Chapter 7
Things had a way of working themselves out. Though the living arrangement wasn’t ideal, somehow Chelsea had managed to let go of her plot to get Nick to move out, for a while at least. Nick was even invited to join Chelsea for dinner with a group of co-workers to celebrate the success of their ad campaign. No, Chelsea made it very clear to him that it was not a date. Just…just friends at dinner.
“So Nick,” Diane asked him as they all left the restaurant. “What are your upcoming plans?”
“Well,” he started, “I’ve been working on my second solo album lately. Sorta taking my time with it, it’s best not to rush these things.”
“Isn’t that code for you’re stumped?” she asked with a little giggle.
“No…it just means that I’m trying out a lot of different things to find out what works best. Trust me, I’m not stumped. Got far too many ideas running through my head for the next album to be stumped. I just gotta sort through them and put them together.”
“Oh, I see.” She closed her mouth and the three (Nick, Chelsea, and Diane), walked down the sidewalk of downtown Tampa.
“Nick’s really talented,” Chelsea tuned in. “I’ve heard some of his new stuff and it’s really great.”
“Thanks,” Nick started to blush. Did she just compliment his work? Sounds like it.
“Oh!” she gasped. “I’ll be right back. I want to buy those shoes in the window,” Chelsea rushed off leaving the other two behind.
“So how is it living with your ex?” Diane asked taking out a piece of gum to kill her garlic breath. They’d eaten Italian.
“It’s pretty easy. The biggest challenge was getting her to stop terrorizing me but now, it’s pretty much smooth sailing.”
“If you don’t mind me asking, why did you move back in in the first place?”
“Because,” he sighed and looked in the store window at Chelsea as she was trying on the shoes she’d loved so. “Because I still love her. My life used to be really chaotic and I never really gave a thought to the future. I really took her for granted and she thinks I’m nothing but a joke but I want to prove to her that I’m determined to love her. To make a future. For once I’m actually serious about things between us.”
“Oh,” she nodded. “Well, I suppose that’s good but…” she stopped herself. “Nevermind.”
“No, what were you going to say,” he urged her. “You don’t have to hold anything back. I’d really like to hear your opinion on it.”
“She’s probably never going to be able to love you the way you love her,” Diane blurted out leaving Nick totally confused.
“What do you mean?” he asked hoping that if she’d clarify her non-sense statement it would make a little bit more sense.
“I mean, when she was with you she lost something. She lost a lot. It’s probable, that she won’t ever get it back and well…just be careful. Don’t get your hopes up.”
“Do you know something I don’t?” he asked. He glanced in the window and saw Chelsea purchasing her shoes. She’d be back out with them in just a moment.
“Listen, I’m not supposed to tell you this. I swore to her that I wouldn’t but I think you have a right to know. Chelsea, she had an abortion. And that’s really changed her.”
The words stunned him. An abortion? Who had gotten her pregnant? “Wait, who did that to her?”
“You did,” she answered looking at him. “It was yours.”
What? An abortion? “When did that happen?”
“Alright guys,” Chelsea walked outside to join us and Diane quickly shut her mouth.
“You get what you wanted?” Nick asked peeking into her bag as she nodded with a smug smile. He would never understand what it is with women and shoes. “Good, let’s go.”
Back at home after dropping Diane off Nick was pretty quiet. He couldn’t help but run what Diane had said over and over in his head a million times. The word 'abortion' was ringing in his head, it was all he heard. “Um, Chelsea,” he started slowly and she looked over at him before pressing the button on the answering machine to check the 3 flashing messages. “I need to talk to you about something. It’s important.”
“Sure,” she sighed. “What’s up?”
“I need to know the truth,” he looked over at her and saw that she had absolutely no idea what he was talking about. He saw the look in her eye and how she looked so lost. “Have you ever had an abortion?” Suddenly her face was washed over with that lost look look like a deer caught in headlights.
“A what?” she asked pretending to be confused.
“An abortion, while you were shopping Diane told me…”
“I’m tired Nick,” she yawned and started to walk away not answering his question. How could Diane tell him that!
“No, you’re just trying to avoid discussing this. It’s a simple answer Chels, have you or have you not ever had an abortion?”
“Of course not!” she gulped and continued up the stairs. “I don’t know where she’d even get that idea. Night…”
She had gone to bed and Nick just looked down at his feet. He knew in his heart to not believe her. She would protect herself and her feelings as much as she could because if he knew one thing about Chelsea it was that she’s a fighter. And if she didn’t want him to know she’d fight to keep him from finding out no matter what the cost. And she was great at lying, at hiding the truth. Probably, something she’d learned from their relationship. But none-the-less she was too good at it for her own good and now she was upstairs in her bed…pretending.
* * * *
Thousands of times Nick watched Chelsea sleep. When they were together it was like meditation. Now, now it’s the only time he finds peace. So there he sat watching her chest rise and fall with every breath. His left hand reached out and stroked her hair breathing in its sweet aroma of lavender.
Out of the blue she started tossing around in the sheets and he knew she was having a dream. But of what?
“Don’t hurt me!” she screamed and lurched up. She immediately started to calm her racing breath.
“You alright?” Nick cautiously asked touching her shoulder causing her to jump. “It’s ok. It’s just me, Nick.”
Turning to face him in the dark she shrugged his hand away. “I thought I told you countless times that this is my bedroom.”
“I know, but I couldn’t get to sleep and I like watching you. It’s relaxing.”
“It’s stalking,” she pointed out.
“Can you stalk your roommate?” he asked sitting on the bed. He wanted to ask about her nightmare but didn’t dare. “Want a midnight snack like the old days?”
She didn’t want to say yes, but her stomach answered for her. “Sure.”
* * * *
“What do you think?” Nick asked pointing to the snack he’d made her. Apparently he’d also mastered the recipe of nachos.
“Very good,” she replied pulling out a cigarette. Lighting it she relaxed as she inhaled. The smoke floated out of her mouth and into the dark night sky.
Following it with his eyes Nick frowned, “When did you pick up smoking?”
“After we broke up,” she answered. “It gave me something to pass the moments you crossed my mind.”
“You ended it…” he pointed out again.
“It was already over.” Ashing her cigarette she swallowed. “Diane wasn’t lying,” Chelsea sighed again. “I did get pregnant.” The air filled her lungs and she connected it to the way she used to breathe in Nick’s cologne. “I did have an abortion.”
Swallowing Nick wasn’t sure what to say. “Was this after we broke up?” he asked and she shook her head. “But…why? Why didn’t you tell me…”
“Our relationship was like a sitcom,” she started. “Everything was on a time slot. We’d never talk about anything serious cause we knew in a matter of sometimes hours you’d be gone again. And I loved you, or at least I thought I did. I was happy keeping things easy.”
She pulled out and lit another cigarette. This time, frowning at herself. “But, I thought you trusted me,” he tried to reason and make sense of it.
“It wasn’t about trust Nick. We never were. I knew you had other girls and I admit I had other guys. It was about love and it was about living in the moment. There was no time for the future.”
“I just don’t understand. You knew you were always welcome with me. You could have quit your job, gone everywhere…”
“That’s not me,” she shrugged. “I love my job and I loved my time with you. I got the abortion because it felt like the right thing to do. And the next day I flew off to see you. It was then that I finally evaluated us.” Wrapping herself in her sweatshirt she carefully turned to look at him for the first time since the conversation had started.
“I had to ask myself what am I doing? None of it made any sense and I finally realized that I wasn’t happy anymore. I needed more. I needed someone to hold me after a long day at work. Somehow then, a phone call just wasn’t enough. I needed more. And so I ended things, not because I wasn’t happy with you but because I didn’t see it going anywhere.”
Nick was stunned. He let her ramble. He let her talk, mainly because he didn’t know what to say. He had failed her.
“And then you moved out,” she swallowed. “And it was then that I knew it was over. You didn’t fight for me.”
“I didn’t think that was what you wanted,” Nick protested. “I thought you wanted me gone.”
“I wanted more then what you were giving me. That didn’t mean you couldn’t have been the one to give it. But you moved out and that’s when I learned to move on.”
He folded his hands through his hair to swallow his heart down from his throat. “I’m sorry.”
“No, don’t apologize. It’s what I did to myself. I mean, I went and had an abortion cause I thought I had no other option. A child didn’t fit into your life with me anywhere. It was after that that I really just didn’t know what I was doing anymore with you. I couldn’t be the same. You’d motivated me to do something so cold and heartless cause I thought I had no place in your future...only in the now.”
Her eye dripped a tear and she didn’t know why she was crying. Maybe she still felt hopeless and stupid for what she’d done. After all, look at what she’d done. Aside from the abortion she’d allowed herself to get caught up in such an unhealthy relationship. A crazy relationship full of adultery, lies, plane rides, phone calls, and good-byes. She never knew when she would see him again. She never knew how he really felt about her. And she never knew what happened in his life all that time he was away. She didn’t want to know. No questions, no answers. That’s how they loved each other. How could she have put up with that? How could she have done that to herself?
Nick reached over and held her. When she pushed him he held her tighter. “I’m sorry I did that to you. I’m sorry I made you feel that you could never rely on me. But I don’t blame you, because you’re absolutely right. That’s the way we were.” Licking his lips he let go of her still gazing in her eyes. “And where are we now?”
After a moment of thought she smiled the first smile of the entire conversation. The first smile he’d seen her smile for him in a long time. “Outside our house eating nachos.” And for then, for them, that was enough. Somehow that was more then alright.
Chapter 8
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