Chapter 31
And if ever Hannah wondered what the end of the world would be she soon found out when she learned of the child she was carrying. All those dreams of having a baby with Nick were coming true, but without him. And the world was over. Sitting on the sofa she just stared ahead at the television...not watching whatever was on. She couldn’t bear to think of anything so she allowed herself to go numb. She had yet to go to work this week and had skipped all of her classes. Trying to make sense of things she thought that maybe, just maybe, if she sat there and hoped long enough that she’d wake up and find it to be all just a dream. But she never woke up. In fact she never even slept. She was a wreck.
A faint knock at the door become more and more persistent causing her to roll up on to her feet and clumsily drift across the floor. She had never hated her apartment until this moment, and now she just wished that it was far away from everything and everyone. The door knob was cold and hard in her hand as she turned it and pulled. And then he was before her. He was there.
Reflexively she pushed the door but he used enough force to get inside. “I want you to leave,” she said biting her lip afterwards to prevent herself from spilling out her secret. She was carrying his child.
“Look Han, I think we need to talk...”
“Oh do we? What more could you possibly have to say to me? I thought you covered it all perfectly the other day. I’m tired of hearing it ok. You hate me. You never want to see me again. Alright, I get it. Now leave me alone. Just leave my life instead of constantly turning it upside down.”
“I saw my sister the other day,” he started ignoring her request. “It took me a lot of courage to come here but I’d waited a few days to hear from you so I decided to show my face.”
“What are you talking about?” she asked totally confused. Her stomach felt queasy and she knew it was more then just the pregnancy.
“You have to answer me honestly,” he told her, “Are you or are you not pregnant with my child?”
Stunned she wondered how he’d even know. She couldn’t lie. He’d know she was lying. But she couldn’t tell the truth either. The last thing she wanted was to burden him with a child when all he wanted was to be rid of her. She didn’t want to rope him into something. He hated her. She loved him...but he hated her. “I don’t understand,” she finally spoke up, “Why are you asking me if I’m pregnant?”
“It doesn’t matter Han, just answer the question. My sister told me she saw you buying a pregnancy test and I need to know what’s going on. Are you pregnant?”
It was against everything she ever believed to lie to him at this time. But it was just too easy to hide the truth. Deliberating her options she faked a yawn to buy her some time. “Oh, not that it’s any of your business or anything, but I was buying that for a friend. A girl at school had a pregnancy scare but it turned out alright.”
They stood about five feet from each other but seemed glued together. Nick looked at her from head to toe and then stared into her eyes. Was she telling the truth? Of course, she wouldn’t lie he figured and breathed a sigh of relief. “Han, you know you could tell me if you were.”
“Yea I understand that Nick but thankfully I’m not carrying your child. Thank god for miracles.”
“So how have you been?” he asked trying to fill the awkwardness with conversation.
“Cut the small talk ok, you don’t have to stay if you don’t want to. You’re off duty from the guilty conscience. You did the right thing. You found out the truth. So just leave. Don’t pretend to be doing me favors by asking how I’ve been. I thought I was more than that to you but turns out I was wrong so just do me the favor of not wasting my time anymore and leave.”
Overloaded by her words he just stood there absorbing the anger of her voice. He wasn’t sure if he was really happy or sad that she wasn’t pregnant. He pushed her away but it was never because he didn’t love her. She deserved more then he ever offered her. He was trying to offer her a better life. All he did was punish her over and over for doing nothing wrong and she should move on from that so he gave her that chance. And now all he could do was try and resist begging her to come back. The whole time he waited for her to talk to him about the pregnancy test he thought of what it would be like to have a child. Would things work out perfectly the way he had always wanted? He pictured what their son or daughter would look like, combining their features. She was his life and he dreamed about the life they could make together.
“Did you hear me?” she asked bringing back to the present.
“Uhh, yea,” he nodded. “Han, I just want to apologize. I was wrong to have said a lot of the things I said to you the other day. You take care,” he bent down to kiss her but ended up turning it into a short and distant hug.
You take care? The words seemed so sheepish to her and she was suddenly glad that she had lied to him. He really didn’t want to have anything to do with her. She hoped that she might suspect some look of sadness in his eyes when she told him she wasn’t pregnant. She looked. And it wasn’t there. She saw him breathe that sigh of relief. She saw it all and wanted to burry herself and die. He wasn’t there for her anymore. He was there trying to do the right thing. It was no longer about love. It was about chivalry.
“Good luck on your tour,” she mumbled knowing that there would only be a few minutes before he was out of her life for good. All ties had come undone and there was nothing stringing them together. They were both free of each other. So why did she want nothing more but for him to stay?
“Thanks,” he smiled slightly. “I can get you tickets if you’d like.”
Knowing he really didn’t want her to be there, and was just being polite, she shrugged. “No, that’s alright.”
“You never have gotten to see me perform,” he pointed out, stunned by the reality. She hadn’t. She had never seen the passion he had when performing live. She had never seen his passion. Did she want to?
“No,” she shook her head, “I suppose I haven’t. But then I suppose there are a lot of things about each other that we’ll never see.”
The word never stabbed him. It was so final. So cold. So desolate. With nothing more to say he just looked at her and nodded slowly. The moment was over. They were over. He knew it. He knew it by the way their connection was gone. Both of them were forcing conversation. Conversation had never been forced before. Even in the bad times he was dying to tell her things, now, he was dying to be gone. She hated him. He could see it in the way she couldn’t look at him. She didn’t want to look at him because she hated him.
Hannah just stood there unsure what to do. ‘He wants to go,’ she concluded and wondered why he hadn’t left already. She knew that he didn’t want to be there so why was he staying? Probably to be polite. Probably to take in everything about her. Assess all the damage he had done to her. He had won. He had won her heart and left her all alone with nothing. Except for she wasn’t alone. Inside her was his child, but he couldn’t know. He could never know because then their relationship would be nothing but an obligation. She didn’t want to be an obligation.
“Keep in touch?” he asked and she shrugged a little. “Oh, or not then.” Things were so awkward between them.
“I have to get ready for class,” she spoke up. Finally an excuse to get him out of here. She was glad she could save him the trouble of pretending to care about her life. AJ was lying. He said that Nick was agitated and upset, but he wasn’t. He looked fine. He looked great actually. And with his great looks and charm he was ready to find someone else. He was moving on and she was stuck behind. But that was ok, it would all be ok. She just had to remember that the day would be over and soon another would begin. Nothing lasts forever, so this feeling of despair would definitely go away. It had to.
“Yea, I have to get going too. But you have a great day and we’ll chat sometime.” He didn’t even wait for her to say anything before walking out the door and once in the hallway he stopped still. Had things really just ended? It felt like it but more then anything he wanted it to have been the beginning. Yes, he wanted her to be pregnant with his child.
Chapter 32
Lost in the Rain Main
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