Knorthern Ireland Police Service

By André Ruben

The RUC has decided to accept the Patten Report- on one condition.

The controversial report will face no opposition from the RUC if a man called Michael Knight and a space age car called 'KITT' join the new force.

The man and car combo will raise moral and hopefully lead to a 100% crime detection rate.

"Have you seen those boyos" RUC spokesman Armand Sixx said, "they're class. running around in that kick ass car fighting crime."

"And the wee electronic things he has would just put the fun back into law enforcement, they're sooooo cool"

"You could have your balls in a damn meatgrinder and that watch you talk into would save your ass".

"Having headquarters on the back of a lorry would save on things like rent and rates" Sixx added. A role for Mentor Devon Miles is also anticipated, with a possible stint as Cheif constable for the Fondation for Law and Government guru.

Sinn Fein spokesman Stef Pivis was quick to condemn the move as "a cheap publicity stunt."

"This demand will just pave the way for other fictional characters to join the force."

"Who knows where It'll end, Scooby Doo? Captian Caveman? David F***ing Icke?" Pivis said.

"For too long the nationalist people of this island have had ........." (I missed the rest because my dictaphone broke)

(Sorry)

(Listen, I'm a journalist not a bloody mindreader okay)

Ulster stares down the barrell of today's abyss

By the Rubicon Computer: who puts together todays article based on the best bits of other stuff on the whole 'Northen Ireland is F****d' chestnut.

Baseball bat sales soar - Punishment beating season gets underway soon.

Locked in the deadlocked decommissioning logjam, Northern Ireland's political parties are working long into the night to apportion blame for the imminent collapse of the Good Friday Agreement.

And the kind of Unionist disgruntlement that only seems to emerge when something good looks as if it might happen.

"For too long the people of this island have had to live with the threat of war/peace/the RUC/ British rule/ The Irish Government /loyalist voilence/ republican s***heads/ without a decent reasturant"

The latest explosion evoked fond memories of the past 30 years, and rain failed to dampen the spirits of evacuees.

David Trimble: "I think I'll just leave"

Gerry Adams: "I want to take the Gun out of Irish Politics. It would be very cool baby".

In a shock move Peter Mandelson labelled the current situation "an oul whore of a thing", much to the outrage of Albert Clock fans.

Donaldson, Taylor, Weir, Thompson and other disgrunted Unionists.

"Yis are nothing but a bunch of Traitors TRAITORS", she added. "Traitors!"

"Traitors?"

"Yes Traitors!"

"AAAAAARRRRRGGHGHHHH"

[TRANSMISSION OVER]

Full Text of DUP press statement

Embargoed until the Executive collapses.

"WE TOLD YOU SO"

Statement ends.

Austrian crisis makes us forget about how bad the government is

By Ricky Formage

Austria has followed the trend set by voters in North Antrim and elected a fascist to government

But the DUP are distancing themselves from Joerg Haider labeling him a 'limp wristed liberal'

"What would he know", Cork Enfield from Ballymena said.

"He's just playing lip service to the great Dr Paisley, there's no way he'll be able to antagonise, agitate and generally annoy his way into power the way the great Reverend did".

Haider has caused mass hysteria with his party holding the balance of power in the insignificant European Country.

Meanwhile those defending the democraticly elected Haider point to the will of the Austrian people, who not so long ago put an X beside the man's name on the ballot paper.

"At least he's being open and honest about his opinions" Trevor Moose said

"He doesn't pretend he's all nice and fluffly like, oooh, let me see, Adams, McGuinness, Trimble, Paisley, Donaldson....."

"If Haider had been elected back in the 30's though, Germany may never have got the chance to invade"

Holy Ship! Man labeled 'the most evil doctor ever'

By Mork Brisenborg

More dangerous than a nuclear explosion, Harold Shipman is now firmly behind bars, but his legacy of death continues unabated.

Over 7 million people have met their maker at the hands of Dr death.

And the total keeps rising as tabloid hysteria tries to establish Shipman as the most evil man since Hitler. Only Hitler wouldn't be a strong enough term to define this man who is responsible for the deaths of nearly ten million.

Meanwhile the Harold Shipman trading cards have become collectors items with troubled teens everywhere.

Shipman joins the likes of Jack the Ripper, Ed Gien, and Peter Sutcliffe as a mass murderer with his own trading card.

"A Shipman is the hottest thing ever, it's like totally the avatar among trading cards" Peter Stick said

"Card dealing hasn't been this exciting since Alien and Predator cards had a cross over back in 1998" the 38 year old added.

Shipman menawhile has now reached the coved 100 million mark, and experts feel the total may reach a Billion before the end of the evening.

"I GOT IT I STILL GOT IT!"

By André Ruben