My first reason to start with Aikido, was simple.
I'm sitting too much - in front of my desk, at the PC, in the car...
I notice, that I my back starts to hurt from not enough balanced movement,
shoulders and neck are stiff, causing headaches. I'm also getting thicker
and my figure is starting to loose shape.
Those were my reasons to consider the idea to start with some sports.
I thought about Aerobic, Gymnastics or Jogging.
The typical sportcenters for these kind of sports are expencive, overrun
and I don't like the atmosphere. I've got also almost no physical condition
and I'm stiff.
So I need something, that gives me the chance to increase those abilities
slowly, in following my given set, without making a fulltime job from it.
Since a few years I'm very much oriented towards Buddhism.
And there is something more.
Several years ago I experienced serious violence from men, that were/are
closely related to me.
This were the most frightening moments in my life.
I felt beats falling on my head, my body, felt being thrown through a room
and I was absolute helpless, I had nothing, that I could put against it.
My memories are not very clear, there is not much left from the actual
flow of events, what reminds in my mind is the fear, the humiliation, the
shame - and the pain. And also, that I wanted to kill those men, if I had
the chance to get to a weapon at that time, I would have used it to kill.
My first reaction on these events was hate. I deeply hated the men. I had
fantasies about killing them, about torturing them.
The next step was supression.
The supressed memories remained in me like an infected wound, dominating
me, but not allowing me to deal with them. I became depressiv, lost all
joy in life. I shrinked back, when somebody near to me made a sudden movement
with the hand. I accused all men, to whom I came closer after this, to
be a violator, to start to beat me next time when we quarreled. I developed
also that kind of insencere behaviour, that is typical for those, who got
deeply violated, humiliated, who lost all self-confidence. I needed psychoanalysis
to solve that.
Still this memories are something, that sometimes at night comes up and
makes me cry, giving me back the memory of pain and helplessness, of shame
and humiliation. And even worse, I lost people, whom I loved, men who had
been for a large time of my life dominating in it. At least with having
opened the surpression, I could start to mourn and also start to regain
the memories related to this men, there had been nice times, too. I gained
back a part of my life.
I never, never again want to experience that.
I want to be able to fight for my dignity, for my right to be, for my self-esteem.
Never again I want to feel, that I'm helpless towards physical superiority,
that this power can be used to subdue me.
But I saw, too, from that experiences, that I'm able to hate, that I'm
able to turn into a violent, brute creature. I don't want to become one,
that's not what I am, what I want to be.
I understood, too, that my mindset as a woman, is that of non-fighting,
of not beating back, of ducking away. I had the condition of being a victim.
That's what I want to change, too. In cases like those, I want to be able
to have the will to fight, to beat back.
- help to increase my meditation praxis
There is a verse in the Tao Te Ching, that describes, what Aikido means to me:
Whoever relies on the Tao in governing men
doesn't try to force issues
or defeat enemies by force of arms.
For every force there is a counterforce.
Violence, even well intentioned,
always rebounds upon oneself.
The Master does his job
and then stops.
He understands that the universe
is forever out of control,
and that trying to dominate events
goes against the current of the Tao.
Because he believes in himself,
he doesn't try to convince others.
Because he is content with himself,
he doesn't need others' approval.
Because he accepts himself,
the whole world accepts him.
