We're live at Michigan State, and we have Kevin Kelly and Michael Cole, speaking from a void or a bathroom stall, judging by the audio. Xpac comes out first, followed by Kane. I like the way XPac jumped when Kane's pyros went off. I can't tell you how loud those things are. At every show I've been to, they've scared the hell out of me, even though I knew they were coming. "we're out here because Jarrett and Hart have been whining and crying like a couple of whining bitches because last week on raw they got their booties kicked by Kane and XPac. They're running around, saying in a country accent how it was a fluke (Owen, you damned Southerner!) if they want to do it once more... well right here!"

Debra and her boys come out, Debra mocks XPac's manhood because they're talking about it in the women's locker room. Jarrett says they're well erled (oiled) and they beat everyone else, they just "weren't ready for the big red retard" which Xpac threw at them. (As I recall, Kane came out and challenged them himself, and XPac just sort of followed along because he's desperate to be Kane's friend, but that's okay.)

Then, the New Age Outlaws come out, and I assume this means the end of the singles push for these guys. "Debra, you and Canadian Country have been smoking the dogg's goods if you think you're the number one contenders. We see it differently- and it's a good thing you're a well oiled machine because it will feel better when we kick it to you doggystyle." I can see them naming the team "Canadian Country" and I can only hope they have Jarrett and Hart sing the old Donnie and Marie song for their entrance music. Hilarity ensues. Billy tells XPac to out NAO on the list when he's up there handing out matches, and business is business.

Xpac agrees and asses are grass which he's smoking.

Shamrock is angry. So angry, in fact, that he is throwing things all over backstage.

Lucas is preparing to talk to the Rock.

Midian vs Shamrock
Why, oh why do we always get a butt shot from Midian? Shamrock will be fighting the Undertaker at Backlash. Maybe they can put it in a cage and hang... oh, nevermind. The match is mostly brawling, and Shamrock is mad and looking for his sister. "Where is she? Where is she?" Is that his new catchphrase? He puts Midian in an ankle lock (hey, it worked on Christian) and doesn't get any info. Midian taps out- and he continues to apply ankle pressure. The refs come down, Shamrock sloppily belly to belly suplexes one of them, and then the rest scatter. Shamrock throws things. He is an angry man.

He then gets the mic. He yells something at a fan, but I doubt that person understood any better than I did what he said. "Undertaker, I know you can hear me... you don't mess with people's families... I'm willing to die for my sister... are you?"

XPac and Kane are backstage. "You were screwed, I was screwed but that was in the past. We have the tag belts now and if we don't act like a team, we're not going to keep the damn things.. are you listening to me?" He grabs Kane's arm, Kane gets up in a menacing way, and XPac "Takes that as a yes." I still wonder WHY Xpac wants to hang with Kane so bad... maybe they're really brothers and their parents seperated them at birth and... oh, never mind.

Lucas talks to the Rock. "I'm not gonna punk you out here kid..." and he starts talking about Austin's belt... "Hold on folks..." he fakes a punch to Lucas, and if he had hit him, I would have been the biggest Rock mark ever. "It behooves the Rock why you want this ten pounds of monkey crap-- instead of the flaming skull, it should be the Brama bull with spit coming out of his mouth and snot coming out of his nose..." more catchphrases, monkey crap, rudy poo, candy ass, you know the rest...

JR comes to the ring with good news. He's getting his job back. Well, it's about damn time. No more Michael Cole! Mankind comes out, with Yerple the clown (hey, maybe she'll manage the evil Headbanger clown) and a cake for Socko. Balloons and confetti fill the arena. There will be a boiler room match between Big Show (call him Paul Wight, PLEASE) and Mankind at Backlash. I don't think Wight will be very good in this match, but history shows anything filmed in the boiler room is dark, so we'll deal. It doesn't seem like a year since Socko was born
Mankind: "there's been a small mistake. that cake shouldn't read happy bithday, it should read happy birthplace. Congrats to Al Snow for the lucrative deal with Lazy Boy. It's surprising since Al doesn't usually sell chairs." He then says they're going to sing Happy Birthplace to Socko, adding, "but please- no matter how bad I sing, no rioting." Everyone sings. Mankind is going into seclusion for the next two weeks, into the boiler room and after that, he invites Paul Wight into the boiler room and only one man will walk out. (If it's NOT Mankind who walks out, I spit on the bookers.) "Now let's have some cake." Mankind hurls cake into the crowd, which was one of the funniest things I have seen in a while.

Rock/Austin video. Am I the only one who wants to see Rocky win that belt and then feud with HHH?

Rock vs D'LO (with Ivory)
Ivory is a classy lady. I love the way she wears a short dress and manages to keep both her underwear and her breasts covered. This match was such a waste-- it could have been a nice push to the uppercard for D'Lo, intead, he got squashed. It could have been long. It could have been good. But it wasn't, and I was let down. Rock bottom-> people's elbow for the win.

Shane was commentating the whole time, yelling way too much for my tastes. On Raw, there will be things you never expected to see on the WWF. He said "shock television" more than once. This will either be very, very bad or very, very good. Unfortunately, I'm fearing the worst.

Backstage, Road Dogg is enjoying the book "Memoirs of a Geisha." Billy and him start talking about how neither should have a soft spot for Xpac. Really funny interview, if you ask me.

Droz (with spandex shorts and silly hat) vs Bossman
Well, I like the Spandex, but the furry kneepads, collar and hat could all go. Bossman... why does he suck so? Why? Why? Oh, right, the match. It was short, and he went for Droz's earrings. Not much actual wrestling, and then a huge guy comes out of the crowd to kick Bossman around. Him and Droz team up, the guy yells something about "his work" and ladies and gentlemen, we have a wrestling piercer. That guy better not get hit in the mouth with all those labrets- trust me, it hurts when the back of them gets jammed into your teeth/gums.

New Age Outlaws vs Jarrett/Hart vs Kane/XPac
wow, with a whole 4 minutes to go, this should be one hell of a three way tag team title match, shouldn't it? We start off with Dogg and Jarrett, and Jarrett does his damned honky tonk dance... bad Jarrett. Someone slap him! Yay, Dogg did. XPac tagged in, Dogg-XPac go at it, then Billy gets tagged in. Billy is dominating, but Kane punches him and XPac lands the XFactor for the win. Road Dogg looks mad, Billy and XPac hug and the show is over.

SOmething weird happened with timing. They announced a DOA vs Holly/Al Snow match and that never happened. Not that I *wanted* to see DOA OR Holly, mind you, just sayin. And the 4 minute main event was silly, esp since it had the makings of a pretty good match. Ah well.