AH! GODDAMNIT ALL! THEY NEED TO STOP doing THAT to meeeeeeeeee! (to see what I mean, read on, if you missed the ppv) We start with Heat, which is always pretty lackluster going into a PPV but sets up the matches nicely, nonetheless. We see the Austin/Undertaker burial site. Damn, that tombstone must have cost a FORTUNE. They say it weighs over 3000lbs. That MIGHT be an overestimation, I don't know.

mcMahon comes out. he thanks the fans for a "warm Canadian response." He says there is no way SCSA will ever again be WWF champion. He says Austin and his hopes for becoming champ will be buried alive literally. "Despite his condition, the PPV will be dedicated to the Rock, the best damn champ ever. It's only right that all of you pay homage to the Rock" Fireworks go off, and large banners of the Rock come down on either side of the entrance. And this is when Mcmahon goes into classic heel role.

"Last night when coming into Canada, the Rock couldn't understand why the welcome sign was in both English and French. You people can't make up your minds if you want to be English or French- you can't speak either language well- you people must have a real identity crisis- the French hate the English- justifiably, the English hate the French also justifiably. Are you people REALLY proud to be Canadian? Tomorrow, you should all renounce your citizenship. There should be a mass exodus to Washington, DC, with all of you crawling on your hands and knees, trying to become what all Canadians want to be- US citizens. Speaking of Americans, I'd like to introduce a REAL American, my very own son, Shane McMahon" Now, if only they had borrowed the singers from Regal's song. "he'ssss aaaammmmmmmmmmmerrrriiiiicaaaaan, sooooooo american...."

Supposedly, the Rock is "in peril." This could be good.

The commentary is by Shane and Kevin Kelly. Shane? Come on... couldn't they find a 12 year old mark in the crowd to do it? Same difference, I suppose.

Duane Gill (with JOB Squad) Vs Matt Hardy (with Jeff Hardy) (lt Heavyweight belt)
Obviously, Matt Hardy dominates the match. The Hardy Boys are one of my favourites, but I didn't even bother to mark for the match, since I saw how it was going to go- Matt dominates the match. Blue Meanie comes in, delivers a ddt, and Gill gets the win. Oh man... funny a couple of times. Getting OLD. I just don't see why Vince has a Lt Weight belt, just to, well, shame anyone who tries to win it. Boo. (Though, I do think the Blue Meanie is cool as hell. Al and Blue Meanie! That should be the JOB Squad, EXCLUSIVELY, with possibly Foley).

Earlier today, Mankind attacked the Rock. The Rock is doing an interview with Cole, and well, i just know it will be good when I see Socko appearing behind The Rock (glass doors) and then see Mankind's face, smiling away. Cole asks the Rock "what about Mankind?"
Rock: Piss on Mankind!
And that's when Mankind attacks, yelling while hitting him... "welcome to the corporate party! Do you smell what he's cooking? Do you? How's that? Here's a corporate ELBOW for you. Here's a corporate TABLE! Here's a corporate whatever the hell this is (image projector, which he smashes to pieces) Here's a corporate rododendrum... "he beats the rock with the plant, then says, "this isn't a rododendrum..." It's things like that which make Foley great.
The Rock is hilarious after the attack. They bleep what he says, but still. And then he's moaning about "the corporate ribs."

Rock and Vince are with a doctor, who says the ribs are broken and he won't be able to fight. Vince is going to tell this to Mankind, when Mankind enters the arena.

Happily, there is a HUGE pop, and Mankind has some new music, which, I like. "It's a happy day, because Vince, I have an early Xmas present for you. You, dad, taught me well- to read the fine print. If the Rock fails to wrestle, the title becomes mine! mine! ALL MINE! (pop) Maybe you'd like to play Let's Make a Deal. If you'd like me to erase this clause, let's have a father/son talk. Will it be door number one? or behind Carol Merril and curtain number two? Because Vince, you have something I want. Have a nice day!"

Backstage, the Rock is mad, and Vince says he'll take care of it.

Brian Christopher (with Scott Taylor) vs Kevin Quinn
The match is supposedly dedicated to Scott Taylor, though I didn't hear it said. Odd. Scott Taylor is on crutches because of Droz's attack on him last week. Kevin Kelly says, "The doctors say Shane will be on crutches for a while" Shane says: "I'm Shane. I'm not on crutches". There is an awkward pause. That was pretty... obnoxious, I suppose?
Anyway, Scott Taylor sits at the table and helps commentate on the match. they're hinting towards the gay angle, more, though Taylor kept it more ambigious. I have lots of comments on that, but this is getting to be a long report... The best comment he gets off all night- Christopher gets bounced off the ropes in a "crotch damaging" move, and Taylor says, "oooh. I hate when that happens."
Kevin Quinn gets the "upset win" and Too Much are mad at this little fact.

DX and Team Corporate are arriving. Lord.. Chyna. She wears less and less every week, doesn't she?

DX gets to the ring. Shane says the Outlaws made a career mistake because they could do things the easy way, or the hard way: and the hard way is defending the titles against the "less motion than a broomstick" Hardcore champion (my ass) and "the world's most disturbing nipples" Ken Shamrock.

HHH (with DX) vs Droz(with Animal)
Where's XPac?
Droz attacks HHH to start the match off. This is a really short match, though the two would probably have ut on a good fight. I'm assuming they want to ease HHH back into full action. That's fine. Knee to midsection--->pedigree and HHH gets the win.
Animal seems really mad about this, as if Droz cost him a tag team loss. Does anyone really care?
Shawn comes out- he says DX is banned from ringside at the Outlaws match (well, they rarely help the Outlaws anyway, so...) If Any of DX show up, NAO will be immediately stripped of the titles. "Nao pulled a fast one on HBK. As a power guy, I am bullet proof. To show there's no hard feelings, I have a nice warm up match for NAO on Heat." Ugh.

mcMahon backstage- Rock won't forefit, it will take negotiation on his part. "Since the intellectual quotient of Mankind is akin to the average Canadian fan, I'm sure I'll reach him..."

Jarrett and Debra come out. Something about Goldust stripping "buck ass nekkid" and something about him being the only one that gets to see her body. And she's a present that only stays wrapped. Um, whatever. I'm rooting for Goldust. Why? Because, more than anything, seeing Goldust ham it up and do a strip tease would be FUNNY! That's why!

Video of Undertaker/Austin feud.

New Age Outlaws vs Acolytes
(insert pixie cursing here)
As they walk down, Jesse James adds in "You damn right, HBK says he gets last laugh, says he's bulletproof... we'll see, we'll put a bullet in his monkey ass"
There is a lot of double teaming from the Acolytes (You know, it's almost too easy to call them to "suckolytes", so I'll refrain) The Acolytes don't listen to the ref... it's a match that works just how they always do, a brawl. Team Corporate comes out, because the night isn't complete with out dead wight and nipples, as does HHH. The Outlaws and HHH walk away, and Team Corp. continues to fight with the Acolytes in the ring.

Undertaker's music and the eeeeevil voice over. It's the final chapter in the Highway to Hell (I'm sure they paid a lot to use the song for SummerSlam, but I thought the phrase ended there. Or hoped, at least) And that Austin grows weak, and ministry grows strong, etc. I'm left to wonder why Undertaker wants to build his ministry on a "weak man" with a "rotting soul" and all that stuff. Why not take out someone else then? Just a question...

Cole and Lawler are at the commentary table. Lawler was "on" and I realised why these two are a bad team- Cole ignores him and doesn't play into what he says. It STILL sounded like Cole was dubbed in, and he was sitting right there. Things just aren't the same without JR. I hope he gets better soon... because I don't wish anyone ill will, but also because I miss the way he calls the matches.

Val Venis/Godfather (with hos) vs D'Lo/Mark Henry (with Jackie and Terri)
"the big valbowski is like butter on a pancake... both melt in the hot spot" Val also has "the yule log, if you have the fireplace." Val and Godfather take 110 years to get ready to wrestle... sheeeeesh, that's a long intro. In an odd decision, Terri and Jackie come to the ring with D'Lo. The match goes on. There is a brief confrontation with Jackie (who btw, looks WAY nicer in blue than in the red she wore with Mero) and Terri, and then Jackie pulls Venis' shorts down in the ring, allowing Henry to get the pin. I'm just curious: why is Venis SO affected by people seeing his ass in a thong? I mean, he's supposed to be a porn star!

Headbangers vs Golga and Kurrgan
Bummer. I REALLY wanted to see Luna do some more fighting. Um, that's all I have to say. Mosh pins Golga.

Owen Hart vs Steve Blackman
Only in Canada does Hart get cheered. Blackman seems surprised by this reaction- I guess he didn't know about Canada and the Hart family? This is actually a good match- it's sound wrestling from both. But Owen keeps leaving the ring. There are a lot of technical moves throughout, and both do some good work. Finally, Blackman puts Owen in a sharpshooter, he gets out, and leaves the ring. Blackman follows, the ref starts counting, Blackman returns to the ring, and gets the win via countout. And I just sit there, and say, "huh?"
That made no sense whatsoever. And there was no Blue Blazer involvement, surprisingly.

Vince is looking for Mankind backstage. He finds a small storage door with a sign on it that says "Mankind's office" He knocks. "Who isss it?" The door opens and he says, "Come on in, dad, to my humble abode. Pull up a chair, you're safe as a babe at arms... you have something I want."

JOB Squad vs Brood
Bob Holly got a haircut. He looks like Jeff Jarrett now. Uck. They mention Blue Meanie was in ECW. This is a pretty good match, because Scorpio is a good worker. I just can't get into Holly- I don't like ANY of the personaes/angles he's done. Christian ultimately gets the pin on Scorpio with the move no one has a name for, which I call "bacwards DDT"

Jeff Jarrett (with Debra) vs Goldust
Man, it was a weird match. Goldust got ALL The cheers, but that was lame if you ask me. I mean, they were just cheering to see nudity. (LOL, speaking of... did anoyone else catch the banner walked through the crowd? The one that simply said BREASTS?)
There are a whole bunch of near falls through the match, and teh crowd seem to be on the end of their seats, anticipating nudity. (You'd think wrestling fans never saw breasts before)
Debra hits Goldust with the guitar, finally, and Jarrett gets the pin, meaning Goldust strips. I'm cheering at this point. Sort of an "IN YOUR FACE" to all the perverts, and I'm expecting some classic Goldust moments. Shawn comes out and tells Jarret it was a hell of a win, and to go backstage and gt a cold beverage, but tells Debra to stay there. He mentions that he looked through the rule book, and that foreign objects are illegal (inculding guitars) so her use if the guitar makes Goldust the winner. So she has to strip. The crowd gets into a "Take it off" chant. Ugh. Debra starts out mad. She looks like she is going to cry. I hate this... I mean, if she is going to play it like she doesn't want to do it, then that's really lame. As it goes on, she gets into it some more. Shawn pulls out some money, which she gives back to him. Jarrett is backstage, mad, and the Blue Blazer walks past him. Shawn opens Debra's bra for her, and the Blazer comes in to cover her with his cape before it comes off any more. Jarrett and the Blazer walk her off (Lawler: "Damn Blue Blazer!" And Shawn is in the ring, rubbing the bra against his face.

McMahon leaves Mankind's office.

New Age Outlaws vs Bossman/Shamrock (Shawn there with nightstick)
The fight starts. RoadDogg kind of takes a beating, though he gets some moves in. At one point, when he's thrown on the ropes, Shawn leans in and kisses him on the head. (Shawn likes to put his mouth on the Outlaws... not that I can BLAME him...) There's a couple of asides between Billy and Shawn, and Billy goes after him, only to have Shawn threaten to fire him. Billy yells, in his way "YOU SUCK" which always makes me laugh. Shawn threatens firing him again.
At one point, after being in the ring a long time, and taking a beating, RoadDogg makes the tag to Billy, only the ref doesn't see and Jesse has to stay in the ring. (Thrown object of the night #1 here). Road Dogg gets pulled into Team Corp's corner on the outside of the ring. Shawn kicks him and there is some triple teaming. Billy finally gets in, takes out Shamrock and BossMan. Billy almost gets a three count on Sham, but Shawn pulls the ref out of the ring. Billy is hit with the nightsick, and there's a near fall... ugh. Shawn tries to get involved in the match and gets kicked, I believe by Shamrock. FInally, Billy gets the pin, and NAO retain the belts. YAAAAAY!
Shawn gets in the ring and starts pulling off his suit as if he is going to fight. No dice.

Video of the Rock. Mankind wants witnesses to the changing of the contract, and it should take place in the ring,

Mankind comes out. the Rock (broken ribs, huh? No bandages? He's not favouring his ribs at all... haven't they done this angle before? Where he's injured, but then it's just forgotten?) comes out with the McMahons. McMahon: "I know we have business to take care of. First, you have a hole in your tights right here, at the knee..."
Mick: "Vince, that's an astute observation. I honestly believe we can settle our differences like the gentlemen we are. I'll be more than happy to sign, to put a line through the clause, because there is nothing I'd like to do more in Vancouver than to kick the Rock's corporate ass around. But there is one thing... redemption. Let's travel back in time to Survivour Series... I had to win by pinfall or submission. You know damn well Rock didn't pin Mankind, and Mankind wouldn't say "I quit." I'll put a line through the clause, but you have to admit you never heard "I quit" from Mankind's mouth. Fans will be disappointed that the match won't happen due to the lack of guts and testicular fortitude on the part of the Rock."
Vince is silent.
"I suggest, dad, you start talking NOW. Let me clarify. Start talking, and start talking to me on your knees! GET DOWN! Do You have a hearding problem, dad? Get down and tell the world..."
Vince: "At Survivour Series, I heard the words. I heard SOMEBODY say I quit. I know the Rock heard it..." (Ashhole chant)
Mankind: "Out of consideration for Mankind, who only has one ear, please chant a little louder..." (Asshole chant LOUDER)
Vince does no admitting, and Mankind rips the contract up.
Mankind vs The Rock (World Title)
The fight starts, with NO mention of injured ribs again. Shane and Vince sit at ringside. The two brawl a bit outside the ring. They get back in, Vince grabs a mic... "The bext time you do anything like that, you're DQed. DQ for ANY legit reason."
Rock is out of the ring, Mankind on the secondd rope. Shane pulls on his legs, then Rock pulls him off the ropes. Lawler: "is he dead?" The Rock sits at the table and gets on the mic during the match. He hits Mankind's head on the table, and then spits water on him. The Rock and Mankind fight on the table. mankind gets a chair, but Rock kicks him and it falls to the ground.
Corporate elbow in the ring. 2 count.
Mankind lands a low blow, and Vince calls for an end to the match. Mankind piledrives the ref and takes out the timekeeper before the match can be ended, so they continue. The rock lands a rockbottom, and gets a three count, but there's no ref. Shane gets the belt to hit Mankind, but he ducks, and Rock gets hit. Mankind gets the pin, but the new ref only has time for a two count. Rock lands a ddt- near fall. But then... SOCKO! The mandible claw is in place, and the Rock is out. Ref calls for the bell. Mankind... wins! At this point, despite being sick, I am cheering. I am jumping up and down. I am the world's biggest mark. Mankind wins the belt!
yes!
But no.
Vince comes in and says Mankind won the match, but that the belt can only change hands on a submission or a pinfall. And that because Rock was unconscious, that didn't count as a submit because he didn't say "I quit". Rock keeps the belt. What? (insert thrown objec of the night #2) BOOOOOO. Mandible claw is placed on Vince. Then Shane. Mankind beats them both up, then beats the stooges up. Shamrock and Bossman come out and attack Mankind. When he leaves the ring, Mankind is holding a chair and pulls off his mask.
I suppose this is the segway into Cactus Jack. Now, I like Cactus and all, but Mankind is SO over, I think it's a bad move to replace Mankind just now. I think the fans REALLY want the Mankind personae to be the champ, and damnit, I think we deserve that much. But I'll support just about any Foley personae. I just think Mankind is the strongest, interview-wise and character-wise.
Austin vs Undertaker (buried alive)
At this point, after seeing such a good match (Rocky and Foley always put on a good fight against each other)I'm not into this. I think they mis-placed the card, and should have had this second-to-last. Anyway, this match is... i don't know. These two aren't the most exciting of a pair, and they've fought, what, 750 times since July? This match is sloppy. They're fighting all over the place. they're fighting on a hill of dirt. And they're fighting slowly.
The grave is 6 feet deep. Yet the men are standing in it, and it's about up to their waists, making Austin and Undertaker 12 and 13 feet tall, respectively. Damn, that's SCARY isn't it? Whooooooo! I don't know WHY that bugged me so much, it just did.
Austin gets Undertaker in the grave, dumps a wheelbarrel of dirt on him, and then leaves, chasing Paul Bearer away. Undertaker gets out of the grave, and then it explodes and Kane comes out. Kane fights the Undertaker and tombstones him into the grave. Austin comes in with a back hoe, and gets the truck to throw the dirt in the grave, which it does, excruciatingly slowly.
I don't think anyone knows what to do, as this takes a million years and the grave isn't even half full at this point. Austin runs around the ring, does the four corners, drinks some beer, runs back, throws some beer on the grave, shovels some dirt in, runs around, and the truck is STILL trying to get the dirt in the grave. It ends that way, kind of weak. And we didn't even get to see the Undertaker rise on the screen in a cheesy way. ;)