Chapter 12
CAUTION: I'd like to state that I am aware this chapter deals with a highly controversial subject. I'm not taking a stance one way or another, I'm simply writing about a decision a fictional character of mine, Chelsea, takes. I'm not speaking for myself nor am I speaking for any woman out there.
The entire afternoon was transformed into a man hunt for Chelsea but after checking her office and driving around to all her usual hang outs Nick had given up on finding her. She must not want to be found. But everything changed when he pulled into the driveway to see her car parked right out front. Sighing to himself he turned off his engine and nervously made his way inside, scared of what to say and even more of what she would.
Outside he found Chelsea sitting on the deck smoking a cigarette. She was blankly looking out into the backyard. "There you are," Nick said walking up behind her. "I thought you had to work today."
"I did," she spun around to look at him. "But I decided to take the day off and get some packing done." Taking a drag off her cigarette she shrugged slightly, "Turns out it's not so much fun."
"Yea," he nodded, taking a seat beside her. "I've definitely done my share of packing in the past."
"I guess you have," she agreed ashing out her cigarette and returning her glance to the yard. "So you went looking for me? Why?"
Nick wasn't so sure how to answer her question. He didn't want to make it seem like he was pleading with her not to move out but he wanted more then anything to make her say. It's strange the way relationships can end up. How something so precious could turn so ugly. "I wanted to tell you something, kinda of a last effort at making you stay I guess."
"What's that?" she asked.
"What?"
"What you had to tell me," she nudged.
"Oh," he bit his lip and looked at her profile. She still wasn't looking him in the eye. "Remember the night you left me in New York?"
"Mmhmm."
"I was going to propose," he confessed, his body tensing up with nerves. "The whole time you were all 'I have to go. I have to go. I have to go,' I was holding the ring in my pocket."
Deciding to stop there he just looked at her, trying to gage her reaction, which was minimum. Silently she sat staring out at the grass and after moments of no words she stood up and went inside. Nick followed her all the way upstairs into her room where she proceeded to back up a huge cardboard box.
"That's it?" he walked into the room. "You're just going to pack?"
"I told you I was packing."
"Yea, I know! But now? You've got nothing to say? You're just going to pack?"
"What exactly do you want Nick?" she stopped and looked at him.
"I don't know, I guess for you to act like a human! I just told you that the night you flat out dumped me I was going to ask you to marry me and all I get is an awkward silence and get to watch you pack up? I was going to ask you to marry me for god's sake! That doesn't mean anything to you?"
"I guess it's just too little too late."
"Too little?" he laughed and repeated. "Too little?"
"And too late," she closed up a box. "We had our merry go round relationship for so long and you never once gave me any promise of a future. All I got was you cheating, lies, broken promises...the list goes on and on. I had every reason not to want to be with you. I had every reason to leave Nick."
"So if I'd proposed to you sooner things would be different? How can you put an expiration date on marriage Chels?"
"I'm not, I'm just saying I'm flattered that you were going to propose to me...and yes, pretty shocked. But it doesn't change reality. The reality is that it's too late. You had your chance with me before and you never took it."
Nick walked up to her and grabbed her wrist, "Stop packing your damn boxes! Focus on me, right now. This moment."
"Why didn't you tell me about this before?" Chelsea asked looking in his eyes with a look of defeat.
"Because I wanted to give you what you wanted, and I thought you wanted me to go away. So I backed down," he sighed, looking down at the floor. "I wanted to go after you."
"But you didn't..."
He shook his head and looked up at her, "I wanted to."
Soon all words were gone and Nick retreated to the kitchin, shutting the door behind him as he walked out of Chelsea's room, leaving her to pack. At the kitchen table he picked up the phone and dialed AJ.
"Hey," he mumbled.
"You sound awful," AJ greeted.
"She's leaving. I told her about how I was gonna propose."
"You told her?" AJ gulped, astonished.
"Yea, and she's still leaving."
"Well maybe it's for the best, at least now you know anyway."
Chelsea walked towards the kitchen to apologize for her reaction but stopped at the sound of Nick's voice. Leaning against the doorway she peered her eyes on him seeing him on the phone. Curious she stayed listening.
"Yea, I know. All this was just a waste of time. I guess you can't fix what's been broken for so long. It'll be hard though Age," he gulped. "I love her, and it's killing me. At least she's getting what she wants. One of us will be happy."
"She's great Nick, but I'm not gonna lie...you will find someone else."
Saddened by the thought of having to even be with anyone else Nick leaned his elbow on the table and rocked back and forth on his hand. "I know I can find someone else AJ but I don't want to. I want to be with her."
Listening Chelsea couldn't help but feel a twinge of guilt at Nick's sadness. She hadn't expected to care so much about his loss considering all he'd cost her over time. But she had never seen him sad. After the break up his career was everywhere. His face. His songs. He seemed on top of the world. It's hard to ignore the lack of sadness of your ex when his glory is magnified for the world to see. All there is to do is move on, and she did. To the best of her ability.
Folding her hands she turned and returned to her room to finish packing.
* * * *
The waiting room at Planned Parenthood was concerning. Dozens of teenage girls sat quietly twitching, filling out their clipboards of questions while mentally debating just how confidential their answers would be. Oddly, like Chelsea, they were all alone. Not a guy in sight. Perhaps sex loses something of it's appeal when faced with the possible consequences. Not to say that a baby is a consequence but if unplanned, can very much feel like a death sentence.
"Are you Chelsea?" a woman pronounced walking up to her. "You can come with me."
Nervously Chelsea arose from her seat and followed behind the round and cheery woman. She was wearing a nursing outfit with old gym shoes. Her shoe lace was about three steps away from coming undone. In a small room she urged Chelsea to take a seat for a 'pre-procedure' counseling session, as she called it.
"So, according to your file this is your first time correct? My name's Liz by the way," she asked taking a seat on a moving chair, swinging around slowly.
"It is," Chelsea nodded. "I'm sorry, but what is this? Can't I just get this over with?"
"We like to sit down with all women to discuss every possible option and to make sure that this is the right decision for them. It's standard," she smiled. "Relax Chelsea, I don't bite."
Scratching an itch on the back of her neck Chelsea thought otherwise. She had struggled enough with the news of the pregnancy, and with her decision to go through with an abortion...talking about it with a complete stranger seemed entirely impossible. "Okay," she sighed. "Yes, this is my first pregnancy and my first abortion."
"And the father? You know him?"
Swallowing a breath of harsh air she nodded, "Yes, Nick and I are in a relationship."
"Wouldn't you rather have him present today?"
"It's complicated...he's," she bit her lip softly trying to find the right word for what Nick really truly is. "He's away a lot, on business."
Leaning forward, apparantly out of concern Liz took Chelsea's hand, "You did tell him about the pregnancy?"
"No, he doesn't know."
"Why have you made this decision by yourself?"
"It's hard to explain, but I didn't really choose on my own. Nick and I have discussed children in the past and he...doesn't want children. And me, I'm not prepared to raise a baby on my own."
"Ok, so Nick's away on business; what do you do while he's away?"
"I work for a marketing firm. It's a lot of hours, you know...working my way up the ladder," she sighed. "I'm just not ready to raise a child on my own."
"Aren't you concerned that Nick's opinion would change if he knew you were pregnant?" Liz asked, aware of the tensness of Chelsea's expression.
"No."
"Do you have any other sexual partners that could possibly be the father?"
"No, I'm monogomous." The sound of 'I'm" in place of what should be 'we're' resonated through the air.
"Chelsea, are you absolutely sure that this is what you want to do? Having an abortion is a huge decision to make and if you're having any doubts then you should listen to them. Maybe there are better options for you."
"There aren't!" she fiercly stated. "And I'd really like to know why you're interrogating me right now. I never wanted to get an abortion, I never wanted to have to make this decision. But I have, and I'd like it to be over!"
"I'm not trying to interrogate you," Liz retreated, "I'm simply trying to emphasize how final an abortion is. If you're having any doubts I'd seriously reconsider. There is still time to make a different decision. You don't want to carry any regrets."
"This child I'm carrying...isn't wanted. How much more final can you get then that?"
Speechless Liz looked down at her papers. Rising she walked toward the door and turned back to Chelsea, "Soon someone will be in to help you get changed and prepared for the procedure. Best of luck to you."
Changing into her gown Chelsea fought to hold back the tears. Sitting on the hard cold table she felt the severity of her decision. "Hello Chelsea," a female doctor walked into the room. "My name's Dr. Meadows and I'll be taking care of you today. We're going to be doing what we call machine vacuum aspiration.I'm sure you've been counseled on it before. You have been taking the anti-biotics right?"
Chelsea nodded slightly.
"Great, we want to prevent infection. Okay, I'm gonna ask you to lean back please and put your feet into the stirrups. Just like any regular gyno exam." Chelsea did as directed and next Dr. Meadows inserted a local anesthetic into her cervix. "You're gonna feel a slight pinch Chelsea, but after that you should feel okay. There may be some cramping but nothing too painful. I promise."
From that point on Chelsea laid in a daze listening to words of cannula and vacuum buzzing around her. People telling her to hang in there. The room was shrinking. She was freezing. The life seemed to be leaking out of her.
"Okay, we're finished," Dr. Meadows smiled. "How you feeling?"
"Drained," Chelsea responded.
"I know," the doctor patted her hand. "You get dressed and I'll be back to talk to you about what you can expect over the next few weeks and how to maintain your perfect health."
As soon as Dr. Meadows left the room Chelsea looked down at the flow and sobbed. She rolled over on the table and curled herself into a ball. Rocking back and forth the tears seemed to come from an unknown place of her heart. A place she never before knew existed, which was now empty and broken.
Bringing her to consciousness was the sound of Nick's ringtone calling out into the room. He was calling from London where he was on a press tour. Picking up the phone she looked at his name flashing on the caller id screen. Silencing the ring she waited for the 'missed log' screen to appear before flipping the phone open and turning it off. Throwing the phone back down into her bag she shuffled off the table and changed into her normal street clothes. Feeling very much unnormal.
"Alright Chelsea," Dr. Meadows returned into the room. "Over the next couple weeks you may experience some spotting. Please avoid tampons ok? Only pads. You might feel like you're going through a normal period. Cramps. Etc. That is all normal. Keep up with your antibiotics, rest, take Advil or Motrin to help with the cramps. Basically, take it easy hun."
"What about sex? I'll be seeing Nick in a couple days, he'll probably have missed me...you know...."
"Avoid sex for a full week, we want to prevent infection at all costs. You can keep up with your birth control but I'd highly suggest using condoms, again to prevent infection. But really, wait a week and you should be fine. My main concern though is your emotional health. Hormones are raging in your body right now and I want you to know that it's perfectly ok to be upset and grieve for as long as you need. You may feel depressed or irritable, angry or guilty even. That's a normal reaction for all women. You said you're gonna be with Nick..."
"Yea," Chelsea replied. "But I'm not planning to tell him about the abortion."
"Don't try to ignore your feelings Chelsea, if you do feel saddened and upset for a long period of time...then it's ok to be concerned. Some women do show symptoms of postpartum depression, but that's very rare. You aren't going to be happy and laughing for a little while, it's our hormones. We're women," she smiled, "We get hormonal. Don't suppress that for Nick. I'm not going to tell you what to do in your personal life but as your doctor I urge you to tell him. It'll help to have his support."
"Mmhmm," Chelsea nodded. "It would." Yet she knew that his support was the last thing he'd ever be able to give her, completely anyway. Even though that was the one thing she needed most.
The wind outside was strong. Whistling, it rattled Chelsea as she made her way into the cab awaiting to take her home. Home, to where she would never be the same.
Chapter 13
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