Chapter 18
It seems she reached that point where she put aside everything she had strived for for Nick. It did not bother her, really, that she was skipping out of her last final to return home to his side when the rest of her classmates were going out to celebrate together. She even smiled when she got off work because she knew that after the fifteen minute drive to her apartment she would be in his arms and he would be kissing her sorrows away. He was able to do that to her. He was able to make her forget everything. He was able to make her fall back into that same spot she was before as the loving and supporting girlfriend who was always there to rub his feet at the end of a long day rehearsing dance steps. In a way it seemed like nothing had change between them, as though they were never apart. The magic of their relationship was completely rekindled, and it terrified her.
Sipping on her coffee she stretched her legs out on the sofa as Nick lay on the floor doing sit ups. She hated watching him try to transform himself into something he was not because the media had speculated about his weight gain. “You can’t let what a select few strangers think completely change your outlook on life,” she warned him as he was passing the two hundred mark.
“I know,” he panted. “But you don’t understand. It’s important to be in top shape while on tour.”
“It’s also important to love yourself for who you are. Don’t tell me you’re doing these sit ups because you think they’ll help your dance moves. You’re doing them because you’re trying to lose weight. Nick, you’re not fat.”
“Yea, and I’m not skinny either,” he struggled to continue with his exercises as the adrenaline was starting to drain from his body.
“Thank goodness for that, who wants a stick running around the stage? You want people in the very back to be able to see you right?” she asked as she stood up and crossed over him to head into the kitchen for a refill on her coffee.
“Amusing,” he stopped and sat up completely out of breath and his forehead dripping in sweat. “Well that finishes the abdominal portion of my workout, how about we do some lip push ups?” he asked with a grin on his face and raising his eyebrows.
“When you try to sound smooth like that you only end up sounding like one of those slimy teenagers who parade around malls all afternoon using poor pick up lines to meet ‘chicks.’”
“Yea I know,” he ran his hand through his hair before pushing himself up onto his feet and following her into the kitchen for some ice cold bottled water. “Tonight is the night remember?” he reminded her.
“Yes, how could I possibly forget when you keep bringing it up every ten seconds? I’m extremely aware of the fact that we are going on a classic Nick Carter Mystery Trip,” she smiled and leaned into him. “It better not have anything to do with basketball or video games.”
“Oh hun, please don’t think that for one moment I intend to neglect the romantic side of me.”
“And to wear?”
“Formal,” he answered. “I’ll be wearing one of those suits you always like to see me in.”
“So this night really is all about pleasing me isn’t it?” she smirked and pressed her lips against his. He had the best mouth and the most perfect kisses. He always combined the precise sensual amounts of licking, nibbling, and sucking to create the ultimate kiss. Pulling back she sighed at how often she finds herself surrendering to that mouth of his.
“Tempting enough for you?” he parted his lips and grinned at her.
“You wouldn’t be trying to seduce me now would you? Because I think that’s hardly fair,” she placed her hands playfully on her hips.
“If I said yes would it work?” he asked raising his eyebrows.
“If I said no would it make you stop anyway?”
Pondering his response for a minute he answered by kissing her again, this time with more passion to it. He trailed his hands along her back, pulling her into his body. She went limp to his touch and lost herself in his warmth. She rolled her neck as he trailed down it with his tongue. Staring into her eyes he touched her lips with his fingers before kissing them again; a move that Hannah could never resist. “I think it’s working,” he smirked. “But before this goes any further I’m going to go hop into a cold shower. I don’t want to spoil the evening.”
“What exactly do you have planned? Last time you tried to surprise me we ended up having a picnic on the beach that never was cause we had sex before I could even see what you had.”
“Made love,” he corrected her and she rubbed his shoulders. “Alright, I’m going to the shower now. You do whatever it is that you have to do to prepare yourself for the best night of your life.”
“Oh so sure of yourself aren’t you?”
“Of course,” he grinned as he took her hand and brought it to his lips for one final kiss before walking away.
Rubbing her shoulders she bit the side of her cheek as she heard the water start. As she stood there in the kitchen she wondered just what it was about that night that had him so excited. He had charmed her off her feet many times since they got back together but something about this night had him unable to stand still for three minutes because he was so full of anticipation. It was adorable when he wanted to show her something because he fought so hard to conceal the surprise. Nick really was like a boy on Christmas morning when it came to things like these. ‘He will probably be the type of husband that shops on Christmas Eve only because he won’t be able to wait much longer to give out his presents,’ she smiled at the thought of him as her husband and wondered if it really would come true one day.
“Alright,” she called from the bedroom. “I’m ready to come out now.” She had locked him out for two hours as she prepared herself for what she anticipated to be the best night of her life, or so Nick had promised. Taking a final glance in the mirror she smiled at the reflection of a crystal blue gown flowing around her and her hair tied up to perfectly frame her face. ‘He’ll be impressed,’ she nodded to herself and opened the door.
As she walked into the light of the living room she found Nick waiting to capture her first image with the camera but he could not manage to snap a picture. “I, um, ok hold it right there,” he told her and pressed the shutter button. The flash shined on her face inspiring a smile to come across her face. “You are the most gorgeous woman I have ever seen.”
“That’s a compliment, coming from someone who hangs regularly with pop stars, actresses, and models.”
“Also the truth,” he folded the lens cap over the camera and took her arm. “Ok and so the night begins.”
“Are you telling me now what we’re doing or are you going to make me wait even longer?”
“I supposed I can tell you now,” he smiled and she rolled her eyes seeing the predictable come true.
“I knew you wouldn’t be able to keep it from me, definitely not when I’m standing here so elegantly dressed before you.”
“We’re going to relive that night in Los Angeles when we first got together,” he informed with a proud expression on his face. “I’ve made reservations at the restaurant, except there is a surprise there that is a lot different than the original night.”
“Wow, does this mean there will be a shopping trip included where you’ll purchase me a stunning gold bracelet?” she curiously asked.
“Maybe so,” he shrugged. “You’ll have to wait and find out what comes after dinner. But dinner is first. So my precious angel,” he took her hand. “Would you please grace me with your presence and join me for a night of dancing and fine dining?”
“I would be honored,” she followed him. He looked stunning in his tuxedo and smelled divine with just the right hint of cologne. He was always so good at knowing just the amount he needs to smell seductive. Nick might not know much, but he definitely knew not to take a cologne shower.
Outside the apartment she was astonished to find a black stretch limo awaiting their arrival. A sharp chauffeur assured them into the backseat which was stocked with champagne and chocolate covered strawberries. On the drive neither said a word. Glancing at one another their eyes held the conversation as their hands held each other. The limo stopped before the familiar restaurant and they each waited for the door to be opened. Allowing her get first Nick watched her graciously step out onto the red carpet that lined the sidewalk to the entrance way. Wrapping his arm around her waist he led her inside.
The restaurant was filled with stunning flowered trees which were lined with twinkling white lights. There was not a soul in sight, only the two of them. Her eyes followed the room to find a lone table with a white linen table cloth, candles, flowers, and champagne flutes awaiting them. Music played softly in the background and she fought the building tears in her eyes and regretted having not worn the water proof mascara. It was heaven.
“I can’t believe this,” she said allowed, more to herself than Nick. “It’s like an enchanted garden in here.”
“It is,” he took her hand and started towards the center of the room. “Everywhere you go is enchanted.”
“But,” she opened her mouth. “You…you must have put so much thought into this. There’s no one here…”
“Except you, me, and the trees,” he nodded. “I rented out the place for the night.”
“You really are too much. Do you know that?” she shook her head at him as he spun her under his arm. “Good thing I have a huge appetite for you,” she concluded.
“Pick your pleasure. Dancing first or eating?” he asked with sparkling eyes. He was so proud of himself and his ability to romance.
“I should say food, but I don’t think I can resist the temptation of being in your arms right now. I’m serious Nick; you have really out done yourself. I don’t know what I did to deserve you but whatever it was I’ll do it over a million times. This is by far the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me. How can I ever thank you?”
Shrugging his shoulders he flashed his famous smile, “No need to thank me. I should be the one thanking you. I’ll do anything to see your face shine the way it is now. Seeing you happy is the only thing that matters to me.” He pulled her closer to him and licked his lips at the feel of her perfect body press against his. “I promise you Hannah, I will never do anything to take that happiness of yours away. I swear to spend the rest of my life proving to you how much I need your love.”
Closing her eyes to his words she remembered all the promises he used to make to her. Somehow he had managed to break each and everyone of them. ‘Stop thinking about that,’ she lectured herself and smiled back at Nick. “You have my love. That’s one thing you can be sure of.”
Taking her hand in his he wrapped his other arm around her waist and started to step to the music. She watched as he closed his eyes with a smile on his face and she was struck with guilt for even thinking of the bad times right then. A new song came over the speakers. A familiar piano melody. “Do you know that I listened to this song nearly everyday over the summer?” Nick asked still with his eyes closed and began whispering along with the words. “You’re the meaning in my life, you’re the inspiration. You bring feeling to my life. You’re the inspiration.” Sighing she buried her head in his chest. Leaning against him they moved to the music. Him with his eyes close and her with hers staring wide open. She didn’t know if she was trying to take in the beauty of the room or just refusing to close her eyes anymore with him. “You should know, everywhere I go. Always on my mind…in my heart…in my soul. You’re the meaning in my life; you’re the inspiration. You bring feeling to my life. You’re the inspiration. Wanna have you near me. I wanna have you sayin’…no one needs you more than I need you.”
“Powerful,” she said stilling rocking to the melody.
“It’s true though. Every single word of that song is how I feel about you. I think we should make that our song because nothing fits us more perfectly.” He wrapped both arms around her to hold her tightly; it was as though he was hugging her to make sure she was really there. “When all alone like I was I needed something to help me get through each day and even though you weren’t there in person…you were there in spirit. I wanted to get out of bed each day because I wanted to prove how worthy of your love I was.” He spoke as she half listened. Her mind was too busy remembering all their times together that led to this minute. “I just wish I wasn’t so stupid and pushed you away at the same time. But that’s over with now because I’m not scared of what we have. What we have is too precious to lose ever, no matter what the cost. I will always be there for you just like you were always there for me.”
They had met. They had fallen in love. But somehow all of that was a blur anymore. Everything she and Nick had experienced had somehow become a blur to Hannah. All she knew was that at that moment she loved him more than anything and could not even feel her feet she was so happy to be in his arms. He loved her and she loved him. He had always loved her and she had always loved him. She respected him and he respected her. She had always respected him and he had….
He looked up at her and ran his hands through his hair, “Uh, of course I’m happy for you Hannah…that’s really, really great. Congratulations.” Awkwardly he stood up and walked into the kitchen and started to make lunch.
“What are you doing? Shouldn’t you be more excited? Nick! This is my dream!! Why aren’t you jumping up and down with me?” she walked up to him and stopped him as he piled chips into a bowl.
“It’s just, I thought…I thought we were going to spend the summer together.”
“We can, you can come with me,” she wrapped her arms around his waist but he pulled them apart.
“No, no we can’t. I’m recording my next album this summer remember? You and I were supposed to go to Sweden to record my album. There were no plans of you going to California.”
Astonished she dropped her hands to her side, “What are you talking about, Sweden?! You never mentioned anything about me going to Sweden with you.”
“Well I just assumed…”
“You assumed what? That I’d just fall into line and fly across the ocean with you to record an album? Without so much as asking me first? When, exactly when were you going to run this by me? When are WE supposed to be flying off to Sweden?”
“Friday,” he said matter of factly and resumed preparing his sandwich.
“Friday! Nick, that’s four days away! You figured I’d just leave my mother for an entire summer in a minute’s notice?”
“Well, it’s not like you had anything else planned. I knew you were going to college in the fall, and I figure that meant you and I would spend the summer together.”
Shaking her head she forced herself not to remember that day. It was over. The day was over and she and Nick were over that day. And there they were, dancing together so happily in this beautiful room that he had put so much thought into arranging. He wanted to prove to her how special she was and she needed to prove to him that she knew just how special he was.
“Do you ever think about how we met?” he asked looking down into her eyes and she still stared to the side of him. “It’s pretty weird when you think about it. All those circumstances, it seems like fate really was playing a big hand in us.”
“I think about us all the time,” she told him. “It’s my favorite love story.” She was answering him but still she was not in the conversation. There was this feeling of restraint in her touch. She didn’t know how things had come so far as they had.
“Well I’m not going. I said yes to this internship, it’s a done deal. My mom’s making the flight arrangements as we speak. I can’t go with you to Sweden.”
“Yes you can! You just don’t want to; you refuse to make a small sacrifice for me. You’re being selfish!” he yelled at her spewing spit in her face.
“What the fuck are you talking about?! This is my dream here! I’ve made it very clear to you from the start that my career is very important to me. I’m trying to get my life on track. This fabulous opportunity comes my way and you think I’m being selfish? Are you totally thick-headed? I’m supposed to give up this internship so I can record an album with you? Like hell am I going to do that! We’ll do different things, it’ll be ok. It’ll be ok.” Hannah assured herself pacing around the kitchen.
“No, I don’t think it will be ok,” he said putting mayonnaise on a piece of bread. “If you decide to go to California we’ll have to break up.”
Shaking her senses again she looked up at his blue eyes. They were so beautiful, as though she could see right through them and inside of his heart. It was not fair. It wasn’t fair for him to be thinking of this moment between them and looking to their future as she remembered the one day she wished never happened. ‘You can’t do this Hannah,’ she told herself. ‘You can’t do this to him, or to yourself. You’ve come too far for this. Don’t ruin what you have because of one mistake.’ It was one day out of all the perfect days they had together. It was one day out of all the wonderful days they had ahead of them. But somehow that one day managed to cast a shadow on everything they had. How could one day have such an impact?
“What’s my angel thinking about?” he asked and a smile crossed her face.
“I was thinking about our first kiss. How we both wanted it so badly but were scared to take it.”
“Good,” he said. “I’m glad you’re mind is on that night because it was perfect. Everything about that night was perfect just like everything tonight is perfect. That’s why I wanted to do this. So we can have a fresh start. Just like the last time we were in this room we have gone through a lot to get to this point and overcome a lot of hard feelings. But we’re here all the same and right now, this moment…and that moment, is all that matters.”
It’s all that matters. Right now is all that matters. Being there in his arms was all she needed to focus on because it was what made everything right in her life. She could not remind herself of anything different because the only thing she needed to know was just how much they meant to each other. There was no other love for her and she knew it. He was it.
Those few words made her stop short, Hannah spun around, “Excuse me?”
Placing the knife on the counter Nick approached her, “Long distance relationships never work, believe me…I’m talking from experience here. And well, California and Sweden, that’s about as far as we can possibly get from each other.”
“But wait, you love me…and I love you; that’s enough to keep us together.”
“Yes, I love you. I love you more than life itself Hannah, but it’s just too hard to work through distance. Believe me I’ve been there before, it’s just too much work.”
“Then work harder damn it! You don’t just give up on our relationship because there’s this one small bump in the road.”
“Christmas is going to be so wonderful. I can’t even begin to imagine what it will feel like to wake up in your arms and walk down the stairs together to open all those presents with my family. Did you mom get her tickets?” Nick was on a different subject causing her to come back to reality.
“Yea,” she stuttered. “She’ll be coming in on the 22nd. I can’t tell you how relieved she is to becoming here, not to mention that we’re back together. She was driving me so hard to forget my internship and go with you over the summer. Oh my gosh, when she found out that I was going to California she was so angry. I had to convince her that everything would be alright and that we’d stay together…even though I was wrong.”
“No, you weren’t wrong,” he shook his head. “It just took me a little while to get my butt in action. You made the right decision and here we are,” he paused to look around the room. “We’re together and we both have everything we want. I have my tour and you have your school and little magazine thing. We’ve got it all.”
Biting her tongue she looked down at the ground. Her and Nick’s feet were stepping together in rhythm. Of course. They had everything just then. They had each other, he had his career, and she had her little magazine job. It was how everything should be. No need to feel angry or remorseful. The moment was perfect. Together, everything was perfect.
“It’s not a small bump Hannah! It’s a road block…a dead end! No matter what it’s gonna end in disaster.”
“Ok, what about this fall then huh? You knew that I was going to college this fall, what were you going to do then? HUH?!”
“I don’t know. I wasn’t thinking about this fall…I figured by then we’d have something figured out. But this, this is next week Han!”
Dropping her head into her hands and began to shake as tears poured out of her eyes. She looked back up at him, her face completely red and soaked with tears. “You are being so unfair! You career is obviously a lot more important to you than mine. Nevermind what I want as long as it falls into your big plan right? Well Nick, I am not going to go along with what you want…and I am not going to give up on us either. We are going to make this work! You and I, we are NOT breaking up. I don’t care how high the phone bills are, how many spare plane trips we have to make, how many emails we have to write…this is not over! This is just the beginning of us!”
“I know it hurts sweetie. It hurts me too…but going to California is not an option for me. So if you decide to go your way, I’ll be going mine. And we won’t meet up. That’s just going to tear us apart. If you’ve made up your mind it’s better that we end this now.”
“Fuck you! You’re giving me this ultimatum. It’s you or my career! Why do I have to make a choice Nick?! Why can you have both your career and me yet I can only have one?!”
“I have four other guys and millions of fans to think of.”
“Bullshit! You are not thinking of them, this is all about you and what you want.” Nick walked over to her and tried to hug her, “Get your hands off me you ass hole! You are nothing like I thought you were. Just last night you were practically reciting sonnets to me and now you’re telling me that unless I give up my career we’re breaking up. There are two of us here and you, just one person, are calling the shots! This is my life you’re fucking with, my heart!”
Catching her breath she dropped his hand and took two steps back. He glanced at her with a confused expression on his face, “What’s wrong? Why’d you stop dancing?”
Wide eyed she stared at him. Taking in every detail about him and compared it to the anger he once showed. “You,” she said accusingly and wrinkled his brow still confused. “You…you…you’re doing it again.”
“Of course I’m doing it again. This night is all about reliving our past remember,” he said taking a step forward but she took on back shaking her head in refusal.
“Not tonight…not this moment. That isn’t what I mean. It’s you,” she pointed directly at him. “You still do it.”
“Do what?” He rubbed his neck and then dropped his hand to his side. “What are you talking about? What is it that I still do…and why are you acting so scared?”
“You still put me second,” she said looking at him with tear filled eyes. “Why do you that? You always put me second and you still are. It was always you’re life as a Backstreet Boy and then my dream to be a writer. You told me,” she looked down at the ground. “You told me it was selfish and not an option. You…you…”
“Hannah,” she interrupted. “That’s over. You have you’re job…and you’re in school…and…”
“And you’re doing it all over again. ‘My little magazine thing?’”
“Alright, I didn’t mean it like that. You know I didn’t mean it like that.” He couldn’t help but feel the wrenching of his heart as she stared at him with disgust. “I love you and I know how talented you are. I believe in you and your future as a writer.”
“You can’t only relive the good Nick!” she yelled. “This whole night is about reliving our history together but I can’t acknowledge the fact that you’re still treating me the same way you did? We didn’t break up because we had to, or because of a long distance relationship…we broke up because you didn’t have faith in me and you still don’t!” Pacing around the room she felt as if her head was spinning. “You’ve got me doing it again. Don’t you see that? You have me running around in circles around you like I always did. Why do you do that to me? Why do you make me put myself last for you? It’s your family we spend Christmas with. It’s you I run home to everyday. I can’t do this anymore.”
“Whoa! Hold up on minute. What do you mean you can’t do this anymore?”
“I can’t keep doing this! I can’t keep making my life about you when you only make me a part of your life when it fits into your schedule. You only get back together with me when you’re in town for tour rehearsal. It’s still me doing all the work and making all the sacrifices.”
“That isn’t true,” he argued. “That isn’t true at all! I love you and you know I love you. I swore to you that I wasn’t going to do that again and I won’t. You’re the only thing that matters in my life.”
“You say that but you don’t really mean it, otherwise you wouldn’t keep on doing this to me. You told me that you understood how much my writing was important to me but you’re still treating it as an after thought. If I’m the only thing that matters to you then prove it! Don’t go on your tour!” she demanded.
“You know I can’t do that,” he refused and she rolled her eyes. “You know I can’t let the other guys and the fans down.”
“I know,” she agreed. “I know you can’t, yet somehow you didn’t know that I couldn’t let my dream down. You can’t cancel your tour…you can’t not record your album…yet I was supposed to give up my internship.”
“Aren’t we over that? You didn’t give up your internship and I am SO glad for that.”
“Why? Because it conveniently brought me back into your life? Tell me Nick, if it weren’t for me getting that interview with you guys…if it weren’t for me showing up in New York…would we even be together now?”
“I don’t know,” he admitted and walked towards her. He put his hand on her shoulder but she wiped it off.
“I do!” she yelled. “We wouldn’t be! Yet again it’s me having to do it all. When Nick, tell me when are you going to start doing something for me? Because right now it’s still all about you you you instead of me, or even us! Everything we have is based on your needs.”
“So now you’re calling me selfish?” he snickered.
“I’m not calling you anything,” she sneered, “I’m telling the truth! And I can’t do this alright. I’m sorry…I apologize, but I can’t make my life about you right now when you can’t make you’re life even partly about me.” Turning on her feet she started towards the exit completely stunned by everything that was going on. She hadn’t expected to blow up at him. Heck, she hadn’t expected to get as angry as she was. She had always been the one to support him, how could she get mad at him for keeping things the way they always were? Especially when she had allowed it.
“Where are you going?” he called after her. “This is our night together.”
“Correction,” she yelled back. “This is your night off. This is when you can pencil me into your date book! Well pardon me if I don’t want to stick around to be your little hobby. I refuse to be that person in your life that’s only there when you have some spare time!”
Making her way to the door she walked outside and straight past the limo. Nick watched her from the doorway as she disappeared into the dark sky. Nick watched her from afar as she walked right out on him.
You're the Inspiration by Peter Cetera
Chapter 19
Lost in the Rain Main
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