Slaughter and McMahon come in, with the rest of the stooges. "Asshole" chant breaks out.
On the screen, we see a freeze frame of Austin, and discover that firing Austin was "better than sex" for McMahon. Oh, what a lovely image. He commands all the wrasslers in the ring to not cross the boss, and proclaims "McMahon 3:16: I've the brass to fire your ass"
Of course, the image on the titantron changes to Austin cleaning guns in the parking lot (pop) and McM gets scared. JR's quote of the 1/2 hour: "He's here! And he's ARMED!"
Shamrock/XPac (non title match)
They cut to a DX with Motley Crue video. *sigh* I have no idea why Motley Crue, of all resurrected bands have shown up, but Road Dogg seemed to be into it, "Motely F*n Crue!" and so of course, this amuses me to no end. B'sides, he'll be singing with them on Raw next week. I really can't complain.
Chyna is arrested at ringside (which makes no sense if she's being sued, since you don't get arrested in civil suits...) I really hate this angle Mankind comes in to a "socko" chant, and places the mandible claw on Shammy. Shamrock breaks free, but gets caught in a facebuster by XPac, who wins.
Guards out back are shown getting Austin's autograph, and checking out his "little toys", which are his guns. The camera cuts to McMahon, who is yelling, "what kind of cops are those?" He tells the K9 Cop to go out after Austin, only to get the response, "Screw you, I didn't come here to endanger my life".
Headbangers/LOD
Sorry, but I really hate the Headbangers as heels. They were just more fun when they weren't. And... really now... the intro thing is pretty bad, if you ask me. Ah well. Maybe the crowd will smart up, and beat them to the punch, yelling, "you suck". Droz is distracted by Hawk, and gets pulled into a pin. It looks like Droz and Hawl will be feuding each other for the rights to be 1/2 of LOD. How... how... exciting.
McMahon ends up backstage alone, no security, no stooges. And that's when there is a knock on the door. A special delivery. YAY! Socko is the head of security. And Foley is playing the part to the nine... "Nothing gets you through times of trouble like a sugar rush, and we know Vinny's got a sweet tooth" and Vince is sooo happy to see him, that he invites him to sit down. And the segment ends with Mankind saying, "oh, let's get to know each other". Further proof that Foley is brilliant.
Undertaker comes to the ring with Paul Bearer. I dunno about you, but I'm rather confused on why they chose to take the angle this way, but I never understood why Kane and The Undertaker teamed up, either. (See, they leave a lot of background info out of my violent soap operas!) Undertaker gives a good interview, "Brother Paul has come home to lead my ministry of darkness... and those who can't understand have no vision (note: or no idea what the rhyme and reason to wwf angles is)... Paul Bearer is a despicible, evil, manaical individual... and I can't explain it any better than that... he understands the power of the darkness, and helped me to clear my head and refocus on what it is i am here for... this is the beginning of a new era, the ministry of darkness will unleash a plague on the wwf..."
And while this is not the most exciting angle turn ever, it would be nice to see vintage Undertaker, and not the watered down version we've had lately. Paul Bearer goes on to say, concerning Kane, "I used you because you're stupid... you can't even speak for yourself and you can never understand the darkside, and i'll never have use for you again..." And that's when JR pulls the best line since, "that's it, he's dead", saying, "HE'S YOUR SON, FOR GOD'S SAKE, YOU ROTUND DEMON!!!" I laughed so hard, tears came to my eyes...
Undertaker says he set the fire when they were children becuse Kane was weak then and he's weak now, and only the strong shall survive. I believe this contradicts a lot of past angle development, but hey, this *is* wrasslin' afterall.
Kane comes out with a casket, and simply says, "Brother, you will rest in peace tonight" after annoucning a casket match for later. I still think that voice thingy is scary, even if we know he's talking regularly.
Cut to backstage,McMahon and Foley. Socko has a badge on, which is hilarious in and of itself. Foley is telling Vince to rehire Austin: "You fired me, and now look, we're the best of friends... the 4 of us could form a cliq, you, me, Austin and Socko" LOL Vince says it's a matter of principle, and Foley simply says, "I admire your moral fortitude, let's play some games".
we then see Mankind playing twister, to which McMahon asks him what he's doing. "Making you feel better makes me feel better" McM says he's not making him feel better, to which a voice-cracking Mankind says, "You're a party pooper!" And McM throws Foley out. Really, this is classic moments.
Steve Blackman/ Jeff Jarrett (with Debra McMichaels)
Oh yay, another blonde woman with fake tits. Just what the WWF needed. It's not as if she will get Jarrett over... honestly, I doubt anyONE or anyTHING can do that. Jarrett gets the guitar, Al Snow comes in with head, but "head is distracted by McMichaels" and Snow gets hit with the guitar. Oh, how exciting.
McM's phone is ringing, and he gets a message, "Time's up, you bastard, i'm coming to get you". McMahon calls his driver, and tells him to have the limo ready for him, to leave the car running and the back door open for him. "scream if you see Austin" Austin manages to ambush the car, anyway, with a crossbow in his hand, and leads McM into the dressing room backstage. Austin : "You ever been hunting?" McM: "once" Austin: What did ya kill?" McM: "nothing... it was a.. safari... i took pictures"
Rock (new music again, the lest likeable one yet)/ D'Lo (w/ Mark Henry)
This match was at least a bit better than the Rock/ Mark Henry, but not by much. Rockbottom to win, with D'Lo/Henry double teaming the Rock afterwards.
Austin/McM: Austin with large knife, asking if McM wants to know how sharp it is, implying that he will be killing him sometime in the night.
Tiger Ali Singh: He needs someone to swallow a kielbasa whole. So some stupid lady deep throats a kielbasa. Godfather comes out, says it's a US Custom to no response, says it's a PIMPIN' custom to a huge pop, that hos pay pimps for life. (It's amazing that he's over as a pimp, but nothing else) and that the lady used to be one of his hos, and she was a good one, so he takes the $500 and Singh attacks him. GF manages to slam Babu, and all the refs come out and break them up.
Austin/McM: Austin is showing Vince the bow and arrow, and asks him to squeal like a pig. lackluster "oink oink" Austin: "Gimme my damn bow" McM: (with spirit) "Oink, oink, OINK, OINK" -- what -won't- this guy do for ratings?
"did you see Misery? She got mad at him, broke his damn legs, I wonder if she could really do that/// I'm gonna get a sledgehammer and find out..." and thus, tapes Vince into the chair, and tapes his mouth shut.
Mankind/Val Venis
Val seems to have crotch damage. His line tonight is that he auditioned for "anacondauot;. JR gets his next big line of the night when they show Marlena, and he asks, "Is it cold in here?" He also calls here a "little Jezebel" which I find hilarious. Val gets a Socko Mandible Claw, but Shamrock comes in with a chair, which he promply hits Foley in the knee with. Shamrock and Foley fight into the crowd, and there seem to be an awful lot of white socks thrown towards the ring.
Val and Marlena in the ring.. Goldust comes out, Marlena whispers something to Val, who looks mad, runs off , holding the "valboski". Do I smell a pregnancy angle?
Austin/McM: Austin doesn't have a sledgehammer, he has bigger plans for him. Austin makes McM bet on Kane/Undertaker, playing, "You bet your life". McM picks Kane, and it's set: if any outcome other than Kane winninghappens, "we do things the Austin way"
Kane/UT (casket match)
Undertaker is now only 6'10 1/2. Well damn. He shrunk again. Undertaker gives Kane a DDT in the casket (listen closely: you can hear him say, "ready? here it comes") and they fight inside the casket, breaking it apart. Paul Bearer runs from Kane, UT gets a chair at the top of the ramp, and Kane follows. The match ends with no winner... (Kane/UT really are just props for the Austin angle lately, huh?)
Austin takes Vince out to the arena. Ross and Lawler are spazzing, "Austin has taken McM hostage!! DO SOMETHING! I hope he doesn't do anything he'll regret..." McM is on his knees, Austin has a cross bow with him. He puts a letter in McM's pocket... puts a gun to his head, Vince is all but streaming tears at this point (and acting it up quite well) and the gun says "Bang: 3:16" and Austin gets to coin a new saying, "McMahon 3:16, I just wet my pants". I answer my own question from before: there is *nothing* Vince won't do for ratings.
Austin picks McM up, low blow, into two stunners. And it ends.
