can’t blame you for anything Nick. Everything has been my fault. I’m sorry I ruined your life. I know that you deserve more and I hope you find it. I hope you find more then this, more then me.”
He looked at her differently now. He wanted her to be lying, he really did…but he knew that she wouldn’t do that to him. Why would she? It made no sense to lie. ‘Yea,’ he concluded, ‘She’s telling the truth.’ He thought she loved him but how could she if she would do something like that? It made no sense, no sense at all. For her to go sleep with him when she was in love with him, when he was in love with her…when they were engaged.
“Well, uh…can I give you a ride?” he asked trying to be polite remembering her dizzy spell.
“No that’s alright, I brought my car.”
“You know Han…” he said looking into her eyes, then changing his mind. “Nevermind.”
“No what?” she asked, sincerely wanting to know what he had to say.
“It’s not important. I really hope the best for you and Zach then. I’m sure the two of you will be real happy and your baby will be healthy and beautiful.”
“I don’t really know what to say…” she bit her lip, “Other then well, keep going out there and blowing up the crowds. Make me proud to know you, as I am and always will be. Nick,” she shook her head and closed her eyes, “Whether things worked out for us or not you still changed my life so much and I’ll never forget that. You showed me what it was like to love. You lit up my life, and I thank you for that. Thank you…for everything.”
“Can I kiss you?” he asked randomly, totally confused why he said that. “Uh, just as a good-bye sorta thing…”
“Yea,” she nodded, “Of course.”
Stepping towards her he looked down into her eyes. What was she thinking? He raised his hand to the small of her back, and the other to her face. Gracing her cheek he savored the softness of her skin. Would this be the last time he ever got to touch it? Her lips pursed out towards him and he lowered his onto hers. Feeling her his heart fell into his stomach. He still loved her. The kiss said it all. Their eyes were closed but he could imagine perfectly what she looked like. He had memorized her.
“Promise me something,” he said pulling away but still holding on, “Promise you’ll think of me.”
Her eyes stared directly into his and she wanted to pull him back into her. Her heart was racing. Her breath was heavy. She wanted him. “I promise,” she whispered rising back up to kiss him. Their lips molded into each others as if they were made to be together. His armed wrapped around her waist to the front of her stomach and paused. “I love you,” she said faintly, he didn’t hear. He just kept kissing and holding her until he backed away.
“Alright,” he nodded still feeling her kiss on his lips, “You take care of yourself, and…uh, never give up on your dreams. I’m not going to be happy until I see your name in every magazine.”
Smiling she laughed a little, “Same to you,” she nodded. “Don’t stop doing what you love, ever. And someday, when it feels right…you should go out on your own, do a solo thing. You’re made to stand out, not fit in with a group.”
“Thanks,” he smiled and flicked her nose, “Same goes to you babe. Of course I don’t think you need me to tell you how amazing you, something tells me you already know.”
“Are you ever going to forgive me for Zach?” she asked. “I mean, I suppose it doesn’t matter I just…I’d hate to think that you were out there somewhere…hating me. I don’t want you to hate me.”
“I could never hate you…” he looked at her in amazement. “It’s just…it’s, really hard for me to know that right now you’re carrying his child. That,” he stopped to catch his breath, “kills me. I wanted to be everything you needed and it kills me to know that I couldn’t do that. You turned to him when you were with me. I wasn’t enough for you I guess…”
“No,” she protested, “You were enough, and you are. It was something I’d take back if I could but then it’s one of those things that you don’t know if it really would have ended up differently even if you had the chance to do it over. Maybe we still would have gotten here, maybe we wouldn’t have.”
“Yea, and it’s the later that I’ll always wonder about.”
“I’ll wonder too,” she said softly.
He looked at her one final time before stepping away. “I better go now,” he said. “You have my numbers and all though. If you need something, ever, just let me know and I’ll get it for you. And this time, I’ll call you back…for sure.”
She didn’t know if he meant to touch her by saying that or if he was just trying to be humorous and ironic but he did all the same. Did this mean that he would still be in her life? Even after he knew the “truth?” She thought to herself, ‘How can he do that if he doesn’t love me?’ She watched his figure walk away into the parking lot, a tear slipped from her eye. There they were. And there he was. Walking away.
Sighing she closed her purse and patted her stomach. She walked out into the sun and headed towards her car. It was a new day.
Chapter 34
Lost in Rain Main
Hompage